Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy

by Martha Long

  Me chest nearly blew outa me mouth it was hammerin so fast wit the enjoyment of listenin te the teacher heap loads a praise on me head. I looked over at the eejits on the other side an they were nearly chokin wit the sour faces they were makin at me. I was clampin me lips together, creasin me face in half wit the smilin over at them. Yeah! Tha shut youse up.

  I spent the rest of the day in a doze, not knowin anythin about anythin else. I only know about readin an writin an spellin an doin sums in me head, I’m quick enough at tha all right; ye’d have te be wit me butter round, otherwise me customers woulda robbed me blind. No fear! I can work out numbers like greased lightnin. So I suppose there was somethin te be said about me havin te rob the butter after all. But tha’s me lot.

  I woke meself up when I heard her say, ‘Put away your books, girls,’ then she started the singin lessons. Tha was somethin I could learn. Everyone was singin away te their hearts’ content, but I didn’t know any of the words an I started scratchin me head an yawnin.

  ‘You have nits!’ a young one said te me, lookin aroun from the seat in front a me an laughin.

  I stared at her long brown stringy hair an said, ‘Well, at least mine keep lovely an warm. If they were crawlin aroun your head, they’d get pneumonia from the draught ye’re so baldy! An mind you, I’m not sayin ye haven’t got any.’

  ‘My head is not baldy, ye tinker!’

  ‘Yeah, I know, ye must be deaf as well as baldy if ye didn’t hear the teacher say I’m a great tinker!’

  She stared at me, wantin te say somethin back, but couldn’t think of anythin, then she snorted air up her nose an said, ‘Ah, shrrup, ye skinny little cow!’

  ‘Loretta Winters! Stop that fighting at once and turn around in your seat! I will not tolerate you setting a bad example to that child. She’s a beautifully behaved young girl.’ Then she heaved in her chest an turned aroun te the convent kids an snorted, ‘She is going to be a shining example to the rest of you,’ then she smiled down at me.

  The convent kids went mad an started roarin out big sighs under their breath. ‘She’s an awful noticebox.’

  ‘Yeah! Suck up! I hate that new one, she thinks she’s great.’

  ‘Pet! She’s licking up to the teacher,’ they were all complainin like mad under their breath. I was screamin laughin inside meself, delighted te be the teacher’s pet! Yeah, I really like Mrs Basin, she’s very kind altogether.

  The school bell went, tellin everyone it was time te go home; well, fer the kids goin home. I put me books in me bag an trailed out the door after the convent kids, not in much of a hurry te go back in there. Everyone was tryin te fly out the door at the same time onta the convent landin.

  ‘Stop pushin!’ A middle group young one turned te me. I just looked at her, not pushin anyone at all.

  A big young one twice the size of everyone else lunged from the crowd an grabbed at her schoolbag, pullin it, an gave her a slap on the head wit her other hand. ‘Ye can’t catch me,’ she laughed.

  ‘Vanessa Andrewson! I’m tellin on you!’ she screamed, lungin out an grabbin the big one be the jumper an tryin te catch a hold of her hair. The big one gave her an almighty push an the two of them were slammin inta me, tearin at each other, an I’m gettin flattened in the middle.

  ‘Geroffa me!’ I roared, pushin the two of them.

  They stopped dead, still hangin onta each other, an looked at me. ‘Who’s she?’ they asked, lookin an laughin at each other an lookin shocked at the same time.

  ‘It must be the new one . . . Gawd! She’s very rough!’ the little one just a bit bigger than me said, wit her big buck teeth restin on her lip hangin down makin her chin look pointy.

  ‘Watch it, you big mope!’ the big one roared at me.

  ‘Gobshite,’ I muttered, not wastin me time, an movin me way through the crowd all flyin in different directions.

  I wondered which way te go. Wha do I do now? Go upstairs te the dormitory or downstairs te wha? I wonder when they get somethin te eat. I’m starvin te death. Them fuckers sittin at me table put sugar on me dinner when I wasn’t lookin. Yeah, tha was an awful disappointment. An the dinner was lovely an all. A bit a red meat, I don’t know wha it was called, I think someone said corned beef, an they were moanin they didn’t like it. Overfed pigs! It’s a pity about them. Hm, tha woulda been lovely sittin next te the green cabbage an big potatoes not peeled, still sittin in their skins. I went te get meself a fork from the long table holdin all the stuff, an when I got back I knew somethin was wrong. They were lookin at me sideways, actin very shifty an smirkin at each other under their eyes. I couldn’t figure it out an kept lookin at me dinner, but it was only when I tasted it. Aahhh, Jaysus! I nearly got sick. Bastards nearly poisoned me. They put a load a sugar in it. I tried te pretend there was nothin wrong wit it, not lettin them get the better a me. Me stomach was turnin, an they were laughin, starin inta me face waitin fer me te spit it out.

  ‘Does it taste OK?’ the one wit the white hair asked me, her mouth hangin open an her eyes dancin in her head, ready te split herself in two, wit the lot of them laughin their heads off.

  ‘Yeah, it’s lovely,’ I muttered, swallowin it, tellin meself it’s supposed te taste like tha so I could keep it down.

  ‘Do you not taste the sugar we poured into it?’ they roared.

  ‘No! I think it’s lovely,’ I said, puttin down me fork, leavin most of it sittin on the plate. ‘Well, whatever was in it I really enjoyed tha dinner,’ I said, holdin me belly, pretendin I was full up te the top.

  The smirks slid off their faces an they looked very disappointed altogether, not gettin the rise outa me. ‘Gawd! She’s real peculiar,’ the white-haired one whined, tryin te figure me out.

  I nearly cried, lookin at the lovely food sittin on the plate, an me dyin te get it down me belly. It’s a cryin shame te waste good food like tha, but it was no use, I had te leave it. Yeah! But we’ll see who has the last laugh. I’m not lettin them get away wit tha!

  Right! Where will I head? Me eyes peeled down the stairs an the rest a me was just about te follow when Sister Eleanor came flyin outa nowhere, herdin a load a young ones ahead a her. ‘Get up those stairs and change your uniforms!’ she shouted, gettin all red in the face an lookin like she wanted te escape outa here wit her eyes lookin miles away.

  ‘Sister Eleanor!’ roared Dilly Nugent, escapin the hold the nun had on her an flyin past me, shovin me outa the way. ‘Gerrouta me way, you!’ she muttered, snarlin under her breath.

  ‘Watch it, ye cross-eyed fuckin goofy cow,’ I muttered.

  ‘Come back here at once,’ Sister Eleanor screamed, rushin after her, gettin herself even redder in the face, an grabbin a hold a her.

  ‘I left me homework copy at school and I need to rush in and get it!’ yer woman screamed.

  ‘No! Get up to that dormitory and do as you are told,’ Sister Eleanor whispered, narrowin her eyes an squintin at her, waggin her finger in her face. ‘You are trying my patience, and I am going to count to three . . .’

  ‘Gawd! That’s not fair! You hate me, you do! You’re always giving out to me, so you are!’

  Sister Eleanor made a lunge an wit her two hands grabbed the young one an wrestled her up the stairs.

  ‘Sister Eleanor!’ I was delighted te see her an rushed after her. ‘Do we have te change outa our school clothes now?’ I asked her, tryin te pull her arm te get her te look at me, an rushin after her.

  She kept goin, not hearin me.

  ‘Do we have te change outa our school clothes now?’ I asked her, pullin harder on her arm an tryin te get ahead of her te look inta her face.

  ‘Yes! Yes!’ she roared at the landin, not really seein me.

  Then a big young one came flyin outa the convent passage swingin a bongin thing, bangin hell outa it. I stopped te look. ‘Sister Eleanor! Sister Eleanor!’

  ‘What is it?’ she asked in a pained face, not lookin down te the young one but askin the air, an hangin on te some a the crowd she w
as tryin te keep movin up the stairs.

  ‘Sister Eleanor!’ I roared, delighted te have somethin te say te get her te talk te me. ‘Tha big young one wit the bongin thing in her hand is shoutin fer ye!’

  ‘Oh, for the love of God! I know that! What does she want?’ she roared, moanin at me.

  Ah, fuck! Now I’ve annoyed her.

  ‘Sister Eleanor! I’ve been shouting around the house for the last hour looking for you! You’re wanted on the phone. I have me work to do you know!’ Then she gave the bong another bang an put her nose inta the air an swung her long ponytail, flappin it in the air, an wriggled her arse an slid back out the door te head off fer the convent.

  Gawd! I’d love te be doin tha! Flyin aroun wit tha thing, bangin the hell outa it an talkin te the nuns like tha, an have me work te do an a lovely long ponytail like her. She looks about fifteen. No, probably sixteen. Jaysus! I can’t wait te be big like tha.

  ‘Excuse me!’ Sister Eleanor flew past me down the stairs, holdin up her habit te stop her trippin, an shouted back at me starin after her, ‘Will you please go and change out of that uniform, child,’ then she gave one last look back, seein me still not movin, an shook her head in annoyance.

  I watched as her face disappeared out the door, takin the rest of herself wit her an vanishin! I stood lookin at the spot where she’d been an felt me heart drop. Ah, she’s gone! I was lookin forward te tellin her me news about the school an wha the teacher said te me, an now it felt a bit empty without her. I looked aroun the landin where the middle kids have their playroom, an they had their nun in there wit them, an she was sewin away an listenin te them. Everyone had disappeared inta the dormitories, an I could hear the shoutin an laughin comin all the way down the stairs. I’m the last one standin here, an I thought I’d sort meself out sooner than this an maybe go fer a ramble an see wha this place is really like, an I might meet someone I could play wit. I suppose tha’s wha everyone else is doin now, havin a play time. Right! I’ll run upstairs an get meself changed.

  ‘You can’t bring that bag in here!’ Freckle-face roared at me, standin wit her hands on her hips, her eyes bulgin outa her head lookin from me te the bag.

  ‘Wha do I do wit it?’

  ‘Shove it up your jumper,’ she laughed, lookin at Pointy-nose wit the ashtray face an the Jane Mary one roarin their heads laughin.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I said, makin fer me bed.

  ‘Sister Eleanor will punish you!’

  ‘Yeah,’ they all laughed, ‘and tonight it won’t be a sugary dinner, because you’ll get nothing if you’re punished.’

  ‘So where do I put it?’ I roared, losin me patience.

  ‘That’s for us to know and you to find out,’ they cackled, all sayin it at the same time an laughin their heads off.

  ‘Right! Fuck the lot of ye’s,’ I said te meself, not carin any more.

  I started te take me uniform off an was tryin te get me own frock over me head when they all started roarin.

  ‘Gawd, she has legs like matchsticks!’

  ‘Noo! More like a chicken!’ Grey-face screamed. ‘And she’s showing off her knickers. You’re supposed to get dressed under your nightdress! Not show us everything!’

  ‘Yeah! And scare the life out of us,’ Jane Mary laughed.

  They all roared laughin again, thinkin themselves really funny.

  ‘Gawd! She’s terrible looking,’ the Dilly one said, starin up at me like I had two heads.

  I’m goin te be dug outa tha one in a minute if I lose me patience. I could feel me heart hammerin away in me chest, an shoved on me shoes an folded me uniform, takin good care te make sure I still had the nice pleats in the middle an wantin te get outa here as fast as me legs would carry me.

  I heard footsteps an the little grey-haired woman came rushin in, blinkin an thinkin wha she wanted te say, her mouth movin before she could get the words out. ‘Dilly Nugent! Jane Mary Wilson! And the rest of you! Get out of this dormitory immediately. Come on!’ an she waved her arm out the door.

  They started te move, moanin, ‘Gawd! You can’t do anything in this house without people giving out to you!’

  ‘Out! Before I tell Sister Eleanor. You know it’s forbidden to come up here. You should be changed long before now and down to study. Hurry! Come along now, child,’ she roared up at me.

  I closed me locker an checked everythin looked nice an tidy wit me uniform sittin on me chair an galloped off, takin me schoolbag wit me.

  ‘You don’t bring that up here; leave it in your locker in the playroom until you need it,’ she said te me as I flew past her, wantin te make distance between me an the torments.

  ‘OK, Miss, sorry, I didn’t know wha te do wit it,’ I said, makin me way down the stairs an headin fer the study.

  I followed the rest a me group inta a room wit a long table an two long benches sittin beside it, an everyone made a rush te get themselves a place. I looked te see where I could sit; I didn’t want te be beside tha Dilly one an her gang.

  ‘Come along now, dear, and sit yourself down,’ a woman wit short grey permed hair an wearin a blue smock said te me, pointin me te the end a the bench next te a young one wit brown short hair an a very red face. ‘Move up there, Ellen, an let this child sit herself down like a good girrell.’ An she gave her a push, cos yer woman was pretendin te be deaf.

  ‘Now! I want ye girrels to get yer heads down to the books and don’t be giving me any trouble today, because I’m not too long outa me sick bed at all, at all!’ she said, feelin very sorry fer herself an hopin they’d have pity on her. ‘Are ye all listening to me?’ she asked them one be one, lookin the length a the table an bendin herself in two, restin her hands on her hips.

  ‘Yes, Miss Farmers,’ they muttered, laughin inta their chests.

  ‘Good girrells,’ she said, hikin herself up, tryin te stand. Then she wobbled, grabbin hold of a chair, an took herself off walkin on hairy bandy legs wit the muscles stickin out, lookin like she was tryin te balance herself on a very dangerous icy floor, wearin a pair of black laced-up shoes wit thick high heels.

  ‘Oooh! I’m getting too old,’ she moaned, tryin te lower herself inta a chair an sittin herself down beside a desk. ‘Now! I want ye to be nice and quiet, children, and I might have something later on for the quietest girrell.’

  ‘What will you give us, Miss Farmers?’ they all roared up.

  ‘Oh, now! Ye’ll have to wait and see!’ she said, pullin out a cloth te do her sewin on fancy little flowers.

  ‘Ah, Miss! Go on! Show us! And we’ll be very good for you, won’t we girrells?’ roared Dilly Nugent.

  They all sniggered, shoutin. ‘Yeah, Miss! We’ll be very good girrells for you,’ they screamed, laughin their heads off.

  ‘Well, all right then,’ she said, takin a hankie outa her pocket. ‘I only have the one, mind!’ she said, holdin up the hankie as we all watched. Then she opened it, showin us a lemon sweet stuck te the hankie.

  ‘Uuhh! Yuk! That’s disgusting! We definitely don’t want that, Miss,’ they screamed.

  ‘Ooh! I’m going to be sick,’ moaned Dilly Nugent, holdin her stomach.

  ‘Well! You are not going to get it anyway,’ huffed Miss Farmers. ‘I think you are all very spoilt. When I was a child, I certainly would not think of refusing a sweet!’

  I sucked on me pencil, lookin from me sum book back te me copy again. I can’t make head nor tail outa them sums. Jaysus! How do ye do them? I looked down the table wonderin if I could ask someone fer help. No, better not look fer trouble; they’ll only start tormentin me again. The young ones here are very sour altogether; ye’d think they had the world on their shoulders the way they jump at ye an the carry-on a them. Ah, fuck! An I can’t make out tha geography either. I felt me heart sinkin. Ah, I was hopin te be able te learn meself an do sums an all the other things ye do at school. But it’s too hard cos I don’t know wha I’m doin. I’m only wastin me time! Te hell wit it, I’m not botherin me arse. I put me books in me bag an
turned aroun.

  ‘What are ye doing, child? Surely ye can’t be finished already?’

  ‘No, Miss! She’s skiving!’ the Dilly one an her gang all shouted, lookin shocked an annoyed at the thought of me gettin away an they still stuck here.

  ‘Yeah, I’m finished, Miss,’ I said, not lookin at her an makin me way te the door while I could still escape.

  ‘Come back!’

  I hesimitated, listenin te them all shoutin an screamin tha I was tellin big lies and it’s not fair. ‘Why should we have to stay?’ they roared.

  I put me head back in the door, sayin, ‘I’m rushin te the tilet, Miss,’ an I banged the door shut, hearin them say, ‘“I’m rushin te the tilet, Miss!” She’s a real street kid, that one!’

  An ye’re all ragin I’m gettin out! I thought te meself, flyin down te the tilets then pullin meself te a stop, rememberin tha’s where they locked me in. No! I’m not goin in there, they might come after me an do it again. I turned back, headin down the other passage, lookin in at the refectories. Nobody in, they must be all doin their study in their own places. The kids don’t seem te mix; they keep the groups te their own parts.

  CHAPTER 4

  It’s very quiet, not a sinner aroun or a sound te be heard. I stopped at a door on me right an turned the handle, walkin in. I could hear machines an smell washin. I walked down the little passage an turned the handle on another door, openin it very quietly in case someone let a roar at me.

  The noise hit me straight away. I looked in, seein big machines groanin an moanin wit loads a washin slappin away. An a big machine wit rollers an a long runnin board fer puttin yer feet on te make it go sat in the middle of the room. ‘I wonder wha tha’s for?’ I said, starin at it, then havin a good look aroun the room.

  I looked over inta a corner, seein a skinny little woman wit grey hair slammin down an iron wit the flex hangin from the ceilin, an steam came outa the white linen cloth she was ironin. I walked over quietly, sayin, ‘Hello, Miss, are you in charge a the laundry?’