by Lila Younger
I sit back up a little. Andrew’s gazing at me solemnly.
“You know Noelle, this stomach bug doesn’t seem to be getting better at all, has it?”
Oh great. Him too? I have my reasoning all ready to go, but then he says something that stops me in my tracks.
“What if it isn’t a stomach bug? I know you’re on birth control, but I checked it today, and it looks like you’ve kind forgotten two or three of them.”
I’m stunned. I mean, I do set an alarm on my phone to take them in the morning. And for the most part, I do. Sometimes I’m late by an hour or something, but I thought that it would still be effective. I try to search my brain. There was that one time when I was late for my business presentation that cost half my grade. I definitely missed that day. I can’t remember whether we had sex after that. I was also definitely late that morning we flew to New Orleans, but it couldn’t have worn off that fast, could it?
Andrew reaches down beside him, pulls out a Walmart plastic bag and tosses it over to me. I peer inside. A pregnancy test.
“Do you think...?”
“Take the test.”
He’s smiling. How can he be so calm about this? A baby would be life changing. Things would never be the same. I shake my head. Somehow I figure that if I don’t take the test, then it can’t be true.
“Noelle, it’s okay. We’ll be just fine.”
“You really think I’m pregnant?” I ask worriedly.
“I’m hoping. You haven’t had a fever yet, and a stomach bug doesn’t usually last thing long.”
My brain snags onto the word hoping. Andrew wants a family? He’s not upset that I’ve been so careless? He’s definitely grinning from ear to ear and it lifts me up too. I stand up and head to our bathroom. Andrew comes with me, though he waits on the bed outside the door. There are three tests in the box, I guess in case you don’t believe it the first time. I pull out the instructions with shaking fingers. A baby. A little human being made up of Andrew and I. I sit down onto the toilet and it takes me a few tries to figure out the best way to pee on a stick. Who knew it’d be so hard.
“All done?” he asks by the door. I guess he couldn’t just sit and wait.
“Yes. Start the clock.”
I clean myself up and open the door. The two tests are beside the sink. I’m getting nervous. Even though I was denying the possibility minutes ago, now I’m wanting it so badly I can’t bear to be disappointed. I pace our bedroom. It’s beautiful and spacious, and look, there’s even a perfect place to put a crib beside the window. There’s the spare bedroom across from us that could be converted into a nursery too. Though maybe it would be better if we bought a house in a good school district...? Before I know it, Andrew’s phone beeps, and he goes to take a look. I sit down on the bed.
“Well?” I ask hopefully. I’m trying to figure it out from his body language what the little sticks say. I almost don’t want to know.
“You’re pregnant Noelle.” He turns around and there’s a huge goofy grin on his face. He comes to me and pulls me in for a kiss.
“Are you sure?” I ask. It’s like I don’t want to let myself be this happy in case it’ll all come crashing down again on me. “Maybe it’s wrong?”
“It’s not wrong,” he says. “You have morning sickness, not a stomach bug Noelle. You’re carrying our baby.”
Andrew squeezes me in his strong arms. I finally allow myself to smile. A baby! I couldn’t believe it. We were going to be a family. Suddenly I was seized by apprehension.
“My wedding dress. It fit perfectly. My mom bought it off the rack already. I’m not going to fit into it by March!”
“So lets elope,” he says with a shrug. “I’ll buy myself a suit tomorrow. We can tie the knot and be done with it. It didn’t seem like you were enjoying yourself, and I only suggested a wedding because I thought you might like that sort of a thing.”
“Are you- Are you sure?” I’ve never been good with being at the center of attention. A big wedding with everyone looking on would have been more for my parents than for me.
“Of course Noelle,” Andrew says, leaning down to give me a soft kiss. “Whether we get married in front of one person or one hundred, I’ll still be happy because I’ll be marrying you. That’s what’s important.”
And that is just what we do. It’s a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning on the day of our marriage. I’m wearing my ivory silk wedding dress, and Andrew looks dashing in his charcoal black suit. I asked my mom to be my witness, and Andrew got the DJ friend of his. I wish it could have been my dad, but unfortunately he is still angry. I have come to terms with it though. It’s like my mom says. I have to pursue my own happiness. One day, he’ll see it and understand. My family might be cracked apart, but it isn’t broken, not yet.
And there is my baby. It’s small, too small to even see, but already it’s making big changes in our life. I want to be there for it in the same way my mom was. After talking it over with Andrew, we decide that I will take a year off from school. Instead, I’ll use the time to launch the jewelry business like I’ve always wanted to. If that doesn’t work out, I can go back to school online, or find something else to do. Who knows what the future will be like? A year ago I would never have thought I’d be with the love of my life, the man I’d always dreamed of ending up with. And now look at me. I can’t imagine my life any other way.
Epilogue
A year and a half later
I might actually finish this baby book today, I think with a smile. My parents have taken Violet as usual this Saturday afternoon, but for once the house is clean, my jewelry business is running smoothly, and Andrew has volunteered to do the grocery shopping so I could put my feet up and relax. I find myself with more time than I know what to do with, so I decide to tackle this project.
It was gift from my mom when she found out I was pregnant, who told me that I should try to write things down since I was bound to forget things in the haze after Violet’s birth. I am so glad I did. There’s the birth story, a bit about her family, her nursery, places to put pictures of my baby shower and my bump as it grows... A bit about our thoughts on what Violet will be like. And of course, everything after. What she weighed, when she hit her milestones, her favorite moments. It’s all there now, and I just know that one day Violet will find it as precious as I do.
Of course all that is missing is the pictures. Even though we have a photo printer at home, so you would think it would be easy enough to print and stick the pictures in, I hadn’t had any time until now. I set my phone up to transfer all 300 pictures of Violet and get to work picking out which ones I want to print. There are a whole flood of memories coming back. The first little set of onesies we picked out together (only two months in, so it was a unisex set with little yellow giraffes and brown teddy bears), choosing the colors for the nursery (Andrew insisted that he paint the room on his own so I don’t breathe in paint fumes), and the first time I realized I actually had a bit of a bump instead of looking like I’d eaten ten burritos in a row (five months in).
And then I come across the 20 week ultrasound where we realized we were going to have a baby girl. I still remember that day fresh as ever:
Andrew has a big meeting today, so I have to go alone. I tried to reschedule, but since he found out only a week away, it’s impossible to find a time. I hate it, but what can I do? Andrew’s the CEO of the company, but even he can’t always pick and choose when to have his meetings. I suppose it had to happen at some point. But did it have to be at the gender reveal? I know he feels my sadness, because he tried extra hard to cheer me up this morning, making my favorite- blueberry waffles.
At exactly eleven o’ clock I arrive at the OB’s office. Luckily there’s a parking space near the door, so I don’t have to walk far. I don’t look too pregnant, but my feet are already swollen and painful. My back aches. And I’m still tired as hell. So far pregnancy is all bad, and no good. At least there’s the trip to Hawaii Andrew planned for the two o
f us to look forward to.
I push open the door. My OB’s office is bright and modern, with lots of cozy chairs and a mini-bar stocked with delicious drinks. I usually go for the little bottles of fruit juice. This baby has a serious sweet tooth, and I go crazy if I don’t get my fix every few hours. I’m just about to go and register with the secretary when I see a familiar figure standing up. Andrew?! My mouth drops open.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, surprised. “What about that meeting with-”
“There is no meeting,” he says with a smile. “I’ve resigned as CEO.”
“What?!”
He takes both of my hands in his.
“I’ve resigned. I still own the company, but I’ve resigned. I’ve been thinking about leaving for a while now, so luckily there’s a plan in place. They definitely didn’t expect me to just leave today of course, but I was driving into work and I thought ‘what the hell am I doing? I don’t care about any of this anymore. I want to be at my baby’s gender reveal. I don’t want to keep missing out on things.’ So I called Miranda and let her know. Then I came straight here.”
I’m still in shock. Andrew leans down and kisses me, his lips warm and tasty as ever.
“Are you- Are you sure Andrew?” I ask anxiously. “Work is important.”
“Yes, but not as important as you,” he says, then reaches a hand to pat my belly, “and this baby. And I’m making both of you my new priority now.”
And he did. True to his word, Andrew did resign as CEO. Of course, it isn’t like he spent the next few months completely idle. He dove into the whole parenting thing, reading up on books, researching the best baby gear and toys for Violet, and just taking care of the whole pregnancy side of things so that I could focus on making my jewelry business viable while I took maternity leave. And when the contractions hit me, I wasn’t alone like I was worried about, I was with Andrew. It was the middle of the day, and we had just finished Lamaze classes.
I click on another few pictures to print out and glue in. There we are, exhausted but proud, after a difficult labor that resulted in a c-section. There’s a picture of me, still being operated on, but with little Violet. There’s another one of Andrew in scrubs, with tears in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face as he cradles her. She was only six pounds ten ounces.
And then I come across another picture. This one was taken by the nurse assigned to my care, and the four of us are all smiling- me, Andrew, my mom, and my dad. Yes my dad. I couldn’t believe it either, but it happened because of what Andrew did:
“Why isn’t she sleeping?” I ask, frustrated. She has already cried for almost thirty minutes now, and nothing works. She just finished eating. Andrew scoops her up and checks her diaper, but she’s clean, and tries to pat her back to work out a burp. Nothing but more wailing. I can feel tears springing to my eyes. I’m beyond exhausted, everything hurts, and I want to sleep. Violet cannot be consoled though, and I feel a sudden stab of failure. Shouldn’t I know what to do? I’m her mother!
“Let’s try a pacifier,” Andrew says. He reaches into the overnight bag and puts one in. Instantly, the room is mercifully silent. I watch him sway a little, and Violet nods off. She is so, so tiny in his arms. I’m hit with a love for Andrew so strong that my throat shuts. I want my dad to be here. I want him to hold Violet too, and promise to keep her safe and loved as much as he has for me.
“Andrew?” I ask after a few minutes.
“Yes?”
“I wish my dad was here.” I feel guilty for saying it out loud, because it almost sounds like I’m blaming him for how everything has unfolded, but he doesn’t see it that way. He has a sad smile on.
“I do too.” He pauses. “You should take a nap while Violet’s sleeping, Noelle.”
I nod and close my eyes. It feels like just a second later when my eyes snap open, my heart thudding. There’s a big crash. Andrew has hit the blood pressure monitor beside the doorway of my room, and my mom is yelling at my dad. I look around wildly until I see Violet, safe in the bassinet on the other side of the bed. The large noise wakes her up and she starts to cry.
“Wh-what’s going on?” I try to wobble out of the bed to reach Violet but it’s hard and my mom rushes over to help bring her closer to me instead. “Dad?!”
Violet makes it known that she isn’t pleased and I have to concentrate on rocking her. At least it gives me a minute to collect my thoughts. I can’t believe it. What is he doing here? Andrew clamors back up on his feet. He has a hand over his face.
“That was a good one David,” Andrew says good naturedly. He holds out a hand to my dad. After a second, my dad takes it and they shake. Something goes on between the two of them, and then they both smile, clapping hands over each other’s shoulders. I’m pissed though.
“What the hell were you guys thinking?” I demand. “Waking up the baby like that!”
“I’m sorry Noelle,” dad says. “But Andrew said he would do whatever it took to mend things between us. He tells me that you want us to be a family again, and so do I.”
My mom looks just as bewildered as I do.
“So you settle it with fists? Honestly David,” she says shaking her head. “I don’t understand you men.”
Neither do I, but I don’t care, because in the next second, Dad reaches the bedside, and Violet instantly calms. Her large eyes gaze solemnly at her new visitor.
“Can I hold her?” dad asks tenderly.
I carefully hand her over, and dad takes her, cradling Violet’s head so that she’s safe. I can’t believe it. I look over at Andrew and give him my most grateful smile. ‘I love you’ I mouth, and he says it right back.
“Honey? Noelle?”
It’s Andrew. He’s come back with the groceries, and from what it sounds like, he could use some help. I get up and stretch, then slowly make my way down the stairs. Our puppy, Shadow, is sniffing around the plastic bags hopefully. It looks like Andrew’s gone off the list, because I spy Oreo’s and chips and all types of bad things.
“I thought I told you I was on a diet,” I say, pretending to frown.
“And I thought I told you I love the extra curves on you,” he replies, leaning in and giving me a kiss. His hand wraps around my ass and gives a playful squeeze. “How are you enjoying your afternoon off?”
“I’m good. I’m just finishing up Violet’s baby book.” I reach into the bag to pull out the bag of chocolate covered almonds. “Remember when dad gave you a black eye at the hospital? Did I ever say thank you for that?”
“No you didn’t, but that’s okay. We were so tired we forgot our own names. But now that you mention it...”
Andrew’s arm pulls me flush against his long, taut body. I put my hand on his warm chest and smile up at him.
“I guess we better fix that huh?” I say.
He scoops me up and I can’t help but laugh as he plops me onto the living room couch. How the hell did I get so lucky? I think, but I then all thoughts are chased out of my head as he captures my mouth in a deep kiss.
*****
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Chelsea
I wish for the third time tonight that I could say no to Steph. But I can’t. I haven’t been able to since I met her in Kindergarten and she declared that we were going to be best friends. Her strawberry blonde hair was tied up into pigtails, and she was wearing a pair o
f purple corduroy overalls with a tutu over top. I was dressed in a boring baby blue t-shirt and denim skirt that my mom made me wear. Even then I felt boring and plain next to her. But Steph saw something in me: an accomplice. I willingly allowed Steph to decide what we’d do during recess, and that was that. Through the years there were more than a few times when Steph got me in trouble with her, but I had to admit that my life would be a lot more boring without her.
Tonight though, I just want to be home, sinking into a tub of bubbles. With a bottle of wine. Maybe two. Definitely not out at this microbrewery. I’m wearing a red dress that’s definitely too fancy for this place. This was a jeans and flannel kind of a place. The yellowy dim lights make it hard to see anything but the game on the flatscreens, and the blasting music makes it impossible to have a conversation. We’re at a rickety table that hasn’t seen a dishrag in months. I’m terrified to put my elbows on it. I don’t know why she’s picked this place of all places to discuss her wedding plans. It’s out of the way, and all I can think about is whether I want to brave public transit in an hour or spring for a cab. I take a sip of my pint. I know nothing about beer, except that I’ve yet to find one I really like.
“So bring me up to date on things,” I say. I’m the maid of honor of course, but my duties, the bachelorette party, the shower, etc. come later down the line. She only got engaged a month ago after all, so I figure I have at least a few months before I have to start looking into anything.
“It’s awful!” Steph sighs. “I really want to go with something more relaxed, like this cute little barn an hour outside of the city. Lots of lace and burlap and candles, that sort of a thing. But Michael’s mom insists on having it in a hotel or something. She doesn’t want to get cow poop on her dress she says, even though I keep telling her it’s an actual wedding venue.”
“And what does Michael say?”
She rolls her eyes and takes a swig of her beer. She ordered some kind of dark beer that looks bitter and earthy. It must be good though, because she’s already drank half. That or her future mother-in-law really is that difficult.