by Aristophanes
500 woman who spread her skirt out wide to show her husband how nice it looked in the sunlight, while smuggling her boyfriend out underneath it. I know another woman who claimed to be in labour for ten days because she couldn’t get hold of a baby. Her husband went all round town buying medicines to speed things up. In the end the old midwife managed to find a baby and brought it home in a jar, with its mouth bunged up with beeswax to stop it yelling; and when the old woman gives her the nod, the wife calls out to
510 her husband, ‘Go away, go away, it’s starting!’ He trots off delighted; they pull out the baby, unbung its mouth and the baby cries. The sly old midwife runs off to the husband, beaming, and says, ‘It’s a boy, a real lion of a boy, the image of his father, even down to his little winkle – the same bend halfway along.’57 I ask you, ladies, do we do these things? Of course we do. Why be so angry with Euripides? We suffer nothing worse than we deserve.58
[A murmur of indignation breaks out.]
CHORUS
520 Where did this creature come from?
I’m shocked, amazed, distressed.
I didn’t think I’d ever hear
Such sentiments expressed.
To say such things in public –
I don’t know how she dared!
Well, there it is – it goes to show
One has to be prepared.
What says the ancient proverb?
‘Be careful when you tread;
Wherever you walk an orator
530 May rear his ugly head.’59
CHORUS-LEADER There’s nothing quite so loathsome as a shameless woman – except, of course, the rest of womankind.
[There is an awkward silence. Everybody looks at MNESILOCHUS. Eventually MICA springs to her feet.]
MICA Women, women, are you thinking straight? What has come over you, are you bewitched? Are you going to let this outrageous woman stand here and insult us all? All right, if no one else will help, my maids and I will deal with her ourselves. Let’s pluck her bush and singe her so that she learns that a woman doesn’t criticize her fellow women.
540 MNESILOCHUS Not my bush, I beg you, please! Listen to me, ladies: every woman here has the right to free speech. Just because I tell you the truth about Euripides, do I have to be plucked and singed?
MICA Do you expect to get away with this, when you have the nerve to stand up for that man? A man who goes out of his way to choose plots with bad women in them? It’s always Melanippe or Phaedra – he never writes a play about a virtuous woman like Penelope.60
MNESILOCHUS And I know why. There aren’t any women like
550 Penelope these days, they’re Phaedras to a woman.
MICA There she goes again, the bitch! Do you hear what she’s saying about us all?
MNESILOCHUS I haven’t finished yet, not by a long chalk. Shall I tell you what else I know?
MICA You’ve spilt all the beans already. There can’t be anything left to tell.
MNESILOCHUS Oh yes there is! You haven’t heard the thousandth part of it yet. Did Euripides ever mention our latest scheme for tapping the wine jar? You know, with those long-handled things you have in the bath, to scratch your back with.
MICA This is scandalous!
MNESILOCHUS Or how we give the meat from the Apaturia61 to our pimps, and then blame the cat?
MICA Outrageous!
MNESILOCHUS He never let on about the woman who killed
560 her husband with an axe; or the one who gave her husband a drug that sent him mad;62 or the woman from Acharnae who buried her father –
MICA Shame on you!
MNESILOCHUS – under the hot-water tank in the kitchen.
MICA This is insufferable!
MNESILOCHUS [pointing to MICA] And he never let on about you, did he? How you had a girl and your maid had a boy, and you changed them round and passed the boy off as yours?
MICA You won’t get away with saying such things! I’ll tear your hairs out!
MNESILOCHUS Keep you hands off me!
MICA Come on, then!
MNESILOCHUS Come on, then!
MICA Hold this, Philista.
MNESILOCHUS Just you lay a finger on me and, by Artemis, I’ll…
MICA You’ll what?
570 MNESILOCHUS I’ll make you shit out that seedcake I saw you eat.63
CHORUS-LEADER Stop squabbling! A woman has just turned up. In a great hurry by the look of it. If everyone settles down before she gets here, we can receive her in an orderly fashion and find out what she has to say.
[The newcomer is not a woman but CLEISTHENES dressed in women’s clothing. He hurries in breathless with excitement.64]
CLEISTHENES Dear ladies, kindred souls to my persuasion. That I am a friend to you my hairless cheeks attest. I adore you all, and always try to protect your interests. Just now I’ve heard a vitally important piece of news. They were all talking about it in the marketplace. I’ve come straight here
580 to warn you: you must stay on full alert, be on your guard, or else a grievous situation may befall you.
CHORUS-LEADER What is it, child? It’s fair to call you ‘child’, especially as you have such smooth cheeks.
CLEISTHENES They say Euripides has sent an old man up here today, a relative of his.
CHORUS-LEADER But what exactly does he have in mind?
CLEISTHENES To listen secretly to what you say and find out what it is you mean to do.
CHORUS-LEADER You really think a man could hide amid us women?
590 CLEISTHENES Euripides has plucked the man and singed his hairs, and dressed him up as a woman.
MNESILOCHUS Do you believe such a preposterous story? I ask you – what man would be so stupid as to let himself be singed? I don’t believe a word of it, by the Holy Twain.
CLEISTHENES You’re mistaken. Do you think I’d have come here, unless I had it on the best authority?
CHORUS-LEADER This is a most disturbing piece of news. Ladies, there’s not a moment to be lost. He must have been
600 amongst us all this time; we must find out at once where he’s been hiding. If you, kind patron, help us to expose him, we’ll be indebted to you all the more.
CLEISTHENES Well, let me see now. [Picking on MICA] Who are you?
MNESILOCHUS [aside] What shall I do?
CLEISTHENES [still to MICA] You’ll all have to be questioned.
MNESILOCHUS [aside] Oh no, I’m doomed!
MICA I’m the wife of Cleonymus,65 if you must know.
CLEISTHENES [to the CHORUS] Do you know this woman?
CHORUS-LEADER Yes, yes, we know her. Go on to the others.
CLEISTHENES Who’s this woman with the baby?
MICA She’s my nursemaid.
[It is now the turn of MNESILOCHUS.]
MNESILOCHUS [aside] I’m done for! [He starts to slope off.]
610CLEISTHENES You there, where are you off to? Stop! What’s the matter?
MNESILOCHUS I need to pee.
[CLEISTHENES starts to accompany him.]
You shameless man!
CLEISTHENES All right, go on. I’ll wait here.
CHORUS-LEADER Yes, wait there, and make sure she comes back. She’s the only one we don’t really know.
CLEISTHENES You’re passing rather a lot of water, aren’t you?
MNESILOCHUS [offstage] It’s that cress I had yesterday – makes you terribly retentive.
CLEISTHENES Stop gibbering about cress, and come back here!
MNESILOCHUS [returning] Don’t maul me. Can’t you see I’m not well?
CLEISTHENES So, who’s your husband?
620MNESILOCHUS My husband? Yes, ahem. He’s – you know, old What’s-his-Name, up at Cothocidae.66
CLEISTHENES Old What’s-his-Name? Which one?
MNESILOCHUS Oh, old What’s-his-Name, son of What’s-his-Face!
CLEISTHENES What absolute twaddle! Have you been here before?
MNESILOCHUS I’ve been coming for years.
CLEISTHENES Who’s
your tent-partner?
MNESILOCHUS Oh, er – What’s-her-Name, you know. [Aside] Oh dear!
CLEISTHENES You’re talking nonsense.
MICA Leave her to me. I’ll question her in detail about the rites we performed last year. If you could stand aside, as you’re a man – of sorts. [To MNESILOCHUS] Now, tell me, what sacred rite came first?
630MNESILOCHUS Let me see now, what did we do first? [Suddenly inspired] Why, we drank.
MICA All right. And what did we do after that?
MNESILOCHUS [pausing for thought] We drank again.
MICA Someone’s been telling you! What happened after that?
MNESILOCHUS Xenylla asked for a basin because there wasn’t a piss-pot.
MICA Wrong! Cleisthenes, come here, I’ve found our man!
[CLEISTHENES returns.]
CLEISTHENES What shall I do with him?
MICA Strip him. He’s been saying the most dreadful things.
MNESILOCHUS Surely, you wouldn’t strip a mother of nine!
CLEISTHENES Off with that girdle, quick!
[MNESILOCHUS’ girdle is removed and the upper half of his robe falls, but he continues to clutch the lower half. CLEISTHENES and MICA inspect his torso.]
MICA She’s very strong and muscular for a woman. And, look
640 – she doesn’t have breasts like ours.
MNESILOCHUS That’s because I’m barren – I’ve never had a baby.
MICA A moment ago you were a mother of nine.
[CLEISTHENES now manages to remove the lower part of MNESILOCHUS’ clothing, MNESILOCHUS bends over in a bid to conceal his manhood.]
CLEISTHENES Stand up straight!
[MNESILOCHUS stands up with legs slightly crossed in a mincing pose. CLEISTHENES and MICA look for proof of his gender.]
Where’s his… thing? He’s hidden it!
MICA [lifting the robe at the rear] Ooh! He’s pushed it through to the back. A nice one too!
CLEISTHENES Where? I can’t see it.
MICA It’s back at the front again.
CLEISTHENES [lifting the robe at the front] No, it isn’t.
MICA Oh no, it’s here again.
CLEISTHENES What is this? He’s sending his old chap back and forth like a shuttle service across the Isthmus?67
MICA The filthy devil! To think he was abusing us and defending Euripides!
650MNESILOCHUS [aside] This is a fine mess I’ve got myself into!
MICA What shall we do with him?
CLEISTHENES Keep him guarded, and see that he doesn’t escape. I’ll go and inform the Council right away.
[CLEISTHENES departs. MICA and her maids stand guard over MNESILOCHUS as the CHORUS prepare for the Torch Dance.]
CHORUS-LEADER
Come and light your torches,
Quickly don’t delay!
Hitch your skirts up boldly,
Cast your cloaks away.
Run and search the hillside!
660 Flit without a sound
Through the tents and gangways,
In between and round.
Prying, peeping, peering
Everywhere you can:
Any nook or cranny
May conceal a man!
Hurry now, and form a circle: cover every inch of ground;
If another male is lurking, track him down, he must be found!
[The CHORUS, having lit their torches at the altar, form a circle, and the dance begins.]
CHORUS
If any other man has dared
To desecrate our Mysteries,
His punishment, once he is found,
Will be the worst in history.
670 The story of his gruesome fate
Will serve to teach society
The perils that attend upon
The practice of impiety.
The man who fails to lead a life
Of strict religiosity,
Neglects his pious duties or
680 Commits some grave atrocity,
Is apt to find himself held up
Before the whole community
To prove that gods are gods and none
Can slight them with impunity.
CHORUS-LEADER
Now, I think, we have examined every corner carefully.
And we haven’t seen another man amongst us secretly.
[MNESILOCHUS suddenly snatches MICA’s ‘baby’68 and runs to the altar.]
690 MICA Hey, where are you going? Hey, you, stop! Oh! He’s taken my baby! Snatched it from my very breast!
MNESILOCHUS Scream away! You’ll never feed this child again, unless you let me go. [He picks up the sacrificial knife from the altar.] I shall engrave its limbs with this my knife, and stain the altar with its bleeding veins.69
MICA Oh, no, for pity’s sake! You women, help me! Raise the alarm, set up a trophy – do something! Don’t stand by and see me robbed of my only child!
700 CHORUS Help us, help us, what an outrage!
Holy Fates, what’s this I see?
Friends, I ask you, have you ever
Witnessed such audacity?
Evil deeds could go no further.
MNESILOCHUS I’ll soon stop your stubborn game.
MICA He has snatched my precious baby.
CHORUS Has the man no sense of shame?
MNESILOCHUS Even so I’ll stop at nothing.
710 MICA But you will not get away!
You’ll not live to tell the story
Of the wrongs you did this day.
MNESILOCHUS There I hope you are mistaken.
CHORUS Foolish man, you hope in vain.
Do you think the gods will aid you?
Give the infant back again.
MNESILOCHUS No, I never will release her.
CHORUS We shall have our vengeance soon:
For your wrongs we shall repay you,
720 Then, perhaps, you’ll change your tune.
Raise your torches, build a bonfire,
Pile the brushwood round his feet!
Let him be incinerated!
Then revenge will be complete.
MICA [to the NURSEMAID] Come on, Mania, let’s fetch some kindling. [To MNESILOCHUS] I’m going to have you burnt to a cinder.
[MICA and her NURSEMAID go off.]
730 MNESILOCHUS [calling after them] That’s right, roast me alive, barbecue me! [To the ‘baby’.] As for you, little one, let’s take off these Cretan clothes and have a look at you. [He starts to unwrap the ‘baby’.] You must die, but it’s all your mother’s fault – what’s this? It isn’t a baby at all – it’s a full skin of wine, complete with Persian booties!70
Oh women, women, ever thirsting after booze!
Forever plotting to find more through some new ruse.
To all mankind, and all his worldly goods, a curse –
A blessing only to the tavern-keeper’s purse.
[MICA and the NURSEMAID return with their arms full of brushwood. MNESILOCHUS partially rewraps the ‘baby’.]
MICA [dumping her load] Pile up the kindling, Mania, we need lots and lots.
740 MNESILOCHUS Yes, pile it up. But tell me something. You say this is your child?
MICA I should know, I carried it nine months.
MNESILOCHUS You carried this?
MICA Yes, by Artemis.
MNESILOCHUS How big is it, a pint?
MICA What have you done? You shameful man, you’ve undressed my baby! The poor little thing!
MNESILOCHUS Little!
MICA She’s tiny.
MNESILOCHUS Why, she must be getting on for three or four festival years!71
MICA Four, last Dionysia. Give her back to me!
MNESILOCHUS Never!
MICA Then you must burn.
MNESILOCHUS All right, burn me. But meanwhile I shall
750 slaughter the victim.
MICA No, no, I beg you! Do what you like to me instead.
MNESILOCHUS Could a mother’s love go any further? All the same, I’m
going to slay the victim.72 [He plunges the knife into the skin.]
MICA My child, my child! Quick, Mania, give me the bowl so that I can at least catch my baby’s blood.
MNESILOCHUS Hold it out, then, I won’t begrudge you that. [MICA holds out the bowl but he drinks the lot without spilling any.]
MICA You mean, selfish, spiteful man!
MNESILOCHUS This skin is for the priestess.
[Enter CRITYLLA.]
CRITYLLA What’s for the priestess?
MNESILOCHUS This. Catch! [He tosses her the empty wineskin.]
760 CRITYLLA Oh, my poor Mica, you’ve lost your precious daughter. She is utterly drained. Who did this?
MICA This criminal here. But since you’re here, would you stay and keep an eye on him while I go and catch Cleisthenes: the Council must be informed of this.
[MICA and her maids go off.]
MNESILOCHUS [soliloquizing] What path to safety is there left to me? What stratagem, what exit? Oh, it was my kinsman who first put me in these straits! But where is he? How can I
770 send him word? I know! A trick from one of his own plays – Palamedesl73 I’ll write a message on oar-blades. [He looks round hopefully.] Damn, there don’t seem to be any oar-blades. Now where, oh where, can I find oar-blades… I’ve got it! These votive tablets are made of wood – they’re perfect! [He takes a number of tablets from the temple wall and starts carving letters on them with the sacrificial knife, singing as he works.]
O hands assist me if you can
To bring about this daring plan:
Upon these wooden plaques we’ll send
An urgent message to our friend.
Sweet tablets, on your backs allow
780 My knife its furrowed track to plough.
‘E’, ‘U’, then ‘R’ – just one last hack –
Quite easy, once you’ve got the knack.
And now, dear tablets, if you please
Fly quickly to Euripides:
Fly you, and you! Fly left and right!
Apprise him of my hopeless plight.74
[Having scattered his tablets MNESILOCHUS sits down forlornly to await the arrival of Euripides, CRITYLLA settles down to guard him. The CHORUS-LEADER now steps forward and addresses the audience.]