by Joy Argento
Derrick’s tone changed. He no longer tried to calmly explain. He switched to defensive mode.
“You don’t get to plan my life for me. I’m old enough to make my own plans and decisions. I’ve decided to marry Erin and that’s what I’m going to do. I was really hoping that you would support us on this. But you aren’t going to change my mind.”
Hope suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Please, dear God, don’t let my son go through what I did. Don’t let him make the same mistakes. Please let me find the right words to say to him to make him understand.
Hope closed her eyes and rubbed her temples in an attempt to compose herself. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and looked directly at Derrick. “You are making the biggest mistake of your life.”
She saw her son’s face turn a deep shade of red. “It’s my life and I am going to live it the way I want to.” He raised his voice to his mother, something he hadn’t done since he was six years old. “I am going to marry Erin and we are going to have this baby. There isn’t anything you are going to say that is going to change my mind.” He stormed out of the kitchen and out the front door. It slammed behind him.
Hope stared after him. Her world imploded in the blink of an eye. Her son was about to ruin his life and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing.
Chapter 23
Carrie knocked again, wondering why Hope wasn’t answering the door. Her car was in the driveway. Carrie started to get worried. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket to call Hope when the door opened.
“Hi,” Carrie said as she entered the house. She noticed that Hope had been crying. “What’s wrong?” Carrie put her arm around Hope’s shoulder as they walked to the living room.
“My son. My son is what’s wrong.” Hope sat heavily on the couch.
“What’s wrong with Derrick?” Carrie asked, sitting down next to Hope. “Is he okay?”
“That depends on what you mean by okay. He is about to throw his life away. He won’t listen to me at all.”
Carrie could clearly see that Hope was very upset, but still wasn’t sure what the problem was. When Hope didn’t continue on her own, Carrie asked, “What is he doing?”
“He’s getting married,” Hope said. She reached for the box of tissues on the arm of the couch and wiped her nose.
“Oh, my God, is that all? You had me scared that it was something really bad or serious.” Carrie smiled and patted Hope’s knee.
Hope stared at her. “This is really bad and serious. My son is about to throw his life away because he got some girl pregnant.” She shook her head.
“Who did he get pregnant?” Carrie asked, not sure what else to say.
Hope was suddenly angry. “Erin,” she said with some force. “Who do you think it would be?”
“Well, the way you said…never mind. Okay, so Erin is pregnant and they plan on getting married?”
“Yes. He is much too young to get married. He is making a big mistake. I should know, it’s exactly what I did.”
“I know that you went through a lot of stuff, honey and that you’re worried about him, but maybe it isn’t the same for him.” Carrie put a comforting arm around Hope, but Hope shook it off.
“What do you know about it,” she said in a high-pitched voice. “This is going to ruin his whole life. This changes everything. You don’t understand at all.”
Carries face showed her confusion. She was speechless for several seconds. “Hope,” she said when she found her voice again, “let’s calm down here a little and talk about this.”
“Will everyone just stop telling me to calm down. I will not calm down. I really don’t want to talk about this right now. I think you should go.” Hope stood up.
Carrie remained seated and looked up at Hope, her mouth agape in surprise. “What? We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I wanted to spend the evening with you. I don’t want to go.”
Without meeting her eyes Hope said. “I need to be alone. Please go. I’ll call you later.” When Carrie made no move towards leaving, Hope turned to her. “Please, Carrie.”
Without a word, Carrie got up and walked to the door. She opened it and turned back to Hope. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She wasn’t sure how to handle this. She left without saying anything else, and closed the door behind her.
Chapter 24
Carrie didn’t hear from Hope at all the rest of that day. She picked up the phone several times, but hung it up without dialing. She would just give Hope time to calm down and wait for her to call.
She got very little sleep that night, tossing and turning with bits and pieces of bad dreams drifting though her mind. She finally fell into a sound sleep at five o’clock in the morning. That sleep was shattered by the sound of her cell phone ringing.
Carrie looked at the clock. Six-thirty. Who would be calling her at six-thirty in the morning? Hope? It must be Hope. She picked up her phone from the nightstand and blinked to try to force her eyes into focus. She pressed the talk button on the phone and put it up to her ear.
“Carrie?” It was her mother. Instantly Carrie was awake.
“Mom. Mom what is it? Is it Gram? Did something happen to Gram?” She sat up in bed, suddenly alert
“The nursing home just called me. She has pneumonia. It isn’t good when a person in a coma has pneumonia.” She could hear the tears in her mother’s voice.
“What can we do, Mom? What are we suppose to do?”
“There’s nothing we can do. They moved her from the nursing home back to the hospital. They are trying to keep her comfortable and get it under control. I just thought you should know. I’m going to call your brothers as soon as I hang up from you.”
“Okay, Mom thanks for letting me know. I’m going to get dressed and go see her before I go to work. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yes. I thought you would want to go see her. She’s on the fourth floor. Call me when you get a break at work later. Bye, honey.”
“Bye, Mom.” Carrie pushed back the covers. She didn’t bother making the bed. She went into the bathroom and went through her morning routine as quickly as she could. She changed out of her pajamas and into her casual work clothes and headed out the door.
*****
Twenty-five minutes later, Carrie pushed open the door to her grandmother’s hospital room. She could tell immediately that there was a change in her grandmother. The sound of Gram’s breathing was labored and IV hung by her bed with a tube attached to her arm.
The main overhead light in the room was turned off. A light attached to the wall above the bed’s headboard dimly lit the room. Carrie walked to the windows and pulled cord on the blinds to let in some of the morning light.
Carrie sat on the side of the bed and picked up her grandmother’s hand and held it between her own. She reached over and smoothed out the old woman’s hair. Carrie thought about how old and frail her grandmother looked lying in this bed, so helpless. This was not the woman that she knew. Not the woman that she had grown up with.
Carrie sat for a long time, just looking and watching her grandmother breathe. One harsh breath in, one harsh breath out.
Carrie pulled the covers back gently on one side of the bed. She slipped onto the bed next to her grandmother careful not to disturb the IV line and wrapped her arms around her. “Grammie,” she said softly into her grandmother’s ear. “Grammie, I want you to wake up and talk to me. I want you to wake up and tell me a story about when you were a little girl and you used to skinny dip in the river, or about the time your brother Albert put a frog down your back. I miss you, Grammie.” Carrie let sad angry tears slide down her cheeks. They felt cool on her hot skin. “But, I know that’s not going to happen. So I want you to be able to leave here. I want to tell you it’s okay to leave us now. I’ll take care of Mom. I promise. It can’t be much fun for you just hanging out like this. It’s time to go join your mother and father again, and grandpa. I know you’ve missed him an awful
lot since he died. I’m sure he’s missed you, too. I know he’s waiting for you, Grammie.”
Carrie paused to let a small sob escape. The tears filling Carrie’s eyes made her grandmother look bleary, as if in a dream. “It’s time to stop fighting this. I love you and I will miss you, always. I couldn’t have asked for a better grandma or a better friend. But I want you to be happy and free again, and you can’t do that here. So, please Grammie. Please go.” Carrie continued to cry softly. The tears fell on the pillow and on her grandmother’s shoulder. She reminded in that position for a long while, just holding onto the little bit of life that was still her beloved grandmother.
*****
Carrie had a lot of trouble keeping her mind on work. She arrived late after spending two hours with her grandmother that morning. Now her mind vacillated between her grandmother taking a turn for the worse and the argument with Hope the day before. She still wasn’t sure what had happened there, and why Hope had gotten so upset with her.
She wanted so badly to call Hope and tell her about Gram, but she didn’t. She would just give Hope some time. She’ll call me when she’s ready. But, please Hope, please don’t take too long, Carrie thought.
Carrie felt like she was sleepwalking through her day. She paid no attention at the managers meeting before lunch. She made a cursory tour of the warehouse and spoke briefly to Frank, the head of security. The rest of the day she spent in her office.
Carrie tried to get some work done, but just ended up staring at her computer screen until the screen saver kicked in. She made two phone calls to the hospital to check on her grandmother. There was no change. Carrie felt helpless and restless…and alone.
*****
Hope did her best to keep a smile on her face while she made small talk with her co-workers and patients. Her thoughts wandered constantly and she fought to bring them back to the task at hand. She needed to pay attention as she scraped the tartar from an elderly woman’s teeth. She wasn’t sure she would make it through the day.
Hope was convinced that Derrick was making a mistake. She had gotten married far too young and now she felt her son was doing the same thing. And she had yelled at Carrie about it. Carrie didn’t deserve that. She took her anger and fear out on Carrie, the woman she loved. She needed to make that right. She pushed the though of Carrie momentarily away and continued to scrape the teeth in front of her.
Her brain wouldn’t stay on the task at hand and within moments her thoughts went back to her son. She had to figure out a way to stop Derrick from getting married. Hope wanted what was best for her son and for Erin for that matter. Getting married would force them into a situation that they didn’t want…into a life that they didn’t want. It would stop them from pursuing the lives they deserved. It would limit their choices. Just like it had limited hers. She had spent nineteen years in a life that stifled her, that held her back and that stopped her from being who she was.
Hope stopped scraping at the tartar and stared into space. The patient, mouth opened wide, looked at her. It took another moment for Hope to realize that she had a person sitting in front of her waiting for her teeth to be cleaned. “Sorry,” Hope said and went back to work on the woman’s teeth.
Oh my God, she thought. I am projecting all of my own feelings onto Derrick and Erin. They are going to have a baby and they love each other. They are trying to do the right thing. Instead of supporting my son I am pushing him away. I can’t protect him by rejecting him.
“Rinse and spit, Mrs. Peters,” Hope told the patient. “You’re all set with your cleaning. Doctor Jenkins will be here in a few minutes to take a look at your teeth.”
The old woman nodded. Hope left the room and stuck her head into the dentist’s office down the hall.
“Mrs. Peters is ready for her exam in room two,” she told him as he sat at his desk working on his computer. He waved his hand in the air. Hope knew that meant that he would meet her in the exam room in a few minutes.
Hope stepped into the break room. She sat at the table facing the open door so she could see when Doctor Jenkins passed by on his way to the patient. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Carrie’s number.
Carrie answered on the second ring. “Hello.”
“I am such an ass,” Hope said as soon as she heard Carrie’s voice. “I am so sorry.” There was silence for several moments. “Carrie?” Hope said. She heard a sound and knew that Carrie was crying. “Carrie?” she repeated. “Please talk to me.”
“My grandmother has pneumonia,” Carrie told her. “She isn’t doing good.”
“Oh honey, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you. What can I do?” Hope said, the feeling of guilt washing over her.
“There isn’t anything anyone can do. I was there with her this morning and I’m going to go back after work and meeting my mother there.”
“Do you want me to go to the nursing home with you?”
“They moved her back to the hospital. There really isn’t anything you can do there. But…” Carrie hesitated.
“What? Just tell me. I’ll do anything for you,” Hope said.
“Can you come over to my house tonight? I just want to be with you.”
Hope saw the doctor walk by the room on the way to examine Mrs. Peter’s teeth. “Of course I’ll come over. I’ll be there by the time you get home from visiting your grandmother. I’ll stop and pick up subs. All right?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course. I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you later. Call and leave a message if you need me. I love you, Carrie.”
“I love you, too. I’ll see you later. Bye.”
“Bye,” Hope said and hung up. She slipped the phone back into her pocket and headed to room two.
*****
Hope let herself into Carrie’s house using the garage door code Carrie had given her the week before. She went into the kitchen and placed the subs on the table. In the living room she sat and waited for Carrie.
While Hope waited she knew there was one more phone call that she needed to make that day. She had purposely waited to call Derrick so she had time compose herself and to be sure of what she wanted to say. She took her cell phone from her purse and held it in her hand for several seconds before punching in his number.
The phone rang several times before going to voice mail. Hope cleared her throat before leaving a message. “Hi, Derrick, it’s Mom. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for reacting so strongly yesterday and I would like to be able to talk to you and Erin about this calmly. Please give me a call back so we can figure out when we can get together to talk.” She paused before adding. “I love you, Derrick.”
Hope put her phone on the coffee table and dug through her purse again. She pulled out a small notebook and opened it to a blank page and began to compose a poem while she waited for Carrie. She found writing to be soothing. She had worked for about thirty minutes when she heard Carrie pull into the driveway.
Hope got up to meet her at the door. She pulled Carrie into a tight hug as she stepped into the house. “I am so sorry,” she whispered into her ear. Hope gave Carrie a kiss on the cheek and helped her off with her coat.
They walked hand in hand to the kitchen as Hope asked. “How is your grandmother? Any change?”
“She isn’t doing well at all.” Carrie looked into Hope’s brown eyes. “This morning I told her she should stop fighting this and go.” Carrie’s tears streamed down her face. “I told her it was okay to die.”
Hope swept Carrie into her arms and held her, gently stroking her hair. “It’s all right, baby. It’s all right.” Carrie sobbed into Hope’s shoulder for a few minutes before composing herself.
“Thank you for being here,” Carrie told her. She waved toward the subs that Hope had set on the table earlier. “If you want to put those on plates, I am going to go into the bathroom and clean up a little. I need to wash my face.”
“Of course, honey. Do what ever you need to do. I’ll ge
t this ready.” Hope got two plates down from the cupboard and unwrapped the subs. She put half a sub onto each plate, and added a handful of potato chips from the bag she found on the counter. Hope wrapped up the second half of each sandwich and put them in the refrigerator. She brought each plate with several napkins into the living room.
She returned to the kitchen just as Carrie returned from the bathroom. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink,” Hope said. “Did you want a glass of wine?”
“No, I am going to skip the alcohol just in case they call from the hospital. I want to be able to drive. Water is fine. I’ll get it.” She proceeded to fill two glasses with filtered water from the fridge and followed Hope into the living room.
Carrie filled Hope in a little more on her grandmother’s condition and Hope told Carrie more about her thoughts on Derrick and his situation.
Two hours later they were still talking and holding each other on the couch. “Are you about ready for bed?” Hope asked.
“Yes, bed sounds like a good idea.” Both women stood up.
“You go ahead and get ready, I’ll clean up here,” Hope said.
“Are you sure?” Carrie asked. “I can help.”
“No, you’ve had a long day. Go ahead. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Carrie did as she was told. Hope picked up both plates, noticing that Carrie had barely touched her food. She wasn’t surprised. Hope took the plates and glasses into the kitchen. She threw out the remainder of the food on Carrie’s plate and loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
Hope locked the front door and shut all the lights before joining Carrie in the bedroom. Carrie was already in bed. Hope removed her clothing, folded them and piled them neatly on a chair in the corner. She slipped beneath the covers and held her arms out to Carrie. Hope wrapped one arm around Carrie as she moved in next to her and reached over to shut off the lamp on the nightstand next to her.