Whispers of the Heart

by Stephanie Wilson

  But, the niggling sensation wouldn’t go away. It was persistent in its determination to be reckoned with. Slowly at first, as if carving a straight path to her brain; releasing her from the passionate euphoria, successfully bringing her consciousness back to present. She knew. She hated it, but she knew. It demanded immediate attention. This passion she was feeling, as earth-shattering as it was, must be saved. The promise. She remembered. The promise must be kept. And it was that urgent cry from the depth of her soul that finally won the battle.

  Although never breaking contact with T.J.’s hungry mouth, Erika eased her hands from around his neck to gently cup the sides of his face, feeling every chiseled feature, lingering finally at his cleft chin and she demanded her breathing come under control.

  The subtlety of her touch wasn’t lost on T.J. As in tune as a fine horse directed by his owner’s knee pressure, so was T.J. to the slight touch from his beloved. The intensity of his passion lessened slightly. Not wishing for him to sense a complete withdrawal and knowing that she was as much to blame for their predicament as was he, Erika continued to slowly move her hands downward until they met his sculpted chest.

  T.J.’s kisses continued until she ever so slightly pressed gently on his chest. Slowly ... he kissed first one closed eye ... and then another. Finally, he stopped and buried his head in the crook of her neck, breathing deeply, memorizing her scent.

  He knew, of course, why she had withdrawn. They were coming precariously near some kind of line. A line he determined not to cross. She had too deeply embedded herself into his life. T.J. could only guess when it first happened, couldn’t put a finger on the moment his world had been turned upside down, only knowing it began that fated day at the airport. He respected her immensely for her ability to graciously end their passion. And it was her character that demanded his respect for her refreshing uniqueness.

  T.J. didn’t know how much longer he could continue his dishonesty with Erika. The lie he was living in front of her, the lie of his identity. She thought of him as a common, penniless man who lived like a hermit nestled in the wilderness of the North Idaho mountains. Yet, it didn’t seem to matter to her. That she cared for him was evident in her tender kisses. All his beliefs about women were shattered in the presence of one who had come to mean so much to him.

  But what of Erika’s lie. T.J. knew so little about her, really. He knew her heart and her thoughts, but of her life ... he knew little. Obviously, she had been well-educated, as was he. But of her family, he knew nothing. Family was the most important thing to T.J.

  He wondered if she had one. T.J. had grown up in a community of friends where blood lineage was paramount. Family wasn’t even questioned. All his associates were family friends, linked through the generations by commerce and intermarriage. It was odd to wonder about another’s family. Though she was well groomed and tasteful in her dress, he didn’t think she had ever been exposed to wealth of any significant means. She was too unspoiled. His acquaintances took their wealth for granted. Entitled.

  As T.J. stared intently into Erika’s eyes, he wondered once again about her secrets. Though he knew her to have flawless character ... still those secrets. Should he wait to declare his love until he knew them ... or until she trusted him enough to reveal them. It was a daunting question. Timing was everything, he knew. Some of his most challenging business deals were won through his innate sense of timing. For some reason ... intuition was telling him to wait ... to listen. He wondered again how she would take his dishonesty. He prayed it wouldn’t irrevocably change their relationship.

  Erika was beginning to wiggle beneath him. T.J. raised his head to look longingly into her smoky eyes. There was little need for words. Her eyes were locked with his. They were joined once again in a moment that silenced human words. Time ceased to exist. It was just Erika and T.J., or Tim and Marie, as each other knew them.

  “Marie,” T.J. began huskily.

  “No, Tim, let me go first,” she insisted, unknowingly quieting his moment of truth and proclamation.

  “I know that the road I led us down just now was wrong. At first I was surprised by your kiss and then ... well, ... I just couldn’t think anymore.”

  “Marie, you don’t need to explain. I understand more than you think,” T.J. whispered.

  “No, Tim, I must finish this. You see, something could have happened.”

  “Of course something could have happened, we were well on our way.”

  “I know, although I must admit to you that I have never been that close in my whole life.”

  At T.J.’s confused look and then dawning understanding, she quickly went on. “You see, I have made a promise,” she said uncomfortably.

  “A promise?” T.J. questioned somewhat alarmed.

  “Yes. A promise that I hold very dear.”

  T.J. quickly lifted himself off her body rising to his knees and finally to his feet. Immediately embarrassed by his towering height over her prone body, Erika quickly followed his lead.

  “Does this ... promise ... involve someone else,” he quietly demanded.

  “Well, in a way it does,” she tried to explain.

  “Oh, isn’t this wonderful timing. I suppose you are going to tell me that you are married, or engaged, or something,” he almost yelled in frustration. “Of course, you couldn’t reveal that little secret until after we had shared ... that!”

  “No, its nothing like that. I’m not married, or engaged,” she said and then wanting to be completely honest added, “Well, I was almost ... married ...”

  “Oh, I get the scenario,” T.J. said menacing, “You two are fighting, he doesn’t do what you want him to do ... and so ... you decide to take a trip to some godforsaken place. Make him worry a little. Make him think he’s lost you. This, of course, will make him desperate enough to grant any request you might have. Then ... and only then, of course, will you accept his apology and go merrily on your way. I am, in fact, the pawn in your little game. So, if it doesn’t turn out exactly as Marie wants it to, she can throw old Tim into the mix, the jealously factor, and bingo, Marie gets what she wants. Isn’t that the scenario, Marie?” he questioned sarcastically.

  “No,” she almost yelled, “You are all wrong,” Erika demanded as tears brimmed in the corners of her now brilliant eyes. His words had killed a part of her. The closeness they had shared made her ashamed. His words made her feel like a cheap tramp. Like the distasteful actions of some women she had known at the Country Club. Never had someone accused her of the same. And then suddenly she realized how very little she knew T.J. How very little he knew her. Slowly, purposefully she backed away, trying to distance herself from his crushing words, his accusatory eyes, his anger. She must get away from him before he could crush her further. That he could even think of her in that way damaged the softest part of her soul.

  Without even stopping to listen, T.J. began to fold the quilt that was still warm from the heat of their embrace. Anger tore at his core. The thought of another man kissing Marie the way he had done was overwhelming. It inspired a rage that boiled inside his heart, fanning the flames of his anger, giving no room for reason or explanation.

  With little care or thought he stuffed the antique Delph china into Maime’s picnic basket, threw the uneaten food on top of their dirty china, breaking a goblet in his haste.

  Desperation overwhelmed her senses. It was like watching a piece of fiction float before one’s eyes. Hoping against hope that it wasn’t true. So stunned by his reaction to her, Erika kept silent while he angrily packed their belongings. But as he turned away from her to head toward the trail, her heart cried for his understanding.

  Grabbing his arm, Erika pleaded, “Are you so pigheaded that you won’t even let me explain my promise,” she yelled. Stony silence followed. Iciness had replaced the warmth in his eyes. She had never seen blue that cold before. He was unreachable. It was useless. Then dropping his arm as if on fire, she backed away from him, deeply hurt as his cynical eyes bored into
her soul.

  “And that is,” he finally quipped.

  Erika tilted her chin, trying unsuccessfully to hide her tear-filled eyes that were growing more vulnerable by the minute. “My promise was made to myself and to my mother,” she whispered. “When I was a little girl, before my mom died, I promised her that I would never make love to a man until he loved me and cherished me enough to make me his wife. Until a few minutes ago, that promise was easy to keep,” she continued. “Fortunately, that little problem will never resurface because after today, I doubt I will ever lay eyes on you again.”

  The world fell away as bile rose in T.J.’s throat over the way he had treated Marie. Regret, recrimination, disbelief couldn’t even begin to salve his conscience over his actions. Stunned, he stood very still, desperately trying to evoke even modest composure.

  “I … I don’t know what to say … I am so…. so, sorry…”

  “Don’t … don’t even go there,” she spat through clenched teeth. Desperately trying to gulp a calming breath she continued, “For you to have spent so much time with me, yet think me …capable of such despicable behavior tells me that you don’t know me at all. You have no regard for women in general. And furthermore, I can’t believe … I can’t even believe that I thought you were more than that. How insane can one be?”

  Erika then turned and walked back over the meadow and along the trail from which they came. T.J. felt as if his very breath had been stolen, deservedly so. Never had he behaved in such a crass way toward a woman. He had been raised differently. He knew his own mother would be ashamed of his actions. He tried to rationalize that his feelings were so strong for Erika that the mere thought of her with another man drove him over the edge of sanity.

  T.J. roughly ran his hands through his thick black curls. Why couldn’t women be just like men and say what they mean .... when they mean it? So much could have been avoided. T.J. halted and dropped the basket and quilt to the earth below and covered his face. What was happening to him, he questioned? It hadn’t been her fault when he jumped to the wrong conclusions, he admonished himself. She was just as naive and wonderful as he knew her to be. How he could have treated so terribly, he didn’t know. He had never had these feelings before. Never … never before had he the slightest feelings of jealousy. He didn’t like it at all, and he detested the behavior he had shown to her. But one thing he did know, he would make it up to her.

  Suddenly T.J. could breathe again. There was hope. A shred, he reminded himself, but definitely a possibility. He must make her understand. Never again would he treat her in disregard. She was far too precious for that.

  Marie Bancroft was perfection for him. Never could he know how long that road to happiness would be because of his words and actions.

  After a quick jog down the trail, T.J. noticed their picture-perfect day had begun to wane. Clouds had quickly descended over the mountains and the wind had picked up. No longer was it unseasonably warm. It was quite cool. In fact, it was downright cold. The wind was frigid and biting. T.J. picked up his pace, knowing that Marie was wearing only those cute little white shorts, college sweatshirt and flip flops. He knew a moment of warmth as he looked forward to upcoming battles over proper wardrobes and attire for their hiking excursions into the mountains. Fortunately, money wasn’t an option. No longer would Erika have to concern herself with that. Once they were married, Erika would be able to buy anything she needed. Including warm clothing, he reminded himself.

  T.J. finally rounded the last corner of the winding trail, which opened onto the meadow. Mentally, his battle had been won, the apology made and their new life together had already taken shape. In fact, T.J. wasn’t even alarmed when Erika wasn’t obediently standing in the clearing waiting for him. It wasn’t until he got onto the main trail and found it empty that he began to know a moment of concern.

  T.J. jogged a mile or so forward and when unsuccessful, jogged a mile or so in reverse. When the trail proved empty his concern turned fearful. Knowing Erika’s innate ability to stray from the designated trail distracted by foliage and wild flowers, he immediately scanned the area with his high-powered binoculars. Searching for any sign … broken twigs … trampled underbrush.

  “Marie,” he screamed every few seconds. All he could hear was his own echo.

  Nothing. Erika was nowhere to be found. T.J. had thought the route between the meadow and the main trail fairly direct. After walking the distance five times, covering every inch in-between, he concluded that it was not. In fact, he berated himself after realizing there were several trails she could have taken. In the state she was in and her unfamiliarity with the trail, she could have easily been confused. Hundred foot trees surrounded all the trails. He supposed it all looked the same and knew it could confuse even a trained outfitter’s sense of direction.

  A mundane sunset had briefly ignited the sky as twilight descended from the canopy of evergreens above. The clouds were growing thick. T.J. knew the weather was going to be a problem. His heartbeat grew wild as he imagined Erika lost in these woods with the animals she so feared. Deliberate action was essential. Time was precious. Snow was on its way and the inky blackness of night was making it nearly impossible to search without proper equipment. T.J. also needed a team of people who could search the area. He knew these woods intimately. He needed at least three more of himself to conduct a comprehensive search.

  Chapter Fourteen

  T.J. ran the seven miles back to the Lodge. “Papa,” T.J. yelled as he approached the Marina. Instantly alert, Papa knew there was trouble. Could hear it in his cry. Intuitively, he knew it would be a long night. He grabbed an oily cloth and wiped his weathered old hands expertly and then threw the rag down alongside the dock where he had been working before the sun sent its last ray of light over the Selkirk. Tim was the son he’d never had. He would give T.J. his very life if needed, so great was his love.

  “She’s lost,” he blurted without preamble. “We were up at Kaniksu Cliff … we argued and I let her make her own way down the trail. That was over four hours ago. I’ve searched the entire area and can’t find her. It’s getting dark and I’m afraid it’s going to snow.”

  “Yea, those clouds over there are a might threatening. Cold too.” It was unnecessary for further words. Papa wasn’t surprised to hear of T.J. intended destination. Shaking his head, he could only imagine what they had fought over. T.J. must have declared himself. “It was too soon ... too soon,” he grumbled as he led the way back to the cottage.

  “Have Maime call Sam Wyatt, Leonard Scott and ol’ man Benning. Harry’s still here, too. Fact is ... here he comes now. Have ‘em meet us at the east side of the meadow near the ol’ stump. They’ll know the one. I’ve got the equipment. You go change ... Yes son,” he quietly interrupted at T.J.’s immediate refusal. “You won’t last long if you don’t have on woollies ... and be sure to pack some extra blankets for her... She dressed like you?” Papa questioned.

  “Worse. Shorts and sandals.”

  “Women ...,” he angrily muttered as he shuffled up to the cottage.

  One hour later, all had gathered by the old stump. A plan had been formed. It was now very dark and the threatened snow had arrived. The first snow of the season. The crew had brought blankets, lanterns and more men. Each knew the precariousness of the situation. Each knew that the girl’s very life depended upon their knowledge of the woods and their respect of its inhabitants. The resolve of the team was unquestioned. One look into T.J.’s desperate eyes was all the asking these men needed.

  Erika walked down yet another trail that had no ending. The fast-approaching twilight made heretofore benign objects into fearful shapes in the woods. It was beginning to be very cold. The shiver that ran down her body was not only due to the dropping temperature but also to the sure and complete knowledge that she was irreparably lost. It had seemed so simple when she had left T.J. The trail had seemed so direct when she had walked it with Tim. However, in hindsight, she realized her lack of atte
ntion as they were climbing. She had only reveled in their companionship, paying little attention to where they were going.

  She swallowed, trying desperately to rid herself of the panic now threatening to overwhelm her. Panic clenched at her heart, making it terribly difficult to breathe. The shivers were growing worse. Yet there she stood. In the middle of a trail where absolutely nothing looked even remotely familiar.

  Her lips trembled as she wrapped her arms around her middle, trying unsuccessfully to spread some warmth and calmness to her racing heart. Her heartbeats were growing more and more distinct, the pace was picking up. She even felt it near her temples. Absently, Erika wondered if heart attacks felt like that.

  Taking a deep breath, Erika began voicing her predicament. It was somewhat calming just to hear a human voice, even if it was her own.

  “Okay, Erika. Enough is enough,” she said while straightening her body and shaking wayward strands of hair from her eyes. “The only way you are going to survive this thing is to think. There is a way out of this. Your uncle is always telling you what a great thinker you are. So ... this is sort of like a test. Yes,” she said feeling somewhat encouraged, “a test. Exactly like in school. I’ve always done well on tests .... except .... when I wasn’t prepared,” she whispered as fear once again began to snake across her heart.

  “But, I am prepared,” she stated confidently. “That class ... that survival class I took! Now, think! I’m sure there is something you can remember,” she prodded herself.

  As Erika fruitlessly searched the dusty trail, hoping for some sign of remembrance, she noticed how dark it had grown in the space of just a few minutes. Looking quickly toward the sky, she realized some rather dark clouds had settled in. She couldn’t tell how thick they were because of the fading light and the dense branches overhead. Time was running out. She no longer had any more time to think ... she must act.