by W. A. R.
No. Of course it wasn’t. She was so uncertain, so lost and unsure of everything that was happening that she didn’t know what to do. What kind of leader was she? She questioned herself. She needed to regain control but she was unsure of how to do it as she was slowly losing her grip. She was on the verge of obsession with Adrian and this mission, wanting restitution for his wrong-doings, wanting freedom for her brother and the others, to rid the world of this threat…she was consumed with it because she refused to allow him to hurt any others…and yet this clinging to the mission, the fact that her mind raced with a million scenarios and possibilities, it was enough to show that he wasn’t only hurting others…she was allowing him to hurt her as well whether he knew it or not. She wandered if she was losing her mind. She had told Miles during their argument, during their only talk really, that she was still her. Did she mean it or was she just trying to reassure him? She didn’t know anymore. Adrian and his men had made her face truths she didn’t want to face, made her accept fates that weren’t supposed to be hers, forced a strength on her that she didn’t have, didn’t want.
The door suddenly swung forward and caught Amber in the head and knee. She shrieked and fell back, catching herself on her elbows and her rear. Pain radiated up her arm to her already throbbing shoulder and she cringed and rolled to her good side, bringing her left hand up to grip her wounded shoulder.
“Fuck.” She groaned into the hardwood floor, ignoring the pain in her head and her knee. The perpetrator who had surprised her immediately rushed forward, putting his hands under her arms and urging her to stand. His pull under her arm made her hiss and jerk away.
“Holy shit! Amber, are you alright?” the person asked and Amber rocked on the floor groaning, biting the insides of her cheeks so hard she began tasting blood. Her shoulder hurt so damned bad, reminding her of the risk she took to even make it to the community…to save her family. And soon, she would be willing and ready to do it again. Why couldn’t she take her mind off of this? Couldn’t she think of something other than Adrian and the mission? Here she was writhing in pain on the floor and all she could think of was what she was readying herself to do.
After a long silence, the pain began to ebb away to a dull ache and she relinquished her hold, allowing Derek to help her up. “What in the hell was that for?” she asked as she clumsily stood, her knee aching as well. Derek’s hands remained on her, keeping her steady, until she shrugged him off. She cast her eyes to him and for a moment he froze, his black eyes studying her brown ones with a weariness she hadn’t experienced from him before.
“I was…I was looking for you. We all got up and were heading out to meet everyone. I am so sorry I hit you. Are you alright?” He asked her and she looked at him curiously as he stepped forward to open the door for her. Something about his statement didn’t seem right…as if there were more to it. Was he leery of her? The thought bothered her immensely and she felt her throat clench up in response. She forced herself to swallow.
“Why were you looking for me?” she asked him, avoiding his question, before bringing up a hand to shield her from the bright rays of early morning sunshine. She avoided the question because no, she wasn’t alright. She was so far from it. She was mentally corrupted, physically aching and trembling, and emotionally she was broken. She was definitely not alright. The chill settled over her once again and she shivered slightly. She turned her attention back to him as he let the door close. “And how did you know where I was?”
He hurried his pace to walk beside her, shoving his hands into his pockets as he met her strides with his own. He cleared his throat. “I saw the look in your eyes yesterday Amber. It wasn’t that difficult to figure out where you took off to or what you were doing.”
She whipped her head around to him, her heart suddenly beating fast and her skin prickling as if she were on display, being analyzed. She hated that feeling. She remembered having felt that way whenever she was on her knees under Lance’s mercy. “What look?”
He shrugged and offered her a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes before clearing his throat and quickly looking away. “Where’s Zeus? I figured he would be with you.” Amber sighed and turned back to the ground at her feet.
It was her turn to shrug. “Since he arrived he has been roaming all over the community. Everyone seems to love him and he has been really taken with the kids.” She told him and it was true. She had seen barely hair or hide of her loyal companion since they arrived, only to feed him, and that was alright with her. She knew he wouldn’t be going with her to face Adrian, and she was going to have to leave him. Besides, she reasoned, regardless of how hard letting go of him was, it was for the best. He was older and he would be safe in the community. He would help ease the strain of reality for these small children like only a dog can. Still, that wasn’t the situation at hand and she planned on addressing it, effectively clearing her mind of everything but their conversation. “And you are avoiding the question. What look?”
And he stopped at the corner of the warehouse, turning his dark eyes to her. His look was so intensely understanding and…guilty?...that she halted in her steps and lifted a brow at him until he spoke to her. “Are you sure you want to hear the answer to that?” he asked her and she stood for a moment, dumbfounded. She was torn between wondering what kind of question that was and if she truly wanted to know the answer. It was if she already knew the answer, she just wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear it. She was scared to know. What if it only gave her more reason to hate herself? “Amber?” he asked her, looking at her with lifted brows. She shook her head and inclined it just a little. He sighed, then his eyes searching hers. She shivered as he repeated the question. “Are you sure you want to hear the answer to that?”
No. “Yes.”
“The look that you had yesterday afternoon after hearing that they were going was the same look you have whenever you disappear into your thoughts…like just then. Buddy said you had the same look in your eyes whenever you took down Lacy…” he paused, as if debating his next words. She was suddenly cold. Very cold. “Don’t take this wrong…but it’s a look that says you are on the verge of losing control…that if you don’t catch yourself you are going to fall headfirst into the dark.”
She shifted and felt the breath leave her lungs. “You’re saying you all think that there is a crazy glint in my eyes?”
“In some way, sure…whatever crazy is for you. Like faith…our limits are different for each of us and girl, you are riding the fence between reality and…desperate uncertainty.” He told her honestly, shifting on his feet. His words were frightening to say the least. Was she that obvious? Were her fears so noticeable? Or the even worse question was whether or not she was stable. “The look said you were ready to fight.” He finished.
She quickly shook her head at the notion, hoping to dissuade him from discussing the desperation in her eyes at her thoughts, at fighting. Her vivid recollections and her profound fears of herself and the future alongside the anger is what fueled that look in her eyes, she knew. He didn’t have to know that, however, and she hoped she could make him forget it. The only problem was that he had mentioned that Buddy had noticed it as well, which meant they had been talking about her. She sighed. She would address that later. “I’m nowhere near ready.” And it was true. She was going to spar and practice every minute she had free. She had to.
He shrugged and leaned casually against the warehouse, brushing her words off easily as if this conversation wasn’t as difficult for him as it was for her. “You were when you left yesterday. You were determined. You were…terrified.” His words were like a punch in the gut and she slowly brought her eyes back to him. She was terrified…she didn’t want to lose them…Buddy and Miles were her best friends…they were her family…family she had risked everything to save and thought she had lost. Derek continued. “Not that I blame you. I can’t imagine the pressure you are under right now. You…after everything…you want to protect what is yours at any cost.
Even at your own life…It is completely understandable…”
“To the point, Derek. I don’t need to hear all of my flaws at this moment…” she told him, wondering what it was exactly that he was getting at with this conversation.
He looked at her as if offended and she winced. “You think that those are flaws?” he asked and the sound of laughter reached their ears, letting them both know that the world was waking and the children were being…children. The sound warmed her heart in ways she had forgotten was possible. There is beauty in the midst of chaos…you just have to know where to look. Her own words echoed in her ears and she shook her head, trying to rid herself of it but to no avail. When she didn’t answer, he continued. “You think of it as reckless and I think of it as determined…but either way for you, protecting these people is necessary.” Yes, for her it was necessary. He sighed. “Anyways, I figured that after last night you were pretty upset and disappeared to work it off…although I will admit I didn’t expect you to be gone all night.” He paused, studying her but she only looked towards the trees. She could hear the underlying prompt under his words and she wondered who else was affected by her absence. She still wouldn’t supply him with a response, however; she was completely unsure of what to say. He studied her for one long moment before inhaling sharply. “But I realize that you aren’t taking any chances…you stayed up all night working your body…preparing yourself.” She whipped her eyes to him, widened in surprise. “Your arms are trembling.” He answered her unspoken question. Hesitation. “You know that you shouldn’t overwork yourself, right?”
She scoffed. She didn’t need to hear everything she already knew. She didn’t want to hear how paranoid she was being, how overprotective and almost obsessive she was being. She didn’t want to hear how worn down she was. She already knew and refused to acknowledge it, and she refused to discuss how scared she was, what she should or shouldn’t do because while she was grateful for the concern, she was going to do whatever it took to save them all. Sure, she may have been riding the fence between loss of control and reality, but she didn’t care. Not then. And so, she changed the subject.
“So, is there a reason you were looking for me? You are rambling, to say the least.” She asked and this seemed to catch him off guard. He studied her for a long moment before sighing. He then brought his hands up, crossing his arms across his chest and staring off across the way from where they stood, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Amber suddenly felt uneasy and took a step back from him, gauging every aspect of his reaction. She realized then that everything they had spoken about up to that point was just lead in conversation to what he really wanted to discuss. It made her nervous considering how deep his words had gotten to her, how they had reached her, and if that was just the small talk, it worried her what his real concern was.
Finally, he lowered his gaze to the ground. “It was my fault.”
His words both surprised and confused her and she couldn’t help by responding with the obvious. “What was your fault?” It was then he turned his eyes to her, his piercing black stare burning a hole through her, lacing her heart with guilt and regret for every bad thing that she had done.
“Everything. Everything has been my fault.” He told her and she understood what he meant. She understood because she could relate to the pain in his eyes, to the sheer remorse that threatened to claw its way up from his twisted stomach and out of his mouth. She knew his guilt because it was also hers. She swallowed thickly, needing to make certain of his intentions.
“You…you think that these people finding us, Damien, is your fault?” she asked and he sighed yet again, kicking at the dirt under his feet. She wasn’t sure what she expected him to say. Maybe she expected denial, a confession to something else, or maybe acceptance to what she had said, but what he told her next was nothing short of a knife of memory twisting itself in her chest.
“I know it is all my fault. I know that these people finding you and your family, Adrian’s men taking away your people, Damien killing your son and your father…it was all my fault.” He told her, his words almost hissing through his teeth. Amber felt the knife twist at his words, reminders that life was cruel. What was she supposed to say when she understood every aspect of this agonizing and crippling guilt?
She began to protest. “Derek…”
He cut her off, anger and self-hatred flashing in his eyes. “Watching you hate yourself and torture yourself is my fault. That look in your eyes…that look we talked about…if it wasn’t for me leading my people like I did…it wouldn’t be there. Everything single thing that has happened is my fault and you can’t tell me it isn’t.” he told her and for a long silent moment she stared at him in sympathy. She couldn’t deny that she hated herself, or that she was torturing herself in a reflexive action to protect everyone around her, and she very well couldn’t deny that everything that had happened had indeed happened. But one thing she was sure of, while looking at her pained friend, was that it wasn’t his fault.
“Where did all of this come from?” she asked and he quickly brought a hand up, rubbing his palm across his face. He appeared just as tired as she was and she wondered just how long he had carried this burden with him.
He shrugged. “Amber, you can’t tell me that if we hadn’t have come along, none of this wouldn’t have happened. Everyone in your family would still be alive and be together. I led our group, Damien included, straight to your doorstep and ever since then you and your family have been put through hell.” She guessed then that in some respect that may have been true. Then again, it wasn’t and she knew that; she fully understood that.
“You have been dealing with this for a long time, haven’t you?” she asked and he grimaced, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
“Ever since this all started.” He replied and she sighed, unsure of what to say or how to say the things she needed to say to ease his mind. His eyes rested on hers, and he was so obviously tormented. “And I want to tell you how absolutely sorry I am…for everything. You should have never gone through what you have…nor your family…and I am so very sorry for that.” he told her and she felt her heart clench in her chest. He was her friend and he needed comfort but the truth was she didn’t have much to offer anymore. She was on the brink of losing herself as it was. Still, she needed to try and so she simply let the words roll off her tongue without anticipating them.
“Derek…they saw the same smoke that you did. Remember how you found us? They saw it too. They would have found us one way or another. And had you all not come along when you did, those Biters would have found us eventually and we would have lost without y’all’s help. They would have killed all of us.” She paused, looking at him as he sniffed and turned back to look across the way at the wind brushing through the trees. She licked her lips to continue when he didn’t offer her any response. “Derek…yes we have lost people…I think about that…” she paused. No, she wasn’t going to go there. Not then. She cleared her throat. “…yes, we are all tortured souls right now…but we are all meant to be where we are. Our family is exactly where it should be right now, and as soon as we are ready, we are going to save more. You should stop blaming yourself…even if it is hard. Try. We have to stick together and that includes you if we want to make it through this.” And the words reached him…but they also reached her. She…she blamed herself for everything as well. She carried that guilt with her, that guilt and regret that told her that she was inferior and weak and the voice that told her this wouldn’t leave. And she expected Derek to do what she very well couldn’t? She had never been hypocritical…but here she was doing it.
Derek smiled at her, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “You know, my brother was a lot like you, just a bit more of a hard-ass.” And surprisingly she allowed her lips to turn up slightly at the corners. She reminded him of someone very close to his heart. She felt her heart lift at the thought, allowing herself to think on all the people that she had had an impact on. It was overwhelming.
“Is that so?” she asked, stepping forward to round the warehouse and begin the way to where they had all agreed to meet the night before. She couldn’t stand around talking anymore, because if she were honest, she wanted to break down and admit to every fault and every fear. Derek gracefully followed her. She was grateful that he had changed the subject and she only hoped that their small conversation served in easing some of his turmoil.
“Yes…very much so.”
She glanced sideways at him, her heart aching. “You miss him?”
A sad smile. “Every day. But it has gotten easier with time.”
Amber could only relate slightly. “Doesn’t it always?” she asked and her words were trailed off as she heard the commotion from near the tree where they had gone before. They rounded the next corner of the warehouse and she watched as George, Buddy, and Shelly came into view. They were all standing around talking with Lawrence, and behind him were Miles, Michael, Jody, and Gary. Everyone else was walking up to them from the houses, Bobby-Jean talking with the woman from the day before, Cassie and Jacob behind her and holding hands. Derek’s footsteps slowed and before she realized what was happening, he had grabbed her arm. She turned to face him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She hoped he didn’t want to discuss any more of the previous conversation because she certainly wasn’t up to it.
“Amber?” he asked, his expression both pained and thoughtful. She swallowed thickly as he dropped his hand from her shoulder. He looked past her and grinned a little.
“Yeah?” she asked and he brought his eyes back to her.
“Thank you.” He told her and she stared at him in further confusion. “From the bottom of my heart thank you.”
“For what?” she asked and he looked past her again before sighing.