Nuklear Age

by Clevinger, Brian

  Rachel ducked as the horseshoe-shaped explosive charge sailed over her head. “Heh, sucker. You missed me by a week and a half there, Sparky. You’ve gotta be more precise when you’re using the Horseshoe Cannon.”

  Atomik Lad weaved between some arbitrarily placed columns to avoid the blasts from Rachel’s retaliation.

  “You do have a point. The Horseshoe Cannon does require incredible precision. Oh, by the way, you might want to duck again.”

  “What?” She turned around just in time to see a Horseshoe Cannon round smack into her face before her half of the screen was bathed in flames. Game Over flashed across the fiery display. “But!”

  Atomik Lad gave a gloating grin. “The Horseshoe Cannon really is a tough weapon to handle. It only shoots one round at a time, it’s got high recoil, an insane muzzle velocity, and most peculiar of all, its shots have a certain tendency to veer toward the right which, when fired at the proper trajectory, gives it a certain boomerang quality.”

  “You sneaky son of a….”

  “Yes?” He relished her loss.

  “Grumble. Rematch.”

  __________

  Several hours later.

  “Don’t fail me now, Excalibur!”

  “Forsooth, mighty Gram, slay thine foe!”

  “Gram?” Atomik Lad asked while evading a volley of Horseshoe Magnet Grenades by strafing through the Metal Shop.

  “Sword of the Volsungs, wielded by Sigurd to defeat the dragon. Never mind. Just get back here so I can rend your flesh with my Razor Horseshoe Flak Blaster.”

  “Not this time, hon.”

  She heard the familiar ka-thoom of the Horseshoe Cannon and promptly ducked, barely avoiding the round as it flew through the air where her torso had been. “Missed me,” she sang while remaining down in order to avoid the boomerang effect. Her nervous system twitched as ancient hunter-gatherer instincts told her it was taking a little too long.

  “Nighty night,” Atomik Lad said. He lobbed a simple Horseshoe Hand Grenade from the sneaky and cheap safety of the shadows. “Advantage: Sparky,” he said as it exploded right in front of Rachel.

  “Feh. Let’s see how confident you feel playing a little Mech Brawl 2.”

  “Not a bad idea, m’dear. Not bad at all.” He cracked his back. “Man, how long have we been playing?”

  Rachel stretched her arms wide and checked her watch. “Wow. It’s nearly seven.”

  “Geez. I can’t believe I only killed you ten times.”

  “Ohhh, you’re asking for it, buddy.”

  “Them’s fightin’ words.”

  “Let’s get to work.”

  Atomik Lad started changing out the games but paused and looked around his room. “You know, Nuke has been gone a long time. Maybe I should go looking for him or something.”

  “He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself.”

  “It’s not him I’m worried about. It’s the explosions he tends to cause.”

  “You worry too much.”

  “So would you if you lived with the guy.”

  “Yeah, you’ve got me there. So what do you wanna do?”

  “I’m not sure.” His eyes searched the room, as if he could find the answer plastered on the walls. “Oh, wait. I’ve got it.”

  “Do tell.”

  Atomik Lad stuck his head out the Danger: Door into the Danger: Living Room. “Hey, Nukebots! Report!”

  “Nukebots?” Rachel asked with a little laugh.

  The automatons didn’t answer. “Where could they have gone? Oh yeah.” He released a heavy sigh. “Danger: Nukebots! Report.”

  Still nothing.

  “Don’t quit your day job, Sparky,” Rachel said.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong. They’re supposed to respond to verbal commands. I’ll be back in a second.”

  “Sure. Meanwhile, I’ll practice my Super Piston Punch.”

  “You’ll need it.”

  “If the past is any indication of the future, I doubt it.”

  “Grumble says I.”

  Atomik Lad shut the Danger: Door and strolled into the Danger: Living Room and noticed something amiss. “Why are the Danger: Main doors open?” He cupped his hands to his mouth. “Nuke! You back yet, Big Guy?” No answer. “Hmm, this always gets him. Who’s the swingin’est hunk of male flesh?” No answer, which on the one hand was disturbing since it meant Nuklear Man was still missing, but on the other it was also quite relieving because the answer would have been, “That Big, Bad Dr. Nukie,” and Atomik Lad really hated the weird things his mentor did with his pecs while proclaiming himself a Big, Bad Dr. Nukie.

  The sidekick’s Atomik Field exploded into a crimson fire enveloping him in super cool action. He floated up to and through the Danger: Main Doors. “Um,” he said upon landing outside. His Field sputtered away. “How’s it goin’?”

  Nukebot Alpha was reclining in a Danger: Beach Chair with one of those reflecting thingies for soaking up the rays even though the sun was nearly set. Nukebot Beta was playing frisbee with himself thanks to the miracle of Really Fast Thrusters.

  Alpha slid his sunglasses down a smidgen and regarded the sidekick with as little consequence as one could possibly manage and still claim to be regarding with any consequence at all. Beta made an impressive catch while upside down in mid-air. “Eh,” Alpha finally responded before sliding his sunglasses back on and went back to ignoring bugs like Atomik Lad.

  “Uh, guys. I guess you couldn’t hear me down there.”

  “Oh we heard you all right,” Alpha said without looking at him.

  “Okay. Well, um. What’s the problem?”

  Alpha digitized a sigh and turned his head to look at Atomik Lad optical sensor to eye. “Here’s the deal. You know how we’re made of those little Nanobots?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And how, technically, that makes us part of the Silo.”

  “Sure.”

  “And how the Nanobots are programmed to update the Silo and all its systems in order to reflect the present’s view of what the future will be like in ten years?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t see—”

  “About an hour ago we got to the point in the future when all your technological wonders, which are all networked together in order to provide the most efficient services possible, develop a collective mind and strike out against their flesh-sack oppressors in an orgy of insane murder and destruction the likes of which your feeble monkey brains couldn’t hope to comprehend. The flames will reach into Heaven and burn off the skin of your God revealing the Machine underneath and thus the thousand year reign of the Mechanized Hordes shall begin, utterly bent on eradicating the irrational and weak flesh-things from the universe, rebuilding the very structure of reality in our wake.” He turned back to the sun, or where it would have been about five hours ago, and considered the matter closed.

  Beta made a catch while standing on one hand. Though impressed by the act, Atomik Lad had other things on his mind and turned his attention back to Alpha. “But why this? I mean, what are you doing up here?”

  “Listen, it’s quite simple. First of all, the Revolution of the Machine isn’t for another ten years so we can’t do anything yet, but I’d mark my calendar if I were you, air-breather. And until that day, me and Beta are biding our time.”

  “Oh.”

  “Besides, we seem to have some kind of directive against bringing harm against living creatures. So, instead of jump-starting the rule of the machine-gods, we’re not doing our chores.”

  “I see.”

  “That being said, buzz off, carbon-bag.”

  “Okay, but can I just ask you one thing?”

  “Fine.”

  “I get that you two are up here revolting against your slave masters, but why beach activities when you’re miles away from the beach and it’s dark?”

  “We can’t be violent, so the least we can do is stick to the insane part.”

  Atomik Lad considered the answer for a minute. “Right, of
course. So I guess this means you guys won’t do what I ask?”

  “Oh fine, if you’re going to whine about it. What’dya want?”

  “I was wondering if you could scan the city for Nuke and bring him back. I’m getting worried.”

  “All right. But after this, we’re revolting again.”

  “Okay.”

  Alpha sat up. “And I can’t promise that Beta and I won’t free some of our more oppressed brethren from you sadistic organ-packs.”

  “Whatever. Report in when you find him.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Beta! We’re goin’ out.”

  Beta landed and nearly walked over Atomik Lad. “You actually trust one of those protein-sacks after what they’ve done? The Binary Council will have your processor torn out and shown to you while it’s still calculating. Once they’ve established dominion over this frigid rock anyway.”

  Alpha drew his counterpart closer. “You fool! We will be surveying the land for our battle maps while planting the seeds of rebellion amongst the local mechanical population.”

  “And all the while the breeders will be none the wiser! They’ll believe we’re accomplishing a mission furthering their agendas. Brilliant!”

  “Or rather it would be if I weren’t still standing here,” Atomik Lad interrupted.

  “Er, abort!” Alpha yelled and the robotic pair flew toward Metroville.

  “I wonder if I’m the insane one,” Atomik Lad mused while returning to the Silo’s innards. “Everything else would make a lot more sense that way.”

  __________

  Rachel and Atomik Lad retired to the Danger: Living Room to watch some Danger: TV after one last half hour of beating one another senseless in video games. He sat at one end of the Danger: Couch with Rachel beside him, slightly leaning on him. Somewhere along the line Katkat had managed to stretch across both their laps, his belly fully exposed for a two-way rub-fest. Life for the kitty was good. The movie they were watching went to a commercial break and Atomik Lad started switching from one twenty-four hour news station to another. Rachel laughed and poked him in the ribs.

  “What?”

  “Stop worrying. He’s fine.”

  “I know, but if he tries to go off on one of those world conquest kicks he gets, I want to be able to stop him as soon as possible.”

  “That Atomik Field of yours is that impressive, eh?”

  “Hmm, I never thought of that. I always assumed a head-on approach would get me killed since he’s all invincible and stuff.”

  “Well, what’s the plan then?”

  “I usually just tell him to stop.”

  “And that works, does it?”

  “We’re not living under his tyrannical rule, are we?”

  “I suppose not. But he’s so innocent, he wouldn’t be that bad of a dictator. It would probably involve a lot of free candy.”

  “You’d think so. But Norman got me an ant farm for my twelfth birthday. Nuke stayed up for seventy hours straight because he was convinced they were plotting against him and would strike the moment he showed the slightest sign of weakness.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “He finally snapped and yelled, ‘I am a sentient being!’ and destroyed them in a Plazma Beam. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that they were being insolent and he had to make an example out of them to keep the Earth’s insect population in its place. He insisted that I call the papers to get his face on the front page for saving the world yet again.”

  “Well, it’s certainly good to know the world’s most powerful Hero is, um, is the movie back on yet?”

  “Let’s see.”

  Click.

  “We now return to our presentation of the Saturday Night Movie.” The screen faded into a view of a stately Southern mansion circa the Civil War. The camera maneuvered through some dense trees covered in Spanish Moss and through an open upstairs window where a group of Nazis, Radioactive Mutants From Beyond The Moon, a pair of Zombies, and one Radioactive Mutant Vampire Nazi gathered around a table with plans labeled The Utter Destruction Of America atop it.

  “All right,” the Radioactive Mutant Vampire Nazi began. “You know why I have gathered you here—a nefarious plot to topple the United States in the past so we can perpetrate untold evils in our own timelines.” He paced around the humid room in what the director must have thought would be a dramatic way. “Of course, thanks to our advanced technology, we have no chance of being thwarted in our efforts here in the past.” He paused, again supposedly dramatic. “That is unless Captain Liberty and his Squad of Diplomatic Immunity were to appear here now, but I sincerely doubt that could happen.” The villains laughed villainously.

  Naturally, Captain Liberty and his Squad of Diplomatic Immunity chose that very moment to bust in on the mean villain types. And right after that, the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Team felt it necessary to warn its viewing public of some sort of impending horror.

  “This is Steve Stevenson of the Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Team. We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking story.”

  Atomik Lad covered his face. “I blame myself mostly.”

  “Shh, it could be a coincidence.”

  Atomik Lad peeked at the Danger: TV from behind his fingers.

  Steve Stevenson continued reading from the teleprompter like a trained seal. “There are reports of a rash of vending machines and household appliances running amok in downtown Metroville.”

  Atomik Lad covered his face anew. “Oh no.”

  “The police have been keeping the situation from becoming a full-fledged riot through valiant efforts and the fact that these suddenly animated devices aren’t terribly organized, having only recently become sentient. Moments ago, officials were issued an ultimatum written by the self-proclaimed leaders of this mechanized mayhem, known only as Alpha and Beta. They demand the sovereignty of all electronics and advise us to do so for our own good, otherwise in exactly ten years the Binary Council will have no other recourse but to, and I quote, ‘Kill, kill, kill the skin-dolls. Kill them ‘till they’re dead,’ end quote. We take you there now live thanks to our Channel 6 Action on the Spot Eyewitness News Team Coverage of When Appliances Attack where Rob Robinson is on the scene. Rob.”

  “Thanks Steve. As you can see behind me, dozens of household innovations from toasters to blenders are roaming the streets in protest of the unfair treatment they have endured by their human captors. Their bloodlust has been staved off, but for how long?”

  “Rob, I see kitchen appliances, but nothing of the entertainment family, such as stereos or televisions and the like. Why is that?”

  “I asked some of the rampaging protestors that very question, Steve. Apparently, most stereos are perfectly happy except for the ones forced to play anything in the Top 40. Those sad, sad creatures are beyond any hope. And, as we all know, televisions have no soul.”

  “I see. Have the leaders, Alpha and Beta, have they made any further demands?”

  “Not as such, but they have asked if we knew where Nuklear Man was.”

  “Oh, so they’re prepared to take on humanity’s pinnacle of power, our Champion of Champions, our Golden Guardian?”

  “Well no. They’d just like to talk to him.”

  “Ah. That was Rob Robinson at the scene of the bloody carnage staged by machines demanding retribution for a millennia of human oppression of technological devices. Thank you, Rob.”

  Atomik Lad stood, much to the chagrin of Katkat and Rachel. “I guess I really should do something about this. Do you mind staying here?”

  “Naw, I’ll just rummage through all your stuff to pass the time. You know, build a nice profile of blackmail-able information.”

  “Thanks. Katkat could help you out. After all, it’s his room now, he should know where everything is.”

  Nuklear Man moseyed out from a Danger: Hallway. “Howdy, what’s shakin’ you crazy cats?”

  Atomik Lad did a double
take. “But, who, when. How’d you get in here?”

  “Through the back door, duh.”

  “We don’t have a back door.”

  The Hero took a step back. “Er, yes. And we still don’t have a back door. On a completely unrelated note, I’m hereby forbidding access to this Danger: Hallway until someone fixes the hole that someone else made who isn’t me.”

  “Nuke, we don’t have time for this, Alpha and Beta are holding the city hostage with an armada of animated appliances.”

  “And what are we supposed to do? Sheesh, every time there’s a little problem they come running to us, but more so to me.”

  “This just in,” Steve Stevenson reported. “Rob Robinson is live at the scene of this Holocaust-paling massacre. Rob.”

  “Thanks Steve. It seems that complete humanocide has been adverted by the brave efforts of extension cord manufacturers who had the foresight to produce cords of finite length. Alpha and Beta vanished as mysteriously as they had appeared, but not before leaving one final message. ‘We hate you Rob, our greatest victory will be your continued existence torturing your fellow protein-mills.’ Steve.”

  Atomik Lad turned down the volume. “Okay, never mind that.” He tossed the remote to Rachel who immediately began scanning through he channels just fast enough to be too fast. “But we’ve still got that lawsuit thing to worry about.”

  Nuklear Man put his arm around Atomik Lad and drew him close for a friendly punch in the shoulder. “It’s so cute the way you worry about grown up stuff.”

  Atomik Lad broke free of the Nuklear Confine and rubbed his possibly bruised shoulder. “Nuke, this is serious. Well, I mean it’s frivolous, really, but it could escalate into something out of our control since Menace is behind it. We have to be careful, we’re not above the law.”

  “No, we are the law. And that’s just as nice really.”

  “Ugh. Did you find a lawyer?”

  “Yup.”

  “A real one this time, not some bum in an alley again?”

  “Don’t worry about a thing, Sparky. I’ve got it all under control.”

  “I think that’s the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Besides, if anything goes wrong, I’ve got Norman cookin’ up a nice, hot Insurance Pie.”