With whom? Who did I want? How could I choose? This was too damn hard!
They were both deserving, both exceptionally worthy choices. The problem here was not either of them . . . It was me!
Dizzy with confusion and frustrated beyond belief, I threw the blanket off my body and flung my legs over the edge of the mattress. Guilt invaded every molecule as I sat there beside a sleeping Bryce and contemplated who I wanted to spend my future with. I needed some air, but before I could get up from the bed and find relief, a large arm snaked around my waist, pulling me back down.
“And where do you think you’re going?” Bryce’s sleepy voice was muffled by the pillow that covered half of his face. His eyes were still closed, his messy hair in dark contrast to the white sheets. He looked good, even half asleep, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise. It was just that my heart hung heavy in my chest as I looked at him, my thoughts in another place, on someone else.
His lids popped open when I succumbed to the weariness and rested my head on the pillow. I offered him a weak smile that could be blamed on lack of sleep and slipped my hands between my cheek and the pillow.
“Morning,” I said.
“Mmmm,” Bryce groaned, stretching beneath the blanket and then scooting closer to drape his arm over my body. “Good morning to you, too.” He leaned over to place a kiss on my cheek and lingered, breathing me in.
Nibbling my ear and causing me to squirm, he whispered, “I could get used to waking up to you in my bed like this, although it would probably make me late for work every day.”
“Oh no!” I stiffened and tried to wriggle out of his embrace. “Are you really late?” Maybe it would be a blessing if he had to hurry.
He pulled me against him and chuckled, burrowing his fingers into my hair. “Relax. I’m not late yet. But for you . . . I’d never leave this bed again.” One hand crept lower and traveled down my spine to land on my bare ass. His morning erection nudged my leg, his heated touch sparking an excitement that almost had the power to quiet my uneasy mind.
While I was tempted to give in and ignore everything that troubled me until it simply disappeared, it wouldn’t be fair. Not moments ago, I was imagining the sensation of Sam’s hands on my body and now Bryce was touching me.
I tried again to break free, masking my apprehension with a joke. “Do you plan on holding me captive?”
“Can I? Can I keep you all to myself?” I felt his cock spring to attention against my leg. He rubbed it up my thigh, teasing me.
I wanted to open my legs for him again, allow him to take me, to claim me for himself like he had last night, but the buzz from the wine had long since worn off and my judgment was clearer. I had no idea whom I belonged to. I had no idea whom I wanted.
Forging a carefree smile, I caressed his cheek and gazed into his eyes. I prayed he couldn’t sense anything. I wasn’t sure how I’d react if he called me out. I might break, or be forced to lie, or . . . I had to get out of here before all of this went to shit.
“While I’d love to stay here all day, you have work and I need to see my mother. It’s my only day off this week and I have some errands to run before I go to the hospital.”
“But I was going to make you breakfast,” he murmured into my ear. The hand that had been stroking my ass was now inching around my thigh. His fingers splayed across my sensitive skin and crawled between my legs. “I can’t let you leave . . . hungry.”
At hungry a finger plunged inside of me, causing me to gasp. “Bryce!”
“Stay, beautiful. Just . . . a little . . . while . . . longer.” He added another finger and pumped faster.
“I-I c-can’t,” I stuttered. It was too much. I was weak beneath his touch and I wasn’t so sure I liked it. I mean, of course I liked it. A few more thrusts and I’d be coming for him again, but my head . . . my thoughts . . . my heart . . . nothing was clear.
“You can.” His thumb circled my clit and then flicked it, almost painfully. “And you will.”
“Oh, God!” There was no fighting it. I melted into the mattress and my body succumbed to the allure of his skillfully hypnotic fingers.
Within seconds, sweet agony shook through me like a tidal wave and my pulse drowned out the noise inside my head. When I finally unclenched my eyes, Bryce was admiring me with a satisfied grin. The way he looked with his messy hair and fresh morning glow were reminiscent of those visions I’d conjured while he was still asleep—the ones of my future. With Bryce. Full of lust, and pleasure, and gorging each other to the point of silly bliss.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, climbing on top of me and cradling my face in his hands.
If you only knew. I was thinking so many things. Too many things. But truth be told, his touch was what I needed to calm the agitated state of my brain. Just what the doctor ordered.
“I’m thinking you’re pretty devious.”
“Devious?” He traced a finger along my jaw.
“Yes. You don’t play fair. I tried to leave and you did that . . . that magic of yours to get me to stay.”
“Magic?” He laughed. “I’m definitely not a magician. But you’re right. I did get you to stay.” He bent to kiss my lips and met my eyes again with an auspicious regard. “What’ll it take to keep you here for good? Like all the time?”
For good? What was he talking about? My limbs tensed, every nerve ending reacting with an internal crackling sensation.
He must’ve sensed my confusion because he rolled off of me and ran his hands through his hair, sweeping it from his forehead. “I’m sorry. That just kind of slipped out.”
I sat up and pulled the blanket over my legs, resting my head against the tufted headboard. I wasn’t sure if I heard right, but usually for good and all the time meant permanent.
Is he suggesting I move in with him?
Bryce’s chest rumbled and then he sat up beside me. Our shoulders touched as he laced our fingers together and rubbed his thumb across the top side of my hand. “London, I know it hasn’t been long, and there’s no rush, but . . .” He paused and rotated to position himself so he was facing me. His gleaming caramel eyes and that beautifully hopeful smile begged for my undivided attention. Tightening his grip on my hand, he said, “I don’t like leaving you alone in that house. I hate coming home to an empty bed, knowing you’re there in an empty bed of your own. I want you here . . . with me. It’s silly to be apart when there’s no reason for us not to be together.”
Would the thunderous racing of my heart give way to the conflict I felt? A conflict so diverse it was jumbled with blood-singeing fear, remorse, happiness, and hope all at the same time.
“What are you saying, Bryce?” I knew what he was saying, but I needed to hear it to be certain.
Chuckling, he took my hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss my knuckles. “I’m saying, maybe we should speed up the inevitable. I’m falling in love with you, London, and I want you to move in with me.”
Sam
LONDON SEEMED FLUSTERED when I finally reached her.
She was rushing me with one word answers, breathless and preoccupied. I couldn’t help wondering if things had already started to change between us now that she knew how I felt. It was a risk I had to take, but I was guilt-ridden for adding more pressure on her when she was already dealing with so much. Even though I didn’t want to, I decided to back off—for now—and focus on what mattered most. Ella’s health.
After a few minutes, I realized London sounded busy because she was at the market picking up a few things for her mother before heading to the hospital. Hearing that, I suggested we meet at her mother’s room. I wanted to tell her the good news in person. I couldn’t wait to see the look on their faces when they learned I was a match.
My lips contorted into a shit-eating grin when London agreed. I was so fucking relieved that she wasn’t avoiding me. Like I told her that night, I couldn’t lose her. Even if she didn’t choose me, I could never let her go. It would hurt like a son of a bitch t
o live the rest of my life loving her from afar, but I was already used to it. How was that for a silver fucking lining?
An hour later, I pressed the elevator button with my elbow, balancing a tray holding three large coffees in one hand and two bags of muffins and bagels in the other. I thought about stopping somewhere for balloons, because what was a celebration without balloons? But the more I thought about it, the more I decided against it.
I wanted to brag to anyone who would listen—I’m giving my girl’s mother a kidney!—but truth was, this was a very scary time for London and Ella. If I showed up with an enormous array of colorful balloons, it would be insensitive.
Muffins and coffee it was. There was nothing inconsiderate about feeding the women I loved.
Stepping out onto the sub-acute rehab floor, I nodded and smiled to the staff. The aroma of the fresh muffins taunted my empty stomach as I made my way down the corridor to Ella’s room. I was ready to rip into the bag when I caught sight of her alone in her bed, watching television. She was glued to it, ignorant to my presence. I tapped lightly on the door and waited for her to spot me before disturbing her peaceful moment.
When her eyes landed on me, her entire face lit up. “Oh! Sam! What a nice surprise!”
I took that as my cue that it was okay to enter, walked in, and then placed everything by the window to give my second favorite Monroe woman a proper greeting.
“Morning, gorgeous,” I cooed, bending down to give her a hug.
“What are you doing here? You didn’t have to go to all this trouble, you know. London’s on her way with some things from the market.”
“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.”
I backed away from her comforting embrace, the severity of everything hitting me like a line-drive to the groin. It was the first time I noticed how gaunt and colorless Ella appeared. Growing up next door, I’d seen her in so many lights over the years. A tired mother driving us to school in frumpy pajamas. A business woman dressed to the nines in a professional suit. A homemaker cooking in a sauce-splattered apron and threadbare slippers. No matter what she wore or where she was going, Ella always looked beautiful.
Today, however, that timeless beauty was masked by frailty and the unflattering backdrop of a dull and depressing hospital room. My heart lurched in my chest with compassion for her suffering but also with the joy of knowing I’d soon be able to help her.
Smiling but trying not to give my excitement away, I plopped into the seat beside her and grabbed the bag of muffins. “Is it okay if I stick around for a while, or did I interrupt your stupid soaps?” I offered her the open bag, she picked one out, and then I grabbed a banana nut for myself.
“They’re not stupid!” She slapped my arm with her free hand and giggled as she handed the bag back. Pointing to the screen, she tried explaining the story line between bites of her blueberry muffin. We sipped our coffee and she went on and on about the tramp sleeping with her teacher and the silver fox who reminded her of Henry. But every aspect of the plot was so outlandish and unrealistic, I couldn’t hide my amusement.
“Okay, you’re right. It’s stupid, but it passes the time.”
I leaned forward to pat her arm for reassurance. “You’ll be out of here before you know it. Cross my heart.”
“Yeah, says you. I wonder if that darling son of mine ever got back to London. I know he’s busy, but this is kind of life or death, you know?”
Oh, Ella. I’m gonna make that all go away. I wanted to tell her but I had to wait for London to get here. “Where the hell is she anyway?” I jumped from the seat and started for the door.
“I’m sure she’ll be here soon. She probably got a late start because she spent the night at Bryce’s.”
My body stiffened, a blaze of jealousy scorching me from the inside out. So, that’s how we managed to avoid each other all weekend. I should’ve known. I mean, the guy was her boyfriend, after all. But she told me she was confused, that she needed time. Spending it with Bryce hardly seemed a way to clear her head and form an unbiased opinion.
“She did?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
“Uh huh. Oh, I’m so happy for her, Sam. I worried she’d never get out of that rut. She’s been through so much this year. But Bryce is wonderful and it’s so good to finally see her smiling again.”
Ella meant well—every mother craved her daughter’s happiness—but she had no idea that with every mention of Bryce she was digging the knife deeper and deeper into my aching heart.
“You see it, too, right? I haven’t had much time alone with you since all of this happened, but you know how much I value your opinion. You think he’s good for her, don’t you?”
I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and face her. London had the ability to read my mind simply by looking into my eyes. She always said they spoke for me. I knew all too well that special gift of intuition had been passed down to her from Ella. One glance her way and I wouldn’t even have to open my mouth.
A deep breath in and a long one out. I bit my tongue and leaned against the door jamb, pretending I was still on the lookout for London. Through gritted teeth, I forced a neutral answer and hoped for the best. “Yup, the doc’s a good guy. She seems very happy.” I focused my attention on a nurse rolling an elderly patient back to his room, but I could feel Ella’s eyes burning a hole into my back.
“Cut the shit, Goodwin. What aren’t you telling me?”
There was that spitfire of a woman I knew and loved.
I spun around, smirking, and marched back to her bedside. “Ah, I knew you had it in you! They can hold you hostage in this place, but they can’t dull that feisty spirit of yours, can they?”
She raised her chin and placed her hands on her hips. “Never. Now, sit down and tell me what’s up, because I think I already know, but I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
“Does that make me the horse?”
She laughed then, a sprinkle of color returning to her pale complexion. “I guess it does, although I’d prefer to think of you as a stallion.”
“Oh, really?”
“Come on.” She bounced in the bed, dismissing the smug waggle of my brows. “Hurry up and spill before she gets here.”
Hurry up? There was no way to rush through everything I needed to say. If I let it gush out uncontrollably, it would sound something like this: I’m desperately in love with your daughter, I have been for as long as I can remember, the doctor’s a great guy, but he’s not the guy, and I want you, no need you, to talk some sense into your daughter and tell her she belongs with me. Oh, and by the way, that kidney you need . . . it’s all yours because I’m a match!
I rested my head against the back of the chair and closed my eyes.
“Oh, boy,” Ella finally mumbled when I didn’t reopen them.
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“You’re not saying much of anything.”
“What’s to say?” I bent and dropped my head into my hands.
“Well, did you tell her?”
“Tell her what?”
“That the sky’s blue.” She paused and gave me direct glower. “That you love her, you idiot!”
I flew into an upright position, bracing my hands on the wooden arms of the chair. “You knew?”
“Of course I knew!”
“She told you? Or you figured it out on your own?”
“Honey, I might waste my time watching stupid soap operas, but I’m not a stupid woman. I’ve known for as long as you’ve known, and I can’t believe you haven’t said anything all these years. Living with that kind of a secret can haunt you. It’s not healthy or sane.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I’m serious, Sam. Did you tell her?”
“I did.” My lungs deflated. It felt good to get that out.
She beamed back at me and clapped her hands. “And?”
“And nothing. She spent the night at his house even after I told her. It doesn’t lo
ok good, Ella. What it looks like is a painful repeat of the last ten years. Only this time she knows and she’s still with someone else.”
“So, she told you she chose Bryce over you?” Her thin browns knitted into a plunging V.
“No, she told me she needed time. And I respect that, I understand, but this is torture.” I tugged a fistful of hair and groaned. I was trying to be cool about this whole thing, but inside I was going insane. “He’s not the man for her, Ella. I can give her everything she needs, everything she’s ever wanted. She’s already my best friend; if she loved me back I know we could be amazing together.”
Releasing this onto Ella was not my intent, nor was it fair, but it was so easy to be myself with her. There were many times in my life when I’d looked to her for advice when my own mother wasn’t around to give it, or a second opinion when I didn’t like what she had to say. This time, however, seemed to be the most important, the pinnacle of all the guidance she’d ever bestowed on me.
If everything went right with the donor procedure, I would forever be a part of the Monroe family. A piece of me would live inside of Ella. I would be her hero. But that wasn’t enough because I wanted to be London’s hero. I wanted a piece of me to live inside her. My heart already belonged to her, I only wished she would take it and give it a home next to hers.
“Tell me what I should do!” I was so frustrated I could scream, but given the setting and the company, I kept my composure and breathed deeply through my nose.
“What should you do about what?”
Both Ella and I snapped our heads in the direction of London walking through the door.
“Oh, hey, baby. Sam was just asking me a question about . . . his new house.” She darted a wide-eyed look my way. “He’s not sure whether he should keep the carpet in the basement or tile it.”
I nodded my head, almost positive I looked like a constipated infant. “I’m in the flood zone. I’m thinking the carpet will be a nightmare, but on the flip side, it probably gets really cold down there in the winter so the tile might make it feel like an icebox.”
Every Breath You Take (The Every Breath Duet Book 1) Page 21