The Adventures of Sir Roderick, the Not-Very Brave

by James O'Loghlin

  ‘You can read my thoughts?’

  ‘No, another knight beat you here. I tortured him horribly to find the truth before disembowelling him and using his brains for bait.’ Roderick looked in horror at Banfor, and then reached to his right hip for his sword. Unfortunately, it was on his left hip, so he ended up grasping air.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Banfor. ‘I’m joking again. Yes, I can read your thoughts. Some of them. Sometimes. Don’t worry, I can’t get at them all. I used to be able to but . . .’ He faltered. ‘Things seem to be fading a bit. But I don’t really need to read your thoughts to be able to work out why you came here. You want me to do something for you.’ For a moment he looked old and alone, but then he summoned a smile and spoke simply. ‘Why else would you have come?’

  ‘Do you know why I want you to come with me?’

  ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Of course it matters!’ said Roderick. ‘Our kingdom –’

  ‘Our kingdom, your kingdom, their kingdom. It’s all the same. You want me to help you pursue your interests.’ Banfor’s voice became firm. ‘Your kingdom, or those who rule it, want me to help them to get what they want.’ His eyes blazed, and Roderick again felt their power. ‘I am a weapon, and you want to get your hands on me before someone else does. It’s the same as it always was.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand.’

  ‘Well, one of us doesn’t.’

  ‘Please, let me explain. I am sure you will see the justice of our cause. Our kingdom wants to protect you.’

  ‘Oh, how kind of you. How lucky I am.’ Banfor shut his eyes and sighed. After a while he opened them again. ‘I really do like fishing,’ he said, sounding resigned. ‘All right. Tell me.’

  Roderick explained how the Queen had discovered that the Nareeans had found out where Banfor was, and that they wanted to force him to use his powers to help them defeat Baronia. He described how the Queen had ordered the Baronian knights to undertake a kingdom-wide search to try to find Banfor first and offer him protection.

  ‘So we are not asking you to come and help us do anything,’ Roderick said. ‘The Nareeans may only be days, even hours, away. We want to protect you from them, so they won’t be able to force you to help them.’

  ‘Force me?’ Banfor snorted. ‘And how do you imagine they would do that?’

  ‘They are sending troops. They are ruthless and fierce.’

  ‘Fiercer than the cockroaches that guard the only entrance to this place? What better protection could I have than them?’

  ‘Well, they didn’t stop me,’ said Roderick. That had an effect on Banfor. He looked more closely at Roderick, who continued, ‘If I could get past them, then the Nareeans probably can too.’

  ‘How did you manage that?’ asked Banfor, genuinely interested, it seemed, for the first time.

  Roderick shrugged. ‘Oh, it wasn’t so hard.’

  Banfor stared hard at him. ‘Hmmm.’ He looked out into the water for some time. When he spoke his voice seemed to come from far away.

  ‘I don’t want to leave. I really do like the fishing here. If others manage to bypass the cockroaches then I will deal with them as best I can.’ He turned to Roderick. ‘I’m sorry. Your mission has been unsuccessful.’

  Roderick was disappointed, but not surprised. He knew what to do next. He reached for his belt. ‘Then, sir, I must try another way.’

  ‘What? You think that sword will help you?’ Banfor exclaimed, amused.

  ‘No, no, I would never . . .’ stumbled Roderick. He grasped the pouch next to his sword. ‘I have a letter from the Queen of Baronia.’ He fumbled with the drawstring to the pouch. ‘I was instructed to give it to you if you refused to come with me. Hang on. There’s a knot.’

  After more fumbling and fiddling, which quite undermined the sense of drama he had been trying to create, he managed to open the pouch and withdrew the parchment. ‘Only you may break the seal,’ he said.

  Banfor was gazing into the river again. Slowly he turned his head and eyed the letter as if it was a smelly, dead rat. Eventually he took it delicately between thumb and forefinger.

  ‘If you will excuse me,’ he said.

  ‘Huh?’ said Roderick.

  ‘I said, “If you will excuse me.”’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For goodness’ sake! Will you leave me alone while I read it?!’

  ‘Sorry!’ Roderick jumped to his feet so quickly he nearly overbalanced and fell in the river. He headed off towards Banfor’s cabin, outside of which Fruitcake was grazing.

  Suddenly he stopped. Across the clearing a girl, a year or two older than Roderick, emerged from the forest. She had dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and wore long brown pants and an off-white shirt underneath a purple vest. But it was her footwear that caught his attention. She was wearing pale green boots.

  She saw Roderick and stopped, then slowly, almost reluctantly walked towards him.

  For the first time he looked into her face. She had a slightly upturned nose, brown eyes and round cheeks.

  ‘Ruby?’

  ‘Hi,’ she replied, looking embarrassed. They faced each other, neither knowing what to say. As is often the case in situations of embarrassment and awkwardness, someone said something very obvious.

  ‘You’re visible,’ said Roderick.

  ‘Yep,’ said Ruby, holding her arm up. ‘Here I am.’

  Then it was her turn. ‘You made it here.’

  ‘I guess so,’ said Roderick.

  ‘How did –’ they both said at once, then stopped.

  ‘Sorry, you go –’ they both tried again.

  ‘Roderick, I’m sorry I didn’t come back for you like we planned,’ said Ruby quickly.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it,’ said Roderick even more quickly. ‘It was a dumb plan really. You were lucky to get through the first time, and coming back would have been really dangerous, so it’s fine.’

  ‘That’s what I thought,’ replied Ruby. ‘One of them nearly got me when I crossed, and if I had tried to get back, and then come through again . . . it was too risky. But you must be angry or . . . something.’

  ‘No, no, no. No,’ he said, trying to sound like he meant it. But they both knew that if he really had meant ‘no’, he would have said it only once.

  ‘Well, you got past them anyway. Well done!’ she said, trying, Roderick thought, a bit too hard to be friendly.

  ‘They must have felt sorry for me,’ said Roderick flippantly. ‘Or been full.’

  She looked carefully at him, as if inspecting him for claw marks.

  ‘How did you become visible?’ Roderick asked. ‘Banfor?’

  ‘Yes. He’s been very kind to me.’

  ‘Well, I guess that means that soon you’ll run out on him too, just like you ran out on me,’ retorted Roderick angrily. The words had burst out of him before he could stop them.

  Ruby went red, and stared back at him. ‘Look, Roderick, I’m sorry I didn’t come back, but it could have got me killed. Yes, you saved my life, and I’m grateful, but I saved yours first. Remember the snake? So we’re even. Let’s leave it at that.’

  She turned and walked off towards the cottage.

  ‘Even? Fine!’ Roderick shouted after her. ‘That’s the golden rule of human relationships, is it? You get even, and then you nick off. Good then. We’re even, so nick off.’

  He started to storm off in the opposite direction, then realised that if he stormed that way he’d end up in the river. So he stormed a few steps back over to Banfor and then sort of inwardly stormed off, while he actually stood still and waited for the old man to acknowledge his presence.

  All of a sudden Roderick had had enough. He was tired of all this. If, as he suspected, Banfor still refused to come with him, he would head home immediately. He ha
d done his best, but he couldn’t force a sorcerer who had a bear as a bodyguard to come with him. Somehow he would get past the remaining cockroach alone and if he didn’t then Ruby would find his bloodied remains on her way out, and she would feel guilty and that would be good. So, really whichever way it panned out was fine. It was win–win.

  Roderick looked down at Banfor, who was staring intently into the water, the parchment held in one hand. ‘She was very concerned about you, you know,’ he said calmly.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure she was. That’s why she promised me she’d come back and then didn’t. Anyway, she’s not important. Has the Queen’s letter changed your mind? Will you return to Baronia with me?’

  He was eager to get his refusal and be on his way. He had come a long way, nearly been killed several times and, frankly, it was all getting a bit much. At the castle they had a big buffet breakfast each morning. All you could eat, with lots of freshly baked muffins. That’s what he needed. A hot bath and a few muffins.

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Right then. Well, I think you’re making a mistake, but I’ve tried. So if you will excuse me . . . Wait. What did you say?’

  Banfor sighed. ‘I said “I will”.’

  ‘You mean you will come with me?’

  ‘Yes, that is what I mean.’

  ‘You’ve changed your mind?’

  ‘You’re having trouble with this, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I . . . I mean, well, I didn’t expect it, that’s all. I was expecting . . . Why did you change your mind? The letter?’ Roderick asked.

  Banfor smiled, but there was no joy in it. ‘It is for the best that I come with you. Will you stay here tonight? We can leave in the morning.’

  ‘Yes. Yes. Of course.’

  ‘You can stay in the cottage. Your friend has the spare room but you can sleep on the couch. Now if you will excuse me, I will try to catch us some dinner. It may be my last fish for some time.’

  Roderick wandered away again. He couldn’t quite believe it. He had found Banfor and persuaded him to return to Baronia. Or at least the letter had. Regardless, all he needed to do was get him back to Palandan and Roderick would be a hero. He tasted the word. Hero. He had never imagined that one day it might fit him. He imagined a parade through the city in his honour, followed by a feast where he sat at the Queen’s side. He might even get a bigger room.

  Roderick continued to imagine his heroic future until Chester returned with three rabbits he had caught. Roderick followed the bear into Banfor’s home. Inside was a simple kitchen and sitting room downstairs, and a staircase that led up, he supposed, to the two bedrooms. Roderick dithered about until, as the shadows lengthened, Banfor brought in a swag of decent-sized fish.

  Ruby turned up in time for the unusual, but very tasty, combination of fish and rabbit stew. Chester sat with them, and quickly wolfed – or bear-ed – his rabbit down. ‘I may talk like a person, but I eat like a bear. And after I eat like a bear, I walk around like a bear and then I fall asleep like a bear. I really am almost exactly like a bear. Maybe even more than that. But like a person I say ‘goodnight’. And that is exactly what I am now going to say. Goodnight!’ And with that, he got up and ambled outside.

  ‘Goodnight,’ replied the three humans.

  Banfor served dessert, a delicious pear pie. As they talked, Roderick couldn’t help but be surly and uncommunicative with Ruby, but that was all right, because she was the same back. To avoid talking to each other, and because they were genuinely curious, they both plied Banfor with questions about his life. Each question was politely but expertly deflected, and replaced with a query of Banfor’s own, usually directed at Roderick. By the time he had finished his second helping of pie, Roderick realised he had disclosed pretty much everything of significance that had ever happened in his life.

  As Banfor made tea Ruby cleared the plates, then they moved over to the fireplace and sat in comfy armchairs.

  ‘I have spent much of the last few years staring. At water by day, and at fire by night,’ said Banfor thoughtfully. ‘It has brought me great peace.’

  ‘You will return here very soon, I’m sure,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Yes,’ said Roderick. ‘Once you are no longer in danger, the Queen’s knights will escort you back here.’

  Banfor’s face was expressionless. ‘We shall see.’

  ‘And it will be my duty to protect you on the way back to Palandan,’ declared Roderick because, he thought, that is what a knight ought to say.

  ‘Well, that’s a relief,’ said Banfor with a half-smile. ‘And you will have some assistance. Have I told you that Chester is coming with us? He’s a very good bodyguard. Loyal, strong, obedient and he can always find honey. I adore honey. Yes, he does talk far too much about far too little, but apart from that he is an excellent companion.’

  Roderick nodded. ‘Yes, of course, if you wish.’

  ‘Good. We shall leave early,’ said Banfor, then added to Roderick as an afterthought, ‘if, of course, that suits you, sir knight.’

  ‘That will be suitable,’ said Roderick stiffly.

  ‘And I believe that the Lady Ruby will accompany us until her path back to her home diverts from ours.’

  Roderick gave a start.

  ‘Now that I am visible again I don’t fancy my chances getting past those cockroaches without you,’ Ruby said to Banfor.

  Banfor smiled at her and rose. ‘Goodnight, then.’ He disappeared up the stairs. Roderick expected Ruby to follow but she did not. They avoided looking at each other by gazing into the flames. He wished she would disappear, either into her room or back to invisibility. He had liked her much more when she was invisible.

  ‘He doesn’t want to go, you know,’ she said. Roderick could feel her gaze on his face. He looked resolutely ahead and said nothing.

  ‘Before you arrived I got the impression that nothing would get him to leave here,’ she continued. ‘How did you change his mind? What did you say to him? I saw him holding a letter. Did you give it to him? What did it say?’

  Roderick sighed. He hated being asked four questions at once. ‘I don’t know what was in the letter. I just told him that the Nareeans are pursuing him and they want to force him to fight Baronia.’

  ‘How do you know that’s right? Have you seen any Nareeans running around looking for him?’

  Roderick sighed again, a big one this time. He knew it was a bit theatrical, but he didn’t care. ‘No, but that just means we got here first. Maybe they were delayed on the way by a treacherous invisible girl.’ He liked that one. ‘Our Queen has spies in Nareea. She knows what the Nareeans are doing.’

  ‘But what if things aren’t the way you think they are, Roderick? What then? He’s just a tired old man. Can’t you leave him alone?’

  ‘I’ve already said, we’re going to protect him,’ said Roderick in exasperation. ‘I’m not making him come with me. It’s his decision.’ He crossed his arms but then realised that it made him look defensive, so he uncrossed them again.

  ‘He doesn’t need your protection,’ continued Ruby. ‘He’s perfectly safe here. He has the cockroaches, the bear and his powers.’

  Roderick knew this conversation wasn’t going to end well. He should just wish Ruby goodnight and curl up on the couch. Instead he said, ‘If you and I could get past the cockroaches, then others can too. The bear is only one well-aimed arrow away from being a rug, and as for Banfor’s powers, what have you actually seen him do?’

  Ruby held out her arms. ‘You’re seeing it now. He cured me.’

  ‘That’s hardly going to protect him from soldiers.’

  ‘He can do other things too. He controls the cockroaches.’

  ‘I think all he actually does is keep them in an invisible cage.’

  ‘Then he could put any Nareeans that came after him in an invisible cage too.’

&nb
sp; ‘But maybe it doesn’t work like that. Maybe it takes days or weeks to build the cage. Or maybe he built that cage years ago when his powers were stronger. I don’t know. I’m just saying I haven’t seen anything that suggests he could protect himself from Nareean soldiers. If he could, why would he need a bear for a bodyguard? Anyway, he obviously thinks he needs protecting from the Nareeans, or he wouldn’t have agreed to come with me.’

  Ruby turned back to the fire. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she leant towards him. ‘Wait! Your mission doesn’t actually make sense. It just doesn’t.’

  ‘Yes it does. The Queen –’

  Ruby flapped her hands like she was trying to take off. ‘No, no, no. Listen. You’re offering him protection, because he can’t protect himself from the Nareeans. But if that’s right, then what have you got to be worried about? What harm can he do to you Baronians if he can’t even protect himself from a few Nareean soldiers?

  ‘But if he is still a powerful sorcerer, then you Baronians don’t have to worry either, because then the Nareeans aren’t going to be able to capture him, are they? When they try, he’ll just use his powers to stop them. So if he has no powers left, you’re safe, and if he has lots of powers left you’re safe too, because he clearly just wants to stay here and fish, and no one is going to be able to make him do otherwise.’

  She sat back in her chair with the satisfied look of someone who had finally won a long game of chess. Roderick’s head was hurting.

  ‘It’s simple, really,’ she added.

  Roderick slapped his hand on the arm of his chair. ‘No! It’s not simple! It’s complicated.’

  ‘Roderick, admit it! You don’t have a clue what’s really going on.’

  ‘Okay! I agree! I don’t understand everything, but that’s not my job. That’s the Queen’s job. She makes the decisions and gives the orders, and I follow them. And you know what? Usually I’m not very good at carrying out her orders, because I’m not very good at being a knight. In fact, I’m terrible at it. But this time, for once, I’ve actually managed to do quite well. Out of all the knights, I’m the only one who’s succeeded in finding Banfor. And now I’m going to take him back.’