Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

  “Yes, and I have a mother with an enormous heart. We used to have troubled teens stay in our home all the time while I was growing up. One of my foster siblings ended up marrying Amy. He went in the Navy and they live in Bremerton, Washington, now.”

  “Interesting.”

  Ray stared at Danielle, his expression not clear.

  “What?” She wiped her face. “I must be a mess.”

  “Actually, you’re a breath of fresh air.”

  Heat rose in her face. “Thanks.”

  “No, thank you. I couldn’t imagine walking through this without you by my side. You’re amazing.” He reached for her hand and interlaced her fingers with his.

  Goosebumps ran up her arm. She felt like a young girl again. “I’m not sure I’m much good. I honestly don’t know what to say.”

  His hand squeezed hers gently. “You’re here. That’s more than enough.”

  ****

  After four cups of coffee, two packages of stale vending machine pastries, and seven trips to the bathroom, Ray was overjoyed to see Brian’s surgeon immerge.

  Rhonda stood first.

  “Hello, I’m Dr. Porter.” He shook Rhonda’s hand, and then shook Ray’s hand, too. He motioned for them to sit.

  “Is he OK?” Rhonda asked. “Is he going to make it?”

  The doctor nodded. “Your husband lost a lot of blood. We were able to pull the bullet from his stomach, but he’ll have a difficult recovery. He won’t be able to eat solid food for a long while, and we had to insert a bag so he could dispense waste. His recovery will depend on him and his will to survive. Considering this has been deemed a suicide attempt, I won’t say that we’re not concerned.” The doctor pursed his lips and sighed. “Do you have any questions?”

  “Can I see him?” she rasped.

  “Not yet. He’ll be relocated to a room upstairs later this evening. You may see him then. I advise you to get some rest.” He offered her a small grin, nodded, and returned to the doors marked “Employees only.”

  Ray put his hand on her shoulder. “He’s right, you know. You should get some rest.”

  Rhonda shook her head and slumped in her chair. “I don’t think I can sleep until I see him.”

  “Yeah, I figured you’d say that. I asked Danielle to grab you some stuff. She should be here in an hour. I’ll stay with you until then.”

  “Danielle? The woman who has been here all day.” Rhonda tilted her head to the side, eyes narrowed, something she often did when she was ready to drill someone. “Are you two seeing each other?”

  How did he answer that? They’d been trying for weeks, but it never seemed quite right. Even now that she was here with him, it felt strained. Awkward, even. He liked her, but it was too much to consider at the moment. “She’s a good friend.”

  “Well, she better be nice to you, or she’s history.” Rhonda laid her head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh.

  Ray raked a hand through her hair and nodded. “Get some sleep, Rhonda.”

  25

  Brian tried to open his eyes. It was so dark. He feared the beast would soon claim him. His eyelids rested like sandbags. Beyond him, he heard a soothing voice. He longed to see its owner, but he simply could not open his eyes.

  The speech became clearer and stronger. “And I love you. So you see, you have to get better.”

  Rhonda. He recognized his wife’s tone. That’s all the determination he needed. He labored to push his eyelids open.

  “Brian?” he heard Rhonda say. “Nurse. Nurse! You have to get in here. I think he’s waking up.”

  He saw the outline of what appeared to be a nurse’s uniform.

  “Yes,” the nurse said, “I think he just might be trying to make it back. Let me fetch the doctor.”

  The image disappeared and was replaced with Rhonda’s familiar shape. He couldn’t tell if she was smiling or crying. He longed to yell how much he loved her, to wrap his arms around her neck. But his entire body lolled like lead. He squinted.

  “How do you feel?”

  Brian didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. He tried to communicate with his eyes, but he knew he probably just looked cross-eyed.

  “A doctor is on his way to look at you,” Rhonda said, kissing his forehead. “You gave us quite a scare. But I love you, darling, and I so desperately want you to get better.”

  A small tear trickled from the corner of Brian’s eye.

  She wiped it with the back of her hand just as the doctor entered.

  “I see our patient has come back to us. Wonderful.” The chipper medical professional grabbed the chart from the end of Brian’s bed and wrote a few notes. He replaced the chart, crossed to the head of the bed, and withdrew a thin flashlight from his pocket. “Can you talk to me, Brian?” he asked, shining a light into Brian’s pupils.

  He wished he could, but his tongue adhered to the floor of his mouth.

  The doctor nodded, picked up Brian’s arm, and tapped on his hand. “Did you feel that?”

  Brian felt it, but he couldn’t tell him.

  “Blink once for yes and twice for no.”

  Brian blinked once.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Rhonda asked concerned.

  The doctor looked at her and grinned. “Don’t worry, Mrs. Manifold. This is common. He just woke up from quite an experience. The drugs we gave him also aid in this. He can feel and understand me, so that’s a good sign.” He glanced back at Brian. “I’ll be back to check on you in an hour or so.” He nodded to Rhonda and left.

  His wife looked tired. Brian wondered how long she’d stayed by his side. Endlessly, he was sure.

  Ray entered.

  Why wouldn’t Ray just let them be? What more damage did he plan to do?

  “Hi, Brian. I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, but I really am your friend in all this.”

  Brian rolled his eyes. It was his only defense.

  Rhonda ran her fingers through Brian’s hair. “Please, Brian. He isn’t the enemy. I promise.”

  Brian wanted to plead with her to see the truth, but he could only lie there.

  “Brian, there are a few things we need to discuss, but I’ll wait until you’re feeling better.” He looked at Rhonda. “If it’s OK, I need to talk to you for a moment.”

  She turned to Brian. “I’ll be right back,” she said.

  He blinked twice, but Rhonda didn’t seem to notice, and left the room with the enemy.

  Brian stared at the ceiling. Tears grazed his cheeks. He felt so unsure of what had happened. The last thing he clearly remembered was finding Rhonda covered in blood, and dialing 911.

  But then why am I here?

  His eyes suddenly became heavy. He closed them and was out.

  ****

  Rhonda and Ray sat in the hospital coffee shop nursing lattes. “OK, Ray, what’s up? What do you need?”

  “You always were perceptive.”

  “I’ve known you for a long time. I can always tell when there’s something you want from me. Like that one time in college when Brian made up his mind to join that dangerous fraternity, and you had me talk him out of it.”

  Ray smiled. “It’s possible that Brian may forget everything that has happened lately, but it isn’t over by any means. He will have to endure extensive therapy and will most likely be put on medication.”

  Rhonda nodded. “I assumed all that.”

  “Unfortunately, that won’t be enough. He still needs to confront the guilt in his life or he will return to his dark reality.”

  “What are you asking me to do?”

  Ray fingered a napkin on the table. This wasn’t easy for him to say. “Help him confront the guilt.”

  She snorted. “I’m not a psychologist, Ray. You know that. How can I possibly help him?”

  “By talking to him. You stress the importance of working through the accident.” He sipped his drink. “Tell me—and be honest—have you dealt with what happened?”

  Rhonda toyed with
the plastic lid on her coffee cup. “I guess, as much as I can. It’s been hard, but I’ve learned to cope. And I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer.” She looked up. “But if you’re asking me whether or not I forgive him, there’s nothing to forgive. It was an accident.”

  “So, the fact that he was drinking when it happened plays no role in your opinion?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Look, I only ask because it means something to him. It may very well be the reason he’s slipped into such a dreadful psychological state.”

  “Yes, I was angry that he’d been drinking, but I also know that wasn’t why I lost my baby.” She stared Ray in the eye, fresh tears brimming over her lids. “We were excited, dancing around like idiots on the landing. What happened could have happened even if he was sober. No one is to blame for that. God took my baby home. I cling to the fact that God protected her somehow. Maybe even from all this madness. I don’t know.”

  “OK, because what I’m asking you to do won’t be easy. I don’t think he’s ready for me to talk to him yet. Eventually, a counselor will be assigned to him, but for now, he trusts you. We need you.”

  “I understand.”

  Ray pushed back his chair and stood.

  “Wait,” she said, standing next to him. “I have to know something.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Will he be able to go home with me when he heals from the gunshot wound?”

  The question he had dreaded. There it was. He didn’t meet her gaze. His heart hurt for this woman.

  “Ray, please. No more secrets.”

  He lifted his head and smiled a forced grin. “We’ll see.”

  “Don’t hold back anymore. I’m begging you to give it to me straight.” Rhonda squared her shoulders and studied his face.

  “It’s very unlikely that he’ll be able to go home with you. He’s been diagnosed with a pretty serious condition, and the fact that he tried to commit suicide— “

  She cut him off. “But you said he didn’t really know he was shooting himself.”

  “All the more reason they would send him away.”

  “Send him away?” she choked.

  “To Brighton Mental Hospital.”

  Rhonda’s eyes rolled back in her head and her body swayed.

  Oh no. Ray leapt at her, just in time to catch her head before it hit the table. He set her limp body in the chair, and silently scolded himself for being so callous. Couldn’t the news have waited? But she had pushed him to be truthful. Ray rested her head on the table and looked around the room.

  The woman behind him held a glass of ice water.

  “Excuse me,” Ray said, “But my friend has passed out. May I borrow your water?”

  The woman instantly complied.

  “Thank you.”

  Ray lifted her head, and sprinkled water on Rhonda’s face.

  She grimaced and blinked twice, before her eyes fluttered open. Instantly, she grabbed her head. “What happened?”

  “You fainted,” Ray said, returning to his chair. “How do you feel?”

  Rhonda rubbed her temples. “A bit of a headache.”

  “Would you like me to get you some aspirin?”

  “Just give me a second. If it doesn’t clear, I have some pain pills in my purse.”

  “I’m sorry about springing it on you like that. You told me to be honest, but I guess I could have been more sensitive in my approach.”

  She furnished him a half smile. “No, your delivery was fine. I just have a lot to digest.”

  “Yes, and I’m here if you need more clarified.”

  Rhonda nodded. “Ray, you’ve been a true friend. I only wish Brian could see it.”

  “I’m his scapegoat.”

  “Yes, and I’m sorry about that.”

  “It’s OK. I believe God will heal our friendship in time.”

  Rhonda patted his arm. “I’m sure you’re right.” She stood and motioned toward the door. “I’d better get back.” She tossed her cup in the metal container by the door and left for Brian’s room.

  Ray sighed.

  “There you are.” Danielle walked to the table carrying a duffel bag. “I brought Rhonda some of my clothes, and stopped by the drug store to pick up some toiletries.”

  “You’re a God-send, Danielle. Thank you.”

  “I would have been here sooner, but I kind of fell asleep on my couch.” Danielle giggled a nervous laugh, and then pushed the bag across the table. “How is Brian doing? Any better?”

  “Better? Well, he’s out of ICU. So, I guess you could say that. Though he has so many other issues to break through.”

  Danielle reached out and touched his hand.

  Unsure why, Ray recoiled. Instantly, he regretted it.

  Her countenance fell. She stared at him, and then stammered, “Um, well, I will be praying for him.”

  “Yeah. Thank you.” A strange, uncomfortable void seemed to plummet in between them. He wanted to fix it, but nothing seemed right, so he remained quiet.

  After several seconds of awkward silence, Danielle slid back in the chair and stood. “Well, if you need anything, you’ve got my number.”

  “Of course. And thanks for the clothes.”

  She gave a strained smile, waved, and disappeared into the corridor.

  Well, I’m the biggest jerk ever. Here she brings some of her own clothes, stops to get stuff for Rhonda, too, and I treat her like an irritation. Not that he had any clue how this could have gone down any different. When she touched his hand, something in him said, “No, not now.” He couldn’t explain it. Lord, why is this so difficult? Sure, this isn’t the perfect time to start a relationship, but even letting her be my friend would be good for me.

  He scooted back in his chair and walked to the counter to get a refill. Something said in his heart to run after her. To dial her number this instant and make her come back. But a voice in his head held him back.

  Giving in to the second voice, he grabbed his coffee and started the walk back to Brian’s recovery room.

  ****

  Danielle rushed through the lobby in a blur, dashed across the parking lot, and fumbled with her keys. Once inside her car, she let the waterworks flow. How could she be so stupid?

  The man didn’t love her, he was just being nice. Or maybe he did like her at first, but reality set in. She was an embarrassment.

  Did Rhonda know that everyone thought Danielle had had an affair with her husband? Had Rhonda told Ray to stay away from her? Whatever the reason, Ray had blatantly shunned her.

  The amber light reflected in the car, and in the eerie silence, Danielle cried. Buckets of tears rested in her lap. Her jeans were wet, and her nose was so clogged, she had to breathe through her mouth. How ridiculous. He’s just a man.

  Her heart retorted, “A man I’m slowly falling in love with.”

  ****

  Brian sat in what looked like a field of dark purple flowers. In the distance, he could see his daughter collecting a bouquet.

  “Lara?” he called.

  She smiled and started for him, but something made her stop. The young girl’s face went deathly pale. She turned and ran away into the forest behind her.

  “Lara!” Brian screamed, running toward her. But it was too late, she’d vanished. Brian turned to see what had frightened his little girl away.

  A malevolent veil filled the field behind him.

  Fear seized Brian’s core. Brian shot awake, and almost fell out of bed.

  “Honey, are you OK? Should I get the nurse?” Rhonda asked.

  His heart thumped wildly. He labored to still his breathing. “No, it’s OK. I’m fine,” he said. “I just had an awful nightmare.”

  Rhonda sat back in her chair, not looking fully convinced.

  Brian noticed her apprehensive stare. “Really, sweetheart, I’m fine.” He laid his right hand on hers and closed his eyes again.

  ****

  Brian worked to open his eyes. A hazy outline of R
honda’s silhouette came into view. “Rhonda,” he slurred.

  “I’m here. Do you need some water?”

  Brian nodded the best he could.

  She picked up a small, mustard-colored pitcher by the side of the bed and poured him a glass of water.

  Brian tried to sit up, but winced at the sharp pain in his abdomen.

  “Wait, let me help you.” She lifted his head so he could drink. Some of it spilled out on his gown.

  “Brian, we need to talk.”

  Is she serious? His head throbbed, and all he wanted was to close his eyes and sleep. “Now?”

  “Yes, this can’t wait.” She passed him a towel.

  He didn’t say anything, but looked at her.

  “Brian,” she started, “We need to talk about the night Lara died.”

  His pulse raced. He turned his head to face the wall. A small crack punctured the yellow paint. He fixated on it.

  She slid around to the other edge of the bed, blocking the view of his paint crack, and touched his arm. “You need to know that I don’t blame you for what happened. It was an accident. Please stop blaming yourself.”

  “I can’t,” he mumbled.

  “Why not?”

  His body trembled. Something seemed to take control of him. He couldn’t stop shaking.

  “Talk to me, Brian. I need you to tell me why you can’t forgive yourself and get past the guilt?”

  Tears stained his pillow. “It was my fault.”

  Rhonda pulled on his shoulder, forcing him to face her. “No, it wasn’t. We were dancing on the stairs—a stupid thing to do. Yes. But you can’t put the sole responsibility on yourself.”

  “I was drunk.”

  “Yes,” Rhonda nodded, “and I have to admit I was mad, at first.”

  He frowned.

  She leaned forward and lifted his chin. With a small smile, she said, “But I don’t think that’s why it happened. And even if it was, you have to let it go. I’ve forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. And you especially need to ask God to forgive you. “

  “God?” Brian sneered. “It’s God Who did this.”

  “Oh, so first it’s your fault, and now it’s God’s?”