by W. A. R.
And so, after this epiphany, Amber had gone in search of her daughter. She wanted to connect with her, to try and heal the pain that her child was feeling. She had met Cassie in her new room, and as she explained everything…well, most everything, she felt the guilt weigh heavily on her again. Of course, there were details no one could know…right? Cassie had understood it all, everything Amber told her, and Amber had lain down in Cassie’s bed with her talking about it all until they were called to the fire. They had discussed the entire whole of their events and they had cried and laughed. They discussed the past and the future; they held one another as they discussed Kyle and released that burden from their shoulders. Cassie had cried and talked about how frightened she had been, how badly it hurt watching Amber get shot and fall and Amber had told her how scared she was that Cassie was so far away, even as she was being led to Amber. Amber told her how proud she was for acting responsibly and thinking quickly. They continued these talks until Michael came knocking on the door, asking if they would like to sit and talk around the fire. He had offered moonshine, which Amber Okayed for Cassie to drink, deeming it a rare thing and that it would help her rest.
And they sat there, drinking and laughing and telling stories. Lacy and Shelly had told them all of their experiences and as they spoke Amber could nearly feel Miles’s pain and helplessness, his agony. She wanted so badly to speak to him then, to hear his side of things but before she had gathered the courage to go and do so, he had arrived on his own, joining the group. She had felt his eyes like the fire before her and she clamped her mouth shut, her body unable to move. And then they had mentioned her actions towards Damien…actions she regretted to an extent. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Miles because she was so afraid that he wouldn’t understand. She was still Amber…she was just a little hardened. Could he see that?
They asked her what had happened during her absence before the bridge, and she couldn’t speak of it. That was something only Michael, the three brothers, and she knew of. No one else could know, not yet. Of course, things had to get worse whenever Derek brought up the poisoned broth and George picked fun at her and Buddy. Oh, the look in his eyes whenever he heard how Buddy had acted. Murder. She knew that look all too well…she was personally familiar with it and the look in his eyes was telling her that if he could get his hands on Buddy that he would kill the man. Oddly enough in that moment, whenever they had locked eyes, she thought of how she missed him. She thought of his touch and how he would speak to her. She recalled how she had so badly wanted to tell him how she felt and the regret that she hadn’t been able to tell him whenever she believed him to be dead. And there he was, right in front of her, and she couldn’t find the words because the words just didn’t add up, they didn’t amount to what she felt. No words could do her heart justice, not where he was concerned, and so she had decided then, at that very moment that she would wait and tell him her decision to leave later, that she would talk with him personally and in the end, maybe the words would find her.
Of course, it never made it that far and he confronted her in the front yard in front of the others. She watched as he broke down and she felt her heart rendered helpless as it shattered in response to his tears. He was hurting…oh, he was hurting, and there was nothing that she could do about it without hurting him more. She wanted to hold him, to assure him that she was there and that she cared, that she was still his but she couldn’t. Instead, she tried her best to avoid the horrible subject before it escalated to a point where she no longer could. And so, even though she didn’t want to, she told him and she dreaded his reaction. He was the one that she hadn’t wanted to tell, the one that she hadn’t wanted to worry or hurt because whenever he was in pain, she was in utter agony.
His reaction didn’t surprise her, though it did sting a bit. Still, whenever she left she had half expected him to follow her, if only to get the answers that he so desperately wanted. He hadn’t come to find her in the warehouse, and now, as she sat staring at Damien’s cross, she still waited because she knew he would come. She had always known and because of this certainty she would always wait. The girl who waited. She would gladly be this person for him.
She closed her eyes as the cool night wind washed over her like a silk curtain of assurance that the world was still the same in some aspect. It left feather light whispers against her skin and she shivered. She needed Miles, she realized; that was why she hadn’t talked to him. She needed him and she needed it to be on her terms whenever she decided to open herself to him yet again. She exhaled heavily. He was the only man that could reach that part of her. So why wasn’t she in that house calling for him? Why wasn’t she reaching out to him? She questioned though she already knew the answer. Because he was a different person as well and since that was the case…what if he didn’t like who she had become? She very well couldn’t change it. She knew that Cassie and Bobby-Jean would accept and love her regardless, and the others would adjust whether they liked it or not…if the time ever came…but Miles? Why was she doubting him? No, it wasn’t doubt, it was more or less her own personal self-loathing for the things that she had done or that had been done to her and if she didn’t like herself…how could he be near her? He was her best friend and she had thought she had lost that. Now that he was back, it was hard trying to accept it. She had come to terms that he was gone and she was going to exact her revenge on behalf of him and Shelly and now…she was so relieved that she couldn’t think straight. She understood him and why he had been so brash and angry before. Still, she realized, opening her eyes and staring at the waning moon and the twinkling of the stars across the night sky, she felt more complete than she had in such a very long time. Everyone knew of her plans, of the events that had occurred for her and her people as well as the others with her own personal exception. They were all caught up with one another and were all on the same page…all except for Miles. Did he have to be so damned stubborn? She was the same however, having refused to discuss her past or her fear with anyone at all. Once they cleared the air between the however, and after she and Michael sat down to determine their next move, she would feel better, as if it were a new beginning, which she reasoned, it was to an extent. There were still the underlying tones of guilt and regret that laced through her veins that she feared would never go away…at least not until she talked about it and got it all off of her chest. She needed assurance and support and she knew that Miles could give her that. Then again, she also knew that her dreams would forever be haunted with the remorse and the sickening feeling of failure. Adrian, Justin…. the faces of the enemy that she had yet to destroy would serve to remind her. She only hoped she kept her composure when facing them. She couldn’t put that on Miles. All of her anguish and her secrets…she was certain that he would hate her.
Michael had told her that whenever she left with him for the compound that she would be able to choose two of her own people to join her. She had been considering this and if she were honest she would just as well leave all her people in the community and none of them would join her. She had expressed as much to Michael and Rusty, who had in turn told her that she couldn’t enter alone with them, that it would be better to have more people on her side that she was comfortable with while in that stressful situation. She knew they were right and she would feel better about the situation if someone else came with her but she still didn’t want to put anyone at risk. She sighed. She needed to shove that from her mind. They would go more in depth over it the following day. Until then, she needn’t worry about it. There was the distinct sound of leaves rustling to her right among the trees and she sighed, a small smile playing on her lips. She felt a bit of elation and relief, knowing that Miles had come to find her and ease her mind. She had known he would be there, that he would speak to her about everything that had happened and for that she was grateful. He had been upset and she understood that…she was upset too and in that moment, all she needed was him, even if she would just send him away. It was for his own goo
d.
“I was wondering when you would come find me.” She said aloud, and then she sat in the silence, her heart racing as she waited for the footsteps to near her and bring his face into view. She was ecstatic and nervous, elated and scared all at the same time. It had been such an amazing feeling whenever she had turned and seen him standing there. It was something she couldn’t describe, to believe her lost love dead only to find him alive and well and rushing to embrace her because he had believed her dead as well. And now, as she sat waiting for a response, she recalled all the moments that they had shared. She had brought him out of turmoil and now she waited for Miles, her hero, her savior, to offer her the same reprieve, regardless of whether or not she would take it. Instead of Miles, however, she glanced over and saw Michael’s face come into view. Her heart plummeted and she felt the sudden need to cry. “Oh. Hi.”
For the briefest of moments, she saw a grimace cross his face. “Not who you were expecting, I presume?” he asked as he advanced towards her. He had one hand shoved into his pocket and the other holding a glass of clear liquid. Amber couldn’t tell whether it was water or moonshine. She grinned tiredly up at him.
“Not exactly.” She admitted to him before sighing. He paused for a moment, studying her before carefully lowering himself to the ground beside her. She picked at her fingernails, feeling guilty at her words. “I’m sorry. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you…I just…”
He smiled knowingly at her. “You wanted a chance to talk to dad.”
She offered him a sad smile in return. “Yes. I just assumed he would show up.” She sighed. “I guess that after this time and the pain changed us both too much.” The tears came unbidden to her eyes and she had to blink them away. She watched form the corner of her eye as Michael glanced uncertainly at the trees, their branches and leaves casting a dark shadow beneath them. It was almost as if he thought he would find something there, something that might give him some sort of answer. “Thank you for not keeping watch on me tonight. The quiet was kind of nice after everything.” She told him softly.
He never turned to her. “You don’t need constant supervision. You know that. Nothing is going to change, obviously.”
“Then why…?” she trailed off. He offered her a brief, warm smile.
“We have been keeping an eye on you for our own curiosity and worry. I wish you’d let Doc check you out.” He answered and she sighed then, unsure of what to say next but wanting to change the topic. She decided to apologize for the confrontation previously.
“I’m sorry you had to hear all of that earlier.” She told him softly and he only glanced at her and shrugged.
“I understand where he is coming from. I do. But I understand you too…” he grinned at her and took a drink of the liquid in the jar. “…and I’ve got your back. Are you alright?”
She jerked her gaze to him, lifting a brow. “Hmm?” And as if realizing how slow her mind was functioning she sighed and shook her head. “Oh that. Yeah.” He gave her a disbelieving smirk and she turned to star back up at the stars. “I am, really. I know he didn’t mean any of it. He’s hurt…I’m hurt…I only regret that our conversation happened while you were all around. I think it would have gone differently otherwise.” She paused. “If he knew everything, it would be easier.”
Michael nodded and set the glass on the ground between them before clearing his throat. “You’ve talked to everyone else?” he asked her simply and she understood that he was asking as a friend, as a confidant.
She thought deeply for a moment before answering. “About my joining you within the next month or so, yes. About our previous plans? Yes.” About my guilt and regret? My remorse and the agony that keeps me awake every night? No. She thought to herself
“Who have you talked to about your losses? Your own pain? Have you talked to anyone about these things or about what happened to you before the bridge?” he asked and Amber decided that the young man was far too intuitive. Her losses were her own personal turmoil and what happened during that time shouldn’t be discussed…not yet. It was too soon and they wouldn’t understand. She would have to wait a few days.
“No.” She replied honestly, her voice definitive and leaving no room for further discussion. If she hadn’t discussed it with anyone else yet, she certainly couldn’t discuss it with him because he wouldn’t understand. He was young and still uncertain. He nodded at this and was silent for a moment before referring to the previous subject.
“Do you feel better having talked to them today about where you are going? To Cassie?” he asked and she knew what he was doing…maybe. He was trying to get her to open up, to express her thoughts and her innermost demons. She wouldn’t do that to him, or to herself. There was only one pair of shoulders that were strong enough to carry that burden, and only one soul that was more than happy enough to do it. And knowing this about Miles, she didn’t want to hurt him, to give him the weight of her own world to carry with his. Then again, Michael may need to talk to someone as well. Was he having trouble talking to Miles?
“Yes, I do.” She told him off-handedly and he studied her. There was so much more that he wanted to say, she could see that in his dark eyes but he kept his mouth shut and lips pressed into a firm, thin line. She shifted her head against the building and smiled a little, deciding to toss him a bone. “When your dad and I found each other again after the outbreak, it took me months to get him to tell me about you and what he thought had happened.” Michael glanced towards the trees briefly again before looking at her with wide eyes. Obviously, he hadn’t heard that story, which was too bad because she didn’t intend on telling all of it. “I knew everything else about him by then…well, I knew damn near everything about him before then…well, it’s hard to explain…regardless of that, I comforted him whenever he was hurt and scared and dealing with a loss he shouldn’t have dealt with…and now…” Spit out the truth. “…I have hurt him by plotting with the very son he thought he lost.”
Michael studied her long and hard. “You love him. You always have. You’ll let him in soon and he will understand.”
At this, Amber shifted on her bottom and little and chuckled. “I never said anything about loving him.” A look of uncertainty passed across his eyes and Amber chuckled a little more at his reaction. “Besides…don’t you think that if I did, he should be the first to know?”
“…yes…” he drawled out, looking at her dubiously. She smiled a little.
“And I will let him in. I have always been ready to let him in…it just needs to be on his time. He wasn’t ready tonight.” She gave Michael a pointed look. “He may have thought he was, but he wasn’t.” She rolled back to look at the stars. “Besides…I knew he would be angry. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him anymore after everything he went through.” She paused for a moment, thinking hard about her next words. She needed him to understand Miles’s hurt and anger; “Remember last night? Remember how you felt having believed that you lost him forever?” she asked and slowly he turned his gaze from the ground they sat on to her. His eyes were wide and full of a remembered anguish. It was familiar, this feeling that throbbed in her chest, and she embraced it. “The feelings of losing a father and losing a son are two very different heartaches. They may seem similar on the outside looking in but admittedly one runs deeper than the other. Losing a father is like losing a mentor, a friend while losing a child is like…losing a part of yourself that you can never get back.” She sighed then yet again and closed her eyes tightly against the onslaught of emotions that she had promised herself she would keep at bay. She swallowed. “I should know. I’ve lost both.” She paused again. “The pain of losing you was unbearable to him, and to find that I have been plotting with you this entire time is well…it is a shock. He has just…he has been through so much…”
“I always knew he would find you…” Michael admitted to her and she lifted her head and turned to look at him as he reached for a blade of grass, twirling it between his finger and t
humb. “…after the outbreak, after I disappeared, I knew that he was too strong to die. I knew that he would search for me for a while until he was on the verge of breaking with the weight of what he assumed and then…then you would come along and ease that strain. You always have. But this…I never expected any of this to happen…” Guilt was eating him up, Amber realized and she reached over and took the blade of grass from his hand, causing him to look at her in surprise. She chuckled lightly. The young man needed her right then, needed a companion. He needed assurance.
“He loves you so very much Michael…you should see the pride in his eyes whenever he looks at you.” She told him, twirling the blade of grass between her own fingers. Her eyes shifted out of focus as she stared at the blade of grass. “He understands why you have done everything that you’ve done…even whenever you disappeared…”
“I knew you would take care of him through it. Other people needed my help…” Michael began, cutting her off and she sighed, shaking her head.
“He knew that, honey. He understands that.” she told him and Michael looked at her incredulously, as if disbelieving her. She grinned at this and shifted on her the ground, bringing her knees up, feet planted firmly against the grass and dirt.
“How would you know?” he asked, and though it could have been taken personally, as if bitter, she knew otherwise. He seemed to catch this and cleared his throat. “What I mean is that you haven’t had a chance to talk to him about all of this so how to do you know…he could be furious, hurt…”
She turned and leveled her gaze to his, dropping her blade of grass. He widened his eyes slightly at her reaction. “Because I see it. It is in his eyes, his movements…he understands it all. Just watch him.”