Nuklear Age

by Clevinger, Brian

  “Me?” she asked innocently in order to firmly establish that this whole thing hadn’t been orchestrated ahead of time as some kind of master plan to destroy those meddling do-gooders Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad by using the very system of justice which they defend and promote on a daily basis—IRONY!

  She sauntered up to the witness stand and took her seat with a seductive smile aimed at Judge Letgodsortitout.

  Civil Defender stomped up to the Venomous Villainess and shoved a TV Guide in her face. “Do you swear to tell the blah blah blah?”

  “Certainly,” she answered sweetly.

  “Now then, Dr. Menace,” Count Insidious began as he dramatically paced across the courtroom. “Tell us, in your own words, which were not given to you by me last night before a very romantic and expensive dinner, exactly what happened last Tuesday.”

  “Well, I waz sitting in my Secret Lab in my abandoned warehouze when all of a sudden, that man there trespazzed onto my property,” she accused whilst pointing to Atomik Lad.

  Count Insidious gave a nervous laugh. “No, I think Nuklear Man began zapping everything in sight with those unnatural and dangerous Plazma Powers of his.”

  “But that iz not what happened,” she said.

  “Yes, but we’re not putting Atomik Lad in jail, now are we?” he said through a clenched smile.

  “Ah yez.” She faced the jury. “What I meant to say waz that Nuklear Moron began zapping everything in sight. He totally deztroyed exactly two hundred and fifty thouzand dollars worth of my property with thoze unnatural powers of his.”

  Count Insidious held her hand compassionately. “There, there little one. Try to put it behind you. Perhaps with a trip to some tropical island for a few months. One that has a booming night life to enjoy with your vampiric boyfriend. Who is me.”

  “What iz even worze iz that I waz curing canzer when he deztroyed my lab. Now that all of my notez—and therefore evidence—haz been deztroyed, I cannot save humanity. That Nuklear Twit iz public enemy number one.”

  Several members of the jury were in tears.

  “Aren’t they laying this on a bit thick?” Atomik Lad grumbled.

  “Snurk!” Nuklear Man sobbed.

  “Aw geez.”

  “But it’s so sad!” Nuklear Man said with a shuddering whimper. He dabbed at his eyes with his cape. He moved to blow his nose on it, thought better of the action, and deposited the mucousy leakage on Atomik Lad’s shoulder.

  Atomik Lad was frozen in Gross Out for a moment. “Thanks, Big Guy.” He cleaned his spandex with a nearby napkin which also happened to be well within reach of Nuklear Man. “And need I remind you that she’s just making this up?”

  “Sparky! How dare you make such unfounded accusations?” the Hero remonstrated. “She swore to blah blah blah. I think she has more than enough integrity to uphold that.”

  Atomik Lad rubbed his temples slowly. “I think the fact that I’m not insane is proof that I’m out of my mind.”

  “No more questions. Your witness.” Count Insidious said to himself while walking back to the Heroes. He looked through some notes in his briefcase, again without touching them, turned to the Judge and said, “No questions for this witness, your honor.”

  “What’re you doing?!” Atomik Lad blurt. “You’re just making things up out there!”

  He smiled. “This is a courtroom. Truth is what we warp it to be. Besides, I wouldn’t worry.”

  “She’s lying, you’ve got to ask her questions to show that.”

  “Well, since she’s obviously a perjurer, then we certainly don’t want to stain our defense with her shoddy testimony. It’ll make us look bad. Trust me, this way is much better.”

  “We’ll show that we’re innocent if we can prove that she’s lying!”

  “Whoa there. Who’s on trial here, huh?”

  “Gah!”

  “Sparky, why won’t you trust Count Insidious? He’s got hundreds of years of lawyering under his cape. He knows what he’s doing.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” Atomik Lad muttered.

  Count Insidious turned to the Judge, “As I said, no questions your honor.”

  Atomik Lad leaned back and stared into the ceiling. “This isn’t right.”

  __________

  Meanwhile, on televisions across the land, talking heads parroted all manner of inanity in lieu of content.

  “The newest development in this week’s trial of the century of the millennium: Nuklear Man pleads guilty to charges of grand theft auto, credit card fraud, arson, poaching, murder, treachery on the high seas, public lewdness, bigotry, and destruction of property.”

  “Really?” America said collectively.

  “…is what I would not be saying if this weren’t sweeps week.”

  “Ohhhh,” America said. “Well, you better mention something violent, sexy, controversial, or trendy in the next five seconds or I’m going to go to one of the other two dozen twenty-four hour news channels and listen to their blather instead of yours.”

  “Wait! I mean…um, Homicidal Orgy Abortion Terrorist Rampage.”

  “Hm, better.”

  “But seriously, this week’s trial of the century of the millennium began slowly as Judge Hangemall Letgodsortitout was visibly upset by the Heroes. He seems to favor Dr. Menace because, according to this press release penned in a joint effort by both the prosecuting and defending attorneys, ‘…she is as innocent as the dawning sun. May those self-serving, so-called “Heroes” burn in the deepest, darkest bowels of the most excruciating of Hells.’”

  “Despite the dubious nature of that statement, I shall believe it because it is on TV,” America said.

  “Terrorism.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?”

  “According to FCC regulations, we have to say the word ‘terrorism’ every two minutes until the American public will accept it as justification for a potentially limitless number of atrocities without question. Just like they accept the rampant and varied oppressions which they endure every day while fooling themselves into believing they have free will when they make the choice between one cola and another. The fools!”

  “Hey, what was that about conspiratorial oppression of us masses?”

  “Er, terrorism.”

  “Mmm, Terrorific.”

  “Yes. All part of the plan.”

  __________

  Atomik Lad took the witness stand as Prosecutor Mode Count Insidious gave him a look of pure hate and repulsion.

  “Do you swear to tell the blah blah blah?” Civil Defender said disinterestedly.

  “The truth. I swear to tell the truth.”

  “I won’t stand for swearing in my courtroom, boy,” the Judge warned.

  “But—”

  “You best clean up yer act, son.” Hangemall growled. “You’re skating on thin ice as it is.”

  “Fine.”

  “Permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor?”

  “Hostile?!” Atomik Lad said. “You haven’t even asked me any questions yet, I haven’t had a chance to be hostile!”

  “The lad’s got a point, Insidious,” the Judge reasoned. “But I’ll allow it anyway.”

  Count Insidious leaned against the strong pine railing of the witness stand. He lowered his pale, fanged face to Atomik Lad’s and snarled, “You make me sick!”

  “Could you back it up a bit there?”

  Count Insidious paid no heed. “You festering sack of monkey sweat.”

  “Hey now.”

  “You, you heaping pile of sloth’s puss.”

  “Whoa, judge guy. How’s that for language?”

  “Nope, he has every right to call you that after what you and your fellow perjurer over there have done to that sweet, friendly, kindhearted, and—pay attention to this part, jury—innocent woman over there. You stinking pile of fetid excrement.”

  “Thank you, your honor.” Count Insidious straightened his complex eighteenth century garb and began pa
cing around the courtroom. “Is it or is it not true that you posses really freaky and unnatural powers, Mr. Atomik Lad?”

  “I have unnatural powers? What about you, you unholy abomination?”

  Count Insidious was taken aback with shock. “I thought here, in a place of law and order, I could be safe from persecution.”

  “You kill people and feed on their blood to sustain your abysmal unlife!”

  “You see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Ignorance. It’s that kind of narrow-minded intolerance that has caused my people to be hunted for hundreds of years. We don’t kill people, we just drink their blood. Should the victim then later, or perhaps soon after, or even during, perish due to blood loss, well I’m sorry, I just don’t see how that relates to me.”

  “But you’re evil incarnate. The merest hint of pure sunlight will burn your flesh. You’re a monster!”

  “It’s hard to believe that such medieval ideas have managed to survive to this enlightened age,” Count Insidious said, addressing the Judge who merely nodded in solemn agreement. “They regarded my people as monsters in those dark days. I should know, I saw it personally between the blood feasts and razing villages.” He licked his lips hungrily. “Er, anyway. Today we no longer regard the physically challenged as monstrosities, Mr. Atomik Lad. We are people too. We don’t ask for much. Just easy access to public buildings, good parking, and the blood of a virgin offered upon the alter of Qlilporg the Fierce when the moon is in the Fifth House of Zombor. We just want to be treated like the rest of you, is that asking so much, Bigot Lad? Is it?”

  Atomik Lad’s head had been resting on the rail, rocking slowly from side to side for most of Count Insidious’s speech. “Just ask me your stupid questions already.”

  “Did you or did you not trespass on the property in question located at One Old Abandoned Warehouse Way?”

  “Well, no. I was scouting the location when she kidnapped me.”

  “Or rather your privacy-shattering snooping triggered her security system.”

  “Okay, but no. She kidnapped me to hold me hostage in an attempt to lure Nuklear Man into some kind of trap that would kill him.”

  “And it would have worked too, had it not been for their accurzed luck, that iz the only explanation for how my incredibly evil geniuz could be undone!” Dr. Menace yelled out. “Er, what I meant to zay waz, ‘Liez, liez, all of it liez.”

  Atomik Lad continued, “Whatever damages she suffered were the result of our own self-defense. She brought it on herself.”

  Count Insidious spun around to face Atomik Lad. “’She brought it upon herself,’ eh? Sounds like the justification of a rapist to me! Jury, would you believe the testimony of a convicted rapist?”

  “Oink, guilty!”

  “Not yet,” the rest of the jury, Dr. Menace, Count Insidious, and Judge Letgodsortitout scolded simultaneously.

  Atomik Lad put his forehead back on the railing. “Tis a fair court.”

  __________

  Issue 38 – Blind Justice

  Atomik Lad was pulling at his hair. “Something isn’t right about all this,” he said to himself desperately.

  “I know,” Nuklear Man said. “I can’t believe we’ve been using our status as Heroes to lie, cheat, steal, and pillage the good people of Metroville all these years. If that isn’t right, then I don’t want to be wrong!”

  Atomik Lad looked at his mentor and slapped him across the back of the head. “We haven’t done any of those things. You moron.”

  “Ha! Apparently someone hasn’t been paying attention to this trial.”

  Atomik Lad tuned out Nuklear Man and tuned into Count Insidious.

  “And so, as you can clearly see, this Nuklear Man person is the Anti-Christ who controls the entire political and economic realms of the Earth using his mystical mind control world ‘thruple’ and endless legions of manipulative alien Freemasons who make up the Illuminati who control Hollywood to make movies and television shows to keep you all complacent so this man, this Nuklear Man, can dominate the world through his Satanic influences.”

  “Gads,” Nuklear Man gasped. “Does my evil know no bounds?”

  “He’s lying!”

  “No, no Sparky. You’re just playing into my heinous plans. Save yourself while you still have a soul!”

  “What is wrong with you?”

  “I am the spawn of the very underworld itself,” he admitted.

  “How is it that I am continually surprised by the depths of your stupidity?”

  “Evil. You meant depths of my evil.”

  __________

  Count Insidious paced before a new witness who had taken the stand. “Would you please state for the record your name and occupation?”

  The witness leaned into the microphone. “I am Jim Jameson, a nuclear physicist.”

  “So would you say that you are an expert in matters of a nuclear nature?”

  “Oh, yes, most definitely.”

  “And, in your expert opinion, is ‘nuclear’ dangerous?”

  “It certainly is. You see there’s radiation, and explosions, and so on. It’s all quite deadly.”

  “And what would you say about a man who is nuclear?”

  “Why, he’d be a walking public health hazard. He’d have be kept away from society, locked up in some kind of containment vessel, and heavily guarded.”

  “So you’re saying that a nuclear man belongs in jail?”

  “That’s certainly one way of saying it, yes.”

  “Thank you.”

  __________

  “Please state your name and occupation,” Count Insidious said.

  “Ah’m Angus McDougal of the clan McDougal, better knoown to all ye as the Iron Scotsman! Ah’m the appointed Dwarven Warrior for this damn city, and Ah does a kick arse job of it!”

  “Please to be saying the no,” a tiny voice protested from the back of the room.

  “Is there a problem?” the Judge asked.

  “Shiro!” Angus yelled, “Shut ye bloody trap, ye raw-fish-eatin’, haiku-writin’, giant-monster-fightin’, cheap-import-car-makin’, Pearl-Harbor-sneak-attackin’, insane-gameshow-watchin’, L-and-R-sound-swtichin’ excuse for a Dwarven Warrior!”

  “Hai, but honorable Angus-san no correctu. Shiro is time to being now SUPAA ACTION BATTLER DWARF WAARRIORING!”

  “What in tarnation did that kid say?” the Judge asked his stenographer who merely shrugged.

  “Don’t ye pay no attention to that stinkin’ samurai.”

  “One of you better start makin’ sense,” the Judge threatened.

  “Prithee, Shiro is appointment yes. Angus-san on mental leaving holidays. Ways and means, for short time.”

  Angus’s left eye twitched. “Short?”

  Count Insidious stepped up to the bench. “If your honor would permit us a little time to settle this matter.”

  “Little?” Twitchity.

  “Fine, but I’m just about done indulging in these small favors.”

  Twitchity, twitch. “Ye bastards! Ah’ll show ye! Ah’ll show ye all what Ah can do! Just ‘cause Ah’m below the average height don’t mean that Ah’m incompetent!” Angus braced himself, posed angrily, and yelled, “DWARF-A-PULT!”

  But nothing happened.

  “Aw nuts.” He muttered. “Ah must need ta refuel.”

  “Can I ask my questions now?”

  “Aye. Ye bloodsuckin’, no-sunlight-likin’, cross-hatin’, night-stalkin’, fashion queenie. Ask ye blasted questions.”

  “Good. Now then, Mr. McDougal of the clan McDougal, it is no secret that you are a raging drunk.”

  “Aye. I’m a wee bit tipsy now, actually,” he said with a proud tip of his head.

  “And you often associate with this Nuklear Man criminal.”

  Angus crossed his arms which had the soon-to-be unfortunate effect of turning off the Iron: Safety Switch on his now activated and fully operational Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters. “Aye. Someone’s got to be there so that blas
ted over-sized giant oaf don’t mess things up. He couldn’t do anythin’ right if his life. Also, do ye hear somethin’? Like, say, Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters charging?”

  Count Insidious opened his mouth to respond, but Angus’s Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters exploded into action with a bone-shaking thunder that sounded somewhat like every cat in the world had its tail stepped on. The Iron Scotsman burst through the roof with a resounding, “YEEEEEEARGHBLBLBLBLE!!!” and disappeared into the night sky.

  Shiro ran up to the scorched witness stand and struck a match. “Shiro is now timing up for to be SUPAA ACTION BATTLER RESCUE OPERATING TILL COWS COME HOME WIELDING THE DAMAGE—GO!” He lit his firecracker booster rocket’s fuse and got ready for blast off. Which is too bad, because the rocket simply exploded. The Tiny Typhoon stumbled around for a few seconds, coughed out several puffs of smoke and said, “Rittle Rocket is heavy with powaa,” before collapsing.

  Count Insidious looked up at the gaping—yet small—hole, and then back down to Shiro’s prone, smoking body. “Ahem. No more questions, your honor.”

  __________

  “Please state your name and occupation,” Count Insidious said.

  “I am Fred, a prophet of Zarnak the Everloving.”

  “So you’re a religious leader.”

  “That is right, my son. I have endeavored to preach the word of Zarnak to all who may hear it. He loves you, but if you do not love him, he will put you into the most excruciatingly hellish tortures for all eternity. It’s tough love.”

  “And what experiences have you had with the Defendant?”

  “Well, none really. But that demonspawn of his, that vile Atomik Lad. Oooh, I don’t like him at all. He oppressed me because of my religious beliefs.”

  “Oppressed you, a religious leader? I find that interesting ,” Count Insidious said as he approached Atomik Lad. “I could’ve sworn we had a little thing called Freedom of Religion in this country! But apparently this Atomik Lad and Nuklear Man enjoy stomping all over the Bill of Rights almost as much as they like destroying two hundred and fifty thousand dollars of my client’s property! No more questions,” he spat while walking back to Dr. Menace.

  “But I must preach the Word of Zarnak and his Eternal Love to the doomed masses I see before me.”