Nuklear Age

by Clevinger, Brian

  “Grrr. PLAZMAAA—” the Danger: TV was filled by an image of “—Giant crab!”

  The Danger: Couch was suddenly vacant.

  A trembling hand rose from behind it and shakily delivered an infrared finger gun blast to turn off the set. The Crab was vanquished.

  “Whew.”

  __________

  “Got any threes?”

  Danger: Computer Lady sighed, “This is not Go Fish.”

  “Well then, what is this?”

  “Strip poker.”

  Nuklear Man, his cape wrapped about him to keep decent, shivered as he scanned the five playing cards fanned in his hands. “And who’s bright idea was that?”

  “Yours.”

  “That’s not the point. Could you at least turn up the heat in here? I’m chilly.” He only barely failed to cover himself adequately with his cape.

  “There,” Danger: Computer Lady answered.

  The Hero smiled. “Gin!”

  Danger: Computer Lady, despite being nothing more than a series of ones and zeroes, cringed.

  __________

  If The Crab could read, it would have known the loud thing buzzing above it was not a tasty morsel of food, but in fact the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Copter. He watched it intently.

  “I think he’s distracted,” Rachel said, keeping Atomik Lad and the pier between herself and the Angered Arthropod. “Now’s your chance. Go get him.”

  “My chance?”

  “You’re the hero here.”

  “What happened to all that ‘if you don’t go I will’ talk?”

  “Just a bluff to get you to come to your senses.”

  “At least you’re honest.”

  “Most of the time. Now go!”

  “I don’t even know what to do!”

  “You’ll think of something. Try to lead him away from the city somehow. It looks like he likes stuff that flies. Make with that Atomik Mojo you’re supposed to have.”

  Atomik Lad groaned.

  __________

  “Hey, Charlie,” the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Copter Camera Man asked. “Is that crab watching us?”

  Charlie looked down. “You mean kinda intently?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well.” Before Charlie could respond, giant icy blue Crab Eye Beams pierced the helicopter. The spinning and spiraling wreckage toppled into the ocean. The pair swam from the wreck. “Yeah, I think he mighta been watching.”

  I had forgotten all about those, The Crab thought. Cool! It glanced at the nearest object worthy of its attention.

  “Now he’s looking at us!” Rachel blurted.

  “Get down!” Atomik Lad yanked Rachel to the sand and covered her with his own body as per common practice in situations like this. Giant Crab Eye Beams punched through the pier and little wooden chunks of flaming debris fell on them.

  Neat! The Crab thought. It let loose a few more Eye Beams toward the geometrically impressive, oddly reflective, and freakishly huge vertical coral in the distance.

  __________

  “Hmm.” Nuklear Man pondered over the hand Fate had dealt him.

  “And stop calling me ‘Fate,’” Danger: Computer Lady said.

  Nuklear Man made a face from behind his cards. They were nearly touching his nose. He tugged at one card, thought better of it, and tapped it back in line with the rest. He nodded to himself haughtily like he just proved some universal truth. “Hit me!”

  “That’s Blackjack.”

  “Tsk. You shouldn’t discriminate.”

  Danger: Computer Lady desperately wanted to rub her optical receptors.

  “Feh, I hate this stupid game,” Nuklear Man grumbled. “Let’s play something else.”

  __________

  Dr. Ima Genius peered into a microscope to confirm by her own sight what Überdyne’s computers predicted. Norman stood behind her trying to make sense of the torrent of data that streamed through the dozens of monitors set into the walls of her lab. The sheer bulk of information flowing across their screens was ocular oppression.

  “What is all this stuff?” he asked, motioning to the overly detailed diagrams and repeating waveforms that danced across the screens.

  She glanced up from her work. “Oh, those. It’s just gibberish. I had those installed to impress our investors when they make surprise visits. It keeps them quiet.” She gazed into the microscope again. “They don’t like to admit that they have no idea what any of it is supposed to mean, and to compensate, they give us about 24% more funding each time they drop by. It’s a nice racket.”

  “Ah.” Norman ignored them and watched the only monitor that made sense. It was footage from the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Copter. “I can’t believe it just shook off my Magnosmash. We could be in over our heads.”

  “Have a look at this, Norman,” Genius said. She pushed herself away from the microscope so he could take a gander. He bent down and adjusted the focus while she spoke. “The computers gave it a 99% match with some prehistoric DNA we’d found in fossils uncovered along the Marianas Trench.”

  “Whoa,” the Tungsten Titan said. Genetic material floated in a microscopic sea right before his eyes.

  “That was my reaction. What we have uncovered here is a specimen of a legendary creature of Earth’s primeval past, specifically a Crushtacean, so perfectly preserved for over a hundred million years that it’s alive and well today. The ecosystem couldn’t have possibly supported more than a few of these creatures at once, if that many. It’s a miracle this one survived through all these millennia, probably frozen in some gargantuan iceberg that floated to warmer climes such as our own and—”

  “And now its on a rampage through Metroville. Any idea how we can get rid of it?”

  “You said it took the full force of your Magnosmash and got right back up?”

  “Yeah. Well, it must've taken a couple minutes to fully recover, but it looks like he’s back to his old carnage,” Norman said, pointing to the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Copter footage. “I hope Atomik Lad’s all right. I left him out there all alone and I don’t see him anywhere.”

  The screen was overcome with static. They watched as a befuddled anchorman filled the box. He gave the viewing audience a deer-in-the-headlights look which exactly equaled the newsman-without-a-Teleprompter look. “Er,” he managed at some length.

  “Profound,” Ima muttered.

  Huge blue-white beams lance from the horizon and battered a neighboring skyscraper into rubble. The Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Building would never be the same.

  “Crab beams?” Norman hazarded to guess.

  “That would explain the selenium samples found in the carapace you brought me. Apparently, it can absorb light and focus it through some kind of biological apparatus. Perhaps.” She stopped to think “Yes, I’d like to get some Kopelson Intrinsity readings to help determine just how it stores and manipulates—”

  “Doc! Not now. We’ve got to stop this thing.”

  “Oh, right. You get back there and help Atomik Lad slow it down. I’ll contact Nuklear Man and get him in the field. If our Crushtacean can just shrug off a Magnosmash, you’ll need his firepower.”

  __________

  Due to Angus’s inability to aim, only one vehicle remained untouched. The driver inside continued to taunt Angus. He’d apparently been born without knowing when the hell to shut up and run away. The Surly Scot took a break to catch his breath.

  “What’s the matter, Shorty? Those ‘tiny’ lungs of yours having a ‘little’ problem?”

  Angus quivered slightly from the effort of restraining his rage. Judging by the state of the dozen or so wrecked cars, he wasn’t very good at holding it back for long.

  “What the hell? That some kind of seizure? That must cause no ‘small’ amount of trouble for ya, Shorty.”

  Angus waved his Enemy-B-Crushed like a baseball bat. He licked his lips and anticipated the sheer e
cstasy of unchained hate.

  __________

  Nuklear Man’s cloak was tossed aside by a harsh wind. He fastened the garment more carefully using an ivory talisman of Engar he’d made as an apprentice many years ago. He stared into the horizon like an eternal watchman waiting for the end of the world.

  Jagged rust red crags, like the one he stood upon, jutted out of the arid earth in the distance. A cloud of dust scratched across the skyline he oversaw. His eyes narrowed, piercing the distant dust storm. His chiseled visage twisted into a scowl. “That’s no dust storm.”

  From the dust emerged a stampede of elephant sized boars. Their demonic black tusks gleamed in the red sunset, their coarse brown hair was covered with a thin layer of the cardinal red dust that was kicked up from their mad charge.

  “A stampede of Giant Gulrackian Boars!” Nuklear Man surmised. “Indeed, she’s a cunning witch, but ‘tis I who is more cunning.” He picked up a handful of loose dirt. “Oh fertile lands, mother of all life,” he invoked. “Shed this arid skin, give forth your bountiful fruits and raise the mighty emerald towers eternal!”

  The stampede charged closer with redoubled speed. “Curse it, she’s cast another spell on me. Must concentrate.” The earth crackled in front of Nuklear Man as a gap cracked its lightning pattern across the dry ground. A moan of pain and pleasure issued forth from the cavern but was drowned out by the encroaching stampede.

  “Faster now, Great Mother, oh Eternal Source, yield to my will-working!” he cried to the heavens. His haggard voice was barely audible above the violence sweeping upon him.

  Vines shot from the crevices and climbed into the sky with blinding speed. They intertwined and wrapped around one another forming huge gnarled pillars as enormous as ancient trees which also grew around Nuklear Man with supernatural speed. Their thick branches wove into one another and the impenetrable web of ever-thickening vines as well. After seconds that, to Nuklear Man, took days of strength to endure, the Druidic Circled Wall of Dryads was erected.

  He’d fallen to his knees somewhere during the ritual. Sweat dropped from his face onto the dust covered earth that was shaded by the shadows cast by the sudden rainforest his magics had brought into being around.

  The giant boars neared, their thousandfold hoofbeats shook the ground like an earthquake. Though he lay in their path, he did not worry. Nay, for brave Nuklear Man plotted his counterstrike. “Perhaps a dose of Engar’s Holy Fireball of Purification will teach that wench to oppose me.”

  The stampede’s cacophony disappeared. Terror struck the Hero at the base of his skull. A flash of horror shot through his mind. “An illusion to distract me from the true threat?”

  Panicked, he searched for signs of another attack with a fireball spell at the tips of his fingers. His quest was cut short by the hideous sounds of a hundred Giant Boars falling onto him like whales raining from the sky. The gory details are up to you to imagine.

  He tossed his hand of cards against the table, scattering those already placed in their designated positions for Attack, Defense, and Gnosis. “That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard!”

  Danger: Computer Lady hummed happily. “That single attack took you down to negative seventeen Health. I win.”

  “What? No! First, you tell me how you can enchant your Giant Boars with the Flying ability and Stampede Damage! It doesn’t make sense! You can’t fly and stampede at the same time!”

  “I didn’t make the rules, I just follow them. Unlike some people,” she added under her synthetic breath.

  “I heard that! I didn’t cheat.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I told you, I just forgot to untap that Gnosis from the turn before.”

  “So you say.”

  “Grrr. PLAZMAAA—”

  The Danger: Phone rang.

  Nuklear Man froze. His attack sputtered away.

  Another ring.

  His eyes darted to and fro.

  A third ring.

  “You get it,” he instructed Danger: Computer Lady. “Tell ‘im I’m not here.”

  A fourth ring. “I can’t answer the phone, I’m just a voice interface for the Silo’s operations. You’ll have to deal with it yourself.”

  Fifth ring. “Well then what good are ya? Cheating grumble mumble.” Sixth ring. “Hello?” he said into the Danger: Phone with a very high-pitched French accent. “You ‘ave, how you say, zhe wrong numbair. Go away now.”

  Ima was silent for a moment. “How do you know I have the wrong number?”

  “Er. Because I don’t have a, how you say, phone.”

  “Then how are we talking now?”

  “Uh. We’re experiencing some technical, how you say, difficulties.”

  “I see.”

  “You should try again later, like when zhose other weakling heroes have done something with zhat Crab. Croissant fromage adios.” He hung up and snickered devilishly. “All this and brains too. I’m so good it hurts—ouch! See? Ooh, there it is again.”

  All of Danger: Computer Lady’s optical receptors simultaneously rolled. “Uh-huh.”

  The Danger: Phone rang again. Nuklear Man promptly picked it up, still smiling from his victory of mental prowess. “Yo.”

  “Nuklear Man,” Dr. Genius said. “We need your help. Crushtacean is still terrorizing the city.”

  “Sure. No sweat.” He buffed his nails against the electron-orbited N symbol on his chest. “What’s a Crushtacean?”

  “The giant crab from this afternoon.”

  “Ah, of course. Giant Crab. Got it.”

  “Please hurry. Atomik Lad is dealing with it alone. I’ve dispatched Mighty Metallic Magno Man, but they’ll need your help.”

  “No prob. I’ll be there in five.” He hung up the phone. “Heh, just like those losers to need help with a giant...crab?” He blinked in the light of realization. “God—”

  ________

  “Dammit!” Atomik Lad unconsciously yelled as he narrowly dodged Crushtacean’s pincers. He rolled into a standing position and immediately broke into a mad dash as the other giant pincer crashed into the sand barely missing its scurrying mark. He slipped on the loose footing afforded by the sand and fell flat on his face. Again. He had just enough time to see a huge pincer close in. He closed his eyes tight and probed that part of his mind that fueled his Atomik Fires.

  Nothing.

  __________

  Issue 21 – You Can Catch Crabs from the Ocean. Both Kinds.

  “CAR-A-PULT!” Angus yelled from beyond the dunes as his Surprisingly Concealable Enemy-B-Crushed Named Bertha arced through its baseball bat style swing.

  “Augh!” the motorist screamed as his minivan, back end mangled beyond repair, rocketed through the air thanks to Angus’s misplaced anger. The minivan’s front end was then mangled beyond repair when it crashed into the pincer that was about to crush Atomik Lad.

  Atomik Lad took .04 seconds to remind himself of cheesy movies where the male lead avoids certain death about a dozen times only to (re)unite with the love interest. Of course, even in the movies fate can’t be avoided forever and one of the young lovers has to die in order to keep the Karma balanced. But there wasn’t time for that final insight. He scampered a safe distance from the Crab, insofar as one could be safe while it was still within eyesight, and decided on a new strategy.

  The first step in forming a strategy is to re-evaluate the situation. What did he have? A swimsuit sporting a red and blue design that was distinctly derived from his color scheme but of no use beyond covering his shame.

  Well. So much for strategy.

  “Is that the best ye can do, ye overgrown All-Ye-Can-Eat-Seafood-Platter-fer-$9.99?” Angus yelled as he soared over Atomik Lad and swatted Crushtacean with his Surprisingly Concealable and Wieldly Enemy-B-Crushed Named Bertha. The Crab staggered back from the blow with a gurgling cry of pain.

  A flash of blue light exploded against Angus. The Surly Scot was blast back, and tumbled end-over-end until he came to rest
by Atomik Lad’s feet.

  “That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Berserker!” Angus barked as he jumped to his feet. “DWARF-A—” KLONG! The Enemy-B-Crushed landed on Angus balanced perfectly atop his head. It was held in place by the huge dent its impact made with his helmet. The absurdly phallic image collapsed in the sand as Angus whimpered something about crumpets and lost consciousness. Atomik Lad’s attention shot back to The Crab as the last signs its carapace showed of Angus’s attacks healed before his very eyes.

  Hmm. Eye beams make food go stop. Maybe if I zap that scrawny one.

  The Giant Crab Eye Beams charged up. Atomik Lad gulped. Time seemed to stand still.

  __________

  Nuklear Man shot through the skyline of Metroville like a bullet of light piercing the sky. His Plazma Aura stretched behind him by a mile. “If I don’t finish up this Crab stuff soon, I’m gonna miss the ending of Silly Sam’s Cartoon Marathon-a-thon o’ Fun!” He hovered high above the dunes and surveyed the beachy arena. “The Crab! Atomik Lad! Eye Beams! Defenseless! Really Big!” Nuklear Man had but milliseconds to react.

  __________

  Atomik Lad flinched as certain doom in the guise of Giant Crab Eye Beams crashed upon him. There was a muted impact in the vicinity of his chest, but all was dark and a strange warmness permeated his body, his soul.

  He opened his eyes unto a crimson world. “Awright!” he exclaimed.

  Note to self: Eye Beams kill some food, but makes other food angry.

  Having watched the futility of head on attacks, Atomik Lad arced a crimson path to The Crab’s rear flank. “Now what, Mr. Smarty?” an annoying part of his mind asked when it knew full well there was no answer at hand.

  A gleam caught his eye. He instinctively looked to it and above the flames of Angus’s tantrum past the dunes, he could see Nuklear Man hovering deep in thought. He noticed an idea stumbling through his mentor’s mind. He could see it in his eyes. Or perhaps it was the acknowledgment of a bothersome itch in the nether regions of his back. With Nuklear Man, it was a toss up.