by W. A. R.
She looked forlorn, hesitant. “Miles…”
“Talk to me…tell me…”
She stood there, silent for only the briefest of moments before speaking. “I know you’re upset…” she began, avoiding his request. He felt something sweep through him.
“You don’t know anything because you haven’t asked!” he exclaimed, allowing the hurt to reclaim his tattered mind. Tears stung his eyes and he felt breathless. His hand absently found his chest just as it had that morning whenever he had seen her, heard her speak his name. He opened his mouth to speak and looked away from her, unsure of where to begin. He rubbed the area over his aching heart. “I…” he licked his dry lips. “Don’t you understand how much I worried…I have never been so devastated…” he couldn’t finish a thought and he felt every emotion he was feeling tumble through him, pricking and poking at his veins. “I missed you.” He finally managed, unable to look at her. What had just come over him? “I couldn’t even…And now…you can’t even…you can’t look at me.”
“Miles…I think…I think you need to sit down. You are exhausted…” she began, reaching out for him but he took a step back from her. She dropped her hand and stared at him, obviously in turmoil.
“No…I need to talk to you. I need to know what in the hell is going on!” he yelled at her and she flinched, her fingers twisting at her waist. “One minute you were alive…you were alright and I was trying to find a way back to you and then you were dead by my son’s hand. I lost my fucking mind, Amber! I tried…I almost killed George…I…And the next thing I know…my son isn’t the bad guy and you are alive! I…I should have been relieved but all I feel is angry! I’m angry because I lost you, I’m angry because you didn’t listen…I really want to beat the hell out of Buddy right now…and I am so very angry because you won’t talk to me!” He ran his hands through his hair. He was exasperated and rambling, his thoughts jumbling together. Amber stared after him. He didn’t notice how Michael and Riley rounded the corner of the house, the others to follow shortly. He didn’t notice Zeus ease up to sit at Amber’s feet. He didn’t care. All he cared about, all he knew then was the pain and the release of the pent-up energy that he was feeling.
“Oh Miles…” she began taking a step forward. “I need you to calm down if we are going to talk…everything you are saying is all…jumbled.” She said easily and he wondered if she was just as tormented as he was. She didn’t appear to be, but she was an expert at keeping her feelings locked away. She always had been. He knew that now.
“Have you even talked to Cassie about everything? Shelly?” he asked her accusingly and Amber sighed heavily. He didn’t want to hurt her, not really.
“Yes…I talked to them all today…and they yelled and cried just like you are doing now…” she told him and she sniffled. She was crying too. “They were just as mad, relieved, and confused as you are now after what I’ve done.”
He shifted on his feet. This was hurting. It hurt so damned bad. “So, it’s just me then, huh? I’m last?” he asked and Amber took another step towards him. Her hand twitched as if she wanted to reach out to him, to rid him of the tears that ran down his face, but she didn’t.
“Yes…it’s just you now.” She told him softly and he closed his eyes.
“There is so much…” he began. He felt himself breaking. This was bound to happen eventually and he knew it…he hadn’t reacted hardly at all since he had taken the chain to George. He had been numb and unfeeling…only acting on base emotions and now it was coming to a head.
“I know…. I know it is a lot…everything…” she paused and he opened his eyes to look at her. Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. “And I know after everything that has happened…everything that you have learned…I know you are angry and hurt…”
“Yes, I’m angry! I begged you not to come for us …I fucking begged you… and you did anyways…”
“Because she couldn’t lose any of you.” Michael stated then, stepping forward. Amber sighed before she stepped back and glanced sideways over at Michael who approached her. Miles instantly missed her nearness and went to reach for her but stopped whenever Michael placed a hand on her shoulder. “She has dealt with a lot of the backfire from it today…and everything hurt her just as much as it hurt all of you.”
Miles felt as if he had been flayed open and he looked at Amber. “What about Brian, Amber? Did you even consider how watching you die made him feel? Or did you tell him of this magnificent plan while you were on that bridge?” he asked of her and he saw the tears coat her cheeks at his words and she looked away, flinching as if in physical pain. He was ignoring Michael, who slowly eased in front of Amber as if trying to shield her from the hurt that Miles was throwing at her.
“No…I didn’t tell him about it. I told him…other things...” she told him on wavering words and he stepped to the side to look at her from her position behind Michael. Michael watched this, in obvious surprise. He had never witnessed a scene like this concerning his father before and in that moment Miles didn’t care. He was talking to Amber…he needed to settle this with her.
“Like what?” he asked and she shifted on her feet, stepping away from Michael and trying to look up at him from across their distance. “Tell me your story. Talk to me. Let me be there for you because I hate this distance that you have put between us.” He told her on trembling lips Things had gone eerily silent. There was no more laughter, no more loud talking and some small part of him understood that all the others were watching this but he didn’t see them, didn’t even bother to look their way.
Amber shook her head. “Miles…you…you wouldn’t understand. There are things that you don’t know…”
“Then tell me!” he exclaimed, his voice pleading with her. “Talk to me! Please! Help me understand!” The tears were hot as they rolled across his face and the look in her eyes was tearing him apart. His chest ached and he wanted nothing more than to fall to his knees and let it all overwhelm him. “Tell me about how much it hurt when Kyle died and how you forgave that monster after what he had done! Tell me how you and Michael found one another and tell me what you told Brian! Don’t hide from me!”
“Miles…I wish it were that easy…” Her words were like honey, warming the sore aching in his chest and yet like a poison because he tasted a bitterness after because she still refused to talk to him, to open up.
“Then…”
She tilted her head to the side, looking at him sadly. “Miles…is this…is this what you want to hear? Will this help make things easier for you to deal with?” she asked of him and he looked at her. “Cassie asked the same questions you are asking now…and I am willing to answer them if it is what you need. I am willing to do whatever is needed to make this all easier for you…but you won’t like the answer.”
Miles looked at her dumbfounded. “I just want you to tell me your troubles…I just want you back.”
“I never left.” She told him, comfortingly easing his mind and she shifted on her feet. She took a cautious step towards him but her actions and words simply weren’t enough. “You know that…I’m still me…”
“Then tell me why it is every single time you look at me you look scared? Are you scared of me? What have I done?” he asked and Amber looked over at Michael uncertainly. Michael stepped forward, and now Rusty and Cassie did as well.
“You haven’t done anything. I’m not afraid of you…I could never be afraid of you…I’m afraid of myself…I’m afraid of…” she paused…her eyes boring into him and Cassie stepped up next to her. Her eyes were saddened and maybe a little angry but she still slid her hand into her mother’s before turning to Miles. He looked between mother and daughter, and then to his son as they all faced him. And it hit him.
“You all know something I don’t….” His eyes flashed to Michael. “What are you not telling me?”
“A lot.” Michael admitted to him honestly. Amber inhaled sharply “But it isn’t my place to tell you. This is Amber’s decisi
on”
Rusty spoke next from behind her. “She hasn’t told you because of how you will react. It is best if you wait until tomorrow.”
He looked at Amber desperately. “I’m last to know…everyone else knows what is going on and I need to know what you are keeping from me. Please…tell me.”
“Miles…even they don’t know everything…” she began but he stepped forward and caught her chin, keeping her eyes locked on his. Michael and Cassie watched this with interest, as if ensuring that he wouldn’t hurt her. Tears clouded her eyes and he knew then that she hadn’t wanted to have this altercation there, that she hadn’t wanted to drag others into it. He understood then that she had wanted to talk to him about everything that weighed so heavily on her mind but something stopped her…something had made her pull away in the first place. Finally, he understood that she had avoided him because she simply hadn’t wanted to hurt him.
“Miles…when Michael goes back to the compound I am going with him.”
He felt sick. He felt unnervingly sick and the pain that twisted in his gut, that sickness was weakening him. He released her and took a step back, shaking his head in disbelief. No, she was lying, she had to be; but one look at Cassie and Michael told him otherwise. He felt his breath leave him and his eyes burned. “What?” he asked in disbelief and Amber’s bottom lip trembled as she squeezed Cassie’s hand. “You can’t be serious…”
“Miles…” she began. He felt disgusted and furious.
“We just got you back!” he exclaimed gesturing to Cassie, who had the good grace to turn away. “I just got you both back!” He was desperate and his hands shook. He wanted to hold her but he didn’t even trust himself in that moment.
She bit her bottom lip but straightened her stance. “I know…I know and I am sorry.”
He narrowed his eyes at Michael. “It’s bad enough that you are going but you are going to take her too?” he looked at the three brothers. “All of you are alright with this?” Silence. “Why not take Cassie and Elliot too, huh? Take every single person I care about to the damn slaughterhouse!”
“That isn’t fair…” Amber began and Miles scoffed.
“Fair? You think all of the lies you have all told, all of the deceitfulness and the games are all fair?”
“It was for the best! It was the only way we could save all of you!” Amber now replied, her voice rising a little. “You don’t know half of the hell that has happened with us!” She was hurting but then, so was he.
“And now? This? Both of you leaving to go into the wolf’s den? Is that for the best?”
“There are people there that need help, and I need to save Brian…” she began but Michael stepped forward, cutting her off. There was more she wanted to say but she quickly clamped her mouth shut. He leveled his gaze at Miles. His chest hurt and he found it hard to breath, a sharp pain radiating along his ribcage.
“We have to go do this, dad. We have to. People are depending on us.”
“But you have been there! You know how things are there. She hasn’t! She has no idea! Why her?” he asked of his son and for a moment Michael was deep in thought. Miles repeated the question. “Why her?”
“You haven’t seen what she has done…” Michael began before he stopped, unsure of whether or not to continue. Miles was treating Michael like the man he was, treating him with the respect he deserved after all he had done, respecting his decisions and supporting him as best as he could…so why couldn’t he do the same for her?
Rusty was the one who answered next. “She is just as influential and charismatic as Adrian is. She could make a difference. People trust her.” And he was right. He had witnessed her influence firsthand. She could make a difference but that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want her to go, that he couldn’t let her go. Why was she so damned important to this mission?
Miles felt the anger roll through him and he scoffed. “So, what is she going to do? What CAN she do?” he asked and he knew that he was going to regret the next words that came from his mouth but he couldn’t stop the anger from leaving his tongue. He was willing to do whatever it took to make her stay, to change her mind. Each syllable was laced with venom as he seethed. “She couldn’t even save her own son! Face it; you are taking her because she can get into his bed the easiest.”
Silence. It was deafening as they stood there. Amber looked up at him, her mouth open just the slightest in painful shock. He stood resolutely still watching her as she studied him. Shock, then pain etched across her face and though it was dark he could see the darkening of her skin as her face heated. Slowly, very slowly, she swallowed and inhaled a shaky breath. She looked at Cassie.
“Go on to bed and take Zeus with you.” She told Cassie before giving her a quick hug. Cassie released her and hesitantly ran to the other house in search of her room without another word, calling for Zeus until both were in the house. Once she was out of earshot, Amber glanced once more at Miles. What had he done? It was below the belt, he knew that, and he wanted to reach out for her but something stopped him. Regret. He had been so desperate on making his point that it had cost her everything. “I…I need to be anywhere else right now. Goodnight.” She replied simply before walking away from them all and disappearing into the night.
Chapter Twenty
Amber sat on the ground, leaning against some building under the moonlight. It was cold but she didn’t care, barely even noticed. The metal of the building was freezing against her neck and she realized that she had momentarily forgotten that she no longer had long hair. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. Yes, things were certainly different than how they had been before. After the altercation with Miles, she had walked away and for a while at first, she had gone to the warehouse where the exercise equipment was and worked out for a bit. Once she was physically worn, she decided to venture back outside into the night. She had considered going back to the house, back to her damaged room but she decided against it. Her mind was still running ninety to nothing and Miles’s words were still fresh on her mind. It was alright, really, it was, because she had understood why he was so defensive. Still, the hurt was there. If she were honest, she had left more because they were having that discussion amongst everyone else instead of alone. She really wished they hadn’t come up, or that Miles had waited until they were alone. She had planned to talk with him about it all, she really had, but he beat her to the punch…all because he had seen the fear in her eyes; the fear of leaving them behind once again; the fear of leaving him behind once again. Then again, she needed that distance to keep him from hurting, to keep him from becoming disgusted with her.
She leaned her head back against the building and groaned. She had spoken to everyone else, one by one, about the turn of events with the exception of a few instances, and had listened patiently as they yelled at her, as they cried, or even as they tried to argue or act indifferent. They were angry with her for lying, for faking her death but for the most part they had understood and their relief outweighed their frustration. Whenever she told them about her other plans, however, of how she was going to be going with Michael, the yelling and shock had been immediate. Some, like Shelly and George, had been shocked into silence before they asked what the plan was, a plan that she had to determine before she left to go there. Others, like Cassie and Bobby-Jean, had cried, asking her why she thought she had to do this, to leave and risk her life again. Buddy had yelled at her as if she had lost her mind. All she had to do was tell them all the horror that Damien had witnessed by Adrian’s hand and it was enough to at least make them concede their arguments and disagreements long enough to support her decision. She didn’t tell them everything, not yet, not until she regained some of her strength because if she did…she knew they would try to force her to stay, and she couldn’t handle that mere hours after their arrival. She didn’t want to go, to leave them all, but she had to because as much as she didn’t want to admit it, Rusty had been right whenever he said that she could make a dif
ference. It was what she had wanted to do, what she had felt she had needed to do, as far back as she could remember. This decision called to her, and she knew that regardless of how it came to an end, she would be there and she would die trying her best to win. She wasn’t even sure why she was so passionate about it. Hell, she didn’t have any personal investments in this; she and her people could leave whenever they pleased but she couldn’t. She had thought long and hard on this, had spoken to Michael about it, and was firm in her resolve. And Michael…she certainly couldn’t leave the boy to do this on his own. He was depending on her and she wasn’t going to let him down. She refused to.
So whenever she considered telling Miles first, that very morning whenever she had turned to look at him, to connect with him across the distance, she had witnessed the anger in his eyes and she halted discussing it with him, discussing everything with him. She knew he was angry, and she wanted to talk to him about it but the chance never arose. And after he left to wander around the town, she had spoken to the others, discussing what had happened to them while they were captured, after Michael and the three brothers had taken them away, and Buddy had told her of Miles’s reaction. He told her how he yelled and tried to break down a door to get to her while the others simply cried or fell in defeat. He told her how he had screamed and how he had taken a chain to George after taking down three armed men. Miles had been a force to be reckoned with, his lucidity in question before they knocked him unconscious. Afterwards, she remembered his distance, recalling her own. She had been anxious around him. What would he think of her? Would he hate her? She subconsciously had asserted a distance between them and now she understood why. She didn’t want to hurt him anymore. She felt guilty for hurting him so badly, for wounding him so deeply that her heart simply tore to shreds. He deserved so much better.