Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

  The phone rang several times before he heard Rhonda say, “Hello?”

  Brian opened his mouth, but some invisible force held his tongue.

  “Hello?” she said again. “Brian, honey, is that you?”

  Brian twisted the mouthpiece over his head and listened to her breathing. Water filled his eyes and he blinked to keep them from spilling over.

  He hit the “cancel” button and the phone buzzed in his ear. Brian spotted the clock on the far wall. 3:00 PM. He had half-an-hour to his next appointment. He walked to the couch and lay down. His body ached. All the strain was taking its toll. He closed his eyes and within minutes, he slept.

  15

  “Welcome.” The familiar, evil tone had returned.

  Brian stared into the darkness, but saw nothing.

  “Welcome to my world,” said the voice again.

  “Who are you?”

  “All in good time,” it hissed. “We have plenty of it.”

  Brian jolted awake, disoriented.

  Someone knocked on the door.

  “Come in,” Brian said smoothing his hair.

  “Excuse me, sir,” Sheila said peeking around the door, “but Dr. Jai would like to have a word with you.”

  Brian nodded. He grabbed a tissue and wiped at his face. He adjusted his tie, and looked up to see the hospital board vice-president enter his office.

  Brian stood. “Dr. Jai, so good to see you.” He crossed the room to shake Dr. Jai’s hand.

  The serious Asian doctor nodded and motioned for Brian to sit on the couch.

  Brian obeyed.

  Dr. Jai sat behind Brian’s desk, causing Brian to have to sit sideways to see him.

  “Dr. Manifold, do you know why I’m here?”

  “I assume because I missed the council meeting the other day.”

  “I wish that was the only reason, Doctor, but it’s not.” He folded his hands and placed them on Brian’s desk. “You see, Doctor, my job is to make sure we have the best staff. Do you think you’re the best staff?”

  “Yes I do,” Brian said.

  “Hmm? I’m not so sure anymore.” Dr. Jai stood and walked to the chair across from Brian, but didn’t sit. “Do you know what I received on my desk this morning?”

  No way did he want to know. Brian shook his head, but was sure his expression revealed his suspicion.

  “I’m afraid it was a pretty disturbing report about your performance.”

  “Ray, jerk,” Brian mumbled.

  “I’m sorry? I didn’t get that, Doctor. What did you say?”

  “I just said that Ray…I mean, Dr. Jensen, is out to get me.”

  “On the contrary, Doctor. Jensen has been your best friend through this entire ordeal. He has defended you.”

  “Then who’s reporting me?”

  “Well now…” Dr. Jai encircled the chair and sat. “That would be the question, wouldn’t it? But out of protection of those employees, I’m not at liberty to say.”

  “I see.” Brian looked down at his hands.

  “Do you?”

  Brian met his stare. “I understand that someone doesn’t want me here.”

  Dr. Jai raised an eyebrow. “So, it’s a conspiracy, then?”

  Brian shifted uncomfortably. “It must be. I’m a good doctor.”

  “Yes, I believe you are.”

  Brian shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

  “You see, Dr. Manifold, you came to us with a spotless record, and you’ve changed many lives during your tenure here. But a psychologist who doesn’t know when to get help for himself can only hurt people. You realize you’re at that point, don’t you?”

  “No, I don’t. Why does everyone seem to think that I need help?” Brian asked. “I assure you. I’m fine.”

  Dr. Jai walked behind the couch where Brian sat. He placed his hand on Brian’s left shoulder. “That’s what I mean.” He patted twice and started for the door. “I’ll have Dr. Jensen book you an appointment to see someone outside our hospital next week.” He turned back, his gaze stern. “That’s not a recommendation, Dr. Manifold, but an order. Do I make myself clear?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Dr. Jai nodded and left.

  Brian plummeted backward on the couch. Sweat seeped through his shirt. He rolled out of his jacket and dropped to the floor. Can things get any worse? Brian didn’t want the answer to that question. He pressed his face into the forest green carpet and cried.

  Am I losing my mind? Things at home were bad, but not at work. He needed his job. It kept him going. Maybe Dr. Jai was right. Maybe he needed to talk to someone. He needed to get out his frustration.

  Brian inched along the floor toward the door. He used the knob to stand, and then shut and locked the door. He went to his desk and pulled a flask from inside the drawer. His hand shook as he brought the bottle to his mouth. Instantly, the drink soothed him.

  Who am I kidding? I’m just fine. Everyone else needs to get a grip. He wiped his eyes and rang his secretary.

  “Sheila, is my last appointment here yet?”

  “No, sir,” she said. “They’ve canceled.”

  “Good,” he said. “Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Brian shut off his banker’s lamp and stood in the darkness. His stomach churned. Maybe he needed to see a medical doctor; his stomach had bothered him for months.

  Brian pushed another mouthful of bourbon back in his throat and swallowed. He didn’t want to go home, but he also didn’t want to stay here. Where could he go? He peeked out the blinds.

  Cars raced by at a maddening pace, and in a polarized fashion, boats sailed in the distance without a care.

  It was late fall. The beaches were probably deserted. He took another drink, snapped off his light, and headed out. He would go to the beach.

  The elevator door opened and Ray walked out.

  “Hi, Brian.”

  Brian stepped into the elevator without a word and pushed to close the door.

  “Brian, don’t be like that. Come on, I came down to talk to you.” Ray stepped back into the elevator.

  Brian shook his head and pushed the “open” button.

  “I’ll take the next one,” Brian said and stepped back out.

  “Brian…”

  Brian waved to the closing door.

  ****

  Ray pushed the button to the lower floor. When the door opened, he stepped out into the parking garage, saw a familiar face, and smiled. “Going home?”

  Danielle turned from her car door. “Yes, it’s been a long day.”

  He walked around his car next to her. “I would agree with you there.”

  “Any change with the Brian situation?”

  “No,” he said simply.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Her blue eyes sparkled in the florescent light. She really was a beautiful woman. The pull that drew him earlier beckoned him again.

  The elevator opened, and a few employees filtered out. He waited for them to dissipate to their own cars, cleared his throat and looked at her. “Are you free right now?” he asked.

  “Yes.” She grinned.

  “How about we get something to eat. I’m starved.”

  “I’d love that.” She slammed her door closed and hit the alarm. It beeped, echoing in the garage. “You driving?”

  “Apparently.” He laughed. “Come on.”

  They walked to his sedan, and he let her in the passenger door. As he walked around the back of the car, his stomach flipped in anticipation. He felt like a young boy going on his first date. Why did this girl bring that out in him? Never had he felt so comfortable and so out-of-sorts at the same time. It was exhilarating.

  He climbed in and started the engine. Jazz music blared through the speakers. He turned down the knob volume and offered an embarrassed smile. “Sorry.”

  She giggled. “Perfectly fine. I like mine loud, too.”

  “What kind of music do you listen to?”
he asked, as he pulled the car out of the garage and onto the street.

  “I’m kind of eclectic. Mostly eighties new wave, though R&B, rock, basically anything without twang works for me.”

  “Anything but twang?” he repeated, amused.

  “I don’t really care for country. Guess I’m a city girl through-and-through.”

  “I don’t know if we can be friends, then.”

  Her eyes grew wide. “Seriously?”

  He laughed. “My mom is a huge country gospel fan. She may not approve.”

  Danielle stared, and then nodded. “I see, so you’re a mama’s boy.”

  Inside, Ray cringed. He’d heard that joke so many times. But he knew she was joking, so he pretended to check his mirror before responding. “Do you like Japanese food?”

  “Love it.”

  “Then how about we eat at Wasabi Grill? It’s only a few blocks from here.”

  “Sounds wonderful.”

  A few minutes later, they parked in the lot and he let her out. A cool breeze blew up from the ocean a few yards away.

  Danielle pulled her arms around her, shivering.

  “You cold?” he asked.

  “A little.”

  He pulled his jacket off and placed it around her shoulders.

  “Thanks.”

  “Sure.” He escorted her inside.

  The restaurant was glass on three sides, two of them overlooking the water. The host walked them to a back table in the corner and offered them large black menus.

  “Thanks.”

  “Would you like anything to drink?”

  Ray looked at Danielle.

  “I’d like hot green tea, please,” she said.

  Ray nodded. “The same.”

  The host walked away, and Ray laid down his menu to stare at his gorgeous date.

  Her gaze searched the pictures of fish and rice. “What do you recommend?” she asked, not looking up.

  “I usually get a Philadelphia roll.”

  Her finger slid across the page, landing on the picture. “Salmon, avocado, cucumber and cream cheese.” She smiled and closed her menu. “Sold. Anything with cream cheese is a good idea.”

  He laughed. “Haven’t you had sushi before?”

  “Oh sure, if you count California rolls and ebi shrimp.”

  “Nope, I guess not.” He smiled.

  Their gazes locked.

  He wished he knew what she was thinking. Did she feel the same magnetic force? She said she wanted to be more than friends. Maybe he needed to have that defined. He leaned forward.

  Slowly, her face moved towards his.

  Adrenaline coursed through his system. Their lips lay millimeters apart, her breath warm on his face. He closed his eyes, longing to touch his lips to hers.

  “I ready take order.”

  Ray pulled his gaze from her and looked to their Asian waiter, disappointed. “We’ll both have a couple Philadelphia rolls, two orders of ebi shrimp, a California roll, ginger salads and some onion soup.”

  The man bowed, gathered the menus, and left them alone.

  Ray glanced back at Danielle. “You take my breath away.”

  “I wasn’t sure you’d want to start anything right now.”

  He sat back, placing his napkin on his lap. “And why is that?”

  She diverted her stare to the table.

  He knew the answer that would alter everything. “Things are tough, but they’ll get better.”

  “Can you talk about it?”

  “Not really.” Though Brian wasn’t his patient, still, confidentiality was huge in their environment. And in our friendship. “What I can say is the man needs prayer. Lots of it.”

  “I sensed that.” She bit her lip and sighed. “You want to change the subject?”

  “Without a doubt.” He smiled. “Let’s talk about you.”

  “Me?”

  His gaze filtered over her manicured hands and up to her face. A small freckle kissed the side of her temple. Secretly, he wanted to touch it. This woman had some spell over him. It empowered him, and for once, he wasn’t frightened. “What do you want to be when you grow up? Besides working as an assistant.”

  “Hmm, aren’t I grown up, now?” She grinned.

  “Debatable.” He winked, clearly kidding.

  She playfully punched his arm. “Let’s see, I’m twenty-six. I guess to you I’m still a baby.”

  Wow, they were eleven years apart. He’d never realized that. Was that OK? He studied her expression. He didn’t care if she didn’t. “Well, when I grow up, I plan to sit around and paint.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Paint? You?”

  He shrugged. “It’s a hobby I used to have in college. As I started working, I never had time anymore. But I miss it.”

  “I’d love to see some of your paintings, sometime.”

  The waiter brought three orange, boat-shaped bowls filled with sushi. Another waiter stepped behind him with bowls of soup and salad. The two men bowed and left them to eat.

  Ray picked up his chopsticks and started rubbing them together to get rid of any splinters. “If I can find any of my paintings, I’ll let you see them.”

  “I bet your mother has them displayed somewhere important.” Danielle smiled and unfolded her napkin into her lap.

  A painting of a purple horse was prominently displayed over his mother’s sewing table. Not exactly art he wanted to show Danielle. “Well, I don’t know if it counts. My mom has stuff from grade school out in the open.”

  “I can’t wait to meet her,” Danielle said, with a twinkle in her eye.

  “Yeah, I bet.” Ray folded his two sticks around the round rice disc, and dipped it in soy sauce. “That’s because you don’t know her.”

  “My parents passed away when I was a teenager. I envy people who have folks.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It was years ago.” She poured more soy sauce into a small dish by her plate. “This is really good.”

  “It is. So, tell me about your hobbies. What do you like to do when you aren’t dealing with doctors like me?”

  She swallowed the bite in her mouth, and then took a sip of tea. “I’m not really an artsy person at all, but I enjoy reading. I read everything. Romances, suspense thrillers, poetry, autobiographies—”

  “What are you reading right now?” Ray asked.

  “Hmm…” She pinched her lips together, obviously thinking. “I think the last thing I read was...” she named a book by a famous author.

  He stared at her, amazed. This woman was nothing like he originally imagined. She was intelligent, interesting, and claiming his heart. “That’s deep. Did you like it?”

  “Yeah, there are so many layers to it. I like writings like that. I want to think, you know?” She smiled. “I guess if I could change professions, I’d teach literature.”

  “Not a doctor?”

  She laughed. “We’ll see what God wants for me.” She popped a green chunk of wasabi in her mouth and started fanning at her mouth. “Hot!” She glanced around the table, obviously in search of water.

  “Hold on.” Ray jumped up and ran to the counter. “Can I get a glass of water, no ice, for my date?”

  The woman nodded.

  Ray glanced back at Danielle. Her eyes were red and tearing.

  “Here you go,” the woman said, handing him a glass of water.

  “Thank you.” Ray rushed it to Danielle.

  She guzzled it down within seconds, and then looked at him, embarrassed. “That was dumb, huh?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

  “I’ll live.” She held up a hand, and laughed. “Well, once I can feel my tongue again, that is.”

  Still laughing, he tossed enough money on the table to cover the check and a generous tip. He glanced up at Danielle. “Are you ready to go?”

  She laughed. “Oh, yeah.”

  16

  A blanket of fog covered the beach. Only a few surfers could be seen in the
water.

  Brian loosened his tie and removed his shoes and socks. He placed his feet in the supple earth and let the soft crystals seep between his toes. The sand was cold but soothing on his feet. He sat and looked out across the waves. Tall walls of water beat hard against the shore. A few seagulls combed the beach.

  Brian breathed the salty air deep into his lungs, closed his eyes and lay back on the malleable surface. The rhythmic sound of the ocean crashing—in and out—soon lulled him to sleep.

  ****

  “I was right, wasn’t I?”

  Brian opened his eyes. Where am I?

  Except for the moon above, darkness surrounded him. Brian strained to see the backdrop. It appeared to be a field of some sort. Black feather-like trees swayed in the distance, a soft, chilling wind blew against his bare arms. He stepped forward and his feet squished in ground muddied by the moisture in the air.

  “I was right, wasn’t I?” came the voice again.

  “About what?” Brian bellowed.

  “You’re not going to make it.”

  Brian stood ready for the beast this time. “I’m just fine,” he said, through clenched teeth. “Do you hear me? I’m fine!”

  A shadow appeared from behind a tree. It didn’t come close enough for Brian to see its horrid face, but he sensed it was the monster from before.

  “No, Brian, you’re not. You’re nothing more than a forlorn, futile human being.”

  “This isn’t real. This whole field is some sick nightmare. When I open my eyes, I’ll be back in my bed. So, I know I’m OK.”

  The beast laughed a vile cackle that iced Brian’s blood to the core. “Don’t you know where you are?”

  “No.”

  “Where is reality, Brian? Where does your world end and my world begin?”

  Brian thought about that. “I suppose in my dreams.”

  “Very good.” It hissed. “But which world is real?”

  “The one where I’m comfortably sleeping in my bed at home. And you…you’re no more than a fabrication shaped by the results of a temporary psychosis brought on by a bad experience.”

  The creature stepped out from behind the shadow. Puss oozed from its eyes and foam dripped from its mouth.