Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

  “Are you aware of what has been going on?”

  “I’m schizophrenic,” Brian answered.

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  Brian stared at the pastor.

  “Rhonda tells me you both lost a child about six months ago. Is that true?”

  Brian looked from Pastor Van to Rhonda.

  She smiled.

  He looked away. “Yes,” he whispered.

  “And you feel that you played a part in that accident?”

  “I was the cause of it,” Brian said.

  “No… “Rhonda started to say, but the pastor shook his head. She closed her mouth.

  “You must see that whether or not you were responsible for that accident is not what is important. What happens now is what matters.”

  Brian stared at him, but said nothing.

  “Rhonda has already forgiven you. Now, you have to forgive yourself, and then ask God for forgiveness.”

  Brian looked away at the word God.

  The pastor audibly took a deep breath. “We just spent the last three hours casting a demon out of your body.”

  “The beast,” Brian said matter-of-factly.

  “You believe me?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, you believe in the devil, but do you believe in God?”

  “He allowed this to happen.”

  The pastor glanced at Rhonda and motioned for her to continue praying.

  Rhonda grabbed the hands of those around her and bowed her head.

  “Brian, God helped your wife get through this. She lost her baby, and then her husband. It’s God Who took care of your wife during those horrific times. Jesus cares about you, too. He wants so desperately to come into your heart. But first you have to admit your sin and ask Him to forgive you.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  Rhonda spoke up. “I know you can.”

  Brian faced her.

  She crossed to him and took his hand in hers. “You’re alive and now we have a second chance.”

  A tear flowed from the corner of Brian’s eye.

  Rhonda squatted by the bed and lightly pressed her cheek against his. “It doesn’t matter what we’ve done. Christ died for those sins. We have a chance because God loves us.”

  Brian closed his eyes. “It’s so hard.”

  “Of course it is. Someone wants you to miss this opportunity, but I pray you won’t. I love you. Jesus loves you. I want you to know what I know.”

  “But my guilt… “

  Ray walked to the edge of the bed. “I watched the tapes from your office. Often you mentioned King David. You mentioned that he murdered to cover his guilt. But there is more to that story. The beauty of David’s life is that God was willing to forgive him despite what he’d done. He even called David a man after his own heart.” Ray smiled. “God doesn’t hold grudges.”

  “That’s right,” the pastor added. “God throws all our transgressions into the sea of forgetfulness. You have the chance at true freedom.”

  The pastor wasn’t saying anything Brian didn’t know already. He had known for years that he should take this step. So, why was it so hard? It was funny that he had no problem making choices that practically destroyed his life, but when it came to making a commitment to Jesus, it was like swimming through mud. But he was exhausted and done running. His voice cracked, as he said, “OK.”

  The pastor leaned forward. “The first step, Brian, is to acknowledge that you’re a sinner.”

  “That won’t be hard.”

  Pastor smiled. “Next you have to believe in your heart that Jesus, God’s Son, died for your sins and that He alone has the power to redeem you.”

  “I think I’ve always believed that. I just didn’t want to accept it.”

  The pastor nodded. “Great. And lastly, you just need to ask Him into your heart.”

  Rhonda reached out and took his hand in hers. “I’m here.”

  “Just pray from your heart,” James said and motioned for Rhonda to take his chair.

  Rhonda sat down and squeezed Brian’s hand.

  “Do I have to pray out loud?” he asked, glancing around at each person in the room.

  The pastor shook his head. “Only if you want to. God can hear you either way.”

  Brian closed his eyes. So much emotion poured over him. Broken and lost, he felt the need for God more than ever before. He spoke barely a whisper, “God, you see me. I’m a mess. But I can’t do this anymore. Please come into my life. Forgive me of all of this. Starting with the pain I caused my family. Jesus, be my Savior from here on out. Amen.”

  As he raised his head, a huge grin crossed his wife’s face.

  “Amen,” she repeated.

  He kissed her hard, his body convulsed with tears of joy.

  She hugged him back.

  Peace enveloped him for the first time—he was happier than he could ever remember.

  33

  Danielle dragged her tired body outside the hospital, down the two-dozen steps, and to her car. All she wanted to do was sleep. What she’d just experienced was frightening, exhilarating, and completely exhausting.

  “Leaving so soon?” Ray asked behind her.

  With a hint of a smile, she flipped around and nodded.

  “Not even saying goodbye.”

  She leaned against the front of her car and sighed. “You looked preoccupied. I didn’t want to bug you.”

  “You could never bug me.” He smiled, his entire countenance lit up. Never had he looked so attractive. Which was weird, since his hair was a mess and his eyes were bloodshot and tired.

  “Really? That’s not the signal you send me often.”

  He frowned. “I suppose that’s fair.”

  Though she wanted to fix this with him, now didn’t seem the appropriate time. She could barely keep her eyes open. “I need to get home and rest.”

  “May I drive you?”

  She waved to her car. “Why? I’m right here.”

  “Because, honestly, I want to.”

  Man this guy is weird. She let out an exaggerated sigh and smiled. “Fine. But how will I get my car again?”

  “I’ll bring you back in the morning after I pick you up for breakfast.” He winked.

  “Breakfast? I see.” She stepped back and followed him to his car. “You do realize that we have work in the morning.”

  He held up a finger. “Ah, but here’s the coolest part. We work at the same place.”

  “Yes, though I’m not sure how breakfast fits into all that.”

  He opened the car door for her, and then walked around to the driver’s side. He turned on the engine and pulled out. “So, the drama is over.”

  Danielle’s heart leapt. What did that mean? “The drama?”

  “With Brian.”

  “You think so?”

  Ray slowed at a yellow light. “I do.”

  “And?”

  “And, I just thought—” He drove forward and turned onto the freeway.

  “Yes?” Just say it! You’re killing me.

  “That I fear we won’t see each other as much.”

  “Oh.” Danielle turned her head to stare out the passenger window. She had her answer. It was over.

  Rhonda had it all wrong. It wasn’t Brian who kept Ray from committing, Ray just didn’t want Danielle. Now that his excuse was gone, he knew he had to be honest.

  She leaned her head against the glass and shut her eyes.

  After a quiet drive, Ray drove in front of her apartment.

  “Thanks.” She got out and slammed the door closed.

  Ray quickly got out, too.

  Danielle turned and walked backwards. “You don’t need to walk me in. You should get home and sleep.”

  “My mother would kill me if I didn’t walk you to your door.”

  “Fine.” She sighed.

  They walked down the sidewalk, into the hall that led to her complex. When they reached her door, she pulled out her key and moved to unlock t
he door.

  Ray caught her hand. His warm skin sent goose bumps up her arm. She was too tired to resist, to fight the feelings that threatened to take over.

  “I meant it,” he whispered.

  “What’s that?”

  His eyes gazed into hers, less than an inch away. “That when the drama was over, I wanted you in my life.”

  Once again, Danielle felt disarmed. Her heart dropped into her stomach. “But in the car you said you’d see less of me. I don’t understand you at all.” She stepped back. “One minute you seem to be interested, the next you’re…aah!” She flipped around, stuck her keys in the knob and turned.

  Ray tugged her wrist, spun her back to him, and kissed her. Soft and inviting. His lips parted hers. After a moment, he pulled back and looked at her. “I mean it, Danielle. I want you in my life.”

  She blinked. “But why have you pushed me off?”

  He brushed his lips against hers again. “Because if I’m in a relationship, I don’t want anything to distract me. I couldn’t give you my full attention with all I had to do with Brian.”

  She stared, unsure if he meant it. Would he turn back into Mr. Hyde?

  “Say something,” he said.

  “I’m scared.”

  He stepped back and frowned. “Of me?”

  “Of you changing your mind again.”

  He closed his eyes, pressed his lips together, and then opened his eyes. “I have liked you from the second we met. That has never changed.”

  Her eyes welled with tears.

  “I kept pushing you away, because I knew it wasn’t the right time. But my heart said differently. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.” Ray tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I mean it. I don’t ever want you out of my life again.”

  He touched his lips to hers again and her heart soared.

  ****

  James entered the doorway of Room 266 just as Brian snapped his suitcase closed.

  “So, you’ve heard the good news and are out of here?” James asked.

  “Yes, Nate told me to pack an hour ago.”

  “Are you ready?”

  Brian wasn’t sure how to answer. Ready? He’d been outside reality for months. In the hospital, he didn’t have to face it. “I think I’m a bit scared.”

  James nodded and walked next to him. “It’s perfectly normal for patients to be apprehensive after a long stay. Can I help you carry anything?”

  “No, I think I can manage.”

  “When is your wife getting here?”

  Brian grabbed his bags and followed the doctor into the hallway. “She should already be here.”

  “Well then, let’s not keep her.” James smiled. “Number one rule for all men to remember. Never keep a beautiful woman waiting for you.”

  Brian returned his smile. He could see why Ray had sent him here.

  They walked down the corridor and stood back, while James unlocked the doors. When they reached the reception station, Brian gulped a few chestfuls of air. “Here goes nothing.”

  “No, Dr. Manifold. Here goes life.” James swung the door open.

  Rhonda sat in the lobby. Her head shot up and a smile enveloped her face. She rushed to him, arms opened wide.

  Brian grabbed her and held her tight. She put her lips to his, and he drank in her strawberry scent. Oh, how he’d missed her.

  “Good-bye, Brian,” James said. “Take care of yourself.”

  Brian peeked over Rhonda’s shoulder. “Thank you, Dr. Coulson, for everything.”

  “My pleasure. Now get out of here before I have to explain rule number two.” He smiled and shut the door with a loud bang.

  Brian laughed.

  “What did he mean by that?” Rhonda asked.

  He shook his head. “Nothing.”

  “Well, I agree,” Rhonda said. “Let’s go home.”

  Epilogue

  About Ten Months Later

  “Good morning sunshine,” Brian heard his wife say beyond the covers. He groaned and pulled the sheet to his nose. “What time is it?”

  “Seven,” she said. “Ray will be here soon.”

  He stretched his arm to encompass her head. “After today, I’ll be able to apply for work.”

  “Are they really going to let you practice again?”

  Brian kissed her temple. “I will have to be supervised for five years, but thanks to Ray and Floyd, I can help others again.”

  “Well, then you better get up. You don’t want to miss that meeting with Ray.” She nuzzled his neck.

  “Keep doing that and I’m not going anywhere,” Brian smiled.

  She laughed. “OK, I’ll get up so you can, too.”

  Brian rolled to his side. “Would you mind making some coffee? I need something to wake me up this morning.”

  “Not at all. Just get in the shower.” She playfully pushed him out of bed.

  “All right. I’m going.” He kissed her nose and climbed out of bed.

  Rhonda grabbed her robe and headed for the kitchen.

  Brian walked into the bathroom and smiled. His heart soared. Staring at his reflection, he felt a ridiculous amount of peace for all that they had endured. But the truth was, they were blessed.

  ****

  Ray pulled into the Manifold driveway and glanced at his new bride.

  Danielle glowed.

  “Have I told you how much I love you?”

  “In the last hour, no.”

  He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Well, I do. With all my heart.”

  She giggled. “The feeling is mutual. Now you better go grab Brian, or we’re all going to be late.”

  “Fine.” He kissed her hand one more time, and then got out of the car.

  The front door lay ajar. Ray stepped to the entrance and found Rhonda hugging the wall. “Are you OK?”

  “Brian?” Rhonda yelled.

  “What, dear?” Brian said from the kitchen.

  “It’s time!” she yelled back.

  Ray’s heart accelerated. He glanced back at the car.

  Danielle smiled and motioned with her wrist that they were late. If only she knew.

  He laughed.

  Brian appeared in the hall. “I’m sorry, honey, what did you say? Time for what?”

  “My water just broke,” she said, joining him in the hall.

  “Oh!”

  “Hi,” Ray said.

  Brian glanced at Ray. “Oh, my ride.”

  Rhonda winced. “No, that’s our ride. Let’s go.”

  They hurried out the front door.

  “Ray, you have impeccable timing,” Brian said, helping his wife down the steps. “Would you mind chauffeuring my wife and me to the hospital? The baby’s coming.”

  Ray laughed. “I’d love to. I wouldn’t trust you to drive, anyway.” He smiled at Rhonda and winked. “What do you think, Rhonda?”

  “Onward,” she said pointing out the door.

  Ray and Rhonda laughed.

  Brian playfully rolled his eyes.

  Danielle got out and joined Rhonda in the backseat. Together, they worked through some sort of breathing exercises.

  Despite his confidence, Ray drove like a maniac. He drove over a curb, ran two stoplights, and went at least twenty miles over the speed limit in street traffic.

  “You’d think you were having the baby,” Brian teased.

  “It’s like my sister is giving birth, OK?”

  “You do know that uncles have to change poopy diapers,” Brian joked, just as Ray sped through a fading yellow light.

  Ray laughed. “We’ll see.”

  When they pulled into the maternity wing, Rhonda’s contractions were already five minutes apart. “Hurry or we’re going to have this baby in the car,” she moaned.

  Ray peered at her in the review mirror.

  She struggled to breathe through the pain.

  He pulled into the emergency lane.

  Brian and Danielle jumped out.

  Danielle
ran inside and returned a moment later with a wheelchair.

  They helped Rhonda in and then rolled her toward the entrance.

  “I’ll meet you inside,” Ray yelled.

  Brian waved over his shoulder and disappeared.

  ****

  “Excuse me,” Brian said to the woman behind the front desk. “My wife is in labor.”

  The woman nodded and typed a few strokes on her keyboard. “Is she registered?”

  Brian looked at Rhonda.

  Rhonda nodded emphatically.

  “Yes.”

  “Name?”

  “Rhonda Manifold.”

  The woman typed a few more keys, and then said, “Yes, here she is. OK, just follow me.”

  “I’m going to wait for Ray,” Danielle said.

  “OK,” Brian said.

  The nurse directed them to a curtain at the far end of the lobby. She pulled a gown out of a drawer and handed it to Brian. “Have her change into this gown. Everything off. Someone will be with her in a moment.” The nurse nodded and went back to the front desk.

  Brian faced his wife.

  Rhonda glowed.

  He helped her into the white and blue-specked gown.

  “I wonder if this is supposed to be in the front or the back.” Rhonda asked, as she examined the opening in the gown.

  “Back. You’re going to want your epidural,” Brian said.

  Rhonda winked.

  Brian helped her lay down in bed, and then kissed her forehead.

  The doctor entered through the curtain and shook Brian’s hand. “Dr. Manifold. I’ve read some of your research. Very intriguing.” Then he turned to Rhonda. “Hello, Rhonda. Are you ready to have this baby?”

  “Yes, doctor.”

  “Great. Let me just see if your baby is as ready as you are.” The doctor adjusted the sheet so he could examine her. He clicked his tongue on the top his mouth. “Wow!”

  “What is it?” Rhonda asked.

  “I think you’re ready to push.”

  “No,” Rhonda said, “I haven’t had my epidural yet.”

  The doctor laughed. “My dear, you’re not going to need one. This baby will be out in no time. You’re dilated to ten, fully effaced and the head is already crowning.” The doctor pulled back the curtain and waved to the desk nurse.