by Ella M. Kaye
“Where is she going?” He had yet to see her walk anywhere away from Emma’s side.
“To the Pilgrim Monument. I have to take her. Every time we’re out. She won’t go in but she likes to look at it up close.”
Emma kept an eye on Patty while she sat on the bench alone and stared up at the monument. She wished she knew what the girl was thinking. Carefully moving over to where Fillan stood reading the plaque of the Mayflower Compact, she slipped her hand onto his arm.
“I have ancestors who came here in the early years.” He set his hand over hers and squeezed lightly.
“Did you? A fair amount of Irish came, so I’ve heard. I guess it’s not surprising you would have.”
“And you? Are you of direct relation to the early settlers?”
“Not that I know of. But I sure heard about Mark’s descendant.” She pointed to the top right name. “At least he says it is. Makes him feel important, I guess, to believe his family has been here from the beginning.”
“You don’t believe it?”
She shrugged. “Maybe. But I tend to think it matters more what you do with your life than what your ancestors did with theirs. Maybe that’s the wrong attitude. He says I feel that way because mine didn’t do anything of importance. I don’t know that they didn’t. I haven’t the faintest idea.”
He turned to her, his gaze direct. “It was an unhappy marriage?”
“Oh, no, it wasn’t. At least I didn’t think it was. I was happy enough. I suppose he wasn’t. But I didn’t think he was that unhappy.”
“You still hurt from it.”
It was a question, although not phrased like one. She knew it was. She shrugged again. “Mostly ... I’m just tired. I can’t let myself think about it. I can’t change it, so I just moved on. I’m good at that.” Emma dared to touch his face. “And I will again. At the end of summer. But it’s nice to have this now, whatever it is.” With a grin, she released him and went to ask Patty if she was ready to go.
Chapter 9
With Patty tucked in bed, Emma grinned at the way Fillan turned her tiny stereo on and plugged his mp3 player into the access port. “Make yourself at home.”
“I owe you. It is only fair after you spent half the day fixing that machine. My sister will wonder what’s become of me by now.”
“You don’t owe me. I was glad to do it. And Patty loved making a mess of my kitchen with you in the meantime.” She moved up close and stopped just short of touching him. “Make sure you take a bunch of those cupcakes home. I don’t want them all here.”
“Share them with your tutoring kids this week.” He teased her fingers, almost gripping them.
“Can’t. I’m afraid to give them anything but water. Possible allergies. Food restrictions. Things their parents don’t want them to have. I understand it, but I don’t want to keep track. Not worth the trouble.”
“That is really sad, you do know? Mum used to give whoever popped by whatever she was baking or cooking. Never a word was said.”
“Lots of moms used to do that here, too. Not anymore. What can you do? Things are as they are.” She glanced at his player. “Putting something on?”
“Aye, samba music, or at least music that will work for the samba.”
“Why?” Emma felt nerves kick in.
“Because you are afraid to start learning it in class. I disagree, of course. I think you are very well suited for it. I am offering private lessons in exchange for defeating the monster in that machine so I didn’t end up throwing it right through the window.”
“It’s not necessary, Fillan. As I said...”
He leaned in and kissed her. Still only teasing her fingers with hers. Then he gripped her hands and pulled them into a dance pose. “Come, Emma. Samba with me. It is less stressful to learn it alone than in a group, yes? With someone you are comfortable with? Am I assuming too much?”
“No, you’re right. Both. But...”
“No buts. Dance with me.”
She gave in. And he was right. It was far nicer to learn this way than in a class full of people with a partner she didn’t want to be that close to. This... She could get used to this, too.
Once she’d learned the steps well enough, to instrumental music she didn’t recognize, Fillan changed it to a song she knew. He gave her a grin as he reclaimed her hands and they danced to Chad Kroeger’s rugged voice singing the horribly suggestive Into The Night. A nice song for the samba, she found. A seductive song for a seductive dance that made her dance partner look even more seductive than normal. As though he needed the help. His toned dancer’s body had her attention plenty well already.
With it moving so close against hers, with him so patient in his professional instruction, with his green eyes catching hers often, with a mix of sparkle and fire, it had far, far too much of her attention.
“You learn fast.” His movement stopped at the end of the song. “Very nice, Emma. You have nothing to worry about in class.”
“I’m not sure I can do that in class, in front of people.”
“And why not? You look wonderful.”
“Because ... well, not with you in class, anyway.”
He stepped back a touch and tilted his head.
“That sounded wrong.” She felt herself start to flush and tried to fight it.
He moved back in, this time with a hand along her face. “It is a sensual dance. Do not be embarrassed that it brings out your sensuality. That is its purpose. It is nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“No? So you think I’d feel this way after doing it with just anyone? I think I wouldn’t. At least I sure hope I wouldn’t. That would be...”
“Feel what way?” He inched closer.
She kissed him. Knowing she shouldn’t, knowing she was far too tuned into him already, Emma let herself slide her arms up around his shoulders and accept him. His tongue danced carefully, slowly into her mouth, testing. She accepted. Gratefully. A nice, sensual kiss. Her husband hadn’t even bothered to make her feel this way for the longest time, before he left. As Fillan would.
But it didn’t matter. At least he’d warned her right away. He’d made no promises. Offered only his time as she could accept it.
She broke it slowly, as slowly as it started. Her fingertips played with his skin under his shirt, her face next to his, her breath returning to near normal.
“Should we practice more?” His voice was light, half teasing. “Move on to the rumba?”
“I don’t think I can stand it.” She dropped her forehead to his shoulder.
“Emma.” He raised her face with his fingertips. “Should I stay? This time, I do not mean on the couch.”
“I can’t. If Patty...” She moved away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come on to you and then...”
He caught her arm and moved back in against her. “Do y’ know how often I have told myself not to do this?” His body warmed hers; his hand slid to the small of her back. “Do you know why my girlfriend left?”
“I don’t...”
“I need y’ to know, Em. She thought there was something wrong me, deeply wrong with me, down inside, because ... because I have never been able to settle on one thing too long, because I always knew there was something more somewhere else and I couldn’t help wanting to know what it might be. It is why I came here. To see more. To regroup. To tell myself why I wanted to stay where I was and doing what I was. I thought being away from it would draw me closer to it. And more than that, she left because I admitted to her that I never wanted anything to do with children. There are more opportunities for dance classes with children but I could not do it because children... I have never liked them much, to be honest.”
Emma yanked away from him. “Then what is this about, Fillan? Patty is mine, you know. She will be fully soon. Too soon. And...”
“Yes, but Em, I don’t care. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I didn’t want to start anything here with anyone, much less a single mom which I understand you are to much extent.” He mov
ed back in close and gazed into her eyes. “I had every intention of going back to Ireland, of going to find her if she had not come back yet. But I do not want it anymore. Distance from her has only shown me I do not care enough. She can go on ... wherever she went and stay there. It no longer matters. Even if she comes back. Because I do not want her.” He stroked fingers alongside her face. “I want ... you.”
“Fillan...”
He met her lips, slid his hand back around her, his other behind her head.
Emma gave in to him, to the warmth, the want she felt from him, from herself. And yet... She broke the kiss, forced her body to calm enough to ask. “So when you move back home, you’ll realize you didn’t really want this, either?”
“No, Em. I will never wish I did not have this.”
“How do you know?”
That grin flashed across his face. That charming, almost child-like, disarming grin. “Because I have never felt it like this before. Aye, I have, the ... physical reaction I have felt plenty. But when I am at the cabin alone, I think of you. And I think of Patty and how she is doing.”
“Didn’t you with ... her?”
“Nae. I had other things on my mind. Always. I am easily distracted, as I said. It was nice being with her but it was alright not being with her, as well. When I am not with you, I want to be with you. I have never known that.”
She found herself nodding. She’d too often felt the same with her husband. How often had she heard other newly married women talk of how they missed their “other half” when he was at work or out with his buddies or whatever and realized she didn’t? And yet, she thought of Fillan ... constantly.
“Tell me you understand as your nod says you might.” He kissed the tip of her nose.
“Yes.” Her eyes watered and she tried to stop it, to grab her learned control and maintain distance, but instead, she leaned in and found his lips, his mouth, his tongue. To hell with control.
His hands slid to her waist, down her hips, asking...
Why not? Why shouldn’t she have this? In answer, she moved back slowly, gripped his hands, and walked backward toward her room. “We’ll have to be careful.”
“I have protection.”
“What? Oh, I mean... Good, because I’m not. I didn’t expect to ... after the divorce, I just... I guess that’s crazy considering one of the biggest reasons my ex left.”
“Other than because of Patty?”
“Yes.” She paused her backward movement to brush against his lips, and his body.
“Why did he?”
“He um... wanted me to quit working and have babies for him.”
“Y’ mean with him.”
“Yes, technically. It didn’t feel that way. I told him I couldn’t do that and take care of her, both, but really ... it just felt too much like he was trying to force them on me to ... to show he could, or ... something. It didn’t feel right to do to a kid.”
“I would agree with that. Are we stopping right here?” He glanced at the hallway walls.
Her head shook. “I hope not. But I meant careful ... with Patty. I don’t want to have to try to explain this.”
He nudged her until she started moving backward again. “Your door shuts, yes?”
“Yes, but I don’t. She gets upset if she comes to look for me and it’s closed.”
He paused.
“Now you’ve changed your mind.” She watched his reaction.
“No, but I do not want her to walk in on us, either.”
“Agreed. I’ll shut it. I just ... if I hear her, I’ll have to...”
“Em, maybe we should...” He stopped, as though he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.
But she knew. With a sigh, she nodded again and backed away. “Okay. It’s okay, really.”
“She is with your parents on week nights, yes?” He traced a finger down her shoulder. “Can I see you home from class tomorrow?”
Class. Tomorrow. She felt her head shake. “You know what? This... No. I’m sorry. If you can’t do this with me the way ... the only way I can, I really have to just say no. I have to work around enough in my life. I can’t schedule sex with someone ... who I haven’t even been with and who isn’t going to stay past summer. I’m sorry. You should go.” Emma clenched her jaw to keep from changing her mind and trying to convince him to stay, which she would absolutely not let herself do, and dragged him by the hand back out to the living room, to the door.
And she opened it.
“So that is it? I cannot see you again outside class because this did not work for me tonight?”
“I don’t know, Fillan. Can we go back to just hanging out now? Think it’ll work?”
He nudged the door mostly closed and moved in, took her face in his hand. “No, I think it won’t stay that if we keep seeing each other and I don’t think you believe it will, either. You will have to let me know, Emma.” He gave her a kiss, grasping her waist when she tried to back away from him, and deepening it. Then he released her, his eyes on hers, and shrugged. “Let me know. Tomorrow. Or ... whenever you decide you can let yourself have this for a few weeks. No harm, right? What will it hurt? Y’ will have to decide.”
Quiet while he eased out the door and down her steps to his car, Emma wanted to grip his shoulders and shake the life out of him. Didn’t he get it? Everything she did was around Patty. She’d told him. He’d seen it. What didn’t he understand yet? Was he like the ex and figure she’d choose him over her niece? It wouldn’t happen. Ever. She’d stay alone forever first.
Closing the door, she leaned back against it and grasped at a deep breath that turned into a shudder.
Chapter 10
Fillan fidgeted as he waited for her to open her door. Her car was there. She was home. Would she refuse to answer? He would stand right there and keep knocking until she did. She’d give in. Even if he had to move to her window to knock. “Come, Emma. I know you are home.”
A neighbor looked up at him as she walked past with a poodle in a jacket. He kept himself from rolling his eyes and telling her to mind her own business. Barely. Emma said she hardly knew her neighbors; it didn’t matter what they thought.
She finally opened it, only face width. “What are you doing here?”
“Why did you quit class?”
“Because I couldn’t be there with you. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I don’t want to do the samba with anyone else and I sure can’t do it with you in front of ... your class.”
Taken back by her words, he couldn’t think how to answer for several seconds. He’d expected some excuse. Honestly, he expected she’d blame it on her care of Patty as she did with too many other things. Much of it he believed. Some he didn’t.
“It’s fine, Fillan. Really, it is. I had fun. I proved to myself I’m not as uncoordinated as ... as I was told. It was nice. But I can’t be late to pick her up one more time and watching the clock that close was annoying me and...” Her chest rose and fall. “I don’t want to samba with anyone else.”
“Em.” He stepped closer. “Let me come in.”
“No. Please. Just go now. Patty’s already upset because she got used to you coming home with us and you didn’t and I have to help her adjust back...”
“Then let me in and maybe she will settle down.”
“And then what? Let her get more used to it until you leave and she never sees you? No. I let it go too far already. Thank you. For ... everything, but this has to stop.”
“I do not want you to give up dancing. I am supposed to encourage it. We can be adults, yes? Come back to class, Em. I’ll behave properly and my guess is you have never behaved other than properly. It will be fine.”
Her shoulders stiffened. “Don’t assume you know me that well. Goodnight, Fillan. Patty’s calling me. I have to go take her to see her mom and then drop her off at my parents’ which will be a big fight, and I don’t have the energy for this, too.”
Before he could respond, she closed the door. In his face.
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br /> “Fine, Emma. Tha’ is just fucking fine with me. I was only trying to help.” Pushing himself from the door, he paced away, down the steps and sidewalk, to his car, the hateful little rental that didn’t like him anymore than he liked it. He didn’t need to spend the energy on her, either. He didn’t come for that. He came to ... to... Fuck, he didn’t even know what he came for anymore.
He slammed his door, shoved the key in the ignition, cursed as it decided whether or not to start, cursed again when it started ... and sat listening to the thing idle. Sexual frustration. It was no more than that. He could go hang in a pub ... a bar and ... and not drink and ... and wish she was there with him, that she could be there with him.
Did she ever get to go out? The classes had been hard for her to agree to, even with as much as she wanted it. Maybe she didn’t. How could she live that way?
How could he agree to do the same? Even just for the summer. He was on holiday, mostly.
Hell. Stop being such a selfish ass, Fillan. You at least get to choose. You are not the one with the right to bitch.
His temper calming, he shifted the car into gear and started away, as she’d asked. He had to play by her rules, since they weren’t hers, but Patty’s, and Patty had enough struggle...
And he wanted to help. Even if for a few weeks. Wouldn’t it be better than not having the help for a few weeks?
Emma sighed as the phone rang. Patty didn’t want to go see her mom. It was getting harder all the time as Helen looked less herself, as she lost weight, as she talked less, smiled less. Helen’s smile had always lit up a room. It was her best feature. What had been so wrong in her life she had to do this to herself? So it was hard to deal with Patty. She knew it was. Still, the love Emma had for the child was enough to overcome the struggle. Her mom, Patty’s mom, had to feel so much more love for her own daughter, for the infant she cried over as the doctors warned their could be issues with her health because of Helen’s state when she was conceived, because she had no spouse to help with any of it.