Home Again

by Joan Elliott Pickart

  Cedar pressed the fingertips of one hand to her lips.

  “They shouldn’t have done that,” Joey yelled, again slamming one fist then the other into Puncho, who popped back up for more. “No. No. No. I hate them for doing that. I hate them.” Sweat trickled down Joey’s face as he hit the clown over and over and over. “If they really loved me, they wouldn’t have gone away forever, and left me forever to be scared and stuff.”

  Joey kicked the clown, then hit him again and again. “Why did they do that?” he screamed. “Why…did…they…do that?”

  Then Joey looked at Cedar and burst into tears. “Cedar?” he said, sobbing, “how come they did that?”

  “Oh, thank God,” she said, her own eyes filling with tears. She opened her arms to Joey. “Come here, baby.”

  Joey rushed into Cedar’s embrace and she lifted him onto her lap, holding him tightly as he cried as if his heart was breaking into a million pieces. He clung to her, great racking sobs sweeping through his tiny body.

  “They didn’t want to leave you, Joey,” she said close to his ear. “They loved you so much, they truly did. The accident wasn’t their fault. They are not to blame for leaving you. It wasn’t Oreo’s fault she ruined my sweater and made me sad. It wasn’t your mom and dad’s fault they left you and made you so very, very sad.

  “But, sweetheart, they made certain that if anything did happen to them, you would live with someone who loved you just as they did. Your Uncle Mark. He does love you, Joey. He does. He makes mistakes sometimes because he doesn’t have any practice at being a daddy, but he’s trying so hard, he really is. He wants you to be happy, to smile again, to laugh and play.”

  Two tears spilled onto Cedar’s cheeks.

  “Now you have a new forever, honey,” she continued. “You’re Uncle Mark’s little boy. That doesn’t mean you should forget your mom and dad and how much you loved them and they loved you. But it does mean that you’re not alone, you’re with someone who loves you with all his heart. Uncle Mark makes crummy scrambled eggs, but he’s learning how to cook and he’s learning how to be a dad…a forever dad, Joey. For you.”

  Cedar placed her cheek on Joey’s head, inhaling his all-boy aroma of healthy, sweaty hair and soap. She tightened her hold on him even more, knowing, rejoicing in the fact that he was now on the road to healing.

  Because Joey had cried.

  “Joey, do you believe that your Uncle Mark loves you?”

  Joey drew a shuddering, sobbing breath.

  “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, he does, Cedar. He does. Even…even when…he’s grumpy.”

  Joey’s eyes drifted closed and his hands loosened their hold on her as he fell into a deep, exhausted sleep, his tearstained face nestled against her breast. Cedar looked at a grinning Puncho.

  “Thank you, my friend,” she said softly.

  She sat in the chair for another ten minutes, holding Joey while he slept. Then she slipped an arm under his knees, lifting him as she stood, and managed to press the button on the intercom at the edge of the desk.

  “Mark,” she said.

  Seconds later, the office door opened and Mark strode into the room with a panicked expression on his face.

  “What…” he started.

  “Shh,” Cedar said, moving forward.

  They met in the middle of the room. Mark looked at Joey, then the clown, before switching his gaze to Cedar, an expression of confusion and concern on his face.

  “What happened?” he said, his voice hushed. “What’s wrong? What’s going on here?”

  Cedar managed to produce a wobbly smile as fresh tears filled her eyes.

  “Joey cried,” she said. “Oh, Mark, it’s a major emotional breakthrough for him. We’ll have to be very careful as we proceed since he could put those walls right back up. But he poured out his heart and revealed his anger and pain to Puncho the clown. It’s good.” She nodded. “It’s very, very good.”

  Mark stared at Joey again.

  “He’s wiped out,” he said. “Ah, man, he looks so small, so helpless. There’re tears on his face and…” He met Cedar’s gaze again, his frown deepening. He reached up and drew a thumb over one of her cheeks, wiping away the tears. “You’re crying, too. This is ripping me up.”

  “It’s all right, Mark,” Cedar said. “I can usually remain objective with my clients, but Joey…Joey is so special. He…oh, I don’t know…he latched on to my heart the first time we met and…” She smiled. “…I don’t think he’s going to let go.”

  “You’re an incredible lady,” Mark said, his voice gritty as a foreign tightness seized his throat.

  And you latched on to my heart the first time we met, Cedar Kennedy, he thought, with an edge of franticness. I think I might…maybe…oh, cripe, I think I’m falling in love with you. Damn it, give me my heart back because…oh, hell.

  “Mark?” Cedar said questioningly. “What is it? You look so stricken all of a sudden and the color just drained from your face and…what’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong?” Mark repeated, running his hand over the back of his neck. “Um…well, you said Joey could put his walls back in place and I’m afraid I’ll mess up, you know? Say or do something that will blow the progress you made today and…I’m really out of my element here.”

  In more ways than one, he thought.

  “We’ll take it slow and easy,” Cedar said. “You’re not alone in this, Mark. I’m here. For Joey. For…you.” She paused. “Would you take Joey, please? He’s getting rather heavy.”

  “Geez, I’m sorry,” Mark said. “I’m standing here like a dolt while you…let me have him.”

  Cedar leaned forward with her precious bundle as Mark slid one arm across Joey’s back and another under his knees, his arms pressing against hers. Their faces were only inches apart as they supported the sleeping little boy together. Their eyes met, held, and time stopped.

  Dear heaven, Cedar thought, as swirling heat consumed her, she had to move, put some distance between her and Mark before she went up in flames. He’d kissed her earlier, here, in her office, and she shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. She had to keep the professional separate from the personal. She had to. Somehow.

  She tore her gaze from Mark’s and slid her arms free, watching as he cradled Joey against his chest. She took a step backward and wrapped her hands around her elbows.

  “You’ll have to play the evening by ear,” she said stiffly, looking at a spot over Mark’s shoulder. “Don’t broach the subject of what happened here today. Wait and see if Joey brings it up. If he doesn’t, leave it alone for now. If he chatters like a magpie, listen to him. If he—”

  “I get the picture,” Mark said, frowning. “Why are you getting into your shrinky-dink mode all of a sudden?”

  Cedar planted her hands on her hips. “I beg your pardon?”

  Joey stirred in Mark’s arms, then settled again.

  “I am not,” Cedar said, keeping her voice down, “in my shrinky-dink mode as you so indelicately put it. I’m simply giving you instructions as to how to proceed with Joey this evening. He’s so exhausted by what took place here, he could very well sleep through until morning and that’s fine. Any questions?”

  “Yeah,” Mark said, “I do have a question. What are you afraid of, Cedar? Talk about walls. Man, if I could build them that fast with my crew, I’d be a millionaire. I saw the desire in your eyes when we were both holding Joey. I felt the heat, the…then you backed off, got all stiff and snooty, whipping your professional stuff at me.”

  “I…”

  “Joey and I are a package deal, Cedar. Did I stake a claim on part of your heart, too? Is that what’s got you scrambling for safety behind the wall you just slammed into place between us?”

  “No, of course not,” she said, lifting her chin and taking another step backward. “We both understand that what’s happening between us is temporary. I am not afraid of anything, Mr. Chandler.”

  Except the fact that you consume
my thoughts when we’re apart, she thought miserably, and light up my life when I see you again. You’re tiptoeing around my heart, Mark but you can’t have it. No. Not now. Not ever.

  “Look,” she said wearily, “I’m just as exhausted as Joey is at the moment. Take Joey home. I’ll see you both on Monday for his regular session.”

  “What about you and me, together, at some point during the weekend?”

  “That wouldn’t be a good idea,” she said. “Joey needs your undivided attention right now. He might be frightened by the emotions that surfaced here today. Just concentrate on your…son. That’s who he is, you know, because you’ve taken over the role of being his father.”

  “Yeah, well, the last I heard fathers are men,” Mark said, “and this man wants to see you.”

  Cedar laughed in spite of her frazzled state.

  “You’re pouting,” she said. “Shame on you.”

  Mark matched her smile. “So, send me to my room. That’s fine as long as you come with me.”

  “Shoo,” Cedar said, flapping her hands at him. “Take that beautiful boy home and spend the weekend showering him with TLC.”

  “I guess that means I can’t slip any scrambled eggs into the menu.”

  “Don’t even think about it.”

  “Okay. I’m outta here.” Mark paused. “Thank you, Cedar, for what you did for Joey today, and for me as his…father. Father. Great dad I am. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

  “Just love him, Mark.”

  “Love solves everything, huh?”

  “Most of the time it does…at least for little boys and girls, with a bit of help here and there from shrinky-dinks like me. It’s the grown-ups that complicate things.” Cedar waved a hand in the air. “See, I told you I was tired. I’m babbling. Goodbye until Monday.”

  Mark stared at her for a long, thoughtful moment, then nodded. “Until Monday,” he said, turning toward the door.

  Cedar moved around him to open the door, then watched him leave with Joey cradled safely in his arms.

  She would not, must not, fall in love with that man. She had to stay alert, because she was a breath away from losing her heart to Mark Chandler and she wasn’t going to allow that to happen. No. Absolutely not.

  Cedar glanced at her watch and saw that it was well past office hours. She collected her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk, turned off the lights in her office and started across the now-empty reception area for the main door to the suite. As she reached for the handle, the door opened. Gasping, she jerked back in surprise.

  “Oh, Cedar, I’m sorry,” her late-night visitor said. “I just took a chance that I might catch you before you left. I didn’t mean to scare you to death.”

  “You definitely got my attention, Kathy,” Cedar said, smiling at the attractive young woman. “What’s so urgent on a Friday night?”

  “Could we sit down for a second?” Kathy said. “It’s been a long day and my feet are killing me. I really need to speak to you, though. Were you rushing home to get ready for a date tonight?”

  “No,” Cedar said quietly. “I don’t have any plans. Sit down and talk to me.”

  Kathy settled onto the sofa in the reception area and Cedar sat in a chair opposite her so they could easily communicate.

  “You know I’m Cindy Swanson’s social worker,” Kathy said, “or case manager, to use the official jargon.”

  Cedar nodded.

  “Well, I made a routine visit to her foster home this afternoon. As you’re aware, I managed to place Cindy with Pearl Carson, a gem of a foster mom. I could use about a hundred more like Pearl. Anyway, I spoke with Cindy privately, then Pearl alone, then the two of them together, which is how I like to do home visits.”

  “And?” Cedar said. “Are you here because there’s a problem with my approach to Cindy and her situation?”

  “No, no, nothing like that,” Kathy said. “You’re doing a terrific job with Cindy. That homework assignment you gave her about the cost of apartments and day care was brilliant. It was definitely reality-check time for that young lady.”

  “It’s worked well for me with other young pregnant girls,” Cedar said. “They have no idea what they are really facing and—never mind. Let’s zero in on why you’re here. As you said, it’s been a long day.”

  “Aren’t they all?” Kathy said, sighing. “Okay, Cedar, here it is in a nutshell. Cindy is very adamant about you adopting her baby. She said that you’re thinking it over and she has decided that if you won’t adopt her baby girl, then she’s going to keep it because she refuses to allow anyone else to have that child.”

  Cedar opened her mouth, then closed it again as she realized she was at a complete loss for words.

  “When I spoke with Pearl privately,” Kathy continued, “she told me that Cindy is solid on this point. Pearl is a twenty-year veteran of these wars and I have complete confidence in her ability to read her foster kids.”

  “Oh, but…” Cedar started, then just stopped speaking and stared at Kathy.

  “The thing is, Cedar,” Kathy said, “the birth mother has the final say in who gets her baby should she go the adoption route. You know that. She can interview a zillion couples, or single moms or dads, or whoever from the applications, and then she makes her choice.”

  “I know, but…”

  “That cookie is not kidding,” Kathy said. “Cindy will keep that baby, heaven help it, if you don’t adopt her. I don’t think you and I have ever discussed the topic of having kids someday, but you wouldn’t have chosen your specialty in your field if you didn’t like the little darlings.

  “Anyway, Cindy said you agreed to think about adoption and I need to know where your head is. You’d pass CPS and state requirements to adopt with flying colors.

  “Oh, before I forget,” Kathy continued. “The one stipulation that Cindy has is that you have bunny wallpaper in the baby’s nursery. You gotta love these fifteen-year-old mothers-to-be. They are operating on another planet at times. Anyway, there’s paperwork to set in motion if you’re a go on this, and a home study to do. You know the drill.

  “Actually, this is rather exciting. You and I have been friends for years. I’ll get to be an auntie who spoils your kid rotten, while you do all the diaper detail. Works for me. So, Cedar? Speak to me.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say,” Cedar said. “I sort of told Cindy I’d think about adopting her baby, but…no, I didn’t actually say that, but…” She pressed one hand to her forehead for a moment. “This is overwhelming. Cindy has definitely made up her mind that…oh, my. A baby girl. A baby. That was a forgotten dream, a broken dream, a…oh, but, Kathy, I work such long hours and…well, I could cut back a bit and…but my house is falling apart. Then again, I was planning on selling it and getting something newer, with a backyard for a little girl to play in and…no, this is ridiculous. I’m in no position to…a baby. A precious baby girl that could actually be mine? A baby to hold tightly in my arms just the way I did with Joey?”

  “Who?” Kathy said.

  “Never mind. I’m slipping over the edge. I have to think this through.” Cedar paused. “What about the legalities of my being Cindy’s therapist? I might have brainwashed her.”

  “No problem,” Kathy said, rising from the sofa. “There are enough of us who know you and Cindy to nip that idea in the bud. So, okay, take the whole weekend to think.”

  “That’s all the time I get?” Cedar said, jumping to her feet. “What’s the rush?”

  “The fact that if Cindy is willing to put her baby up for adoption, her mother is ready to have her come home now instead of after the baby is born,” Kathy said. “That would get Cindy out of the foster-care system and back where she belongs. Pearl is wonderful, but I’m sure you’d agree that Cindy would be better off with her own mother, who is really a super lady. She just had enough to deal with without Cindy insisting on keeping the baby. Cindy wants to have this child, know it’s with you, safe and loved, and go back
to being fifteen years old. When is Cindy’s next session with you?”

  “Monday afternoon.”

  “Perfect. I’ll call you here Monday morning and find out what you’ve decided to do.” Kathy gave Cedar a quick hug. “Say yes. You’d be a terrific mother, Cedar. That would be one lucky baby, no doubt about it. Have a…thoughtful weekend. ’Bye for now.”

  Kathy left the office and Cedar sank back into the chair. Her trembling legs had refused to hold her for another second. She wrapped her hands around her elbows and remembered what it had felt like to hold Joey in her arms, the yearning that had consumed her, the irrational wish that he was hers, that she didn’t have to give him back to Mark.

  Mark. Magnificent Mark. He was trying so hard to be a good father to Joey. Mark, who had put aside his manly pride to ask for help so Joey could be a happy little boy again. Mark, who would be a wonderful father for Joey, and for the children he would create with the woman he chose to be his wife.

  Mark, who would never be a part of her forever because—

  Cedar drew a shuddering breath.

  Marrying again, being an equal partner with a special man, was not going to happen. Ever. It was a shattered dream, just as being a mother was.

  But now, a precious baby girl could be hers. A daughter. Half of her broken dream was hers for the having if she agreed to adopt Cindy’s child.

  Dear heaven, was it fair to take that baby knowing she would never have a father? But the alternative was a mother who really didn’t want that role, who wanted to have a pretty dress and go to the school dance.

  Cedar pressed her fingertips to her aching temples.

  She was exhausted, she knew. She was just chasing her own thoughts around in circles in her mind. A good night’s sleep would make things clearer and enable her, she hoped, to make the right decision.