The Sinner 01 The Sinner

by K. Trap Jones

  Involving my feelings and approach people.

  As I shared my thoughts,

  I could tell by observing their eyes and mannerisms

  That they were not listening,

  But the main sign was the length

  Of the pause after I finished my words.

  There would always be a brief pause

  From those who truly listened,

  Which allowed for the words

  To be consumed by their minds.

  Non-listeners always had their own thoughts

  Prompted and ready to unleash

  Even before I had finished.

  With no pause and no real consumption of my words,

  They told their story,

  Which was always more drastic and lengthy

  Than the original.

  It was as if they never heard any of my thoughts.

  How could they have

  When they were conjuring their own stories while I spoke?

  A true listener would hear a story from another and

  Offer questions or comments related to what they had just heard.

  An immediate change of story

  To involve one’s self was not a sign of respect.

  I found it easy to set aside my beliefs

  And thoughts in order to listen to another.

  I did not discard their words

  That they so eagerly wanted to share

  In order to tell my own version of the story.

  For that purpose,

  I chose to keep my emotions to myself and

  My comments directed towards anyone who would truly listen.

  Something was unique about Asmodeus.

  She offered me something

  That I had not received

  In a long time and

  That was the art of listening.

  Her eyes did not wander when I spoke.

  Her mannerisms were not agitated with my words and

  She never followed up my thoughts with her own story.

  She allowed for the conversation to flow naturally

  Without embedding twists and turns.

  It was a beautiful art of conversation

  To experience as she always prompted me

  To continue by using questions and comments

  That related to my story.

  I still had hesitation with sharing

  My complete desires with her

  So I only offered her basic dialogue.

  At first, I only replied to her original comment

  By saying that my fair maiden was indeed beautiful.

  She prompted me for more

  By asking me why I thought she was beautiful.

  In a glazed over state as I watched

  My queen walk from the palace gates,

  I answered Asmodeus that I believed that she was

  The essence of beauty and everything

  That I imagined the heavens would be.

  My new friend offered me only a smile

  As acknowledgment of her listening.

  I was a bit overwhelmed

  With relinquishing a small portion of my secret

  To someone that I barely knew,

  But Asmodeus made it very easy to confide in her.

  She knew my every belief and frustration with the common man.

  It was somewhat nice to have

  A productive conversation with someone

  Other than my own mind.

  She thanked me for the delightful discussion,

  However, it was me who should have thanked her.

  I continued to work throughout the day and

  Only stopped briefly to watch

  My maiden return to the palace

  After a day of chores in the city.

  I often thought about following her

  On one of her day trips to discover

  What it was that she did in the city,

  But my work did not allow it.

  I did not want to possibly ruin my safe ritual

  By venturing too close.

  The guards that escorted her

  Would make sure that neither I

  Nor anyone else would get near her.

  She was a dream, a fantasy.

  One that I knew would never come true, however

  My desire was still strong and I held tightly to it.

  I chose not to realize that my outcome

  Would not match reality.

  That would be very depressing and

  Would gift me no contentment

  Within the present.

  Instead, I protected the idea of

  What could be instead of what would be.

  It was less complicated that way and less stressful.

  It allowed me to function in my daily life and

  Actually presented me with an unreasonable goal.

  There was not a moment that passed

  That I did not think about her and

  Envision a life shared with her.

  I admit that occasionally reality would creep upon me and

  Torment my emotions, but it was rare.

  The onslaught usually occurred after

  A harsh day of work

  Or an unsatisfactory meeting with another person.

  My dreams when I slept

  Would always allow me to drift back

  Into my peaceful haven of solitude and

  Provide me with a pleasant encounter with my maiden.

  The next morning I was greeted by Asmodeus

  While I sorted through various fabrics.

  It had been a long time since

  I actually welcomed the sight of another

  The way I did her.

  She was different in my eyes

  Compared to the others.

  I received a sense of acknowledgment that others lacked.

  She was not afraid to listen to me

  Without any selfish acts.

  She did not push me away

  With her demeanor or lessen my words with her own.

  She simply offered me understanding,

  It was a rare relic to find within a city

  Where so many were eager to please themselves.

  As she sat down, I could tell that her age

  Was bothersome to her,

  She sighed upon leaning back.

  Her smile was pleasant and warm

  Without any misconceiving notions or plans.

  She prompted me to speak

  By asking me how my lady was.

  The ability to be open about my desires made me smile.

  I eagerly wanted to tell her about my dreams

  During the previous night,

  But I sheltered my excitement for the time being

  And replied that I believed that she was doing well.

  Asmodeus was able to decipher my demeanor.

  She was the same as me

  With the ability to acknowledge one’s hesitation and

  Translate it into stubbornness.

  There was an uncomfortable pause of silence

  As each of our powerful minds resisted the other.

  She wanted me to release my emotions.

  I believed that she was truly requesting it, but

  I was not ready for full disclosure regarding my inner self.

  She probably was just offering conversation

  Since we had nothing else in common,

  She predictably asked about my desire as

  It was the only trait she knew about me.

  Regardless of her intentions,

  I was put into a situation where I felt uncomfortable.

  Being open was not my strong suit.

  Being around someone who wished to talk

  About it was not something I was accustomed to.

  She knew I was uneasy

  About her prying into my chest.

  It felt as though she was pulling apart

  My rib cage in order to attack my heart.

  Sear
ching around for any lingering emotion.

  My thick exterior armor shielded my thoughts

  From portraying any rude gestures,

  Plus I believed that she meant well in her questioning.

  Instead of digging more on the subject

  She opted to change the topic to the weather.

  We talked about the mediocre theme

  For a small amount of time.

  I felt bad by sheltering myself

  From her original question and

  Possibly signaling to her a threatening tone,

  So I voluntarily established the topic again.

  Her smile let me know that her fake

  Weather conversation was as much

  Enjoyable to her as it was to me.

  As I spoke about my secret,

  I felt unburdened by it

  As opposed to keeping it trapped within me.

  Asmodeus and I met frequently

  Over the next few days.

  With each conversation I revealed more

  Of my darkest desires.

  She never interrupted me;

  Never changed the conversation.

  She was as infatuated with my desire

  As I was with my beloved.

  I even found myself anticipating

  Our discussions when she was not around.

  On one day while Asmodeus and I were conversing,

  I unintentionally missed an encounter

  With my lady as she left the palace

  For the day in the early morning.

  I leaped up from sitting down and rushed outside,

  But she was already gone.

  I was angry with myself for being preoccupied

  And felt betrayed by Asmodeus

  Since she was the one that had stolen my consistency.

  My friend tried to calm me

  But my anger blocked any such

  Invasion of comfort that tried to

  Penetrate my skin of rage.

  It was the first time I had

  Ever not been there for my lady.

  What if something were to happen due to my absence?

  What if the cycle of safety was harmed?

  Visions of her death haunted my thoughts

  Due to my mere selfishness.

  I needed desperately to see her return,

  I knew it would be quite some time before that were to occur.

  I needed to know that she was safe;

  I needed to know at that moment.

  I became flustered in my actions and speech

  So much so that I could not function properly.

  Asmodeus tried again to relax me, but I blamed her for the chaos.

  She went running down the street

  After her attempts to calm me were denied.

  Normally, I would have felt sorrow

  For the rudeness towards my friend,

  But my desires were upset like a river underneath a violent storm.

  The weak minded emotion of pity would not see the light of day.

  The rest of the day was spent angrily working

  While staring at the palace gates.

  Time appeared to slow as her return took forever to arrive.

  Down the street I saw the cluster of palace guards and

  I knew my lady had returned safely.

  My angered immediately subsided and

  Bowed down in submission to the emotion of relief.

  Her return meant that I did not cause her any harm

  By my selfish act.

  I truly thought my life

  Would have ended that day

  If I did not see her enter back

  Through the palace gates.

  I dwelled in my own demise and

  Fed upon the anguish

  That I could have caused.

  It was the deepest trench

  I had ever resided in and

  She graciously pulled me

  From the depths upon her return.

  For that I was thankful, as she was

  Always kind to me in that manner.

  I slept easy that night

  With a conscious of what nightmares

  Would have awaited me

  If the outcome had been different.

  I envisioned the dark pit

  That I would have plummeted into

  If her safety was in jeopardy.

  I imagined God blinding my eyes

  So that I could no longer see her or

  Cleansing my memory

  So that I could no longer imagine her.

  The mere thought chilled my spine and

  Made me appreciate her return even more.

  I vowed and prayed that I would no longer

  Miss an encounter as long as I lived.

  In the morning I found myself

  Back on my regular schedule and

  It was welcomed with honor and respect

  As if I had discovered a long lost treasure.

  I did not want to experience that amount of stress again.

  One element that was left untouched

  Was my friendship with Asmodeus.

  I had not talked or seen her since the argument.

  With me and my lady back on track,

  I began to feel remorse for my actions towards my friend.

  I realized it was not her fault or intention

  To cause me to miss an encounter,

  But my rational judgment was enraptured

  By the situation and she was the only one

  Who I could release my anger upon

  Without relieving my secret.

  As I sat there awaiting my maiden

  To exit the palace gates,

  I could not help but miss my conversations with Asmodeus.

  Part of me wanted her to return

  While another portion wanted to be left alone

  So that I did not have any more distractions.

  If she did give me another chance,

  I would let her know of my timely tradition

  So that she would understand

  If I had to leave in mid-conversation.

  As the days went by

  With no sign of return of my new friend,

  I felt remorse from my anger.

  The sadness I encountered grew to a level

  That I was unaccustomed to.

  It affected my sleeping patterns and

  A few of my small daily rituals.

  I was not used to having a close friend

  That I enjoyed the company of.

  I did not have any practice

  When dealing with the emotions of them either.

  I had since moved beyond my anger

  As time was the essence of my forgiveness,

  I soon realized that others may not follow my procedure.

  The complicated nature of handling

  Disruptive scenarios between parties

  With various outlooks and personalities

  Was enough to turn me away from acquiring new acquaintances.

  Having others close to me became a hassle;

  Unproductive to my overall life.

  The situation with Asmodeus was evident enough, but

  I continued to feel for her as

  She was the only one in a long time

  Who actually listened to me.

  I am not sure as to whether

  I needed her friendship

  Or her listening ability, but

  Something was missing in my life and

  She was involved somehow.

  Maybe I was not prepared to return

  To the idea of talking to myself,

  Especially after conversing with her.

  However, I was not a changed man

  When it came to the general population.

  My beliefs that no one listens was still intact,

  But I allowed only Asmodeus

  Inside my emotional wall and

  It felt comforting while she was there.
<
br />   I did not need her friendship

  Or her personal memories.

  What I needed was her ability

  To sit in front of me

  While I shared my thoughts.

  I needed that smile of acknowledgment;

  That gesture of acceptance that had been missing

  In my life for far too long.

  No one else in the city could provide me with that.

  Even worse, no one would even think of trying.

  Asmodeus had a gift of listening and

  I chased it away with my sudden outburst of rage.

  The heavens must have heard my cries

  As they delivered me a gift in the form of Asmodeus.

  I saw her walking towards me from down the street.

  The way the sun glistened off of her small physique

  Made my sorrow vanish like fog in strong sunlight.

  She approached me and gave only a smile.

  I immediately offered her my apologies and

  Reassured her that she had done nothing wrong.

  That my anger and misconception

  Of my scheduled encounters

  Was the essence of my horrible words.

  I took full responsibility for my actions and

  Realized that I had not shared

  My strict time schedule to her prior.

  Truth was that I was afraid as to how she would see me

  If I told her about my rituals with the palace gates.

  At times I even felt that I

  Was over stepping my boundaries and

  Even viewed myself as a wolf stalking a sheep.

  I believed that it was not a crime to give into one’s desires.

  Why else would God entitle them to us

  If we were meant to bury them?

  I had always kept my desires secret;

  Contained within my mind and heart.

  I never acted upon them

  As I do not believe that I was strong enough

  To act out scenes from my internal play.

  I was content with my desires and

  The level at which they resided.

  The visions of my beloved were enough to satisfy me.

  When the butterflies stopped fluttering

  Within my stomach garden prior to an encounter,