Endgame (Book 2): Alekhine's Gun

by W. A. R.

  “For talking to me…for forgiving me so easily. Thank you.” He told her and she shifted uncomfortable at the depth of his sincerity. She frowned. There was nothing to forgive…the guilt was all hers.

  “Derek…” she began to brush off his gratitude but he cut her off, his eyes determined and sorrowful.

  “You need to talk to someone about your pain…otherwise it will destroy who you are.” He told her and she shifted uncomfortably on her feet. Why did people keep bringing that up? She had talked to someone about everything hadn’t she? Hadn’t she told Buddy or George about her pain of losing everyone? Her fear? And then she realized in that unveiling moment…no she hadn’t. She hadn’t said a word about any of it to anyone. She hadn’t because they wouldn’t understand. She turned her eyes up to Derek, knowing that in their depths lay confusion and uncertainty. He smiled and nodded at something over her shoulder. “You have a lot of people that care about you and they would be more than happy to listen. You are our leader, our friend. We are your soldiers and we will fight for you…in every single way…even if it means saving you from yourself.” He told her and she turned to see what he was nodding at. She watched as all eyes were turned to her and Derek in that moment, everyone watching intently, every single one concerned. Her eyes skimmed over Cassie, and whenever their eyes met her daughter seemed to sag with relief. This seemed to be the case with all of them, she realized, as her eyes met everyone. They were so concerned about her, so very worried. And she had allowed it to happen. She had allowed that worry to rest there. She tried to prevent hurting them and in doing so had hurt them all in a different way. Derek placed a hand on her shoulder. And then her eyes met Miles. She gulped, feeling the sting of tears and the racing of her heart. Having locked eyes with her he turned and said something to Gary and Michael before smiling at them and leaving his post. He was the only one brave enough to do so.

  Derek removed his hand from her shoulder then and she could feel herself shaking. Yes, she admitted, Derek had been right. She was terrified that she would lose Miles again and she didn’t want to go through that again. She wanted nothing more than to lock all of her people away while she accomplished what it was she needed to accomplish but she was slowly coming to the realization that that was an impossibility. She inhaled sharply. She couldn’t change her attitude towards the mission because she still wanted perfection, and she couldn’t change her attitude because that would take time. Whether she liked it or not she had changed, had become harsher and bitter, and she needed to accept that, even though it was going to be hard. She couldn’t change their minds about going, and she certainly couldn’t change hers…but she could try to ease the distance that she had placed between them, the bridge she had placed between them. They were all right…she needed to talk…and there was one person she knew that wanted to hear it, to ease it more than anything because anything that hurt her, hurt him. She was so tired, physically and emotionally and she needed a pillar of strength…and he was the same. She still needed him because without him, this shutting him out, was slowly killing her, making her dead inside and she hated who she was becoming. It was an epiphany, a defining moment, and in that moment, realizing all of this and watching as Miles slowly made his way to her, she felt something inside of her crumble. It was a wall and brick by metaphorical brick it fell. But she restrained herself, unable to accept it because she couldn’t handle his disgust, his remorse. She couldn’t talk to anyone, regardless of how badly she wanted to because the truth was, none of them would understand.

  Miles stepped forward and shook Derek’s hand. She couldn’t tear her eyes from him. “I was wondering where you had run off to.” He chuckled and Derek returned the smile. It was so easy, their comradery, and she was reminded of how he had fought beside her, with her, and how he had led with her through it all.

  “Just took a little stroll before we met up.” He glanced towards the group before smiling and turning back to Miles. He cast a brief smile at Amber, his smirk reminding her of their previous conversation. “I’m gonna holler at George before we head out wherever we are going. Y’all be careful.” He told the two of them and Miles nodded. Amber, however, couldn’t take her eyes off of the man before her. Her mouth had gone dry and she couldn’t find the words that she needed to say. He watched Derek walk away a good distance before shoving his hands into his pants pockets and turning to her. His deep brown eyes were full of concern and there were dark circles under his eyes, indicating his lack of sleep. She understood then that he had worn himself down ever since he had come back, and even before he arrived. He was exhausted, and yet here he was before her, his heart breaking in his eyes and his only concern being her.

  “Are you alright?” he asked her and the words seemed so genuine and yet so forced. It was because of the distance she had put in place for them, her avoiding him, her witnessing his pain, him witnessing hers. He wanted to touch her, to be assured that she was really there and alive, she could see it in his eyes. She thought of their past, and of their future. He would again be leading a battle with her, just as he had with the Biters.

  Slowly, she nodded. “I’m fine.” Pause. “Are you?” she asked and she meant it. She needed to know what hurt him, what made him so very tired. His eyes widened slightly and a flush crawled up his neck before he looked away from her. It was brief, this uncertainty, but she saw it and it damn near ripped her to shreds. Buddy was slowly making his way towards them, his focus on the pair. Amber took a step back, forcing the distance between them once again.

  “I’m fine.” He turned back to the others and sighed. “Sorry if I interrupted your conversation, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” Another pause as he seemed to war with himself on what to say. He then cast his eyes to hers, an apology in their depths. “I tried to be patient. I’m still working on it.” He told her and she smiled a little at his words. He was certainly trying, and was doing a good job of it. She recalled his words the day before, his apology and how he understood why she needed to go. Why did he make this detachment so damned difficult to accomplish?

  “You didn’t interrupt our conversation.” She told him. Her heart felt heavy and she wasn’t sure what to say. Derek was right when she said she needed to talk to someone because she was losing control. She knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to walk with him and tell him everything: her nightmares, her fears, Kyle, her failures, how it had all affected her. And she could tell that he wanted the same. He wanted to stand with her and tell her how it had all hurt him, what he thought of while locked away and starving, what his regrets were. They couldn’t right then though, and she knew that. She realized that it needed to be done though before it corrupted her, if it hadn’t already. Derek had said that they would save her from herself…and she reckoned that this was a step in the right direction…but she wasn’t ready for that yet…not until the entire truth was out in the open. “We were actually just about to make our way to you guys.”

  “Care to walk back with me? Or did you have something you needed to do before you go over there?” he asked of her and for a moment she was reminded of that small boy, the teenager, and the man from their lives before. She was reminded of how he had been there through everything for her. The memories were welcome, easing her rapid heartbeat just a little, comforting her overwhelmed mind.

  “I didn’t have anything else to do.” She told him and she caught the smallest of smiles on his lips before he turned to face the others. Buddy finished his approach, his hand rubbing tiredly along the back of his neck. He narrowed his eyes accusingly at Amber and Miles groaned, running a hand through his hair, talking to George who followed behind Buddy closely. Buddy stepped up to Amber, stealing one last glance at Miles and George as they talked in low tones.

  “Are you alright?” he asked of her and she shrugged easily, thankful for her friend’s appearance.

  “I’m fine.” She replied. “How about you?” And for a long drawn out moment he stared at her. She felt the tension in th
e air between them pull taut and she shrugged her aching shoulder.

  “Too good to ease everyone’s worry last night, Sweetness?” he finally asked her, dropping his hand down, his palm slapping against his thigh. Amber shifted uneasily under his scrutiny but held her ground against him.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” she asked bitterly, attempting to step around him. Her eyes drifted to Miles and George as they spoke slowly, smiles forming on their faces. They seemed almost normal…in fact, everyone did, so why couldn’t she? Why couldn’t she be normal? He quickly caught her arm, stepping in front of her and stopping her movement. His eyes bore into her and his fingers clasped her arm tightly in a vise.

  “It means we barely slept last night waiting on you. Did Miles not tell you how he kept pacing around the house, going to and from the porch?” His hold tightened and Amber grimaced. “Or how George stayed awake all night in the living room, watching for you?” Amber tried to pull from him but to no avail.

  “I’m sorry I worried you all. I really am, but there are things I’m dealing with that none of you understand.” She told him, once again trying to pull away from him. He stared hard down at her, urging her closer. “Let me go.” She demanded. She had to admit, Buddy had always been a bit forceful, ever since he showed up, but in that moment she wanted to be free. She felt like a monster, seared and scarred forever and she didn’t need him, or anyone for that matter, touching her.

  “You aren’t the only one struggling with this turn of events.” He told her and she grimaced.

  “You think I don’t know that?” Why do you think I am asserting my distance with you all? She finished in her mind, refusing to ask the question aloud. “I know that everyone is hurting and struggling with this…but we all have to deal with it our own way. Mine just happens to be dealing with it…alone.” His blue eyes shifted, skimming over her face sadly, as if everything that was happening or had happened had hurt him just as much as it had her, or Derek, or Miles, and she reasoned that on some level of course he was hurting. He had become more selfless and more giving, more caring.

  “Then you know we have enough to worry about as it is…we don’t need to worry about you to.”

  She tried to pull from him again, knowing that he was only concerned, trying to get his point across. “I’m not asking anyone to worry, Buddy. I will be fine.” He stared hard down at her, his eyes flashing and for one brief moment she was reminded of how many times he had hurt her. The truth was that he had left a few scars on her body, scars she would forever have, wounds he could never take back. Did he even realize that? His eyes were weighted down with anger and uncertainty. He was angry and she wondered why. He had no right to be angry with her…so…why was he? He was her best friend…had fought alongside her as she struggled to get her people back. They had come so far together, so where was this desperation in his eyes coming from? She swallowed. “Let me go.”

  He hesitated. He hesitated long enough for another hand to come into view, gripping Buddy’s arm tightly. “Let her go, Boudreaux.” Miles’s voice slashed through the heated silence. Amber brought her eyes up to see Miles gripping Buddy’s forearm tightly, his yes blazing as they looked on at the man holding her. Buddy glanced at him for a moment before slowly releasing her. She stepped back and rubbed her arm, George coming forward to accompany her. Then, to her surprise, Miles turned Buddy around, clapping him on the shoulder, and the men walked back to the others, talking, Buddy now calm.

  “Are you alright?” he asked and she growled and stepped forward, George hurrying to keep pace with her and finally she admitted the truth. No, she wasn’t alright. She was far from alright. She was bottling everything up inside, she was desperate to save these people and end this man, and she was so tense that she couldn’t move properly without feeling the tension.

  She shook her head, watching the backs of two of her best friends move before her, two men who were going with her to risk their lives with her, for her. “If one more person asks me that, I might just scream.” She responded, no longer willing to answer that damned question.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Rusty had driven up with the gray Chevy Silverado, pulling close to the tree. Everyone apart from Buddy, Lacy, Miles, the three brothers, and Michael, their small group that was hell bent on bringing down a tyranny, were gone, beginning their first day of work in their new home, their new community. This brought warmth to Amber. They had talked for a few minutes before the others in the community came from their homes and yards, meeting with them all. There had been laughter and uncertainty, nervousness, and in the end there was nothing but excitement and Amber watched as her family left for their days, covering their respective duties. Now, though, they all advanced towards the truck, their eyes widening at what was in the back of it. Rusty had jumped out of the driver’s seat, a wide smile on his face. Buddy reached in and pulled out a large black bag, Riley reaching in and doing the same. In the bags were handfuls of screwdrivers, knives, and hammers. Some had pipes as well. Amber knew all too well what was in those bags, and apparently so did Miles as he leaned over the bed of the truck, seemingly not anxious. Those weapons were what she had when he first found her, when she had found George. Those weapons were from the beginning of their story, from how everything began to intertwine so complexly. It was when their family, Amber’s and Brian’s family, first expanded with the acceptance of outsiders. She shuddered and looked away as Miles studied the bags, his eyes dreaming, lost in thought. She wondered what he was thinking then, if he was thinking the same things she was. Then his eyes averted and widened at the sight of the weapons lying in the back. He released a low whistle as Amber lifted her arms on the opposite side of the truck, placing her elbows firmly on the side.

  “Where did y’all get these?” he asked, lifting his eyes to Riley and Michael who settled to Amber’s left. Lacy stepped from around the tree, positioning herself between Miles and Buddy while Rusty pulled himself up and into the back of the truck. Amber shrugged.

  “In a house…well, in the house Rick had suggested we hit on the way to taking the others to Bernice…before all of this happened.” Amber told him, her words trailing off as her mind set up a mental block of what had happened. She was so very tired of dealing with the past and she certainly didn’t want to accept the future…but, what could she do? Did all of this make her weak? She didn’t think so, but one could never tell. He nodded, his eyes still skimming over the guns and swords. Lacy’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

  “We aren’t taking all of this with us, are we?” she asked before looking between Buddy and Miles. Amber was instantly reminded that she was now longer going alone. The woman shrugged, gripping the side of the truck. “I just mean, if we take all of this, it will be at their disposal. We all know it.”

  Michael sighed then, crossing his arms. “No, we aren’t taking all of this. As a matter of fact, our task today will be administering these weapons across town to the families. This will be in case of emergencies. We don’t have many weapons here, and giving them out to every home and training those who don’t know how to use them to use them would only prove to be beneficial.” He paused, looking at each of them. “Throughout the next month, among our other tasks, we will be leaving routinely to target practice with the guns and every time we will take some of the others with us to teach them.” Buddy opened his mouth to interject but Michael held a hand up and closed his eyes, obviously brushing off anything that Buddy was going to say. “I don’t care how good you are, you are going to practice and get better. With every weapon.”

  Miles furrowed his brow as Rusty sat on the other side of Amber, feet flat on the bed of the truck. “So why else are they here? Distributing them can’t be the only reason.” He said and Riley straightened.

  “This is where you each pick just a few weapons of your choice to take with you. Since you will all be going to the compound ‘willingly’ and not as prisoners, odds are you will be allowed to keep whatever weapons you bring wi
th you. Those will also be the weapons that you will be spending most of your time working on before we leave.” He paused and glanced down at the guns before him. “And if you choose a gun, we will have to make sure you have more than enough ammo for it. So, this is our first and foremost task before anything else happens today.”

  Lacy nodded at this and Amber shifted the swords on her back. “I’m keeping my swords and my knife.” She said and then she glanced down at herself. Miles’s guns; they were still around her waist. She sighed, biting her bottom lip as Rusty stood and began talking to Buddy about what his weapon of choice would be. She knew she should give them back to him, and that they were significant to him…she knew that. She recalled how, on one of their many silent nights when they couldn’t sleep, before things became complicated and the others came, they had sat on the porch, watching the stars and listening to Biters at the fence, and he had told her how he had gotten the guns. So why was it so hard? Was that one memory the reason why? Was it because she remembered how they had ended up on her person, what she had lost and done in order to get them? She wasn’t sure. Still, she allowed her hands to move to the buckle.

  Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

  Once the buckle was undone, she eased them off her waist and lifted her eyes to the man across the truck. Buddy was holding some kind of dagger in his hand, talking to Rusty about it, and Lacy was examining a rifle, discussing her expertise with Miles, who was nodding at her words. It was now or never.

  Quickly, before she changed her mind, she stepped away from the side of the truck and rounded the front, careful to keep from the back and crossing Buddy’s path, especially after their heated conversation just an hour previous. Miles continued talking with Lacy about the scope, about how it would need to be sighted in. Lacy smiled and nodded, occasionally glancing back to Buddy and Rusty. She swallowed whatever hesitation she had, knowing that she had to be stronger than that, that she had to let whatever it was holding her back from returning his guns go.