Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@
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President Grover Cleveland answered the White House phone himself.
DR. RICHARD KIMBLE: Wrongly accused of killing his wife, Dr. Kimble (David Janssen) searches for the real killer, a one-armed man, over four seasons of The Fugitive (1963–67). The theme of a falsely accused man trying to prove his innocence while on the run has been repeated on such TV shows as The Incredible Hulk, The A-Team, and even Run Joe Run, a Lassie/Fugitive hybrid starring a dog falsely accused of attacking its master.
REX MORGAN: The main character of the dramatic serial comic strip Rex Morgan, M.D. that’s been running since 1948, created by real-life psychiatrist Nicholas P. Dallis. Dallis intended the strip as a means of educating the public about medical issues; more than one fan has credited the strip with helping them diagnose their own illness.
DR. BENTON QUEST: Jonny Quest’s father on the ’60s adventure cartoon Jonny Quest. He’s a jet-set government scientist who conducts top-secret experiments and takes his son along on dangerous adventures around the world. The character Jonny Quest was created when the show’s creators couldn’t obtain the TV rights to the radio series Jack Armstrong: The All-American Boy.
DR. STRANGELOVE: One of three characters portrayed by Peter Sellers in the 1964 nuclear war farce Dr. Strange love or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Serving as a scientific advisor to the U.S. President Muffley (also Sellers), Strangelove, a former Nazi, keeps accidentally referring to the president as “mein Führer,” and his hand, as if it had a mind of its own, makes the Nazi salute. (The real-life neurological disorder “alien hand syndrome” is also known as “Dr. Strangelove syndrome.”)
DOCTOR ZHIWAGO: A novel by Russian author Boris Pasternak, it follows surgeon and poet Yuri Zhivago as he falls in love with his muse, a girl named Lara, but then marries another woman, all against the backdrop of World War I and the Bolshevik Revolution. The 1965 film, starring Omar Sharif and Julie Christie, was a massive hit: Adjusted for inflation, it’s the eighth-highest-grossing film of all time.
The 2010 Winter Olympics medals were made from recycled TVs and computers.
IRONIC, ISN’T IT?
There’s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the problems of day-to-day life into proper perspective.
SCARED STIFF
A 2010 Indiana University study found that anti-drinking commercials that use scare tactics tend to bring out “feelings so unpleasant that alcoholics are compelled to eliminate them by whatever means possible.” According to the study’s respondents, they cope by drinking. Result: “Alcoholics actually drink more than if they hadn’t been exposed to the ads in the first place.”
I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T AVOID THE IRONY
Between 1998 and 2009, four senior citizens were killed by the pendant cords attached to the Philips Lifeline medical alert buttons they were wearing around their necks. Cause of death: The victims fell down and the cords became entangled with objects such as doorknobs. (The alert buttons now come with a hazard warning.)
ART IMITATES DEATH
After actress Brittany Murphy, 32, died of a heart attack while taking a shower in December 2009, First Look Pictures immediately recalled and replaced the DVD cover art for her recently released film, Deadline. The reason: It depicted Murphy as a lifeless corpse lying in a bathtub.
BOOB TUBE
In 2009 the Walt Disney Company offered refunds to parents who purchased the Baby Einstein educational video after a study found that infants who watched the video actually learned fewer words than those who didn’t. Said one researcher: “The more they watched, the less they learned.”
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
• An “environmental catastrophe” occurred when hundreds of birds, reptiles, and other woodland creatures were killed and eaten in a German forest in 2009. Who ate them? Minks—more than 4,000 of them—that had been set free from a nearby mink farm by animal activists.
The first MGM lion was named Slats.
• In 2009 PETA released a print ad called “Fur Free and Fabulous,” featuring stock photos of Tyra Banks, Carrie Underwood, Michelle Obama, and Oprah Winfrey. Apparently no one at PETA was paying attention, because the photo of Winfrey shows her wearing a leather skirt.
BOMBS (AWAY)
Remote-controlled drones that bomb foreign targets were designed, in part, to reduce combat stress. But unlike traditional bomber pilots, a remote operator sees the target up close and observes what happens. The operator is farther away physically, but actually sees the destruction. The result, according to defense expert P. W. Singer of the Brookings Institution: “There are higher levels of combat stress among remote U.S. units than among units serving in Afghanistan.”
FIRE IN THE SKY
In March 2010, astronomers at Arizona’s Whipple Observatory complained to state authorities that bright, manmade lights were brightening the dark skies—inhibiting the astronomers’ search for interstellar phenomena and, by extension, space aliens. The bright lights, it turned out, were being used by the U.S. Border Patrol in their ongoing search for illegal aliens.
FLYRONY
In 2001 Christian Browning, 60, and his wife were terrorized by a pair of gulls nesting near their home in Cornwall, England. “We couldn’t even go into our garden,” he said. Browning is the son of author Daphne du Maurier, who wrote the novella that was later adapted into Alfred Hitchcock’s 1963 horror film The Birds.
YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
At the head offices of the National Association of Telemarketers in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sign is posted on the front door that reads “Absolutely NO SOLICITING.”
Would you? 81% of Americans say they’d tell a friend if his fly was unzipped.
BANK ERROR IN
YOUR FAVOR
More tantalizing real-life tales from the bank vault, to remind you to be careful what you wish for!
Customer: Louise Inger, 34, from Derby, England
Bank Error: In November 2003, Inger was down on her luck: She was off work due to illness and had only £49 (about $80) to her name. And the holidays were right around the corner. Then, on November 28, her bank deposited £24,550—just over $40,000—into her account by mistake. The money belonged to the Derby City Council and was supposed to be paid into the account of Inger’s landlord, Hallmark Community Housing. But a finance officer entered Inger’s information into the computer system instead of Hallmark’s, causing the money to be paid into her account.
What Happened: As soon as Inger realized the money was in her account, she and her boyfriend, 32-year-old Nathan Sault, started spending it, and kept right on spending it even after the Derby City Council sent a letter, and then a bill collector, to Inger’s house to get the money back. The pair managed to blow all but $650 of the council’s money in just six days, buying furniture, clothing, eyeglasses, mobile phones, fine wines, a $4,400 TV, Christmas presents, and a trip to Disneyland Paris. They were arrested shortly after they returned home and before they could take a trip they’d booked to Egypt. Inger admitted to the theft immediately. “I had hardly been out this year, so I just let go and had a good time. In all honesty, it was a thrill.”
Outcome: Police confiscated $10,400 worth of swag from Inger’s apartment; she and Sault were both convicted of theft and each served six months in jail for their six-day spending spree. The bank sued Inger to recover the rest of the money…but decided not to sue Sault. Though prosecutors say he was present for every purchase Inger made, he was considered personally responsible for stealing only $1,000, which he used to pay off an overdraft.
World’s largest school: City Montessori School in Lucknow, India, which has a record enrollment of 32,114 pupils.
Customer: Charrise Lott, 29, an employee of Chase Home Finance in Cleveland, Ohio
Bank Error: On March 20, 2004, Lott transferred $325 from her Chase savings account into her Chase checking account. But the bank deposited $32,500 into the account, not $325.
What Happened: Prosecutors say Lott immediatel
y transferred $10,000 into her savings account, went on a $6,000 spending spree, and then wrote $14,000 worth of checks, including $7,500 that she gave to relatives and $5,907 that she spent on a motorcycle.
Outcome: At last report, Lott was under indictment by a grand jury on fraud charges.
Customer: An unidentified Brazilian man
Bank Error: In 1997 the man received a letter from his bank, the state-owned Banco do Brasil, informing him that his bank account had a balance of one billion reals (approximately $560 million).
What Happened: The man did the honest thing—he notified the bank of the error. But rather than correct the mistake, some of the bank’s employees hatched a plot to withdraw the money, launder it through local currency exchanges, and deposit it in bank accounts abroad. The schemers offered to pay the man a 5% share, or $28 million, in exchange for his cooperation. He agreed.
Outcome: The conspirators spent a decade trying to figure out how to get the one billion reals out of the man’s account without alerting the bank. By the time the plot was broken up in 2007, the scheme had grown to include more than 150 people, including several government employees in three different Brazilian states. And in all that time, the plotters never did manage to withdraw any money from the man’s account. (It’s not even clear that the money ever really existed; it may have been nothing more than a typographical error on the letter the man received from the bank.)
Customer: Linda Parish, a 50-year-old grandmother living in Lower Earley, England
Bank Error: In June 2001, Parish, who works as a chauffeur, sold a home she owned for a £47,000 profit (about $67,000). On the advice of managers at her Lloyd’s TSB branch, she transferred the money into a high-interest savings account. But when Lloyd’s transferred the money into the new account, it neglected to subtract the same amount from the old account, giving Parish two accounts containing £47,000 instead of one.
What Happened: Parish promptly notified the bank of the error, but Lloyd’s TSB insisted that nothing was amiss. “The bank does not make mistakes,” an employee told her. Parish returned to the bank four more times to report the error, but was rebuffed each time. Her “little problem,” as bank employees called it, became a bit of a joke at the branch. When an internal review found that no mistake had been made, an exasperated bank employee told Parish, “Look, it’s your money, my dear. Spend it!”
So Parish spent it.
She used the money to pay off a mortgage on another property. That’s when Lloyd’s TSB realized they had indeed made an error…and that’s when they had Parish arrested for theft. And on top of demanding the £47,000 back, the bank wanted her to pay them an additional £25,000 (about $36,000) in interest, legal fees, and other costs.
Outcome: The judge threw out the criminal case after prosecutors decided “it was not in the public interest” to prosecute Parish, but she still had to pay back the £47,000 with interest, which she did by remortgaging her property. Lloyd’s waived its legal fees as a “gesture of goodwill,” but at last report the bank was still refusing to apologize for its mistake. “Mrs. Parish was aware the money in her account belonged to the bank but proceeded to withdraw the funds knowing they were not hers to spend,” says a Lloyd’s spokesperson. (Parish no longer banks with Lloyd’s TSB.)
SHUSH!
“It’s funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy, and community. Librarians have stood up to the PATRIOT Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.”
—Paula Poundstone
Age when driving skills start to decline: 65. Age when most people stop driving: 85.
DON’T CALL ME LIZ
In 2009 a lobbyist from JP Morgan Chase e-mailed the office of Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA) requesting a meeting. The recipient was Elizabeth Becton, the congressman’s scheduler. After a week, she still hadn’t responded. So the lobbyist wrote her again, and made one crucial mistake. Here’s the exchange.
From: [Name redacted—we’ll call him “Chase Lobbyist.”]
Hi Liz, Just checking in on whether the Congressman is available next week. Thank you! Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
Who is Liz?
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth, I thought you went by Liz, apologies if that’s incorrect. Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I thought you’d gone by Liz at Potlatch [a paper company]. My mistake. Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
NEVER. I hate that name.
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I must have mis-heard. My mistake! Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
Chase, if I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you. I think it’s rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name. This is a real sore spot with me. My name has a lot of “nicknames” which I don’t use. I use either my first name or my last name because I row with a lot of other women who share the same first name. Now, please do not ever call me by a nickname again.
Third caller to talk to Bill Clinton after he won the ’92 election: Whoopi Goldberg.
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry I offended you! My mistake! Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
Chase, sounds like you got played by someone who KNOWS I hate that name and that it’s a fast way to TICK me off. Who told you that I go by that name? They are not your friend…
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth, Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t want to cause trouble as I clearly must have mis-heard the person. It was in no way my intention to make you upset. Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
I REALLY want to know who told you to call me that.
_____________________________
From: Chase Lobbyist
Hi Elizabeth. Again, I am sincerely sorry. I don’t recall who I overheard. It was in no way my intention to upset you. Best, Chase
_____________________________
From: Elizabeth Becton
Let me put it this way, they don’t know me and perhaps they were PRETENDING to know me better than they do and pretended that I go by Liz. They did YOU a disservice. In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in DC. It's a pastime for some. It’s also dangerous to eavesdrop, as you have just found out. Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Elizabeth again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Elizabeth. Are we clear on this?
EPILOGUE: After the e-mail exchange was leaked to the press, McDermott’s spokesperson apologized for Becton’s behavior: “This is not reflective of the way we do business in this office.” (There were no reports on whether the meeting ever took place.)
Poll results: 14% of American men have had their credit card declined while on a date.
AMAZING ANAGRAMS
An anagram is when you rearrange the letters in a word or phrase to get a new word or phrase. Sometimes, the new phrase is a fitting commentary on the original phrase; sometimes it�
�s just funny.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA becomes… DINE OUT: TASTE A 'MAC, FRIES
TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA becomes…HUGE WATER TALE STUNS. END HAD YOU TENSE.
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS becomes… THE CON BITES MALE FLESH
THE AMERICAN DREAM becomes… MEET A DEAR, RICH MAN
RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER becomes… DEPLORED, HE IS THE ODDER RUNNER
WALTER CRONKITE becomes… NETWORK RECITAL
THE IRS becomes… THEIRS
MADAME CURIE becomes… ME? RADIUM ACE
NEW YORK YANKEES becomes… SNEAKY OWNER KEY
RICHARD MILHOUSE NIXON becomes… HIS CLIMAX RUINED HONOR
ROMEO AND JULIET becomes… ONE JILTED AMOUR
MICKEY AND MINNIE MOUSE becomes… KID MICE MEAN MONEY IN U.S.
THE GREAT DEPRESSION becomes… OH, DO I SEE GDP SHATTERER?
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY becomes… HI! BEHOLD BURLY GUY’S POT!
SLURPEE becomes… REPULSE
SPAM LUNCHEON MEAT becomes… MEANS CHUM ON PLATE
Wettest October in recorded American history: October 2009.
ACT YOUR AGE
There are many reasons why casting directors hire older actors to play teenagers. They might want more-experienced performers, or they may want to avoid child labor laws, for example. But sometimes they go a little bit too old.
MOVIES
• Grease. The four main characters in the 1978 movie were all supposed to be 18 years old. Actual ages of the actors: John Travolta (Danny) was 23, Olivia Newton-John (Sandy) was 29, Jeff Conaway (Kenickie) was 27, and Stockard Channing (Rizzo) was 33—nearly twice the age of the character she was playing.
• Sorority Boys. Stand-up comedian Harland Williams co-starred in this 2002 college comedy. His character is supposed to be around 21. Williams was 40.