Someone to Love

by Ruchita Misra

  Often when a man behaves the way I behaved with you, and makes another person suffer the way I made you suffer, it is because he is suffering on the inside.

  I did what I did because I loved you.

  And because you loved (love?) someone else.

  Sometimes I wish it was just an affair based only on physical needs. I think I could have possibly seen past it. But it was not.

  You were passionately, madly in love.

  With Atharv.

  Atharv’s eyes widened in surprise.

  About two days into our marriage, you were sleeping next to me when you began to squirm in your sleep. No doubt, it was a bad dream, and I remember wondering if I should wake you up. And then you started murmuring, then screaming his name. Even in your sleep, your voice had a desperation that curled my toes. It was like you would give up anything to be with the man.

  I stayed awake the whole night.

  I decided that you and Atharv may want each other and you may choose him over me, but I will be the one who will have you.

  And then you wanted a baby because (as I found out while skimming through your email) Atharv had had a baby. That made me worse. I became even more cruel and began to hit you – something I shall regret to my dying day.

  There is only one thing I want to say: Sorry.

  I am sorry, Koyal. I am very sorry. I wish I could go into our past and change things, but I cannot. All I can do is apologize and hope that you will somehow find it in yourself to forgive me.

  I hope you find Atharv’s love again.

  Amit

  Atharv breathed deep, trying desperately to calm himself down. His imagination ran wild – Amit hitting Koyal, oh god, the images, through this letter, how they had come alive in his head. He brought his hand to his face and closed his eyes.

  Another wave of rage ran through him and he wondered if he should travel to India, find Amit and hit him hard.

  He stood still, trying to even his breathing, when another thought struck him and his heart broke into a million little pieces.

  Had Koyal loved him all these years?

  She had loved him? Loved him? Been in love with him?

  Had her love for him destroyed her marriage? Was he in any way responsible?

  And then he allowed himself that one question: Why had Koyal never told him that she loved him? Why?

  Oh, you mad, mad, mad girl!

  He then sat down and stared at the floor for an eternity, his brain whirring.

  Nothing made sense.

  How could Koyal have been in love with him when she had turned him away from her door? Nothing appeared to make sense. Was Amit, the scumbag that he was, lying? And then, his eyes fell on a neatly folded sheet of paper he had picked up from the street. Does this even belong to Koyal, he wondered, still reeling from the contents of Amit’s letter.

  When he unfolded the paper, he did a double-take.

  It was handwritten letter, written in a hand he would have recognized anywhere in the world. He hastily turned the page around.

  And stared.

  It was, as he had suspected, signed ‘Nili’ and addressed to Koyal.

  43

  Koyal, still thinking about the night spent with Atharv, had just stepped into the ladies, the one next to Atharv’s office, when she heard someone sobbing.

  She stopped short, puzzled. Sounds of shuffling of feet and then a familiar figure emerged from one of the booths. Her face was tear-stained, and for the first time since Koyal had met her, devoid of any make-up.

  ‘Kimberly!’ Koyal exclaimed, aghast, rushing towards her. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Kimberly turned even paler and immediately withdrew into the booth.

  ‘I can’t … you … you need to go, please. You, of all people, you have to go now.’

  ‘Why? What did I do, Kim?’

  ‘Koyal, go! I can’t talk to you.’

  ‘I’ll just stay here, please, just for a bit,’ Koyal said, looking at Kimberly with compassion. She had grown immensely fond of the stunning doctor and seeing her like this was devastating. ‘Please?’

  Kimberly looked at Koyal and then gave in.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, her voice resigned but still teary.

  The two of them slumped to the floor. Koyal watched in silence as a fresh bout of sobs hit Kimberly. Koyal rushed to get some tissues, gave them to Kimberly and gently rubbed her back.

  The sobs soon subsided and Kimberly closed her eyes.

  After a few minutes, she opened them again, turned around to look at Koyal and said, ‘Thank you, Koyal.’

  Koyal shook her head. ‘It’s okay.’

  ‘It’s funny that you should be with me right now,’ Kimberly said cryptically.

  Neither spoke for a few minutes.

  ‘Kim?’ Koyal said gingerly, breaking the silence, pushing aside a strand of Kimberly’s hair so that she could see her face clearly. ‘Who is the guy?’

  ‘Oh no, nothing like that…’

  Koyal rolled her eyes at Kimberly. ‘Is he being a jerk?’

  Kimberly shook her head. ‘I think I am being a jerk.’

  ‘You can’t have done anything wrong, Kim. I know you.’

  ‘I did,’ Kimberly said, shaking her head, tears streaming down her face again.

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I fell in love.’

  ‘Gosh, Kimberly.’

  Kimberly rested her head against the cool wall. For a few seconds, silence reigned.

  ‘And?’ Koyal nudged gently.

  ‘He loves someone else.’

  ‘To love someone,’ Koyal said, exhaling heavily, ‘who does not love you back is the hardest thing in the world.’

  Kimberly turned around to look at Koyal.

  ‘I know how that feels,’ Koyal said, her voice heavy with memories.

  ‘Shitty,’ Kimberly said.

  ‘Yes, very shitty. The other girl?’

  ‘Is perfect,’ Kimberly replied.

  Koyal sighed. ‘I know so well how that feels. Have you spoken to the man you love, Kimberly – maybe he loves you too?’

  Kimberly shook her head. ‘I can’t talk to him about it.’

  ‘No, don’t do that. You never know, trust me and don’t make that mistake.’

  ‘If he loved me, I would know, Koyal. I would know.’

  ‘Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know, Kim,’ Koyal argued.

  ‘I just need to go as far away from him as possible. Leave London and go away.’

  Do a runner, just like me.

  ‘No!’ Koyal exclaimed, grabbing Kimberly’s hands. ‘Don’t run away, no, please don’t, just … stay, talk to him.’

  Tears were beginning to stream down the woman’s face again and Koyal knew her eyes were not dry either.

  ‘You can run away from this person, but you can’t run away from yourself, Kimberly,’ Koyal tried again.

  ‘I … I just resigned and booked my ticket to the US.’

  ‘You are in the middle of your residency! All your hard work will go to waste!’

  ‘Do I look like I care?’ Kimberly shrugged.

  This was Koyal ten years ago.

  ‘I know exactly how you feel, but running away from the person you love is a race you will never win,’ said Koyal and then she paused.

  Images came rushing to her. Kimberly’s face when she was talking about Atharv. The way she had stood close to him when she had come to meet Mansha … the look on her face, the light in her eyes…

  Love, you wonderful, horrible thing…

  ‘Oh my god!’ Koyal said, bringing her hand to her mouth.

  ‘What?’ Kimberly asked.

  ‘Atharv?’

  To Koyal’s horror, Kimberly looked away.

  ‘No, tell me please…’ Koyal begged.

  ‘I … I…’ Kimberly got up to leave but Koyal gently pulled her back.

  The women stared at one another, not saying a word.

  ‘Don’t do this,’ Koyal final
ly said.

  ‘I don’t know what else to do…’ Kimberly said, shrugging her shoulders, ‘and you know what, I can’t have this conversation with you … This … this is madness … you and Atharv…’

  Koyal stared at the woman looking helpless in front of her and something inside her gave way. In the crumpled mess that Kimberly was at the moment she recognized someone she knew.

  ‘I can’t be Nili,’ Koyal said and Kimberly looked up, puzzled.

  I can’t be Nili. I cannot let another girl live without the love of her life. No, I cannot let that happen, no matter what it costs me.

  Oddly, Koyal only felt a wave of sympathy surge through her.

  ‘I … I understand,’ she said, surprised at the words that were coming out of her.

  ‘You can’t. You have Atharv.’

  ‘I can. I did not always have Atharv,’ Koyal replied.

  Kim was about to say something when Koyal raised a hand to shush her. Her brain was working fast, and within a matter of a few seconds, she knew she had made up her mind.

  Koyal got up.

  ‘What are you going to do, Koyal?’ Kim asked looking up.

  ‘I think,’ said Koyal taking a deep breath, ‘I need to leave London, Kim, not you. I cannot come between you and Atharv.’ Kim stared at Koyal. ‘I wont be able to live with myself if I know that I have snatched someone else’s love. Someone did something similar to me and it took me a good ten years to get my life back in shape.’

  The two women looked at one another.

  ‘Nili?’ Kim whispered and when Koyal avoided her eyes, she knew she had guessed right.

  ‘You and Atharv loved each other and Nili took him away. That’s why his eyes have looked so empty all these years,’ said Kim, thinking out loud. ‘Because he always loved you.’

  ‘I don’t know if he loved me.’

  ‘I know he loved you even when Atharv was married to Nili and he loves you now. I can see it.’

  Koyal stared at her feet and Kim felt a weird tug at her heart. The clouds, gathering force in the last few weeks now parted, the sun shone finally and sense prevailed.

  ‘Oh, poor you,’ Kimberly said, hiding her face in her hands. ‘And what the hell was I about to do? You two deserve to be together, now after all these years.’

  ‘I can’t do to you what Nili did to me,’ Koyal said.

  ‘Hell, I cannot do you what Nili did to you!’ exclaimed Kimberly.

  ‘Kim…’

  ‘Koyal, no, I was wrong. I always knew Atharv loved you, and I still kept on trying.’

  ‘Atharv did not love me.’

  ‘He loved you, he loves you and he will keep on loving you, even if you leave and I end up being with him. So no, sorry, no thank you. I am not going to be that pathetic. I am just surprised I did not see this earlier.’

  Koyal could only stare.

  ‘Go to him, Koyal, tell him that you love him. Take your destiny in your hands. Get the man you love’

  Koyal could only stare at Kimberly.

  44

  Koyal grabbed Atharv’s Mac and ran out of the room. She jumped into her car and drove faster than she should have.

  She burst into his flat only to realize he was not in.

  ‘Where are you?’ she said into the phone as soon as he picked up.

  ‘Where are you?’ he said at the same time.

  Koyal rolled her eyes. ‘Where are you?’ she tried again.

  ‘Where are you?’ he said in unison again.

  ‘Okay, stop.’

  ‘Okay, stop.’

  ‘Oh god!’

  ‘Oh god!’

  They both burst out laughing.

  ‘I came looking for you at the hospital!’ Atharv exclaimed breathlessly.

  ‘I am home! Looking for you! Koyal said in an uncharacteristically excited voice. ‘Why did you go to the hospital?’

  ‘I could not wait!’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘To see you!’

  The urgency in her voice mirrored the restless in his.

  ‘I am coming home, wait.’

  ‘That is one thing I refuse to do,’ she said and then added softly, ‘I have waited long enough already.’

  Silence.

  ‘Meet me at South Bank. It should take you thirty minutes to get there. I will take about twenty-five,’ he said.

  Koyal was already out the door by the time Atharv finished his sentence.

  Atharv paced up and down restlessly. He paused, grinned and then started walking restlessly again.

  ‘Atharv!’ he heard and turned around sharply.

  ‘Koyal!’

  Atharv ran to Koyal and simply took her in his arms. She wrapped her hands around him as tightly as she could, her body sagging with relief. Atharv took Koyal’s face in his hands and Koyal felt his eyes caress every bit of her face. She blushed and tried to look away, but Atharv would have none of it. His lips brushed against hers delicately, and the hair on her hands stood up. And for the next few minutes, the world disappeared as he kissed her with a passion that Koyal had never known before.

  ‘When you kiss me,’ she murmured as he focused his lava-black eyes on her, ‘I feel like a teenager.’

  ‘Let’s make you feel like a teenager for a bit longer,’ he said, grinning in that slow, lazy way that made Koyal’s heart thump, and went back to kissing her.

  ‘Get a room,’ a man in running shorts shouted good naturedly at them and Koyal and Atharv started laughing.

  ‘You are in your dressing gown!’ she exclaimed, still laughing and at the same time already teary-eyed.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, focusing on her eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I am happy,’ she said, shrugging. ‘That’s what’s wrong.’

  ‘Then get used to it, I am so done with you dealing with things you should have nothing to do with. You are just going to be happy from now on, Koyal, I will personally see to it.’

  ‘So bossy,’ she said, pretending to hit him, but when she saw his eyes bore into hers in all seriousness, she stilled. They stared at each other, lost like only lovers can be. And then, like it was the most natural thing in the world, she said what she should have said years back.

  ‘I love you, Atharv.’ Her voice melted with the sound of the rustling leaves. ‘I love you, have loved you and will continue to love you forever,’ she said, gazing at Atharv, feeling a weight lift off her shoulders.

  Koyal saw Atharv’s eyes pool and she felt tears spring into hers.

  ‘Why did I wait so long to say these words?’ she asked Atharv, who shrugged, struggling visibly to contain his tears.

  ‘This … um,’ he said, sniffing and smiling, ‘is not very manly.’

  ‘It is very adorable,’ Koyal said, wiping a tear off Atharv’s cheek as tears raced down her own cheeks.

  ‘Love is not enough of a word, Koyal, to express what I feel for you, though I know I used it the first time,’ said Atharv, looking around helplessly for the right words, tears still flowing. ‘You are my oxygen. I have loved you since you were in pigtails and we marched to school together, I have loved you since before I knew what love was.’

  And by now, Koyal was sobbing, with relief, with joy, with a kind of pain that comes from being reunited with the man you have loved more than anyone else.

  ‘I love you,’ she repeated, tears streaming down her face. She leaned in as did he. Their foreheads touched.

  ‘I love you, Koyal Hansini Raje. In the thirty-five years I have known you, I have never not loved you.’

  And that, and the pain of having been away from this bit of throbbing heart, just made Koyal cry harder.

  Epilogue

  Four months later.

  Koyal looked at the woman in the mirror and smiled. She looked resplendent in a heavy red silk sari, dotted with golden paisley motifs. Ma’s wedding sari.

  Around her neck was an ancient and stunning gold choker that Koyal had lusted over as a child skimming through Surya Aunty’s wedding photogra
phs.

  Dress and jewellery worn by two women she adored, more perfect than anything a designer could have ever dreamt up.

  ‘Koyal Auntyyy,’ came a dearly loved voice and Koyal turned around.

  Mansha bounded in, adorably dressed in an orange and gold lehenga. She stopped when she saw Koyal.

  ‘You look beautiful, like a fairy,’ she said in awe and wrapped her arms around Koyal.

  One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone and they hug you back, tighter. Koyal hugged Mansha as tightly as she could.

  A polite cough at the door and Koyal’s heart skipped a million beats.

  ‘Can I come in?’ her most favourite voice in the world asked.

  Koyal about-turned to face a dhoti kurta-clad, deliciously handsome Atharv.

  ‘Atharv!’ she said softly, unable to stop the blush she knew was rising on her cheeks.

  ‘The blushing bride?’ Atharv said in a whisper as he walked up to her, his eyes not leaving hers for a second.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ he murmured, kissing her on her lips and pulling back to admire her again. Koyal smiled shyly and for a moment rested her head on his shoulder.

  ‘Dadi,’ Mansha said, turning to Surya who had trooped in as well, ‘can I wear Koyal Aunty’s sari on my wedding day too?’

  ‘Yes, of course you can, young lady, but I think that day is a few years away – at least I hope so,’ Surya said, grinning and rolling her eyes.

  Flanked on either side by Atharv and Mansha, two people she loved the most in the world, Koyal was on her way to the mandap.

  ‘Koyal,’ Atharv said, turning to face her.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I need to say something.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I am sorry about what Nili did.’

  Koyal stared blankly at Atharv, but something in her stomach sank on hearing these words.

  ‘I read the letter,’ he said simply.

  Oh god, no.

  ‘And do you know what I struggle with the most? That despite all that she had done to you, you have never said one bad word about her to me.’

  Koyal smiled and affectionately touched Atharv’s cheek.

  ‘I hated her for ten long years, Atharv, and then I was done with all the hatred. And what she did, she did just because she loved you so much. And how can I grudge any love that came your way, even if it did not come from me?’