Lily’s War

by June Francis

He made no reply, his hands moving over her body. He kissed her unresponsive mouth and undid the top four buttons of the prim white blouse. She felt numb, as if none of it was really happening. Matt with that girl! Matt with that girl! The words repeated themselves over and over in her head like some dreadful manta. Rob eased the blouse off her shoulders but it was not until he dropped on to her and bit the peak of an exposed nipple that she came alive. ‘Get off me, Rob,’ she snapped. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing? I didn’t ask for any of this.’

  ‘It’s what you need, though,’ he mumbled.

  ‘You’re wrong!’ She struggled to bring up her knees to force him off but he was too heavy. ‘Rob, will you get off!’ One of his hands slid up her bare leg and slapped her thigh. The surf crashed on the beach a few feet from them. ‘Our shoes’ll get wet if we don’t move!’ she said desperately. ‘Rob, will you behave yourself, please!’

  He shifted and gazed down into her face. ‘How can you care about getting wet at a moment like this?’

  ‘What moment?’ she demanded. ‘The moment when you force me into doing something against my will? It’s not you I’m married to! If I was maybe I’d think this was real romantic, but as it is, it’s wrong. So will you move your carcase before I start screaming?’

  ‘You wouldn’t,’ he muttered.

  ‘Wouldn’t I?’ She opened her mouth wide.

  Swiftly he placed a hand over it. ‘All right! But I don’t know why you should be so moral when that louse of a husband of yours has deserted you for my sister.’

  She pushed away his hand. ‘Because that’s the way I am!’ There was a catch in her voice. ‘And maybe you wouldn’t fancy me so much if I was easy.’

  ‘Maybe I wouldn’t.’ His hand stroked her bare shoulder. ‘OK! One kiss as if he didn’t exist and then I’ll move.’

  She stared up at him and sighed. He really did have film star looks so why couldn’t she feel more for him? Her arms went up about his neck and brought his head down. She kissed him with Matt in her thoughts. A kiss which seem to go on for ever though it was not as good as some kisses can be. She dropped her arms and pushed him away. ‘Take me home, Rob, and maybe if you behave I’ll see you tomorrow evening.’

  ‘Take a day off. I’ve got to go back in the afternoon.’

  She shook her head and could see he was annoyed.

  All the way home they were both silent. She was trying to think sensibly with a clamp on her emotions. What was the truth about Matt and his sister staying in the same hotel in Broken Hill? If it was true, she thought suddenly, it could not have been long after Matt had seen Miss Morell and told her he was married and missing Lily. What if Rob was lying about them being booked in the same hotel to gain his own way?

  He drew up outside the house. ‘So I won’t see you tomorrow?’ he said stiffly, his hands gripping the steering wheel.

  ‘Sorry, Rob.’ She wondered if it was any use asking if he was telling the truth but decided it was not. He was a stubborn man. ‘Have a safe journey.’ She kissed his cheek.

  He stared at her, that mulish expression back on his face. ‘I haven’t given up. I’ll be back.’

  She smiled and shut the car door, convinced he would falsify information for his own ends, as they said on the movies. Without looking back she went into the house, having decided if Matt was not with Abby, then she would do what Miss Morell had suggested and write a letter to the Anglican Melanesian Mission.

  As she waited for an answer Lily was tormented by bad dreams. Perhaps Matt was dead, had been so all this time.

  Three weeks later she received an answer from the Melanesian Mission: Matt had volunteered for missionary work in Papua months ago. He was working in a remote village from which they received little news. As far as they knew he was safe and well.

  Lily could only believe Matt had changed his mind about marrying her and had gone back to following his God. Maybe he had sinned with Abby and this was the only way he could cope with his guilt? The information put a seal on what she had almost decided. With her dreams in shreds, she bought a ticket on a liner which would take her home to Liverpool.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lily glanced up the street of redbrick houses and then at the wording thorpe’s diary on the shop window, and considered how familiar, yet strange, it looked. Her homecoming had a peculiar feel to it. She had expected grey clouds and khaki-coloured waves but the surface of the Mersey had reflected the blue sky under a warming late March sun as vessels of all shapes and sizes went about their business, just as their forerunners had for hundreds of years. She had felt a strong sense of history going along Dale Street. The towering blackened Victorian buildings, guardians of commerce, had given her the same feeling as slipping on a comfortable well-worn shoe after wearing new high heels. This was home.

  As the tram rattled its way up William Brown Street, past the reference library and museum on one side and St John’s Gardens where daffodils bloomed on the other, she had experienced that inexplicable surge in her blood which she had never felt in Australia but which was somehow connected with the feel in the air of an English spring.

  Until she stepped on to the landing stage she had been uncertain whether her actions had been right. As the ship surged into the northern hemisphere, she had been very conscious of turning her back on a dream New World and in so doing making it impossible to have a claim on such a dream in the future. God only knew if she and Matt would ever see each other again, and she was no longer exactly on speaking terms with God at the moment.

  ‘Is it really you, Lily?’

  She placed her suitcase on the sandstoned front step of the dairy and turned to see Mrs Draper, a half smile on her wrinkled face.

  ‘Don’t say it,’ said Lily in a pleading voice, wondering if instead of Aunt Dora and Mrs Draper to give her advice, things would have been different if her mother had been there to turn to.

  ‘Don’t say what, my dear? It’s lovely to see you.’ She held out a hand and gripped her fingers. ‘They’ve missed you! We’ve all missed you. Always a smile for people, not like—’ She stopped abruptly, pursing her lips. ‘No, I won’t say it. You’ll find out for yourself. Maybe when you’ve got a minute you can call in for a cup of tea and tell me all about your adventures and what your dear husband is up to? Could you do that, my dear?’

  ‘I’ll do my best,’ said Lily, warmed by her words despite the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  ‘I’ll see you later then.’ The old lady trotted off down the street.

  Lily took a deep breath and pushed wide the shop door but no bell jangled and there was nobody behind the counter. She looked up and saw a piece of rag tied round the bell’s clapper. A puzzled frown creased her tanned face and getting a stool from a corner she climbed up and tugged the rag free. Then she opened and closed the door several times, setting the bell jangling.

  ‘Who’s messing with my bell?’ called Daisy irritably from the lobby. ‘I’ll have your life if it’s one of you kids!’

  ‘What’ll you do to me, miss?’ said Lily, mimicking a child’s voice as her sister came through the door.

  ‘Lil!’ Daisy dropped the slipper she was carrying and put her hands to her face, her eyes filling with tears.

  ‘I know it’s a shock,’ said Lily unsteadily. ‘But there’s no need to cry.’

  ‘I can’t believe it!’ She dropped her hands and clutched the front of Lily’s coat. ‘Ben never said!’

  ‘Ben didn’t know.’ She hugged her sister tightly. ‘I hope you’re pleased to see me and won’t ask too many questions all at once?’

  ‘Oh I won’t ask anything.’ Daisy stared at her. ‘You don’t know what it’s been like. I haven’t known what to do. I hate being at home. But I’ve done my best to do things the way you’d have done them.’

  ‘Your heart’s not in it.’ Lily scrutinised her features, realising her sister had never become again the girl she had been before the accident. There was a discontented droop to
her mouth and her hair was pulled back in a loose knot in the nape of her neck. She wore a flowered overall but no make-up. Fortunately the scar left by the burn had turned white and was barely noticeable.

  ‘My heart’s not in anything.’ Daisy sighed. ‘There’s talk of there being another war. Our Ben was saying Britain and France have pledged to support Poland if Hitler invades.’ She spoke in a quick breathy voice. ‘I don’t know what I’ll do if we were to have air raids as they did in Barcelona – but the Corpy are making all kinds of preparations and going on about carrying gas masks and I can’t help thinking about what Dad told us about gas attacks in the trenches.’

  ‘It probably won’t happen,’ said Lily.

  ‘You think not?’ She nodded and Daisy appeared reassured because she smiled. The smile altered her whole face, making her appear more youthful. ‘Anyway, what about you?’ she asked, obviously forgetting what she had said about not asking questions. ‘What are you doing here from down under? You made it sound marvellous in your letters.’

  Lily picked up her suitcase and pushed Daisy in the direction of the kitchen. She had done a lot of thinking on the voyage home but only now did she made the decision what to tell her sister. ‘Make us a cuppa and I’ll tell you all about it.’

  The tea was duly made, accompanied by a shop-bought scone spread thickly with farm butter. Lily did not speak until the first cup of tea was drunk. ‘Matt’s in New Guinea spreading the gospel to the headhunting natives. It’s a largish island up from the Queensland coast.’

  Daisy’s eyes widened. ‘And you let him go?’

  Lily brushed crumbs from her lap, and avoided looking at her sister. ‘You know Matt. If he believes that’s where God wants him, then nothing’s going to put him off, not even having a wife.’ She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice but did not quite succeed.

  Her sister shuddered. ‘Isn’t he brave!’

  ‘Hmmph,’ murmured Lily. ‘But who wants a dead hero?’

  ‘At least he had the sense not to order you to go with him.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, he had that much sense,’ murmured Lily, filling her cup again and wondering if she would have gone if the choice had arisen. It would have been a real test of love, she thought wryly, living like Jane and Tarzan in the jungle with the natives.

  ‘Was it his idea that you came home to see us? Nice of him if it was.’

  ‘He left that decision to me. He knew I still had some money left over from Uncle William’s little nest egg.’ She lied without flinching. ‘How are Uncle William and Aunt Dora, by the way?’

  ‘She’s much the same as usual but he’s not supposed to do as much … had some kind of funny turn. Ben says he’s not very good at being told.’

  ‘Tell me a man that is,’ said Lily, leaning back in the chair and stretching her legs towards the fire.

  ‘Ted’s the same,’ said Daisy bluntly. ‘I never thought he’d be so persistent.’ She glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. ‘Any minute now he’ll come in the shop, suggesting we go for a walk. He lost his job a few months ago.’

  ‘Poor Ted.’

  Daisy nodded. ‘It’s hit him hard. I feel sorry for him.’

  Lily smiled. ‘Then you doll yourself up and go for your walk while I mind the fort.’ She would be glad to have a few minutes to herself before Ben and the children came in.

  Her sister hesitated. ‘How long will you be staying, Lil?’

  ‘I’ll be here for a while,’ she said evasively, leaning forward and poking the fire. ‘If you can get a job, you go back to work.’

  ‘Thanks!’ Her sister hugged her and ran upstairs.

  After Daisy left with Ted, Lily wandered round the house, looking in the bedrooms. It seemed Ben was still using her father’s old room. He had put up a shelf for his collection of second-hand books and a faint scent of tobacco hung in the air; the once familiar smell of rum had seemingly gone for ever. She went into what had always been called the girls’ room. Daisy had left her apron on the floor and there was face powder on the dressing table. Lily looked at the double bed and could not fancy sleeping three in it again. She decided she would buy a single. For a moment she remembered how comforting, as well as exciting, it had been sleeping with Matt, and felt a familiar ache. The medicine for that kind of pain was work, she told herself, and went downstairs.

  She found her old pinafore, still on its hook, and walked down the yard to the shippon. She sniffed the familiar smell of straw, metal and manure. There was a reassuring sense of belonging as she moved among the cows, recognising several old friends and talking to them softly. Then she heard footsteps coming down the yard and hurried to the door to fling it open.

  Ben stared at her before a slow smile eased his face and she realised he was not surprised to see her. ‘How?’ she demanded.

  ‘How what?’ he said.

  ‘How did you know?’ It was almost as if the last seventeen months had never happened.

  ‘It was the way you wrote. I knew something was up. What went wrong?’

  ‘I don’t know if it was me that went wrong,’ she said slowly. ‘I’ll tell you while we do the milking.’

  Lily told him everything and afterwards he was silent for a long time. ‘Well?’ she demanded at last. ‘What do you believe is the truth?’

  Dark blue eyes met dark blue. ‘You say you never received a letter from Matt after that first one we sent you?’ said Ben.

  Lily caught on quickly and her heart begun to beat with thick heavy strokes. ‘You mean there was a second?’

  He nodded. ‘It was months after. I was surprised when it came but thought maybe it was something to do with the post. It’s a long way between here and Australia. Anyway I sent it to you in Sydney.’

  ‘When did it come?’ Her voice was breathless. ‘Can you remember the time of year if not the month?’

  ‘Summer!’ he said without hesitation. ‘It was when it didn’t get dark till after ten.’

  Lily pressed a hand against her lips. Their first wedding anniversary. It had to be then. But what had Matt written, and why send the letter to Liverpool, and why had she not received it when Ben sent it to her? How different everything would have been if she had received that letter. It might have said much that would have helped her understand his actions and she could not help wondering if there had been others that had gone missing.

  ‘I don’t believe Matt ran off with any sixteen-year-old,’ murmured Ben.

  She looked across at him. ‘So I’ve only God to contend with then,’ she said with a slight laugh.

  ‘Matt never pretended his work wasn’t important to him,’ said Ben slowly. ‘But it sounds to me as if he doesn’t know you went to join him. Perhaps he believed you’d had second thoughts about marrying him.’

  ‘I didn’t. Ever.’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Even when this Rob bloke came on the scene?’

  ‘I was flattered. He’s so different to Matt … full of himself.’ She stood, not sure how she felt now, and carried the pail of milk into the cool room.

  Ben followed her. ‘Are you going to write to Matt and tell him you’ve been and gone and come back from Australia, then?’

  Lily hesitated, then shook her head. ‘What would be the point? He’s in a village miles from anywhere. Perhaps that’s the way he wants it?’ She attempted a smile. ‘I’ve made a right mess of things, haven’t I?’

  He shrugged. ‘Things happened that you couldn’t have foreseen. If you’d gone with him straight away …’ They were both silent. Then he smiled. ‘Anyway, I’m thankful for small mercies. You’re here now and I’m glad of it. Our Daisy’s been a right misery guts. She’s not cut out to stay at home. Now she can find herself a job.’

  Lily agreed. She’d had enough at the moment of slaving for someone else for a pittance. At least here in the dairy and the house she was mistress of all she surveyed and could pick her own hours.

  At that moment the door bust open and May entered the cool room. Her cheek
s were flushed and her hair hung down her back in a thick plait. ‘It’s true!’ she cried. ‘I didn’t believe it when Mrs Draper said you were home. Now we might have something decent to eat. You wouldn’t believe the meals our Daisy dishes up!’

  ‘They couldn’t have been that bad because you’ve grown,’ said Lily with a smile in her voice.

  ‘I know,’ said May, thrusting out her burgeoning breasts. ‘Jean McGuire’s only got a couple of pimples and she’s dead jealous. Can I have a bra? Our Daisy said no, all the lads’ll come after me, that I’ve got to carry on wearing me liberty bodice and keep it flat. You don’t think that, do you, Lil?’

  Before Lily could open her mouth, Ben grunted, ‘Heaven help the lads in a year or so with you around,’ and left the room.

  ‘What’s wrong with old narky? I thought he’d be glad to see you back,’ said May, hoisting herself up on to a table and swinging her legs. ‘Have you come home for a holiday? I’d have thought you wouldn’t ever come back here.’

  ‘Then you’re wrong, aren’t you?’ said Lily, seizing her arm and dragging her off the table. ‘Hygiene, May.’

  May stuck out her tongue and then hugged her. ‘I know it’s too late now but do a lamb hotpot tomorrow.’ Her voice was muffled against Lily’s shoulder. ‘I always loved your hotpot.’

  ‘I’m glad I was good for something.’

  May pulled away, her eyes bright. ‘I’m going to run and meet our Ronnie so I can be the first to tell him you’re here!’ She raced out of the room.

  Lily thought how she would have liked to run to meet her younger brother but felt certain a fourteen-year-lad would not like it. So instead she peeled potatoes and put them on to boil. There was liver in the meat safe so she fried it with onions, made gravy and opened a tin of peas. Ben came downstairs with his hair damp. ‘That smells good. You could sole shoes with our Daisy’s liver.’

  ‘Poor Daisy,’ said Lily in a mock severe voice. ‘You’re an ungrateful lot.’

  ‘That’s what Ted kept saying. He wants to marry her despite her treating him terrible.’