Nuklear Age
Page 22
“Right. Look, I’ve compiled some data.”
“Great! Keep up the good work. Super, really. Don’t quit that day job!”
“No, Nuklear Man. Listen.”
“Listen...?”
“The thing when someone else talks and you pay attention.”
“Um.”
“…And it’s boring.”
“Oh right! Gotcha. Go for it.”
“I’ve been compiling some data about the Crushtacean and I have a plan. Regroup with Atomik Lad, Iron Scotsman, and Mighty Metallic Magno Man back at the beach and I’ll telepathically relay the plan to all of you as soon as I figure out the Conference Call code for this thing.”
__________
“And that’s the plan,” Dr. Genius said. “I’m running up the charges for long distance telepathy here, so I’ll have to let you all go. I’ll be monitoring your progress from Überdyne’s Satellite network. Good luck, Heroes.”
“I can see the moons of Jupiter,” Mighty Metallic Magno Man informed NASA as he lay on his back and utterly failed to sort out reality from supersonic-spin-induced hallucinations.
Angus crossed his arms and huffed. “Ah don’t likes it!”
“Of course you don’t like it,” Nuklear Man said. “You’ve got the gimpy end of the plan.”
“And the moons are talking!”
“Maybe we should put him in the shade,” Rachel said. Atomik Lad leaned to shade Norman’s face.
“Ooh, an eclipse!”
“Oh yeah. He’ll be fine,” he said.
“Are you sayin’ Ah’ve got the gimpy part o’ the plan ‘cause Ah’m short, and ergo gimpy!”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but now that you mention it.”
“GrrrrrrrRRRARGH! DWARF-A—”
“Wait!” Atomik Lad imposed himself between Angus and Nuklear Man. The Surly Scot ceased his assault before it got a chance to take off. “Angus, you play an important role in the plan.”
“Very important,” Rachel added. “Without you, there’s no plan at all.”
Angus furrowed and scowled to new levels of aggravation. “That don’t mean Ah gots to likes it. Hmmphf!”
“Okay,” Atomik Lad said. “Let’s just get in our positions and get this over with.” He glanced at Rachel and she winked at him. His legs went all wobbly.
Nuklear Man picked up Angus and held him like a bearded football dressed in iron, and smelling of alcohol, haggis, and rage. Angus squirmed uselessly. Nuklear Man leapt into the sky.
Atomik Lad watched Nuklear Man’s trail of Plazma energy as it cut across the high, drifting clouds. “So, what’dya think of our first date, Rachel?”
“Never a dull moment with your friends around, is there.”
“Yeah,” he said, looking down at the glimmering sand.
“But I could use some dull moments every now and then.”
“I know what you mean. Lord, do I know what you mean.”
“Maybe. So how about we do something this weekend? Just you and me.”
“I’d like that.”
“If you can squeeze me into your schedule, that is.”
“I’ll make time. Norman should recover by then, he can babysit Nuke while we’re out.”
“Good,” she said. “Um, don’t you have some important plan to put into motion?”
Atomik Lad smiled goofily. “Er, plan? Who? Me. Damn. Right. I’ll be back as soon as we wrap this up. I’m sorry.”
“Just go.”
His Atomik Field burst to life and the sidekick shot into the air after his companions.
“And be careful.”
__________
“Man, stopping this crab thing has turned into such a mission,” Nuklear Man groaned.
“Ah still thinks this plan is stupid,” Angus huffed. Nuklear Man held him tight against his side while he flew them to the positions stipulated by The Plan. Angus’s Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters obviously held an eerie fascination for the Giant Crab. The Plan, therefore, needed Angus to be live bait. Nuklear Man would deposit him near the grounds of an abandoned factory. There, it was a simple matter of setting off the Thrusters to lure Crushtacean into the open. Then Nuklear Man would fly Angus out of harm’s way while Atomik Lad kept it busy until the other Heroes could regroup whereupon they would take care of the Crab once and for all.
Simple.
“Heh, I wouldn’t like it if I was the bait either.”
“Ah ain’t no bait!” he rumbled under Nuklear Man’s grip. “Ah’m, what did that Doctor lass call it, the um.”
“‘The most integral and important unit contributing to the success of The Plan’?”
“Aye. And don’t ye forget it!”
“She just said that so you’d agree to do it.”
“WHAT?!”
“I mean, sheesh, who volunteers to be the bait in a plan? ‘Ooh, ooh, lookit me, I wanna be the bait, put me in unnecessary danger while my comrades must come to my rescue lest I become all dead.’ Yeah right, no thanks.” Nuklear Man laughed to himself. Then he remembered what a bad idea it was to mock Angus. “Er. Um, but it’s too late to back out now, right?”
“Like hell it is!” He wriggled to free himself.
“Yeesh, you’re a slippery little guy, aren’t ya.”
“Let me go, ye musclebound freak! Ah ain’t gonna be no bait fer no giant killer crab!”
“Oh, but I think you are.” Nuklear Man zoomed out of the sky to the abandoned factory. He set Angus down, wrapped him in an abandoned iron girder that had been lying on the abandoned grounds, and tied him to an abandoned cement truck with several lengths of abandoned chain all in a golden blur of action. “Finished” He stepped back and admired his work and proudly dusted off his hands. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“How am I supposed to get away when the damned crab shows up?”
“I’ve got to fly you out of here anyway, so what’s another couple of tons of abandoned metal-work to an invincible superstud like m’self? Answer: nuthin’.
__________
Meanwhile, Atomik Lad raced above the skyscraping rooftops of Metroville. His quarry wasn’t difficult to find, what with the unmistakable trail of destruction to follow. “Okay. So there it is, now I just have to get its attention.” He zoomed down to Crab level and buzzed around what he assumed was his eyes.
The monster didn’t even blink.
“Well, this is getting me nowhere.”
Where, oh where has my sweet precious gone, Crushtacean lamented.
__________
“You know, you’re kinda cute all wrapped up in that iron stuff.”
“What!”
“Just like one of those little adorable lawn gnomes.”
“What?!”
“Only wrapped up in an iron girder ‘cause you’re way too weak to even try to get out.”
“THAT DOOES IT!”
__________
Crushtacean heard the lilting harmony of the mating call dance its way to his hungrily awaiting ears. Be patient, my dear, soon your Crabbyboy will be near. It rhymed in Crabtalk too, but that was just because the entire language consisted of discreet differences in the sound “splarg.”
The Crab spun around and batted Atomik Lad from the air into what had previously been an untouched furniture store. A comfy sofa broke his fall before his Atomik Field shred it like incriminating government documents. “Well, that’ll do.” He stood, brushed himself off, and shot out the shattered window display. Pieces of furniture scattered in his wake.
Mr. Manager crawled out from his hiding place behind the sales desk. “My new business.” Twitch. “Ruined by those, those punks! Again! I’ll get even with you degenerates if it’s the last thing I do!” he screamed after Atomik Lad’s diminishing form.
__________
“All that yelling and shaking makes you even cuter.”
“What?! I’ll show ye cute!” Angus’s Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters flared. The mass of metal he’d become jumped and jerked, but was held
in check by the chains that bound him to the low earth.
“Now you just look cute and silly.”
“YYYYYEEEARGHBLBLBLBLE!”
“Meow.”
Nuklear Man blinked. He scratched his chin. “That’s not a very Raging Scootish Warrior Thing To Say.”
“Meow.”
“Ahh. I’ll use my super sensitive Nuklear Hearing to pinpoint the exact location of this meow’s source.”
“Meow?”
“Bah! This is taking too long. I’ll be easier to just Plazma Beam the area and when the meowing stops, I bet that’ll be where it’s coming from.”
“Meow?!”
“PLAZMAAA—”
“MEOW!” A gray cat leapt from the leaves of a tree right into Nuklear Man’s thick arms. The feline made himself comfortable and rubbed against the Hero’s chin.
“Aww,” Nuklear Man cooed. “You’re such a cutie wutie. Yes you are, yyyyyes you are.” He scratched the cat between the ears and held him close. Angus roared and stormed in the background as Nuklear Man and his new friend were sinking into their own world of happiness which was completely oblivious to everything else in the universe.
__________
Crushtacean smashed through Metroville. His eagerness grew with every melodious harmony that echoed through the city. Atomik Lad fell behind while assisting unfortunates left in the path of destruction. He knew Nuklear Man would be able to handle the situation until he got there anyway. He always could.
__________
Angus’s raging came to an abrupt halt. The thick chains wrapped around his small body dragged him back to the ground with a hard metallic thunk. He could hear, what was it? A train?
“Who’s there?”
He listened closer.
Was it a stampede of some kind? “Nuklear Man? Do ye hear that?”
Stagnant puddles throughout the abandoned grounds rippled. “Where are ye, ye haggis brained oaf?”
“Awww, he’s purring. You wuv Mr. Nuklear Man, don’t you Mr. Whiskers? Yes you do.”
Crushtacean loomed over the horizon.
“Nuklear Man!” Angus screamed. “Git me outta here! That bloody Crab’s here! Blast ‘em, do somethin’!”
“Lookit that belly! Yes, belly, belly, belly!” The cat rolled, stretched, purred, and generally enjoyed the moment almost as much as Nuklear Man.
“He’s comin’ this way!”
__________
Issue 23 – Wherein Angus Has Too Much Crab Meat
Dr. Genius had been monitoring the situation through a passive telepathic uplink. She focused the Scientific: Telepathy Helm on Nuklear Man and tossed all the dials to their maximum settings. “Nuklear Man! Angus needs your help! What’re you—oh no.”
“Necessario un operacion grande y peligroso? Loco Paco’s Discount Surgery!”
She took off the telepathic helm with a forlorn frown. “Spanglish radio.”
__________
“Tee hee, you’re sticking your tongue out!” Nuklear Man told the cat.
Angus Dwarf-a-pulted to safety. Or he would have had Nuklear Man not tied him down with several tons of scrap metal. Angus’s frantic frenzy to escape only served to further enflame Crushtacean’s passions. She’s a bit petite for my tastes, but OH BABY!
“What are ye—ARGODNOPLEASEEERGHELLTHISISHELLBLBLBLE!”
__________
Atomik Lad touched down in front of Nuklear Man three minutes later. A snoozing cat with fluffy gray fur that faded into a white underside was cuddled up in Nuklear Man’s arms. Atomik Lad scanned the area. “Where’s Angus?”
“Never mind that. I found us a new sidekick.”
“Not—”
“Katkat!”
Atomik Lad’s head drooped. “Don’t tell me. ‘Kat’ because he’s a cat.”
Nuklear Man nodded.
“And ‘kat’ because he’s also a cat.”
Nuklear Man beamed with pride. “Exactly. Together, they make Katkat. It’s brilliant.”
“It’s something, all right.”
“You said it.”
“Anyway, what’d you do with Angus? Where’s Crushtacean?”
“I dunno. Angus was making a racket a while ago, but I guess he musta worn himself out.”
“And Crushtacean?”
Nuklear Man shrugged. “He’s a no show.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I brought Angus here, but then I had to tie him down because he didn’t want to go through with the plan.”
“And?”
“And then I found Katkat. We’ve been training ever since.”
“Training? No, don’t explain. We’ve got to find Angus. And how the hell do you miss a giant, rampaging, horny crab monster?”
“It ain’t easy, but I does what I can.”
“Laddies?”
“Angus!” Atomik Lad ran a little deeper into the abandoned factory grounds as his diminutive friend stumbled out of them. It looked like a scene from a movie about the end of the world. “What happened?”
Angus limped from around a corner. He was wearing his heavily armored Iron: Battlesuit outfit backwards. His fierce Iron: Battlehelm was tilted to one side. He had a far-off look in his face. His empty gaze pointed a few degrees over the horizon without focusing on anything. Atomik Lad was reminded of a news anchorman’s vacant stare. The Surly Scot hobbled to him as if on automatic.
“Are you okay?”
Angus blinked one eye at a time and nearly toppled over, but Atomik Lad caught and him and held the Scotsman upright. “Ah’m okay. Sure.”
“You sure?”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“Where’s Crushtacean? What happened?”
Angus shivered. “Ah likes a spot o’ sugar with me crumpets every morning to put the bounce in me step,” he stated matter-of-factly and fell on his back.
“How’d he get out of the iron girders?” Nuklear Man asked.
Atomik Lad followed Angus’s tiny and erratic footprints back into the half-crumbled factory. Inside its walls, Crushtacean was lying on his great underbelly. His enormous pincers were crossed under his head. A smoke stack was sticking out his footjaws, reminding Atomik Lad of a giant cigarette. “He’s snoring?”
__________
Atomik Lad called Dr. Genius to inform her that Crushtacean had been subdued, though he wasn’t entirely clear on the specifics. She immediately mobilized Überdyne’s army of secret vehicles, which consisted of a dozen semi-trucks labeled Inconspicuous Trucking Company. They arrived on the scene within minutes since there was no traffic left in the city. Dr. Genius personally supervised the activities. A tracking device was placed on Crushtacean’s carapace and cargo helicopters flew in to transport The Crab to the ocean and release him back into the wild.
“It’s the humane thing to do,” Dr. Genius was explaining to Atomik Lad.
“I understand, but what if he comes back? Look at what he did to the city in just a matter of hours.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that.” She grinned deviously. “The tracking device is rigged so that if he comes near a civilized shoreline, one of Überdyne’s secret Scientific: Weapon Platform Satellites will zap him with a few terrawatts of laser energy. He won’t bother us again thanks to good ol’ Pavlovian learning.”
“Ah. Yes, humane.”
“Better than dicing him up. Überdyne’s been wanting to break into the seafood industry for years now. I had to talk the board out of it to save this rare and beautiful specimen.” She looked past Atomik Lad. “And here comes Nuklear Man.”
Atomik Lad turned around. “He’s still got that cat.”
“Hey, Sparky, Dr. Gorgeous.” Nuklear Man winked at her and whispered to Atomik Lad. “Chicks dig it when you hit on them relentlessly.”
“Right.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?” she asked.
“See!” he gleefully whispered to his sidekick before answering. “Ima, please! I know I’m irresistibly h
andsome, but let’s try to keep at least a semblance of professionalism despite my perfect physique and charming demeanor. Besides, it’s not little.”
“Nuke.”
“I know this spandex doesn’t leave much to the imagination, but I can tell you from personal experience—”
“Whoa! Nuke! She’s talking about the damn cat.”
“Oh.” He straightened his spandex. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
Ima laughed, “You guys. You’re crazy.”
“Crazy like a lunatic!” Nuklear Man said. “No, wait.”
Atomik Lad sighed. “He found the cat out here somewhere.”
“Crazy like a mental patient? Well, now, that one sounds right, but I don’t know.”
“He calls it Katkat, don’t ask, it’ll only make sense and you don’t need that. I know I didn’t. I’m afraid he wants to keep it.”
“Ooh, Ooh! Can I? Please! I’ll take care of him and everything! I’ll even feed this one!”
“This one?” Ima asked.
“He doesn’t have the best record when it comes to pets. It’s best that we don’t talk about it in public.”
“Oh my,” she said.
“Please?” Nuklear Man begged.
“Oh fine. It’s your birthday.”
“Yippee!”
“Meowr.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, it is your birthday isn’t it. Your present is still in the Magnomobile. I forgot all about it when Crushtacean popped up.”
“Goody! Back to the beach!” Nuklear Man scooped up Katkat and zoomed into the sky.
“No, wait!” Atomik Lad yelled. “Dammit, that’s how we lost number three. I’m sorry, Ima, but I’ve got to keep an eye on them.”
“Understandable. Perhaps next time we get together the entire city won’t be in peril. Be careful.”
“That’s the plan. See you later.” His Atomik Field erupted and he followed his mentor back to the beach.
__________
“Now what’s that special thing all cats can do?” Nuklear Man wondered aloud as he flew back to Larsen Beach with Katkat tucked into his thickly muscled arms.
“Meow?”
“No, that’s not it.”