The Year’s Best Science Fiction: Tenth Annual Collection

by Gardner Dozois

  (LOUISE ANN busies herself with sack; CARLA puts teacups on the counter)

  LOUISE ANN: Shoot, couldn’t do hardly anything there … and ever’thing all cramped up, nowhere to move around. Howard just hated it, didn’t you, hon? (Turns on small TV that is sitting on work table) You start thinkin ‘bout a chile, you got to think ‘bout betterin yourself as well. Your lifestyle simply cannot remain the same as it was.

  CARLA: (Pause … looks at LOUISE ANN) Louise Ann, what you think you goin to see on that thing, huh?

  LOUISE ANN: (Slightly irritated; this is a familiar routine between them) Now they might be callin out names. They just might …

  CARLA: Oh, right.

  LOUISE ANN: Well they could, you don’t know. It’s Christmas time, Carla. They call out lots of names at Christmas. They could call out anybody’s. They could call out yours, they could call out mine, they could call out someone you passed on the street …

  CARLA: (Mouths silently) … They could call out someone you passed on the street …

  LOUISE ANN: You ‘member Miz Toshiyama up in three-oh-nine? She’s Korean or Thai or somethin, I don’t know which. All those California types look alike to me …

  (As LOUISE ANN is speaking, she pulls a black roach nearly three feet long from one of the sacks, and lays it on the work table)

  LOUISE ANN: Anyway, she had this uncle, and they did his name right on the TV, and he doesn’t live ten blocks away.

  (As LOUISE ANN says ten, she whacks the head off of the roach with a fierce stroke of the knife)

  LOUISE ANN: Makes you think is what it does. Ten blocks away. (Glances at CARLA and raises a brow) You want to try an’ think about the good things in life, you know? Attitude is ever’thing, honey. (Finishes wrapping headless roach and puts it in the fridge.) Plenty of trouble has come my way, and tried to intrude upon my life, and I have just said no, you will not come in, I simply will not allow it …

  CARLA: I know these Miz Toshiyama somethin, up in three-oh-nine. Her hosbon, maybe she don’t know it, but he is into suggestive talk, I tell you that. He catch me in the hall, he has these little bow, you know? He say, hey, I am really attracted to you a lot. He say, I will try to be polite at all times. Let me know, I seem to make unusual demands. I tell him, hey—you a Jap or somethin, right? Maybe you doin’ somethin dirty right now, how’m I goin’ to know? Thas the thing, right? Focking men, they won’t leave me alone, thas the truth. I arouse some kinda savage need. I gotta live with this.

  (Behind CARLA’s back, LOUISE ANN is mimicking her lines)

  (The lights flicker, get dimmer and brighter. This is the first in a series of power failures …)

  CARLA: Oh, great, here we go, right? Merry Christmas from the city to you and me. Maybe the air go out tonight. Maybe we all wake up dead Christmas Day.

  (During CARLA’s speech, the power failure begins to affect HOWARD’s life-support system. A pipe pings, and a couple of spurts of red pulse out. HOWARD looks alarmed, but neither CARLA nor LOUISE ANN pay attention to the problem.)

  LOUISE ANN: (Peeling a wilted-looking vegetable) You do not need to go lookin for trouble, hon. Lord, when I think. If you knew what life had in store, I expect we’d spend all our time in prayer.

  CARLA: Me, I’m prayin all the time. I’m sayin, Jesus, don’ help me, okay? Gimme a break. Help somebody else this year. Help some jerk in France.

  LOUISE ANN: You can never guess your fate, I know that. Me an’ Howard havin lunch just as nice as you please on a Saturday afternoon? Howard gets up and goes out, and walks right into those terrorists at Sears. I swear, you’d think even a bunch of Mideast loonies’d have some respect for an end-of-summer sale … Now him and me both out of work and me with child. ‘Course we ought to be thankful, knock wood. (An absent nod in HOWARD’s direction) There’s a lot worse off than us, isn’t there, hon?

  (HOWARD tries to make some sort of gesture with his mouth, but nothing works)

  CARLA: I know these black guy, right? He is workin in the office next to mine? He say, listen, I had my eye on you a long time. Like this I don’ know, right? He says, hey, les talk. He say, I gotta quart of Idaho gin, I been savin it for you. He say, I goin to jump-start you battery, babe. I goin to give you sweet content. I say, stop it, okay? You fall inna toilet or what? The guy won’t quit. He say, I ain’t takin no plastic love, babe. I am talkin penetration of you sweet an’ private parts. I say, right, I am focking overcome with lust. I say, I wan’ some terminal disease, I go sit in a crosstown bus, I don’ gotta sit on you.

  LOUISE ANN: Life has often dealt me roles of quiet distress. Even before I met Howard, my family had very little luck shoppin discount stores. I lost two brothers in retail accidents. Poor Bob went out to Ward’s and was set upon by Mormons at a Fall Recliner Sale … they said God didn’t like us leanin back … He was taken in a car somewhere, and beaten severely about the head. When they finally let him go, he was captured by nuns south of Reading, Pennsylvania, and forced to mow lawns for some time. Bob just wasn’t right after that … My youngest brother Will went to the Western Auto Store and vanished out of sight. Mama thinks he might’ve got into an alternate style of life. The boy was keen on fashion magazines.

  (LOUISE ANN stops what she is doing, and leans into the TV)

  LOUISE ANN: What’s he sayin now? Turn that up, Carla, he might be doin names.

  CARLA: He is doin the news, okay? He is not doin names. You want to see the news? You want to see a current event? So go look out inna hall.

  (LOUISE ANN reaches over and turns up the TV herself)

  LOUISE ANN: He could be doin names. That is a part of the news like anything else …

  (The lights flicker again. Something serious begins to go wrong with HOWARD’s life-support system. A pipe breaks; a wire snaps; a little more fluid gushes free. HOWARD looks alarmed)

  LOUISE ANN: (Irritated with power failure) Oh, for Heaven’s sake. I do not see why we have to put up with that. I saw last night, on the news? This man said a lady saw a whole flock of chickens. Rhode Island Reds, jus’ runnin wild out on the road.

  CARLA: These lady think she see a chicken, she is smokin bad shit, okay? She don’ see no flock of chicken somewhere, I tell you that.

  LOUISE ANN: Now she might have … you don’t know that, Carla. You see the bad side of ever’thing is what you do. You got to say, now I am puttin Mr. Negative behind me … I am lookin for Mr. Good …

  CARLA: (Silently mouths LOUISE ANN’s words)

  LOUISE ANN: There was this ol’ lady in two-oh-five? Miz Sweeny or so-methin, you recall? She swore on Jesus her sister had the last cardinal bird in Tennessee. Kept it in a hamster cage long as she could stand it. Started dreamin ‘bout it and couldn’t sleep. Got up in the middle of the night and stir-fried it in a wok.

  CARLA: (Shakes her head) That was not the ol’ lady’s sister had these bird. That was her aunt or somethin. And it wasn’ no cardinal it was a chay.

  LOUISE ANN: Now I am near certain it was a cardinal. A jay, now, if she’d had a jay, I doubt very much she could’ve kept the thing quiet. They make a awful lot of noise.

  CARLA: Hey, Louise Ann. You see these bird you self? You don’ see this, you don’ know if it hoppen or not. You don’ know somebody see a bird it’s red or blue or what.

  LOUISE ANN: Well ever’body don’t lie. I mean I am sure there are those who do, Carla, but I sincerely hope they are not of my acquaintance.

  CARLA: I meet these guy, couple weeks ago? I’m workin late, he’s workin late. What he’s doin, he is keeping his eye on me. He says, listen, you ever eat a duck? I say, no I don’ ever eat a duck. He say, I got a duck. He say, okay, I haven’ got a duck. I got somethin tastes like a duck. I am lookin these guy in the eye, I see how he is lookin at me. I say, right, I wan’ some of you duck that ain’t a duck, I got to do what? He says, hey, you an’ me, we goin to get along fine. He say, go back to you office. Write somethin pretty nasty on the screen. I say, will you stop? I am real disappointed in y
our behavior, man. I say, you got no focking social grace, you know? He say fine, so do somethin else. I say what? He say, go back to you office. Sit on the Xerox, okay? Fax me you sweet little tootie, I give you half a duck. I say, get outta here, I’m gonna what? Expose my lovely parts to harmful rays? He say, what do you know, maybe it’s gonna feel kinda good. I say, hey, I’m so aroused I’m passin out.

  (The power flickers again. HOWARD looks really concerned, as more pipes begin to break; more fluids begin to splatter from his device)

  CARLA: (Irritated with power failure) Can you believe? What is this, huh?

  LOUISE ANN: Mr. Axtel in fifth grade, he taught shop and home ec? Tried to get me to sit on a baked potato once. He said not many girls’d do it. I said, well I am surely not surprised to hear that. I related this incident to Howard in later years. He said it smacked of deviant behavior to him. He said he couldn’t be sure, unless he saw the actual event. (Raises an eyebrow in HOWARD’s direction) Don’t you try and deny it, Howard. That is exactly what you said. I distinctly remember your words. (LOUISE ANN shakes her head and sighs; she touches CARLA’s arm without looking up) I shouldn’t complain, I know that. Howard and I have had our differences, but I’d say we’ve had a good life. I have found marriage to be a tolerable condition, in spite of the side effects. On our very first date, Howard took my maiden state against my will, and I can’t forgive him that. However, I do not feel the sin’s on my head, since I had no idea what he was doin at the time.

  CARLA: Hey, this is what a man is goin to do. He is goin to do whatever he can get away with, right? A guy says, hey, baby, I got these glandular needs, I am losin all control.

  LOUISE ANN: Howard may have used some electrical device. I’m sure I couldn’t say.

  CARLA: A man got somethin he wanta do, he says, hey, that ain’t perverted, everybody doin that. Whatever it is, this is what it’s okay to do. I got this cousin back in Puerto Rico when I’m a kid? He tended to piss in ladies’ shoes from time to time. You step in you Sunday school pump, you gonna get a big surprise.

  (The power flickers once again—nothing real bad, just a little teaser this time)

  LOUISE ANN: I only went out with one boy before Howard. His name was Alvin Simms. His family was from western Illinois. First generation up from trash is what they was. I wouldn’t let him touch me, of course, but I’m afraid I allowed sexual liberties over the phone. I deeply regret doin that. Alvin’s fantasies ran to outdoor life. Badgers were on his mind a lot. (Shakes her head, remembering) When I come to think about it, the women in my family got no sense at all it comes to men. My great-grandmother worked directly with the man who invented the volleyball net they use all over the world in tournament play. ‘Course she never got the credit she deserved. My family has rubbed elbows with greatness more than once, but you couldn’t tell it from lookin at us now. You know I try to hold Christian thoughts in my head, Carla. But sometimes, I must admit I do not feel God is close by.

  CARLA: No shit. When is that?

  LOUISE ANN: You can laugh if you like. I assure you, I am quite serious about God. Carla, now turn that up. I think they’re doin names …

  CARLA: He is not doin names. He’s sellin somethin, okay?

  LOUISE ANN: I thought he just might be doin names. Last year they did a good many names during Christmas. Not just Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day as well, and on through the entire holiday season as I recall.

  CARLA: (Speaks in a sympathetic tone. She know when to put her cynical armor aside, and offer her friend a kind word) They probably goin to do it real soon, right? I think that’s what they goin to do.

  LOUISE ANN: You might be in the bathroom or somethin, you know? I was thinkin ‘bout that. You got the water on, you went out to the store? They could do it, you wouldn’t even hear, you wouldn’t know …

  CARLA: (Stands, gives LOUISE ANN a rough hug) Hey, they not about to do that. I know this for sure.

  LOUISE ANN: You don’t have to go. I’m pleased to have you here, you know that. I could make some more tea.

  CARLA: I got to go put up my stuff. You lock up good. I call you in the mornin, okay? (Carla picks up her assault rifle and grocery sack) Hey, Merry Christmas, Howard. You lookin good, man.

  (CARLA exits. LOUISE ANN pauses a moment to watch her go. Going back to her work, she sees something that bothers her on the TV.)

  LOUISE ANN: Oh, my Lord … (She washes her hands quickly at the sink; keeps her eyes on the TV) There are a lot of things of a disturbin nature on the television, Howard, the situation bein what it is and all? (Wipes hands on a towel) Which is not to say one cannot be more selective, and find somethin more suitable for family viewin.

  (LOUISE ANN reaches up and takes the cover off the bottle containing her baby)

  LOUISE ANN: Come on, honey. There you are. (Takes bottle off of the shelf, and cuddles it to her breast) I see you. I see you, hon … (Speaks as she walks to a rocker with the bottle) … Which is somethin I feel we should discuss in depth, Howard. The TV and all. I mean, we are a family now.

  (LOUISE ANN loosens her blouse and bares one breast. Her breast is partially covered by a circle of metal and pink plastic. A clear plastic tube is attached to the center of the circle. As she talks, LOUISE ANN inserts the free end of the tube in the top of the bottle containing the baby)

  LOUISE ANN:… And that means certain added responsibilities for us both. You might want to think on that, Howard, seein as how you appear to have the time …

  (LOUISE ANN leans in and turns up the TV. Tinny Christmas music can be heard from the speaker. The power in the room flickers again. LOUISE ANN’s face is illuminated in the light from the TV screen)

  LOUISE ANN: See the man, baby? See the nice man on TV? The man might do names. You watch, he just might … (LOUISE ANN rocks, and teases the baby with the “pet cat” on a stick) He might do mama’s name … he might do daddy’s name … Why, he might do your name, too. Yes sir, you don’t know, he just might … that’s what he might do …

  (Everything is going wrong with HOWARD. A very sorry sight indeed.)

  TINNY CHRISTMAS MUSIC UP AND FADE …

  CURTAIN

  BIRTH DAY

  Robert Reed

  Everyone likes birthdays. As the ingenious little story that follows will show us, though, some birthdays can be a bit more surprising than others …

  A relatively new writer, Robert Reed is a frequent contributor to The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, and he has also sold stories to Universe, New Destinies, Isaac Asimov’s Science Fiction Magazine, Synergy, and other magazines and anthologies. His books include the novels The Lee Shore, The Hormone Jungle, Black Milk, The Remarkables, and Down the Bright Way, and a new novel is in the works. His story “The Utility Man” was on the final Hugo Ballot in 1990, and his story “Pipes” was in our Ninth Annual Collection. He lives in Lincoln, Nebraska.

  Jill asks how she looks.

  “Fine,” I tell her. “Just great, love.”

  And she says, “At least look at me first. Would you?”

  “I did. Didn’t I?” She’s wearing a powder-blue dress—I’ve seen it before—and she’s done something to her hair. It’s very fine and very blonde, and she claims to hate it. I don’t like how she has it right now. Not much. But I say, “It’s great,” because I’m a coward. That’s the truth. I sort of nod and tell her, “You do look great, love.”

  “And you’re lying,” she responds.

  I ignore her. I’m having my own fashion problems of the moment, I remind myself. She caught me walking across the bedroom, trying to bounce and shake myself just so—

  “Steve?” I hear. “What are you doing?”

  “Testing my underwear,” I say with my most matter-of-fact voice. “I found only one clean pair in the drawer, and I think the elastic is shot. I don’t think I can trust them.”

  She says nothing, gawking at me.

  “I don’t want anything slipping during dinner.” I’m laughing, wearing nothing but
the baggy white pair of Fruit of the Looms, and the leg elastic has gone dry and stiff. Worse than worthless, I’m thinking. An enormous hazard. I tell Jill, “This isn’t the night to court disaster.”

  “I suppose not,” she allows.

  And as if on cue, our daughter comes into the room. “Mommy? Mommy?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “David just threw up. Just now.”

  Our daughter smiles as she speaks. Mary Beth has the bright, amoral eyes of a squirrel, and she revels in the failures of her younger brother. I worry about her. Some nights I can barely sleep, thinking about her bright squirrel eyes—

  “Where is he?” asks Jill, her voice a mixture of urgency and patient strength. Or is it indifference? “Mary Beth?”

  “In the kitchen. He threw up in the kitchen … and it stinks!”

  Jill looks at me and decides, “It’s probably nerves.” Hairpins hang in the corner of her mouth, and her hands hold gobs of the fine blonde hair. “I’m dressed, honey. Could you run and check? If you’re done bouncing and tugging, I mean.”

  “It’s not funny,” I tell her.

  “Oh, I know,” she says with a mocking voice.

  I pull on shorts and go downstairs. Poor David waits in a corner of the kitchen. He’s probably the world’s most timid child, and he worries me at least as much as Mary Beth worries me. What if he’s always afraid of everything? What kind of adult will he make? “How do you feel?” I ask him. “Son?”

  “O.K.,” he squeaks.

  I suppose he’s embarrassed by his mess. He stands with his hands knotted together in front of him, and his mouth a fine pink scar. The vomit is in the middle of the kitchen floor, and Mary Beth was right. It smells. Our black lab is sniffing at the vomit and wagging her tail, her body saying, “Maybe just a lick,” and I give her a boot. “Get out of there!” Then I start to clean up.

  “I didn’t mean to.…”

  “I know,” I reply. This is a fairly normal event, in truth. “How do you feel? O.K.?”

  He isn’t certain. He seems to check every aspect of himself before saying, “I’m fine,” with a soft and sorry voice.