by Aristophanes
AGATHON Why don’t you go yourself and make your own defence?
EURIPIDES Well, first of all I’m well known by sight. Secondly,
190 I’m old and white-haired and bearded. You, on the other hand, are good-looking, fair-complexioned and clean-shaven. You have a woman’s voice and a dainty manner – you’re pretty to look at.
AGATHON Euripides.
EURIPIDES Yes?
AGATHON Did you not write the line, ‘You love your life; your father loves his too’?28
EURIPIDES I did.
AGATHON Then why do you expect me to bear your misfortunes? I would be insane to do so. Your troubles are your own, and you must cope with them yourself. Misfortunes are not meant to be averted through cunning ruses; one must submit oneself to them.29
200 MNESILOCHUS You mean just as you, you filthy catamite, have a slack passage not from clever words but through submissive acts?
EURIPIDES Come, tell me honestly why you’re afraid to go.
AGATHON It would be even worse for me than you.
EURIPIDES Why?
AGATHON They think I snatch away their female sexual rights by poaching their nocturnal business.
MNESILOCHUS Poaching indeed! Letting yourself be buggered, more like! Still, it’s a fair excuse.
EURIPIDES Well, will you do it?
AGATHON Not on your life!
EURIPIDES O three times luckless me! Euripides is done for!
210MNESILOCHUS O dearest friend, my kinsman, don’t give up like this!
EURIPIDES But what can I do?
MNESILOCHUS Tell him to bugger off, and use me instead. I’ll do anything.
EURIPIDES [with new hope] Well, in that case, off with that cloak!
MNESILOCHUS [taking it off] There! What are you going to do to me?
EURIPIDES [indicating MNESILOCHUS’ beard] Shave all this off. [He peers under MNESILOCHUS’ tunic] The rest we’ll have to singe.
MNESILOCHUS [reluctantly] All right, if you have to. It’s my fault for offering.
EURIPIDES Agathon, you’ve always got a razor handy. Could you lend us one?
AGATHON Take one out of that razor case.
220EURIPIDES That’s kind of you. [To MNESILOCHUS] Now, sit down. Puff out your right cheek. [He starts to shave him.]
MNESILOCHUS Hey, that hurts! [He continues groaning and objecting.]
EURIPIDES Stop making such a fuss. I’ll have to gag you if you don’t settle down.
[MNESILOCHUS utters a wild howl and makes off.]
EURIPIDES Hey, where are you going?
MNESILOCHUS To the holy altar.30 I’m not going to stay here, so help me Demeter, to be hacked to pieces.
EURIPIDES Won’t you look a little odd with one shaved cheek?
MNESILOCHUS I don’t care.
EURIPIDES Now don’t let me down, I beg you. Come back here.
MNESILOCHUS [returning reluctantly] Oh dear, oh dear!
EURIPIDES [resuming the operation] Sit still, will you, and
230 keep your chin up. And stop fidgeting! [He takes hold of MNESILOCHUS’ nose, so as to shave his moustache.]
MNESILOCHUS Mh, mh!
EURIPIDES Stop whingeing, it’s all over now.
MNESILOCHUS I feel like a shaven recruit.31
EURIPIDES Don’t worry, you look rather attractive. [He picks up one of AGATHON’s mirrors.] Want to take a look at yourself?
MNESILOCHUS All right. [He takes one look at himself and thrusts the mirror away in horror.]
EURIPIDES Well?
MNESILOCHUS It’s not me, it’s… Cleisthenes!32
EURIPIDES Now stand up and bend over, I have to singe you.
MNESILOCHUS Oh no, I’ll be scorched like a suckling pig!
EURIPIDES [calling into the house] Will someone bring me out a torch or lamp? [A slave comes out with a blazing torch.] Bend over! [He takes the torch and begins the singeing operation.] Keep your todger out of the way!
240 MNESILOCHUS I’m trying to, but I’m on fire. Help! Water, water, quickly, before my backside catches fire too!
EURIPIDES Cheer up, it’s all over now.
MNESILOCHUS Cheer up? When I’m burnt to a frazzle?
EURIPIDES Nothing more to worry about. The worst is over.
MNESILOCHUS Phew! What a stink of soot. You’ve char-grilled my crotch!
EURIPIDES Don’t worry, someone will sponge it for you.
MNESILOCHUS Anyone who tries to wipe my arse will rue the day.
EURIPIDES Agathon, if you’re not prepared to help in person,
250 could you at least lend me a dress and a headband for my friend here? You can’t pretend you don’t possess such things.
AGATHON Yes, help yourself, use anything you like.
MNESILOCHUS Hm, which one shall I take?
EURIPIDES Here, put on this yellow gown.
MNESILOCHUS [burying his face in it] Ah, what a delicate scent of… cheesy pudendum!
EURIPIDES Come on, get it on.
MNESILOCHUS Pass me the girdle.
EURIPIDES Here you are.
MNESILOCHUS Help me will you, I can’t get this bit round the legs right.
[Between them they make a mess of things but eventually achieve an acceptable result.]
EURIPIDES Now we need a hairnet and a headdress.
AGATHON You can borrow this wig, if you like. I wear it at night.
EURIPIDES Oh yes, that’s exactly what we need.
[MNESILOCHUS puts the wig on.]
MNESILOCHUS Does it suit me?
260EURIPIDES You look fabulous. Now you want a shawl.
AGATHON You can have that one on the couch there.
EURIPIDES And shoes?
AGATHON Here you are, take these.
MNESILOCHUS Will they fit me, I wonder – you like a slack fit yourself.
AGATHON Only you can tell. Well, you’ve got everything you need, so would someone kindly wheel me in again.33
[He is wheeled in and EURIPIDES and MNESILOCHUS are left alone.]
EURIPIDES Well, you certainly look like a woman now. Just make sure you put on a feminine voice when you speak.
MNESILOCHUS [in a camp voice] I’ll do my best.
EURIPIDES Right, off you go.
MNESILOCHUS Wait! Not until you swear a solemn oath.
EURIPIDES To do what?
270MNESILOCHUS To come to the rescue, if anything happens to me – without fail.
EURIPIDES I swear by Ether, dwelling place of Zeus.34
MNESILOCHUS No, that won’t do. You might as well swear by a block of flats.35
EURIPIDES All right, I swear by all the blessèd gods.
MNESILOCHUS And remember: it was your heart that swore, not just your tongue. And I didn’t force you.36
[A babble of female voices is heard.]
EURIPIDES Hurry up, I can see the flag for the assembly going up over the temple. I’d better clear off.
[EURIPIDES departs as the women begin to arrive. The next scene follows without a break.]
Scene 2: The forecourt of the Temple of Demeter Thesmophoros.
[Women pour into the forecourt (the orchestra) and gather round the altar to deposit their offerings. Besides the CHORUS , the crowd includes MICA,37 a formidable woman and a SECOND WOMAN of anxious disposition, MICA is accompanied by two maids, one of whom carries a baby. MNESILOCHUS, conspicuous in his dubious disguise, mingles with the chattering throng and addresses an imaginary slave of his own. ]
280MNESILOCHUS Come along, Thratta,38 this way. Oh look, Thratta, look at all the smoke! What a lot of torches. [He approaches the altar, where numerous women are uttering prayers.] O beauteous Twain, receive me now, and may I be blessed with good fortune – both coming here and getting home. [He suddenly realizes that the women are placing offerings before the altar.] Oh, yes, Thratta, just put the basket down and take out the sacrificial cake so that I can offer it to the two goddesses. Beloved mistress Demeter, divine Persephone, grant that I may sacrifice to you often – or at leas
t get away with it this once. Show favour to my
290little ones. May my sweet little daughter, Fanny, find a rich-but-dim husband; and may my dear son, Willy,39 have brains and good sense, amen! Now I wonder where’s best to sit so that I can hear the speakers? You can go now, Thratta; slaves aren’t supposed to listen to the speeches.
[The CHORUS and the other women take their seats, and MNESILOCHUS places himself among them.]
CHORUS-LEADER40 Silence, silence! Pray you to Demeter and the Divine Maiden,41 the Holy Twain. Pray you to Pluto, and
300to the mother of all beauty, the fruitful nourishing Earth. Pray you to Hermes and the Graces, that this assembled congregation may in fair and seemly debate bring blessings to the city of Athens and haply to ourselves as well. And she who in act and speech best serves the people of Athens and the interests of women, may her words prevail. Pray you for
310 these things, and for blessing upon yourselves. Sing the paean, sing the paean, and lift up your hearts!
CHORUS
And may the gods rejoice also,
Appearing gladly among us,
And sanctify our prayers.
Come, mighty Zeus:
For great is your name.
Come, Apollo, Lord of holy Delos,
Bearing the golden lyre.
Come, bright-eyed Pallas, invincible maid,
For your spear is of gold
And your city was contested by the gods.42
320 Come, child of Leto, huntress of beasts:
Many are your names.
Come, dread Poseidon, ruler of the briny waves:
Forsake your deep hiding places
In the fish-filled, whirling sea.
Come from your streams and rivers, O Nereids;
And descend, you roaming Nymphs of the mountains.
May the strings of the golden lyre echo our prayers,
And may we the freeborn women of Athens
330 Delight the gods with our assembly.
CHORUS-LEADER
Now raise your voices and invoke the great Olympian gods
And goddesses, and call upon the mighty Delian gods
And goddesses, and supplicate the noble Pythian gods
And goddesses, and pray to all the other, lesser gods
And goddesses, that they will take this opportunity
To punish those who threaten this female community.
A curse upon the man who plans our enemies to please,
Or puts his lot in with the Persians or Euripides,43
Aspires to be a tyrant or to set one on the throne,
340 Or tells a woman’s husband that the baby’s not his own;
The maid who knows the very man when Mistress wants some fun,
But spills the beans to Master when a good night’s work is done;
The messenger who bears false tales; the lover who seduces
With talk of all the gifts he’ll bring, and then no gift produces;
The girl who takes his presents when he goes to her instead,
The hag who presses gifts on him to lure him to her bed;
And last of all the characters who meet with our displeasure,
The barman or the barmaid who serves us a short measure.
350 On these and on their houses may the wrath of heaven fall.
But otherwise we pray the gods will guard and bless us all.
CHORUS
We pray now for blessing
On people and state,
And on all that is said
In our solemn debate:
That she who speaks wisely
May carry the day,
And none play us false
Or our secrets betray.
On all who from motives
360 Of malice and greed
Dishonour the City,
Connive with the Mede,
Or basely endeavour
The laws to reverse,
We hereby pronounce
An appropriate curse;
And to Zeus our most humble
Petition we tender,
370 That our prayers may be valid
In spite of our gender.
CHORUS-LEADER All hear! [Reading] ‘At a meeting of the Women’s Council, held under the chairwomanship of Timoclea, with Lysilla as secretary, it was proposed by Sostrate that an assembly be held on the morning of the second day of the Thesmophoria, this being the least busy time, to decide what steps should be taken for punishing Euripides, who is unanimously agreed to be guilty.’ Who wishes to speak?
MICA [rising] I do.
380 CHORUS-LEADER [handing her the speaker’s garland] Put this on first. Silence, attention everyone. She’s clearing her throat just like orators do. I can see we’re in for a long speech.
MICA I assure you, ladies, my getting up to speak like this is not from any personal ambition, it’s just that I can no longer bear to sit by and see us women dragged through the mire by this cabbage-woman’s son44 Euripides. The things he says
390 about us! Is there any crime he has not accused us of? Wherever there’s a stage45 and a theatre full of punters, there he is, coming out with his slanders, calling us double-dealers, strumpets, boozers, cheats, gossips, bad eggs and a curse upon mankind. And naturally the men all come home after the play and give us suspicious looks, and start looking in all the cupboards for concealed lovers. A woman can’t do any of the things she used to in the old days. He’s filled our
400 husbands’ minds with such awful ideas. Why, if you just sit plaiting a wreath your husband thinks you must be in love with someone. And suppose you accidentally drop something about the house, he says: ‘Whom did she have in mind? It cannot be but ‘twas our guest from Corinth.’46 Or perhaps a girl isn’t feeling too well: in comes her brother and says, ‘Whence come these guilty flushes to thy cheek?’47 And another thing. Supposing a woman finds she can’t bear her husband a child. She’s got to produce one from somewhere, hasn’t she? What chance has she got with her husband sitting watching her the whole time? And what’s happened to all
410 the rich old men who used to marry young girls? Euripides has put them off completely with his ‘An old man weds a tyrant not a wife’.48 It’s because of him that they’ve started putting bolts and seals on the doors of the women’s quarters, and keeping those great Molossian dogs49 to scare off lovers. One might forgive him all this, but now we’re not even allowed a free hand on our own side of the house any more.
420 We can’t get at the flour or the oil or the wine. Our husbands carry the keys around with them – nasty complicated Laconian ones with triple teeth.50 In the old days you could get a ring made for three obols that would reseal any larder door in Athens, but now this home-wrecker Euripides has got them all wearing seals that look like pieces of worm-eaten wood. In conclusion, ladies, I feel that somehow or other we have got to devise a sticky end for him: perhaps by poison or
430 some other way.51 At any rate, he must die. That’s all I have to say in public. I’ll draw up a more detailed indictment with the secretary.
[She returns the garland to the CHORUS-LEADER and sits down, amid applause.]
CHORUS
I’ve never heard a woman speak
With such assurance and technique:
Such fine felicity of phrase
Is worthy of the highest praise.
It was no negligible feat
To think of arguments so neat;
She said exactly what was needed,
With each and every aspect heeded.
440 If, after wingèd words like these,
We had a speech by Xenocles,
Even this audience, I am sure,
Would find the man a dreadful bore.
[SECOND WOMAN rises to speak and is handed the garland.]
SECOND WOMAN I don’t want to say more than a few words. This lady seems to have covered everything very well. I would just like to tell you what I’ve been through myself. My husband died in Cyprus and left me with five young ch
ildren to look after; it was as much as I could do to keep them alive
450 by selling myrtle chaplets in the market. Then this man comes along and starts writing his tragedies, saying that there aren’t any gods.52 Now my trade’s gone down to half what it was. I tell you ladies one and all, that man ought to be punished for all he’s done; he’s so harsh to us. I suppose it comes of being brought up on his mother’s bitter potherbs. Well, I must be getting back to the market myself; I’ve got some gentlemen waiting for a special order of twenty wreaths.53
[She returns the garland and departs amid applause.]
CHORUS
Bravo! Did you ever
460 Hear phrases so clever,
A style so polished and neat?
Every word that she said
Hit the nail on the head:
A real oratorical treat!
In sensible terms
She broadly confirms
What we’ve hinted several times;
And now that his guilt
Is proved to the hilt,
The man must pay for his crimes.
[MNESILOCHUS now rises and assumes the garland.]
MNESILOCHUS Well, I’m not surprised, ladies, that you’re all feeling very annoyed with Euripides, after hearing all this
470 about him. I expect you’re seething with indignation. Personally I can’t stand the man – I swear on my children’s lives. Still, let us all be frank with one another. For we’re alone, with no outsider present. Why is it that we blame him for these things,54 getting so worked up, when all he’s done is mention two or three of our little tricks? There are thousands of other things he doesn’t know about. Take me, for instance, not to mention anyone else, I’ve done so many terrible things. I think the worst was when I’d been married just three days.
480 My husband was sound asleep beside me, when an old friend – you know, seduced me when I was little – came tapping ever so lightly on the door because he was feeling frisky. I knew who it was straightaway. So I started creeping downstairs, and suddenly my husband called out, ‘Where are you going?’ ‘It’s my tummy,’ I said, ‘it really hurts – it’s churning inside. I’m just going out to the toilet.’ ‘All right,’ he said, and started pounding up some dill and sage and juniper to cure my indigestion. Meanwhile I got some water to stop the door creaking, and went out to lover boy. And, boy, was he
490 good! He did me from behind as I held on to a laurel bush by the altar of Apollo.55 Now Euripides has never said anything about that! Nor about how we let ourselves be rogered by slaves and mule-drivers when there’s no one better. And what about that trick of chewing a bit of garlic in the morning, when you’ve had a bit of fun? The man of the house comes home from Wall Duty, takes one sniff and says, ‘Well, she can’t have been up to any mischief this time.’56 Euripides has never mentioned that either. If he wants to rail about Phaedra, let him, I say. He’s never said a word about the