A Different Kind of Despair

by Nicole Martinsen

  Already I could spot individual faces, people clutching their chests and their breaking hearts, red and runny noses and eyes filled with unshed tears.

  "The world paints you as monsters and you hide behind the convenience of the excuse. Formosa did." Her name rekindled their focus. "But in the end, she let it drop. Her final word was one I hadn't heard since I left my home behind. Urah, she said. Formosa's last word was Urah."

  Someone in the front row sniffed, "What does it mean?"

  I smiled, glad that he asked.

  "Among us barbarians, there is no such thing as goodbye. Urah is the closest you will ever come to a farewell. It means simply, until we meet again. In this world, or reality, the dead never truly leave us, not for as long as we honor their memory in our hearts. Formosa said Urah, because she was more caring than she ever let on."

  Several people chuckled. Hesitant smiles bloomed in the field of faces.

  I raised my own candle, lighting it with a flick of devil's fire between my fingers. I walked to Leo and lit his own.

  "For Formosa."

  He walked to Will and did the same.

  "For Formosa."

  Will walked to Larry and repeated the saying.

  "For Formosa."

  One by one the candles were lit, a soft and steady stream of 'For Formosa' on everyone's lips. They looked upon each other, and I could tell that these necromancers started to see their neighbors as people, not simply colleagues with shared interests.

  Conversations started. Tentative laughter could be heard. I searched for Marvin in the sea of faces, but instead found him huddled behind the stone mound leading to Purilo's caverns.

  He cradled his head in his arms, his legs drawn up beneath his chin.

  I set the candle in the sand between us and sat beside him, leaning against the rock.

  Had it only been a week?

  It felt as though years had gone by. Maybe it was the stress, or the fact that I wasn't human anymore. Or maybe that's just how growing up worked. One day you opened your eyes and the world was just… distant. Small in a way that was almost saddening.

  An hour passed. The tiny candle burned into the sand. I listened as the people beyond moved closer to the oasis, with many enjoying a swim beneath the stars. Marvin was so quiet that I started to get worried. Maybe I should just let him be until he felt ready to rejoin the rest of us. I moved to leave, but was stopped. He held onto the edge of my sleeve.

  "Don't go."

  I sat back down, closer this time. I swished my tail so that he fell on his side, his head across my lap. I ran my hands through his steel gray hair, shining like moonbeams under the night sky.

  Marvin's eyes were red. His was an extremely conflicted expression. On the one hand, he and his mother had a terse relationship. On the other, now he knew that there was a reason for it.

  He should've known. He should've visited. He should've been able to put it all together, but he didn't.

  I could read his thoughts so clearly because I'd also been grappling with the exact same ones mere days before. I stroked his cheek and he grabbed my hand, keeping it against his overheated face.

  I bent low and kissed him on the head.

  "Thank you, Miraj." His voice was filled with tears. Marvin looked me in the eyes. "I love you."

  I expected my heart to flutter the very first time I heard those words come out of his mouth, but it didn't. Instead I felt calm, warm, stable; as though I could finally appreciate them now that they had come at the precise moment they were meant to.

  I kissed him. This was not a romantic moment, or one filled with lust, or even grief. Just love, pure and bittersweet in its simplicity.

  He shifted, his lips not leaving mine as he got to his knees. Our fingers laced together and pressed into the desert sand. The kiss grew more urgent, desperate, and through its evolution I caught a glimpse of the wounds Marvin carried in his heart.

  His tongue parted my lips and I allowed him to move past them. I saw him clearer than I'd ever seen a person in my life. This was a man so fearful of getting close to the people around him for fear of their loss. More than death, this was a man terrified of living.

  This was his way of taking that risk, placing his faith in me that I would take it with him.

  Yes.

  "Yes," I breathed, wrapping my arms around him.

  A thousand times, yes.

  14: Into the Desert

  Retrospect is a funny little concept. One I wish I'd given more thought to before last night's events.

  Marvin and I became a husband and wife in every sense of the word. Which was wonderful, and I don't regret that for a second.

  Buuut it was at his mother's funeral...

  Outside.

  About ten feet away from the nearest person in a group of some hundred-odd people.

  And then there was location. Location. Location. Location. I woke up with sand in places I didn't know existed, with a devil's laugh ringing in my ears as the proof that I was never going to live this down for the rest of my infernal days.

  "Oh shut up," I swore, plunging myself into the oasis -further evidence of last night, as we didn't even head back inside.

  I never understood the fascination with voyeurism. But you, my dear, might just change my mind.

  "And you're disgusting. Have I ever told you that?"

  No. Surprisingly. But it has been duly noted.

  "Good. Now I don't want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the morning, got it?"

  I scoured my skin with a handful of wet sand.

  But it's afternoon. I suppose it can't be helped with your… enthusiasm?

  My eyes rolled to the back of my head. "For the love of-"

  You could quite possibly be the boldest woman of my acquaintance, now that I think about it. An exhibitionist, certainly.

  I stuck my fingers in my ears.

  "I can't hear you."

  As I'm not an external source of sound I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. That having been said, I'm not the only one admiring you this afternoon.

  I looked back over my shoulder. Marvin sat on the shore, shirtless, and waved at me to get on with whatever it was I'd been doing.

  I balked, plunging myself beneath the water.

  Nope. I wasn't going to do this. There's a devil in my head and I'm a demon in broad daylight and my husband is a necromancer with a noble barbarian lineage.

  It was too early in the morning and I won't have anything to do with any of it. Nope. No way. Absolutely not.

  Sadly, the water I was standing it wasn't nearly as deep as I would've liked. Marvin pulled me up by the arms and hugged me from behind.

  "You're awfully cold."

  "I'm wet."

  "Is that an invitation?"

  I released a startled shriek, looking over my shoulder to find myself inches from a stupidly big grin.

  "Who are you and what've you done to my husband?"

  "Me? I'm Marvin, and you're far too prude to be my wife. That said," he loomed over me. "I think you ought to get dressed before she sees us and gets the wrong idea."

  I raised an eyebrow. "What sort of idea might that be?"

  "The kind that involves her joining in whatever she thinks we were doing."

  I turned around and slapped him on the arm. Marvin threw his head back, laughing. The hilarity of the situation wasn't lost on me, and I couldn't stay scowling forever. Soon I was laughing right along with him, both of us cold, naked and breathless.

  Once we got it out of our system we simply looked on one another.

  He stepped closer and gave me a hug, holding my inhuman form so softly it was almost laughable.

  "Are you alright?"

  "Why wouldn't I be?" I asked.

  "The time, the place, the reasons…" he hesitated. "The execution…"

  Koronos laughed in the back of my mind at that last one. I ignored him, giving Marvin a reassuring squeeze.

  "I'm fine. You're fine, and everything
you mentioned was more than fine…. except for that last one."

  He went as rigid as a board.

  "That was excellent."

  Marvin shot me a flustered glare. I laughed.

  "I had you worried for a second there, didn't I?"

  Mediocre at best.

  My expression fell.

  "What is it?" Marvin asked, concerned.

  "Koronos is being stupid again."

  The blood drained from his face. "I can't believe I forgot about him." He turned around, covering his head in dismay. "How much did he-?"

  Everything.

  "Nothing," I smiled over gritted teeth.

  I am not an incubus. Last night was a fiasco in its entirety, cruel and unusual even by Hell's standards, and what has been seen can never be unseen.

  My face must've twitched so hard that Marvin saw through my lie. He slowly backed out of the water and set to getting dressed. I hit my head with my fist repeatedly, hoping I could send the pain to Koronos.

  I demand recompense!

  "If I do what you want will you please shut the hell up for the rest of today?"

  I suppose.

  "Okay," I breathed. "What is it?"

  Stand naked in front of a mirror with your hands at your sides.

  "Y-you, FIEND!" I slammed my fist onto the water. Koronos cackled in my head.

  My, however did you guess?

  "URGH!" I stomped onto dry land.

  Bounce, bounce, bounce.

  I folded my arms over my breasts.

  Now why did you have to go and ruin the view?

  "Marvin," my eyes watered. "Can we go find this Ice Empress soon?"

  He turned to me, worried. "Are you feeling alright?"

  "Yes, I just really, really hate Koronos." I rushed to put on my clothes. "I can't believe I was ever afraid of him. He's no different from a dirty old man."

  I take offense to that.

  Marvin sighed, "Let me talk to him."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Just do it."

  I relinquished control of my mouth. Marvin narrowed his eyes a minute later.

  "Really, Koronos? Have you seriously stooped so low as to go harassing my wife?"

  "Demon. I don't care whose wife it is. Although I do feel some remorse…" He lifted my blouse. I shrieked on the inside. "Since all this is wasted on someone like you."

  I snatched control back from him, startled at how easy it was now that we were bound together.

  "That was a bad idea. I am never letting you out again after that."

  It was worth it for the look on his face.

  "Wait a minute." I got an idea. Since it was that simple to take control then why couldn't I mute him on the inside? I thought about it long and hard, and when I didn't hear Koronos for a full minute I sighed in relief. "Okay, I think I figured out how this works."

  Marvin waited at the door to the cavern, nodding into the darkness. I grinned sheepishly as I walked in first.

  We heard the sounds of activity as we came closer. Once again, the necromancers were up to their old habits, arguing semantics over obscure medical terminology and scribbling down the remainder of Purilo's requested notes.

  Leo and Will greeted us with an enthusiastic wave and a mock-salute, respectively.

  We joined them at their table. Leo shoved food under our noses.

  "So where were you two last night?"

  My lips puckered on reflex. Marvin wasn't doing much better than I was in that regard. Will seemed to catch on faster than Leo. His expression brightened a bit.

  "You son of a bitch."

  Add that to a list of terrible things to say right after a mother's funeral.

  "Good for you."

  That was… unexpectedly polite, coming from Will.

  Leo seemed to catch up at that precise moment in time. His expression cycled from congratulations to envy to accusation.

  "Really, Marv? You reaaaaally had to go and become an adult before me?"

  "It's not a competition, Leo."

  Leo rose, stood on his seat, and set a foot on the surface of the table.

  "Of course it's a competition! It's a battle between men!"

  "If," Will cut in, "men are adults, then by your definition it's a competition between little boys."

  Leo narrowed his eyes at his Doll. "Traitor," he hissed.

  "I don't understand your fixation on the whole thing," Marvin added. But this only seemed to throw fuel onto the fire.

  "Fixation? Fixation?" Leo pointed across the room, to the nearest set of conspicuous cleavage. "This is not fixation! It is our sacred rite as men! Men, I say! It's natural! It's evolution! IT'S SCIENTIFIC!"

  I heard the members of House Soma groan as a group behind us. Marvin went on eating. Will kept on being Will. It quickly became apparent that this wasn't the first time Leo has gone off on a tirade like this.

  "What true man can keep still his inner beast when presented with a pair of plump thighs or heaving breasts?!"

  I chewed on a sandwich, amused that Leo suddenly sounded like a bad pornographic novel.

  Inner beast? I'm a demon with an inner demon, but I mean, seriously? What's next? Burning Rod of Love?

  "And YOU!" he bellowed, pointing at Marvin. "You are the worst offender! For years you've mocked my passions and then you go ahead and experience this sacred realm behind my back!"

  "Well what did you expect me to do, Leo?" Marvin shot back at him, swallowing a mouthful of food. "Let you watch?"

  "YES, BECAUSE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN THE POLITE THING TO DO!"

  Will took this as his cue to punch himself in the side of the head. Leo was effectively knocked off his perch.

  "Thank you," said Marvin.

  "Don't mention it."

  Leo sniffed. "I thought we were friends, Marv."

  "We are friends," he said. "Look. We might even find some Sand Whales while we go look for this Ice Empress character. Will that cheer you up?"

  Leo's face lit up.

  Will groaned, "Now look at what you've done. It took me eight months to get him to shut up on that."

  "I'm sorry," I interjected. "But what are Sand Whales?"

  "Don't ask," Marvin and Will said in unison.

  Leo leaned closer to me. "They all think I'm crazy-"

  "-think? And do you honestly believe we can't hear you?" Will asked.

  But Leo, dearest cousin Leo, wasn't fazed at all.

  "-but Sand Whales are real. You see, we saw this elf once. Jiki's old boyfriend or something. Well, he killed her and then she kept his body around as a souvenir, but anyway-"

  Already I was regretting having asked. Marvin must've seen the look on my face because he tried to diverge the lengthy explanation.

  "So the Ice Empress. Since you seem to know the most about her then do you have any idea of where she is?"

  Leo was stopped in his tracks. Thank Ayasha for his short attention span.

  "Well if Jiki and Formosa knew about her then she's probably in a place filled with spirits. And since she's exiled from her lands then my guess would be that she's in Faespeare Wood. It's about four hundred miles east of here."

  "Exile?" Marvin asked. "What kind of Empress is exiled from her own lands?"

  "A formality. Some kind of treaty, or so I heard." Leo waved his hands at the details. "She did some great and not so great things, but mostly some hoity-toity noble folks got all riled up because her claims to multiple High Cities upset the balance of political power. So they tried to get her to give up some of her claims under penalty of death, but she refused and escaped."

  "So now an Empress is on the run from her own Empire," Marvin surmised. "Gods, it seems like more trouble than it's worth."

  "Yeap. But whatever. I don't pretend to try to understand women."

  "Maybe if you tried to understand them at all you might be able to get a woman in the first place," I muttered under my breath. Marvin elbowed me under the table, signaling that I'd just entered some very dangerous grounds.<
br />
  Thankfully, Leo didn't seem to hear that comment.

  "Actually, about the time went to the Moor of Souls was when the calendar got switched over because of all the fuss. We're now in year 2 A.E. After Exile."

  Marvin and I blinked.

  "The calendar changed?" I asked. "How come I didn't hear about that from merchants?"

  "Any idea how many people survive crossing the continent from east to west each year?" Leo asked back at me. "Between two and six. Faespeare is a dangerous place. Spirits lead people astray all the time. There's all kinds of death traps in those woods, and you can forget about the marshlands to the south of that. I've heard rumors that place is twice as bad. The reason most travel takes so long is you have to go to Isoviel, get on a tiny boat that only comes by twice a year, and sail all the way around Dalani if you want to end up on the other side of it in one piece."

  "Somehow," said Will. "I'm not surprised that we're heading off into a potential death trap all over again."

  Marvin pushed his plate away.

  "I'm surprised you want to tag along at all."

  "We're at fault for allowing ourselves to get routed into the Crone's trap," Will said matter-of-factly, "if you look at it that way then everything from Miraj having to fuse with Koronos to your mother's death is partially on our heads as well. Consider it our way of making it up to you."

  Leo slung his arm around Will's neck, much to the Doll's displeasure.

  "What Willy here means to say is that we care about the two of you. It's easier to get into trouble together than worry about you meeting some grisly death and falling off the map into oblivion. Isn't that right?"

  "Fuck off, Leo."

  "See?" Leo beamed. "Isn't he just precious?"

  We snorted altogether, entertained at Will's expense. The Doll cracked a reluctant smile at our jokes, and somewhere in the back of my mind, in a place where Koronos was blissfully silent, I thought, it's good to be home.

  I never expected, not in my wildest dreams, that I might feel as though I belonged anywhere beyond the Hikari. Yet here I was, a child of the Cascadian Plains having a meal with sun-starved necromancers beneath the earth. I was host to an evil entity, I was in the guise of a being from hell. My cousin was a Sand Whale maniac and his keeper was a living Doll. My husband was a necrophobic necromancer who was, paradoxically, the reincarnation of an ancient genius. Spirits both bad and inconsequential have aided and impeded us, and somehow we have survived to tell the tale.