No Regrets

by Mari Carr

  After nearly half an hour, she was completely frantic, wondering how she would get back and if anyone would miss her before nightfall.

  “Why do I get the feeling this always happens to me?”

  “Because,” a deep, familiar voice answered, “despite your amnesia, you seem to have a strong sense of who you are.”

  Relief enveloped her as she turned around to see Ben standing over her.

  He reached a hand down to help her up. “You seem to be somewhat clumsy, Vee.”

  “Clumsy?” She was insulted briefly, before realizing he was likely right. “Yeah, I think you’re right. How did you know where to find me?”

  With a slight smile and strange look in his eyes, he stepped aside and for the first time, she realized Chelsea was standing behind him. Delighted she hadn’t truly been deserted, she bent over to hug the tiny girl, all her weight supported on her one good leg.

  “Oh, Chelsea, I knew you’d never leave me. You sweet, sweet girl.” Vee felt the child go stiff in her arms at the unexpected embrace, but she refused to let go. The child needed love and she was going to see that she got it.

  “You’re my hero.” Vee pulled away, smiling down at her, then rose once more.

  Unfortunately, she forgot about her injured ankle and began to totter again, arms flailing, before Ben caught her and lifted her.

  A small smile, noticed by both Ben and Vee, broke out on Chelsea’s lips before she recalled herself. She stifled it quickly, turning and escaping deeper into the woods.

  “Did you see that?” Ben whispered with Vee in his arms.

  “She smiled.” Vee was overwhelmed with happiness. She was in Ben’s arms, and her clumsiness had made Chelsea smile. In fact, it had encouraged the girl to go to Ben for help. Not bad for a day’s work, and she hadn’t even had breakfast yet.

  Ben looked at her with something closely resembling awe.

  Taken aback by his wonder, she struggled for release. “You can put me down. I can walk back on my own if you don’t mind me leaning on you.”

  “Nonsense.” He started back toward the house. “I’ll carry you.”

  “Ben—”

  “And none of that foolishness about being too heavy.”

  “All right,” she conceded, since she was right where she wanted to be. “I’m probably lighter today anyway. I didn’t have much dinner last night.”

  Ben laughed and they continued along the path, each taking turns listing all the wonderful foods they wished they could have for dinner that night instead of the standard meat, cheese and bread fare.

  Vee sensed the beginning of a beautiful friendship blooming.

  The next few days passed in a timeless sort of quality. The swelling in her ankle was gone by the next morning, and she and Chelsea reached a silent truce. Each day they went for a long walk after breakfast, Vee talking about anything and everything they saw, while Chelsea observed in silence. She wasn’t able to provoke another smile from the girl, but she hadn’t given up trying.

  Ben worked all morning with the men from the village, making repairs to the house and stable. She and Chelsea helped the newly hired cook make a simple lunch for the men at noontime and then the entire household would eat al fresco in the grass under the tall trees at the front of the house, enjoying the lovely summer weather.

  Each afternoon, she and Chelsea would escape to the library, sitting for long hours. She read as the child looked at pictures in the books.

  Vee was convinced there was an intelligent mind inside the girl. Several times, she offered to read to her, but each time, Chelsea would scowl, pick up her book and leave the room.

  The evening meal was Vee’s favorite time as she and Ben would sit alone together and discuss the day. He told her about his repairs to the house and described his plans to begin breeding and training horses. Fascinated, she asked if he would teach her and Chelsea how to ride and he readily agreed.

  Sometimes they talked about what she was reading. She began to believe that somewhere in her past she had been educated and she was well read. Shakespeare’s plays and Byron’s poetry emerged as her new favorites since she couldn’t recall her old ones.

  Each night ended with the two of them sharing a brandy in the library, reading quietly by the fire until bedtime.

  True to his word, Ben didn’t attempt to kiss her again. She realized that it was foolish to hope for more than friendship from the duke’s son, and after several days of quiet contentment, she convinced herself that his pleasant companionship was enough to fill the void she felt without her memories.

  The one topic of conversation he no longer seemed willing to talk about was her past. Every time she mentioned her fear of never regaining her memory, Ben brushed the comment aside with a simple reassurance that it would return and if it didn’t, the past was the past. Every day when she asked if he’d received any word from London, he mumbled something about things taking time.

  After a few days of his vague comments, a small, niggling suspicion began to take root and grow in the back of her mind that he knew something about her identity he wasn’t telling her. Each time the thought appeared, she dismissed it, chastising herself for doubting Ben, who had been nothing but kind to her.

  Surely if he knew anything, he would tell her. After all, he knew how important it was to her that she discover her name and her place in life.

  To fill the black void that was her unknown past.

  Chapter 8

  V is for Visitor

  By the end of Vee’s first month in residence, daily life at Waterplace had taken on a stable, comfortable feel. Standing at the edge of the yard, Ben watched Vee attempt to master the sidesaddle. She’d been practicing for days and he had to admit, she was a terrible rider. In direct contrast to her unease atop a horse, Chelsea had taken to riding as a fish takes to water. Even now, she and Chelsea were circling the yard, Vee stiff and uncomfortable, Chelsea carefree and relaxed.

  He was amazed when he considered the difference one woman’s presence could make in a home. With Vee’s help, he’d managed to employ a gardener, two chambermaids, a young stable boy and he finally had the time to begin the interviewing process for the important position of head groom.

  Mrs. Henry was embracing her role of housekeeper now that she actually had servants to guide and organize, and Mr. Henry was pleased with his new role as the butler. Years of hard work had taken their toll on his body, and the older man was grateful for the opportunity to take on a job that was less physically challenging.

  The happiest event was the day he’d finally managed to retain a capable cook—a stout woman whose name, ironically, was Mrs. Cooke. The night he announced Mrs. Cooke’s employment, they had a miniature celebration and Vee, delighted with Mrs. Cooke’s name, renamed everyone in the house according to their roles. She’d teasingly referred to him as Mr. Dukeson and Chelsea as Miss Ponygirl. Mr. Henry became Mr. Butler and Mrs. Henry she simply referred to as Her Majesty, much to the housekeeper’s delight. It was the first time he’d seen a genuine smile cross Chelsea’s lips and stay there. Vee brought life and laughter to the house and, for that, he would be forever grateful.

  The greatest change she had wrought was in Chelsea. Although the child still wouldn’t speak and rarely smiled, she no longer hid. Following Vee’s lead, he began engaging in one-sided conversations with the child in an effort to set her at ease. No major bridges had been crossed in regards to their relationship, but for the first time since Chelsea’s arrival, he felt hope for their future together not simply as guardian and ward, but perhaps someday as father and daughter.

  His biggest success with the child came due to Vee’s simple behest. He’d purchased a mare and a pony and, true to his word, he gave the two females riding lessons.

  He was thrilled by Chelsea’s enthusiasm for it. The child was a natural equestrian and he was delighted to share his expertise with her. A love for horses was something they shared, and he rejoiced to see her smile when she thought no one was lo
oking. Twice in the past week, he’d spied her sneaking apples out to the stable, as she clearly adored her little pony.

  Sighing heavily, he considered all the things still left to do. His hunt for a governess hadn’t been as successful as his search for the other servants, but if he was truthful with himself, he hadn’t been looking very hard lately. Chelsea was at ease in Vee’s presence and his lovely ladybird, over the course of the last fortnight, had taken over all care for the girl herself. She fed, bathed and helped Chelsea dress, in addition to seeing to the child’s meals and tucking her into bed each night.

  Of course, Vee’s riding lessons, unlike Chelsea’s, were not as successful. She was clearly terrified of the horses, in spite of his assurances that they would not harm her.

  “Try not to sit so stiffly,” he coaxed.

  “I’m sitting stiffly because I am stiff,” she answered sharply. “We’ve been at this for days and my legs and bottom are crying in agony.”

  “You simply need to give your body time to become accustomed to the position. It will get easier.”

  “I don’t want it to get easier,” she said, a slight whine in her voice. “Why can’t I ride in the carriage behind the horse?”

  “Vee, we’ve been through this before. It’s not always practical. You need this skill.”

  “Why? Apparently, I’ve lived this much of my life without it.”

  Her words drove home her likely origins. It wouldn’t be uncommon for a prostitute to never have ridden a horse. It would have been more unlikely if she had. Horses were a commodity the lower classes couldn’t afford.

  His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of another horse approaching. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a tall man with light brown hair riding on a black gelding. He sat upon the seat with confidence. Ben could see he was an excellent horseman.

  “Ah, my afternoon interview.”

  “Another candidate for head groom?” Vee was aware of his frustration at not being able to find someone he felt worthy of the important position. He’d held several failed interviews in the past few days.

  “Yes. It looks like this one may have some promise. If you will excuse me, I’ll go join him. Do me a favor and take two more laps around the circle before you dismount? Practice makes perfect.” He turned away, but not before he caught her sticking her tongue out at what she thought was his back.

  “Tsk, tsk, tsk. That’s not very ladylike.” He looked back at her over his shoulder. “Just for that, perhaps we should make it four laps. Chelsea,” he called to the girl as she came up behind Vee. “Be a good girl and make sure Vee does all her laps, all right?”

  Chelsea nodded, grinning widely at his jest. He felt his heart go warm at her response until her smile quickly faded and her face went stark white. For the briefest of moments, sheer terror flash in her eyes.

  “Chelsea?” he asked.

  Vee turned at the anxious note in his voice and also noticed the girl’s pale complexion.

  “Chels,” she said, as the stranger interviewing for the job approached them.

  “Good afternoon,” the man said, studying the tableau before him.

  “Good afternoon.” Ben rode over to the man. “I’m Lord Benjamin Sinclair.” He held out his hand to the stranger.

  “Frank Prescott, milord. I’m here about the groom position.” He shook Ben’s hand.

  “Yes, if you’ll give me a moment.” Ben turned to look at Chelsea again. Her head was bowed and she looked as if she was in serious danger of becoming ill. He knew she was uncomfortable in the presence of strangers, but he’d never seen her respond like this.

  He rode back to Vee, who hadn’t taken her eyes off the young girl. “Vee.”

  She looked at him, her face full of concern. “I think I should take Chelsea back to her room. We’ve had enough riding for one day.”

  “I agree.” Ben dismounted. Reaching up he helped Vee off the horse, noticing that Mr. Prescott had also dismounted and was approaching Chelsea with the intention of assisting her. Chelsea, watching the man with fearful eyes, went stiff in the saddle, her small hands trembling violently on the reins.

  “Mr. Prescott.” Ben hurried past the man before he got any closer. “Why don’t you go on to the house? The butler will show you to my office and I will join you in a moment.”

  The man paused for an instant, his eyes still locked with Chelsea’s. “I was only trying to help the little lady.”

  Ben lifted Chelsea from the pony. “Yes,” he replied. “And I appreciate that. If you will go on to the house, I’ll be right there.”

  The man paused for a moment before turning abruptly, leading his horse back in the direction from which he’d come.

  Bending down, he looked at Chelsea’s ashen face. “Chelsea?” he asked, uncertain what had come over her.

  She refused to meet his eyes and he watched as the young girl slowly retreated back into herself as if the past few weeks had never happened. The blank, dead stare that had all but disappeared reappeared with a vengeance.

  “I’ll take care of her,” Vee said softly, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder. She had noticed Chelsea’s retreat as well.

  Rising, he sighed heavily, wondering if he would ever be able to do anything right for this child. Depressed, he nodded stiffly before heading back to the stable, leading Scout and Chelsea’s small pony. He watched Vee kneel in front of the small girl and heard her speaking in calming tones to the child.

  “Chelsea,” she said softly. “I know how much you’ve lost. But I want you to know that you can trust Lord Benjamin. He only wants the best for you, as do I.”

  His heart sank as Chelsea’s young face and eyes remained expressionless, an ability he had come to despise. Wordlessly, Chelsea ran off toward the woods. Vee, still in possession of her horse’s reins, couldn’t follow. Instead she turned toward him, her smile sad, yet hopeful.

  “Not to worry,” she said in her typically optimistic tone. “No doubt she’s just tired from all the riding. Things will look up tomorrow. Come on,” she continued. “I’ll help you with the horses, and then you have an interview to conduct.”

  Later that afternoon, Ben asked Vee to join him in the study.

  “How is Chelsea?”

  She shook her head solemnly. “I wish I knew. She’s still hiding in the woods. I haven’t seen her since our riding lesson.”

  “What the devil set her off? She was doing so well.” He couldn’t shake his frustration, upset by her retreat.

  “I know. Ben, perhaps it was foolish of us to expect so much so soon. She’s young and has suffered a great deal. It’s going to take time and patience. I know how much you’ve come to care for her. If nothing else, the last few days have proven there truly is a sweet little girl inside that frightened shell just waiting to break out.”

  Sighing heavily, he leaned back in his chair and considered her words. Somehow, she always managed to help him see the bright side of things in even the darkest situations. Quite frankly, he had long ago reached the end of his rope as to what to do for his young ward. Vee was the answer to a prayer as far as Chelsea was concerned.

  “Perhaps you’re right,” he said at last, feeling slightly more relaxed. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For helping me through the muddy waters of this guardianship. I fear I would still not be allowed anywhere near the child if you hadn’t been here to ease the way.”

  He realized the truth of his statement. Vee had brought the young girl out of the woods and back into the house. He’d learned, by Vee’s example, how to have a conversation with Chelsea, where before the two had lived in total silence.

  “You would have figured it out on your own, with or without me,” she said modestly. “So did you hire Mr. Prescott?”

  He grinned, amused by her ability to turn the topic away from herself, uncomfortable with praise of any sort.

  He let her escape this time. “Yes, I did. His references were impeccable and I was impress
ed with his horsemanship. He’s gone to retrieve his belongings from the inn where he stayed last night and will be back first thing in the morning.”

  “I suppose it was his initial appearance that spooked Chelsea.” Vee’s tone betrayed her uncertainty.

  “I must confess I thought twice about hiring him given Chelsea’s response. Do you think I was wrong?”

  “Oh, no,” she reassured him. “You said yourself she’s always been skittish around strangers, especially males. I’m sure she’ll warm up to Mr. Prescott, just as she has Mr. Henry, Jimmy and William.” William was the new footman and Jimmy the young stable boy. Vee had told Ben several nights ago she suspected Chelsea had actually developed a small crush on the affable chestnut-haired lad.

  “I’m sure you’re correct. Actually, I called you in here because it’s your situation I wanted to discuss.”

  Vee’s blood ran cold. She’d been waiting for this conversation for weeks. She was beginning to come to terms with the fact her memory may never return. She couldn’t expect Ben to allow her to continue living under his roof indefinitely. She’d already overstayed her welcome.

  Unfortunately, she didn’t know where she could go or what she could do to earn a living. Even without her memory, nothing around her was familiar, not the clothes she wore, the food she ate or the books she read. She’d had to figure out how to brush her teeth and during her woman’s time, Mrs. Henry, much to the embarrassment of them both, had to explain how she was to take care of her monthly flow. It all felt wrong, but she was at a loss to explain it, so she kept her feelings to herself.

  “I’ve been thinking as well,” she began. “I can’t begin to express my gratitude to you for all that you’ve done for me.”

  “Vee, it’s a pleasure having you—”

  “I realize that I can’t stay here much longer, but I was hoping perhaps you would give me a few more days to figure out where I can go.”

  “Go?” Ben asked, perplexed. “Do you mean leave? Here?”

  “I can’t impose upon you forever. You have enough responsibilities and I’m not one of them.” She crossed the room to the mantle, hoping he wouldn’t see her hands shaking. The thought of leaving the sanctuary of Waterplace frightened her more than she cared to admit.