If You Can't Take a Joke...

by Gordon Gray

  “Oh, Mr Gary, is there a problem?”

  “No,” I said. “No problem but I just do not fill in these awful forms.”

  “But, sir, we need them for our personal assessments and to make sure you were happy with your stay.”

  Her big, dark eyes bore into my head and pleaded with me to fill in the bloody form. But I had taken a stand and felt I could not retreat. “Look, I am sorry, I like the hotel. Please tell your manager I am happy but I do not fill out those forms.”

  Her face fell and her eyes looked like a lost puppy’s as she said goodbye. I took the taxi to the airport feeling like an absolute heel. I flew down to Bangalore and during the flight decided that I would take action.

  When I arrived, I wrote a letter to the manager of the Sheraton Kolkata saying how I had enjoyed the stay and complimented him on the professional and helpful ladies he had in his lobby and reception areas. I hoped that that might filter down to the girls and if it did, I felt it would do them more good than filling in long forms with questions like: “How did you rate your check-in experience? Bad – please state why in more than 200 words; Excellent, superb or, out of this world?”

  Frustrations

  Working in India can be great fun but it can also be extremely frustrating, and the frustration is not always aimed at India. Just getting to the bidding process takes time and effort as the salesman is rarely selling to just one person. Most overseas military forces have sophisticated procurement procedures involving strict rules, many different specialists, and a number of committees who will eventually agree the shortlist of bidders. Then, there is a final bidding process that in most countries is transparent to prevent any form of corruption. So, a lot of work is needed just to be invited to make a bid.

  The UK defence industry has always tried to ensure that whatever it makes for the UK Armed Forces is suitable for the export market too. However, UK MOD requirements come first and usually differ from those of overseas customers, so changes are inevitable. I have never heard an overseas customer say: “I want to buy six of the same system that the UK have got, exactly the same without any changes, and I am happy to pay the same price as the UK MOD.” If that did happen, then the first cry that goes up in the office is: “The UK MOD will never let you sell that there!”

  The UK MOD can refuse to allow a company to sell a system or product if any of the hardware or software is classified. Often, though, depending on the country and the system, they do allow it and give us good support too. If they don’t approve it then, if possible, we must try and sell the system without the particular classified function or technology. When we have got full MOD approval to sell a particular system that is used by the UK, without any changes, and we have been selected by the Indian MOD as a credible bidder for the project, it is even more frustrating when the sale is scuppered through a lack of professionalism and disinterest within the company.

  A technical colleague, Jim, from our Edinburgh simulation division was in India with me. Jim was a large, genial, easy-going rugby-playing fellow, born and bred in Edinburgh, and did not suffer fools at all. We were down in Bangalore as we had set up a teaming relationship with a successful Bangalore training software company and were putting in a joint bid for a defence contract.

  Bangalore is one of India’s most pleasant cities. It is situated on the Deccan plateau at about 3000 feet. Its climate is delightful with an annual temperature range of about 15 to 30 celsius. It has a long history and has been a military fort and garrison town since the 1500s and was captured by the British in 1791. Today it is one of India’s major cities and the centre for IT and software, known as India’s silicon valley, as well as being home to many major government-owned and private aerospace and defence companies.

  After working on the bid in the UK, Jim and I flew to Bangalore to help the local company complete their part of the proposal documents and finalise the quotation. After five days work, we rang Anne, the general manager in Jim’s UK Office, who had been handling the prices as the promised ‘sign off sheet’ for the project had not arrived and we could not submit the bid without the sheet being signed. The receptionist told us that Anne was now away on leave, but we were put through to Graham – one of the project managers who, we were told, was acting as her deputy. “Oh no, not him,” sighed Jim at the mention of his name. I spoke to him. He did not seem to be too aware of what I was talking about.

  “Look,” I said. “All those costs have been taken from the existing MOD contract, Anne approved them last week for this bid and even briefed the board on the project last Monday.

  Jim asked for the phone. “Graham, it’s Jim, I have got all the original prices from the MOD contract here on my laptop and I also have the general manager’s figures with the new India factors included, which is what we need signing. We can go through them together now,” said Jim.

  “I haven’t got time,” responded Graham.

  “But all we need is a bit of paper to say it’s OK to use what we have here,” pleaded Jim. “So, can you please sign off the cost sheets for this bid and send them out to us asap.”

  There was a pause and I took the phone back from Jim. “I cannot do that,” he said quietly. “I did not work on the MOD project so I have not seen the figures before nor studied them and I need to go through them in detail before I can sign them off.”

  I tried to reason with him. “Well, I can understand that, but Jim and I must have them tomorrow at the latest as we are putting the proposal together now and must have your approval sheet for the costs to go with our Indian partner’s quote.”

  “That will take time,” he said slowly.

  I was now getting a bit exasperated. I was speaking on my mobile phone in our Indian partner’s office so got up and walked out onto their flat roof space so they would not hear my anger. Then, I continued, “Look Graham, we are on the end stops here. This is a £3m project and if we do not get the approved prices out here in the next twelve hours, this whole project is down the pan. Our Indian partner will think, quite rightly, that we are a load of timewasters, the Indian MOD will bar us from this whole project, and Jim and I will be seen as idiots. The figures we are using are taken directly from a very recent UK MOD contract and have been reassessed by the general manager, your boss, for this bid. Can I ask you to check it now and get back to me, please. In fact, please talk to the finance and marketing directors, who both know about this bid and its importance.”

  This was far too much like hard work for Graham. He would not give me a straight answer but said he would ring me back. I was blazing. We had to submit the proposal and quote to the MOD in Delhi in two days’ time.

  When he eventually did call back the next day, he said, “I cannot sign off these costs as I have not had time to study them.”

  Again, I took my mobile phone and walked out of the building. “Jim and I have been stuck in Bangalore for five days to finish this proposal which we have to take to Delhi tonight and we are waiting on you for authority to submit the already approved prices we already have on Jim’s laptop. Without them, we will miss the submission deadline, which is 11.00am tomorrow. Our Indian partner will think we are idiots and the MOD would be very annoyed that we failed to follow up with a promised bid for work. It has taken me months out here to ensure that we were even invited to bid in the first place. It will seriously set us back in India if we do not make this bid. You are in the UK; I am in India, five and a half hours ahead of you. Would you please speak to John, my boss, and the finance and marketing directors asap to assure yourself that this is a genuine bid and that the costs are OK to use.” He said he would try. I then rang round the marketing and financial directors myself to say this was going on and ask for their help. Neither seemed too excited to put it mildly but agreed to talk to Graham when he called.

  Six hours later, with no news, we went ahead and completed the proposal based on what we knew the approved prices should be. As I had to be at the airport two hours ahead of the flight, I left the guys f
inishing binding up the proposal and they would drive it to the airport later. I had already cleared security and the flight had been called when they arrived and the documents were passed across to me by the airport security staff.

  I got back to Delhi after the two and a half hour flight from Bangalore and arrived at the hotel at about 11pm. As I walked into the room, I saw that the message light was flashing, which is always a bad sign. It was from John, my boss in the UK, telling me to call him urgently. When I called him, he said, “We are ‘No Bidding’ this prospect. You must not submit the bid.” I was not happy to say the least. John was a good guy but I was so angry that I vented my feelings as I now had to tell both the Indian Company and the Indian MOD the good news.

  At the end of it all, the reason was simply that Graham, the acting general manager of the simulation division, refused to sign off costs that he had not actually compiled himself. This was in spite of the fact that the general manager had approved them and briefed the board on the bid the week before. When the general manager returned she was as furious as I was and called a meeting to find out why it had happened. The blame was placed squarely with the acting general manager but also with the directors who failed to lift a finger to help. A bid that everyone in the company had approved was scuppered when one link in the chain went on leave. It proved one thing: It is impossible to succeed overseas without a very strong support team back at base who are all committed to the bid.

  Indian Security

  Having mentioned Jim, he and I had an amusing time on a later trip. We had managed to set up a meeting at one of the Indian Army’s technical development centres near Hyderabad. Hyderabad is situated in the south, and like Bangalore it is on the Deccan plateau. It has a similar history to Bangalore but is noted as a centre for culture. It has its own film industry and is also a famed centre for freshwater pearls. It is a centre for some of the largest private healthcare companies in India and is increasingly becoming an IT centre as well. It is also noted as the culinary home of the biryani. A biryani is a baked dish consisting of marinated meat or fish and spiced basmati rice.

  While the army base had agreed to our written request to give them a capability presentation and discuss their future requirements, they made it clear that they were required to get security clearance for our visit to the base from the army security HQ in Delhi. We duly sent off all the required personal data to India through the designated channels. Before we left the UK, I rang the base to confirm the meeting date and time. I spoke to the brigadier’s staff officer, a Major Sharma.

  He was most cordial and said, “Everything is fine, please do not worry; the clearance will be here in the next day or so. But, please do not be leaving Delhi for Hyderabad until we have received the clearance from army HQ.”

  “That’s fine, I will call you from Delhi.”

  We arrived in Delhi and rang Major Sharma the day before we were due to fly down to Hyderabad. “The clearance is expected any minute on the fax,” he said. “But please do not be leaving Delhi until it has arrived.”

  I rang him later that day. “Ah, the clearance for your good selves is due here at any moment, we are speaking to Delhi now – so please carry on to Hyderabad tomorrow, but ring this number before you come out to the base to check that the clearance definitely has arrived, otherwise we cannot let you in.”

  We flew down to Hyderabad on an early flight and went for a coffee while we rang the base and waited for the army clearance.

  “Yes. Ah, Mr Gary, you are here in Hyderabad, that is good. Your clearance will be here any moment now, I am speaking with my colleague in Delhi and all will be fine but please wait in the hotel until it is here. Please call me later.”

  This was all becoming more amusing by the minute. I called an hour later.

  “Ah, all will be fine. We think you can come to our base so that you will be nearby when it comes through.” By now, it was after 11 o’clock. We got a taxi out to the base which was a collection of small buildings tucked away down a quiet country lane. The security guard on the gate was expecting us and let us straight through without delay. He directed us to a building set back just past the main gate. It looked more like a small country hotel than an army base. It was a charming single-storied building smartly painted in whitewash with red tiled roof and with flowering geraniums in pots all along the red sandy path that led to the front door. The scent of geraniums in the sunshine wafted us along to the open front door. A warm relaxed atmosphere seemed to pervade the place.

  Inside, we were met by a different officer, a helpful Major Shankar, “Major Sharma was called away on urgent business,” he said. He took us into a waiting room and got us some tea. By 12 o’clock, nothing had happened.

  I sought out the major. “Ah well, we think that the Delhi man has just gone for his lunch-break then it will come, be assured.”

  As Jim and I were getting tired of this and it was clear that no lunch was being offered for us here, I suggested to the major that we should go back to town and have some lunch ourselves, then come back at 2 o’ clock.

  “That is a most excellent idea. Yes. Yes, you please do that.”

  We arrived back at the base at 2 o’clock. The major met us at the door. “We are sorry we cannot take you into the presentation area until we have the clearance, but it will be here any minute now. I am speaking to the fellow in Delhi momentarily. No need to worry, it is coming. Please wait in the reception area.” Then, he vanished. Jim and I relaxed and drank more tea and studied the walls.

  After an hour, I went to find Major Shankar. “What is happening, Major? We have been waiting all day now. Has the clearance come? Is there a problem that we can help with?”

  “No, no problem, we must just wait a minute or two for the fax to come.”

  “Can you not get a verbal clearance?” I asked.

  “No, we must have the correct form for the file, you see. Delhi are very strict on these things.”

  I went and sat down again. Then, after a further twenty minutes, the major came in. He was smiling.

  “Ah! The clearance has arrived?” I asked with as big a smile as I could manage.

  “No, not yet, but it is coming, so you should set up your presentation now. Please come along quickly.”

  He hurried us to the presentation room as if it was us who had arrived late! We set up the laptops and projector and waited. We went through the slides ourselves to fill in the time. Then, we did it again. Something seemed very odd about all this. Then, I realised what was bothering me.

  “You know Jim, this is all a bit silly isn’t it? They are saying we cannot give them a presentation on our company capability because they do not yet have a faxed clearance to let us into this presentation room. Yet, here we are in the room all set up and ready to give it.”

  Jim just smiled and shrugged and muttered something in a heavy Edinburgh brogue that was probably not translatable, then carried on staring out of the window studying the different types of potted geraniums outside.

  Finally at 15.30, the brigadier walked in with a small entourage following him. “Please carry on, gentlemen,” he said and sat down in the front row.

  “Did the clearances arrive?” I whispered to the major as he passed me.

  “No. The brigadier just got bored with waiting for clearance.”

  India! Aaaarghhh!

  Chris

  In dealing with the Indian Army, we were really grabbing a tiger by its tail. There are over one million men in the army, which is divided into hundreds of regiments, units, departments and assorted research and development establishments all over India. BAE had developed a Battlefield Management System (BMS) for the British Army and we had exhibited at one of the defence exhibitions in India. This had caused a lot of interest from the Indian Army. The potential for this system was huge and ran into many tens of millions of pounds, even if we ended up just selling software packages. It was clear that Indian industry could and would make the hardware and any deal would be with Ind
ian industry who would actually sell the finished system to the army. I began a round of contact building, formal presentations and meetings with the initial contacts and with the Indian defence industry. This was met with genuine interest and I immediately realised that I needed help. I was not a soldier and this was all Greek to me; I needed someone who understood, as a user, how it worked and how it was used – so I started to ask around. Then, one day, I had a call from someone called Chris Wood in BAE down at Christchurch where the army systems are developed. He said he had heard that we were trying to promote the BMS into India and perhaps he could help. I met Chris a couple of days later to explain what we had done so far and what problems I was now having as I had no user knowledge of the system. Chris was a young forty-something, tall, blond, very cheery and positive. He had recently joined BAE having retired as a major from the British Army. He was an artillery officer and had used these systems and understood them well. Chris was keen to get involved and come out to India and he supported me on a number of trips over the next few years.

  The moment the Indian Army realised Chris was ‘one of them’ – ie an Army officer – they relaxed and opened up the discussions. We got introductions to different departments and branches that all had to be involved and approve of our system before any official requirement for it could be raised. Gradually, we worked our way up through the army until we were regularly having meetings with the relevant generals – be they of artillery, generals in charge of command and control, generals in charge of signals etc – until we knew we had spoken to everyone we needed to. Chris and I worked in India together visiting army departments and the defence industry in Delhi, Bangalore, Kolkata, Chennai and Mumbai. We felt that we were trusted and could see the huge potential for the system in an army of one million men.