The Institute

by Kayla Howarth

  ***

  After a day of nerves festering in the pit of my stomach, I’m practically catatonic by the last bell when I’m set to meet Drew.

  When I approach him outside the main gates to the school, my smile matches his.

  He takes my hand as we head for the train and get off at the main street station. After a quick bite to eat and some small talk about classes, we make our way back to the train station.

  He leads me to a secluded park close to where I live. “I didn’t even know this place existed.”

  “I discovered it not that long ago. No one is ever here.”

  The unpaved path Drew takes me down is pitch black, and I’m holding on to him for dear life, trying not to trip on tree roots along the treacherous ground. I keep telling Drew this wasn’t a great idea, that I’m not exactly the most agile person around. I bring up the first day we ever spoke to each other, to remind him of that fact.

  He has a torch with him, and he’s trying his hardest to light my path for me, but it’s no use. I have trouble walking when the only obstacle in front of me is my own feet. Suddenly he picks me up and I’m hanging over his shoulder with my butt up in the air.

  “As classy as this makes me feel, can you put me down, please?” I guess he’s not taking me too seriously considering I’m laughing as I ask him this.

  We make it down to a lake, and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Lily pads and lotus flowers float on the water … at least I think that’s what they are. I can’t be sure as it’s so dark out here. The moonlight gives off only a little bit of light. On the other side of the lake, the grass is well manicured and short. I wonder why Drew didn’t bring me in through that way so I didn’t trip all over myself.

  Sitting on the grass, I can’t help but gaze at the stunning stars above us. At least staring at them gives me an excuse to avoid eye contact; I’m so nervous.

  “So how is it that you’ve lived here longer than me and didn’t know about this place?” he asks.

  “I don’t exactly get a lot of time to go out and explore. If I’m not helping Dad on the farm or looking after Shilah, I’m with Ebbodine,” I say. “Hmm, was with Ebbodine. That’s still hard to get used to—talking about her in past tense.”

  Drew reaches for my hand and holds it in his. “And Shilah’s your brother, I’m guessing?” I know he’s trying to change the subject, and I’m thankful for that.

  “Yeah he is.”

  “You don’t mention him very much.”

  I gulp. “I thought you met him when you came over after … your accident.” What is wrong with me? Why am I continually bringing up the bad things?

  “I wasn’t exactly paying a whole lot of attention to anyone but you that night. You were amazing that day, and I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for saving me.”

  I’m glad it’s so dark out here. He won’t see how bright my cheeks are.

  “I think about how I wouldn’t know you if the accident never happened, and in a way, I’m glad it did, at least something good came out of it anyway.”

  I look down at my feet. “I don’t know what came over me that day. I always imagined if I was ever in an emergency situation, I’d panic and just freeze up. I remember one day on our farm, we used to have an electrified fence, and one of the kid goats broke free from her pen. I could see what was going to happen. She was running as fast as she could and wasn’t really paying attention. She passed straight by me, but I was in such a panicked state I couldn’t move. I didn’t try and catch her. I just watched her run into the fence.” I shake my head. “Needless to say, our fence is no longer electrified.” I’m clearly great at handling romantic situations. Seriously. What is wrong with me?

  “Well, that’s an upbeat story,” he says, smirking.

  “Oh, she survived. She never ended up producing milk, though, and kind of seemed a bit… how shall I put this, umm, special. It was only a low-voltage fence to keep out smaller animals like rabbits and rodents, but it always made me think I’d be useless in an emergency. She could’ve died, and I did nothing. I still giggle at that little wobbly kid stumbling all over the place though.” Stop talking, Allira.

  “Well, you obviously don’t have that issue anymore. It really was amazing what you did for me. You’re amazing,” he says, gripping my hand tighter.

  I still can’t bring myself to look up at him. I’m worried my face is glowing red. Focusing on our hands, I run one of my free fingers over the leather strap he wears around his wrist. The detail is so intricate, interwoven strands of leather, upon more strands, yet it’s so subtle you really have to look closely to see it. He pulls his hand away and wraps his arm around my waist. I run my hand up his arm and across to his chest as he pulls me in close.

  This is it, I think. I no longer have to wonder if he’s ever going to kiss me because as he pulls me closer to him, he doesn’t stop until our lips meet. My first kiss. It’s romantic, sending shivers down my spine and making me want more.

  He cradles my head as he lays me down in the grass. His hand starts in my hair, but it slowly makes its way down my side and rests on my hip. As he brings it around to my front, I can feel him playing with the hem of my shirt. He starts sliding it upwards, and I’m suddenly really nervous about where his hand is heading. I’m too distracted now worrying about what he’s doing to be really invested in the kiss.

  “Are you okay?” he asks as he pulls his lips away.

  “Uh-huh.” I can’t really construct sentences right now.

  He moves his lips lower and kisses me along my neckline. It feels incredible, but I’m too self-conscious to enjoy it the way I should. My breathing becomes heavy, and I try to tell myself to breathe normally, but the more I try to force it, the heavier it gets. I want to hide, just put my hands over my face and hide. It’s not only embarrassing, it’s awkward and embarrassing.

  “Are you sure?” His words are quiet. He’s also breathless. He doesn’t give me time to answer before he’s kissing me again. He pulls his hand out of my shirt and places it back on my hip, pulling me onto my side and against his body. I’m starting to get really hot, as if I’m burning up. His hand slides down, reaching for the button of my jeans, and my automatic reflex is to stop him.

  “I’m sorry. I-I” I stutter. I have no idea what to say. How do I tell him I’m not ready for this? This is moving way too fast. It’s embarrassing enough that until five minutes ago, I hadn’t even kissed a guy. I don’t know how to tell him I have no idea what I’m doing or that it’s too quick. I still don’t even really know him.

  It would be easy for me to let this happen, to hope that it’ll make me forget about everything, but I can’t let myself think like that. I don’t want to have an excuse to have sex, I just want it to be right and to want it … and I do want it … just, not now, not yet.

  “You don’t want to do this?” he asks breathlessly.

  I shake my head sheepishly but don’t offer up an explanation. I want to, but the words don’t come.

  “You know what that means, right?” he says as he stands and helps pull me up from the ground.

  “What?” Is he going to break up with me? When we’ve barely gotten together?

  “It means you have to go into the lake!” He picks me up, throws me over his shoulder again, and starts running for the water, at which point I start freaking out for a different reason. The laughing and playfulness that was in my voice when he carried me down here is gone, and shrill, scared cries have replaced them.

  “No, stop, please!” I can hear the pleading in my screams. He puts me down before we reach the water, and I just collapse into a heap on the ground.

  “Are you okay? What’s wrong? What just happened?” He sounds genuinely worried.

  “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you. I’m terrified of the water, well, not the water—I’m terrified of drowning.” My voice is shaky at best. I hope he can understand the words that are being spoken between all the gasping for air. “The thought o
f you possibly throwing me in there—I’m sorry, I just got scared.”

  “I’m so sorry, Allira, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have done it if I—”

  “No, no, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry for freaking out on you like that.” Drew picks me up off the ground and places his hands around my waist.

  “Home time?” he asks.

  “Home time,” I agree. He leans down and quickly brushes his lips against mine, making me calm right down.