The Broken Hearts' Society of Suite 17C

by LeighAnn Kopans

  “Yeah,” the girl replied with a knowing smile. “Other girls can pay as much as they want for videos and karaoke machines and matching heels. Everyone knows what they all really want is warm slippers and a fire.”

  “We wanted to get sweatshirts for you all too, but that would have been a little expensive. Plus our main priority was to feed you. Come on in.” Another girl in the same yoga pants and zip up hoodie came in.

  After accepting a pair of slippers, Arielle settled onto the couch next to the girl with the sleek chestnut ponytail who had greeted her. Apparently she was responsible for the first wave of potential new members, who all the girls kept referring to as ‘PNMs.’ She invited all of them to find a seat around the huge sectional couch and on floor cushions where she asked about their recruitment experience so far. “We can’t talk about it too much, because it’s against the rules, but just wanted to make sure everyone was okay. Obviously we are dedicated to warming up your feet, but if you need anything else, like a Tylenol or a tampon, do not hesitate to ask.”

  The laughter quickly turned from nervous to relaxed when she said that. “I’m Lanie, and if you have any questions about Alpha Chi, you should absolutely ask me. For now I want to hear about you. Let’s do a quick round of best and worst thing about your first semester at Indiana Northern.”

  Wow, this was super cheesy. But as Lanie went around the circle, Arielle half-listened and half-surveyed the other women in the room. More and more Alpha Chi sisters trickled in wearing their yoga pants and hoodies, asking each PNM who came in whether they needed anything and how they were doing, with genuine concern on their faces. They were actually listening. Everything about them—from their clothes to their jokes to their complete absence of showmanship—felt so real.

  As more sisters came into the room, each PNM was paired with one of them. This was nothing new—it had happened at every single house. Unlike the disco house where Ari had felt like she was in the middle of a bar, and the trivia house where she felt like she was reading an academic resume out loud, and the Abercrombie house where the girls’ opinion of a PNM seemed to increase with the number of fraternity names she could drop, Alpha Chi felt like a place she could relax, speak her mind, maybe even find a friend. Or a whole house full of them.

  Any knots of worry that Arielle still had started to unwind when Lanie plopped down on the couch next to next to her. “What do you think?” she asked with just enough energy that Arielle believed she really was interested in the answer, but just enough softness that she didn’t feel like she was under the glare of a microscope, or interviewing for a high-stakes job.

  “About…?”

  “Anything.” Lanie said with a gentle smile. “It’s a trick they taught us. If you answer what you think about the different houses, you’re in interview mode. If you answer with a question, it’ll show us that you’re actually interested in having a conversation. It’s supposed to teach us something about who you really are, but honestly none of this process can really show us that anyway.”

  Arielle laughed for the first time all night. “Are you seriously telling me that you joined a sorority whose recruitment process is pointless?”

  Lanie shrugged. “Nah, it’s not pointless. I’m a sociology major. Humans need structure, rules, and boundaries to function successfully in groups. But what I am saying is that, almost hands-down, the best way to learn about a girl is not through structured conversations that carefully avoid forbidden topics.”

  “The Three Bs,” Arielle said, nodding.

  “Yeah. Not that money and drinking and who you’re dating is actually important to us, but this is my fourth year in college. I know those things color all the other things in your life. If they were smart, they would have told us specifically to ask about those things, and judge a sister based on how she talks about them. But, you know, humans are stupid.” Lanie laughed, and her statement struck Arielle as so ridiculous and so true at the same time that Arielle laughed with her.

  “You know? You’re right. I’ve gotten really close to my roommates, who were totally random, and I consider myself so lucky. In fact they’re two out of three people on this campus that I’ve gotten close to so far, and I didn’t know any of them in my life before this.”

  “Right? And you never would have seen them walking across campus and thought, wow, that girl and I would so be amazing friends.”

  “Definitely not,” Arielle laughed. “In fact I probably would have avoided them like the plague. One of them was a cheerleader church girl, and the other one has a nose piercing, bleach-blond streaks, and mixes hard rock, pop, and electronic music in her spare time. I’m Jewish and not a cheerleader and I only have one hole in each ear. And I mostly like to read, lay around in yoga class, and go to the occasional concert, so…yeah. I’m really glad they’re my roommates though.”

  Lanie’s eyes opened wide. “You’re Jewish? What synagogue did you grow up in?”

  They filled the next several minutes with Jewish geography—rapid-fire questions about youth group acquaintances and second cousins and rabbis each of them knew. There was at least one youth group conference they’d both attended.

  “Well, I’m really glad you told me about your roommates, because Alpha Chi is kind of like that. We’re all pretty different—see, Bella over there loves to wear makeup, and I don’t think Dani has ever tried any in her life.” Lanie motioned to both girls, and it was clear that, yes, Bella had spent a lot more time getting dolled up in her yoga pants and sweatshirt, and looked pristine, where Dani looked like she’d just rolled out of bed. Both looked equally happy and relaxed to be doing this whole crazy recruitment thing, though. There were very few moments in Arielle’s life when she’d felt one hundred percent happy and relaxed, but when she tried to envision herself in this room, a year from now, doing the exact same thing—welcoming freshmen with warm slippers, a comfy couch, and totally inclusive conversation—she could see herself fitting in here, too.

  That was something that rarely happened.

  A handbell rang, and Lanie groaned. “Dammit. I actually like talking to you. We’ve got five minutes to go. Anything else?”

  “Oh, I…” Arielle stammered. It was crazy, but she was actually sad about this recruitment round ending, too. The thought of being cut from this house in the next round made her fidget, and the idea of never coming back to Alpha Chi made her heart sink. Damn her, Lauren had been right.

  Oh, shit. Lauren. She’d agreed not to say anything to anyone, but last week, it had only been principle. Now Arielle had gone and done the thing she would have sworn up and down she’d never do—fallen in love with a sorority. If Alpha Chi hated gay girls, it would kill her. And that was why she had to find out, now, before she fell even more in love with it.

  “Oh! You never told me about the third girl. The one you liked even though you didn’t expect to.” Lanie smiled, apparently having no idea that she’d just opened the one can of worms that Arielle had promised not to open. Jittery terror bloomed in her chest, skittering down her arms and twisting in her stomach.

  “Yeah. She’s…um…I’m going to be honest right now, okay?”

  “Okay…” Lanie said. “Are you going to tell me she’s like an axe murderer or a prostitute or something?”

  Just the idea of beautiful, sweet Lauren being either of those things sent Ari into a fit of giggles. “No no. No. It’s just…she’s my girlfriend.”

  “Right. You said she was a friend of yours.”

  “No, like my girlfriend. Like, I’m gay.”

  “Oh. And?” The look of bored confusion at this revelation on Lanie’s face almost gave Arielle another giggling fit.

  “Well, I know we’re not supposed to talk about dating, but…”

  “No, you’re not supposed to talk about the sorority as straight path to hooking up, or make us think your entire life revolves around the person you’re dating. Our president last year was a lesbian. Her girlfriend was here all the time.”

  �
�Seriously?”

  “Yeah,” Lanie scoffed. “Seriously, it’s like the opposite of a big deal. No offense, but whether the person you’re making out with has a dick or tits is like one of the least interesting things about you. You know?”

  Lanie’s face was so open, so easy. It made Ari feel stupid for thinking this would ever be a big deal to anyone at Northern. “My ex is in Alpha Rho. She made it sound like it would not be good for her if they knew she was dating a girl. That’s actually why…well, never mind. It’s not important.”

  “No, it’s not. Especially past relationships. Sorority recruitment is the beginning of your next three and a half years here, not about what happened before. But that’s weird. I’d never heard of Alpha Rho hating on lesbians.”

  “Oh,” Arielle said as a thousand new questions cropped up in her mind. “Well…then I guess I was wrong.”

  “You have nothing to worry about here. Seriously, no stress. As long as you and your girlfriend don’t end up in the same sorority, nobody should even give it a second thought. And if they do, they’re a total bitch and you don’t want to be in that sorority anyway. And we don’t let bitches like that in Alpha Chi anyway. Okay?”

  And there was the kicker. The sentence that echoed in Arielle’s mind. “As long as you don’t end up in the same sorority.”

  Lauren wanted to be in a sorority, to be part of something bigger, so badly. What would happen if she showed up at Alpha Chi and felt the same comfort and connection that Arielle had? It seemed almost inevitable now, because Lauren and Arielle got along so well. How could they not love the same group of girls?

  Just as Arielle was changing back into her flats, her phone buzzed, and she grinned at the message there.

  <3 : AT STARBUCKS. YOU’RE LATE! HAVING MORE FUN THEN EXPECTED?

  Arielle shook her head and swallowed hard. Lanie came up behind her and slung and arm around her shoulder. “See you tomorrow for philanthropy, right?”

  “I can’t wait,” Arielle answered. The best and the worst part of that small sentence, and the smile that accompanied it, was how genuinely she meant both.

  Lauren got to her feet the minute Arielle walked into the coffee shop to meet her. She grinned so wide it looked like her cheeks would crack open. “You liked it, huh?” Arielle said, smiling. Once again, seeing Lauren so happy was making her heart nearly burst.

  “Yes. I shouldn’t have been worried about it at all. I’m so sorry I made you go through with it. I can’t believe I was so nervous. Ari, these girls are amazing!”

  “All of them?”

  “Well, obviously, some of them were insane.”

  “Like, the mirrored shoes?”

  Lauren laughed, never breaking her grin. “Yeah. But the gym rats were so sweet, and then—” And then Lauren checked herself, like she’d just realized something. “Wait a minute. You don’t look totally miserable. You liked one of the houses, didn’t you?”

  Arielle shrugged. “Whatever. It’s not important.”

  “Is it not important enough for this to be your last night? Or are you going back for philanthropy tomorrow?”

  “Well, I…”

  “Oh my God, you are! I can’t believe this! My girlfriend is going to be a sorority girl!” Lauren wiggled in her seat, seemingly even happier now.

  But the pit in Arielle’s stomach that had started there only got heavier and heavier. “Yeah, it’s great. Listen, though, I feel really bad about this.”

  “Wait, why?”

  “Well, I really only liked one, and I told them about you. And the girl—I really, really liked this house, Lauren—she said that it would only be a problem if we ended up in the same house.”

  “Wait. You told her about me? I thought we weren’t going to mention each other. The three Bs, remember?”

  The shock of seeing Lauren’s face, anything but happy or loving, made the ball in Arielle’s stomach wind even tighter. “Well, I thought I was going to be able to write this whole thing off as something that I did just because I love you. I never thought I would end up actually liking one of them.”

  “So you told her about me. Did you say my name?”

  “No, I don’t think so. It was at the end of the session, and I…wait. Why do you care? What are you afraid of?” Arielle knew she shouldn’t let her mind go directly to that place, the one of paranoia and fear. But now, it was way too hard to make any more excuses.

  “I’m afraid of it hurting my chances. God, Arielle, you know why this is so important to me. There are rules, and you have to follow them. They’re there for a reason. What if we end up in the same sorority? Then what are we supposed to do?”

  “Well isn’t that why we should tell them? So that we don’t?”

  “No! Don’t you get it? You’re not supposed to match with a certain sorority so you can keep dating your girlfriend. We’re supposed to be focusing on finding the place where we really belong.”

  “Well there’s nothing we can do about it now,” Arielle huffed, throwing her hands in the air. “You’re not the only one who deserves to find a group of girls you feel comfortable in. You’re not the only one who can act normal. I liked one of those houses. It’s just that I consider you a big enough part of my life to make sure they know about you before they accept me.”

  Arielle took a deep breath before she finished her speech. “Look, Lauren. I love you, so much that I consider us a package deal. But I guess finding the right sorority is more important to you than keeping me in your life.”

  There were too many emotions swirling around Arielle now, and she stood up abruptly, making her chair stutter against the floor when it pushed back.

  “Ari, baby, please.”

  “Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that in private when you won’t even talk about my existence in public.”

  “That is not fair, Ari. I understand why this upsets you, okay? I know Rachel treated you like shit.”

  “Well then explain to me why you’re doing the same thing. Explain to me why you’re so determined to keep me a secret, too.” One tear fell out of Arielle’s eye, and she reached up to swipe it away with her still-gloved hand.

  “Explain to me why you have to tell everyone we’re together, immediately, even if telling people too soon could ruin my chances. You know how badly I want this.”

  “Well, if you want to pretend you’re someone you’re not just to get something you want that badly, then maybe you don’t want me enough to keep me.” Pain sliced through Arielle’s chest as the full impact of the words she’d just let loose rang back in her ears. She stared at Lauren, begging her to do something to fix this whole conversation. But she knew nothing could. She knew they were at odds, and what was worse, she knew both of them were being a little stupid. She also knew, deep down, that neither of them was going to budge.

  The worst part was that she loved this girl so damn much that she wouldn’t ask her to do the only thing that actually would fix this—tell her to stay away from the sorority that Arielle really, really wanted now. Because what if Lauren loved those girls too?

  Then came the craziest realization of her whole life—Arielle wanted Lauren to be happy, even if it meant making herself miserable.

  “You know what? I’m not going to ask you to lie. Go ahead and tell them the truth—you don’t have a girlfriend. There are no conflicts of interest, nothing to worry about. I understand how bad you want it, and I won’t be the person who ruins that for you.”

  Now tears were streaming down Arielle’s cheeks, and she gave herself a small pat on the back for at least refraining from raising her voice. Lauren’s eyes were wide, panicked, and she looked like she was going to throw up.

  “I don’t understand why we can’t…I mean, just for the week…Arielle, I love you.”

  Arielle shook her head, forcing the lump in her throat down far enough to get the words out. “Not enough. And that’s okay. I’m done asking people to love me more than they can.”

  With one la
st look at Lauren, her frozen posture, and her trembling bottom lip, Arielle headed out into the dark, whipping wind. The sound of Lauren telling her for the last time that she loved her started her heart hardening around the edges.

  She should have listened to her gut—once a straight girl, always a straight girl. If Lauren wasn’t sure enough of her identity to let her future sorority know, then she wasn’t sure enough for Arielle. Period.

  She pushed into Suite 17C and dropped her bag, realizing vaguely through her tears, which felt angry instead of devastated this time, that she couldn’t feel her face, and there was a vague numbness running through her arms, spreading through her legs, which she had to concentrate on moving one after the other. She collapsed into bed without washing her face or brushing her teeth, unable to feel a single thing except her poor, throbbing heart.

  Arielle

  Before Lauren, everything in Arielle’s life had felt completely amazing or completely devastating. It sounded simplistic, and maybe Arielle’s life had been beyond sheltered and privileged, but there it was.

  Before Lauren, going through sorority recruitment with her sights on Alpha Chi would have been completely amazing. She freaking loved that sorority—everything about it, from the girls she had increasingly meaningful conversations with to their damn living room. It had been so long since she felt like she’d brought her whole self, with everything out there, to a place, and been accepted for it.

  Well, almost her whole self. For one thing, she couldn’t say anything about who her girlfriend was—no matter how upset she was about Lauren refusing to disclose the fact that they were dating, she wouldn’t ruin something like that for any girl—and for another, the words Lauren said and the looks that had twisted her normally relaxed, happy features into confusion and pain wouldn’t stop playing on a loop in Arielle’s head.

  Arielle knew that Alpha Chi was the perfect place for her, just like she thought she’d known Lauren was the perfect girl for her. And so the deep rooted fear set in—was the problem with Lauren, or with Arielle? Was she trading one shaky reality for another? Was she abandoning one thing she desperately wanted, desperately needed for the sake of another? And why the hell, for once in her life, couldn’t she have both?