Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  dropping my shoulders, feeling contented after doing a good job.

  The door whipped open and Clare flew in carrying Timmy under her arm, squealing and kicking his legs. ‘Don’t you dare send that poo flying out of that nappy,’ she roared, trying to keep him at a distance and still hang onta him.

  ‘Gawd! I can smell him from here,’ I laughed, watching the nappy full of shit slip down his legs.

  ‘Don’t complain,’ she said, laughing. ‘You’re safe over there, I’m the one in the firing line. Given half a chance, he’ll tear it off and sling it everywhere, and not for the first time. Where’s that Sudocrem?’ she muttered, swinging her head around the kitchen. ‘Martha, grab the baby’s changing bag and give me out the cream. Quickly, before this fellow has a fit.’

  She took off with the cream, swinging Timmy under her arm, and glanced up at the clock, shouting back to me, ‘Goodness! Look at the time, Martha. You better get going now! And collect poor Ollie. He’ll be left standing at the gate thinking we’ve forgotten about him.’

  ‘OK, right. I’m on my way,’ I said, flying up the stairs behind her to head to my room and get me coat.

  ‘Now, you know where it is! Turn left at the top of the hill, and keep walking. Then right, up the hill, after the chuch. You can’t miss it.’

  ‘Right! I’ll be there in a flash. Don’t worry, I never have a problem finding my way around anywhere,’ I said, rushing in to take me old green coat out of me suitcase, and dump the case back in the wardrobe, and tear off down the stairs.

  I slammed the hall door shut behind me and took off up the hill, forgetting about the big dog that nearly scared the life out of me last night. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a deep growling, and before I knew where I was a huge big brown hairy dog threw itself at the big black gates, rattling the hell outa them. Ah, help! Mammy! Me heart froze in me mouth as I whipped me head around, looking straight into the open snarling jaws of the biggest dog I ever saw in me life. I stared at it for a split second, and its mad red eyes stared back at me. Me jaw dropped, watching as the muscles rippled along his back, then stiffen, getting himself ready to spring. I flew me eyes the length of the gate, judging if he can jump it, then another split second spent judging if I should run, or stand me ground. ‘Stand! That’s always better!’ I gasped to meself outa breath. Then it slowly, deliberately, stepped backwards on its paws, the eyes never leaving mine. It was as if he could read my mind and was going to attempt to spring over the gate.

  I blinked, swung me head, threw back me shoulders, and tore off up the hill, me feet not touching the ground, running for me life. I dare not look back. I blocked out everything, letting the quiet around me settle, listening for the sound of racing paws tearing up behind me, me skin on alert for the feel of hot wet breath on the back of me neck. I rounded the corner at ninety miles an hour, and kept running. ‘Ah, help! Mammy!’ I moaned, me elbows flying like propellers. Me arse pulled tight, tingling with the heat, waiting for the jaws to lock onta me, any minute now! I could hear a car coming up behind me and shot out in front of it, me whole body tingling, waiting for the knock, hoping I’d left enough distance not to get meself killed and maybe slow down the dog. Giving me time to throw out one eye to see if he was behind me. No sign!

  As I whizzed past the windscreen, seeing the driver look shocked, flying the steering wheel for all he was worth, hearing the screeching brakes, heading the car away from me, sliding over towards the high wall. Jaysus! Am I kilt stone dead, I wondered as I whirled around, me eyes peeling from him yanking the steering again, trying to wrestle the car away from the high stone wall, and fly along the footpath, then me eyes slid down the road. No! The dog didn’t make it.

  Oh, Jaysus! What a fright I got for meself! Me heart was pounding, and I could feel me face icy cold. Oh, Mammy! I never want to go through the like of that again. I’m afraid of me life of dogs, especially the size of that one. It looked like one of them big hairy cows ye get in Scotland. I saw a picture of them in a book, and that one was definitely bigger! I collapsed back against the old stone wall, dropping me head, sliding down, hanging onta me chest, trying to get a breath. Me legs seized up, feeling like lead.

  ‘YOU THERE!’ I snapped me head up just in time to see an aul fella, white as a sheet, leap out of the car making straight for me. Leaving the door wide open and the car wheels still up on the footpath. His head was bent forward with his fists clenched down by his side, wanting to get at me in a hurry, looking like he really meant business, because he was going to kill me when he got his hands on me. I watched him, not able to take me eyes off him, with his long gaberdine coat trailing out behind him. Fuck! I’m really for it now.

  ‘YOU BLOODY MENACE!’ he shouted, waving his fist at me.

  ‘I . . . oh . . . eh, it was an accident,’ I said, waving me arms, leaving me hand hanging in the air. Watching him get closer. Bloody hell, run! He looks like he might hold onto me for the police! They’re very fond of them in places like this.

  I took off, heading in the direction of the school, hoping he wouldn’t follow me. Jaysus! I could lose me job. If the people find out I’m liable to be throwing meself under the path of cars . . . Well, that’s the end of me. There’s no way they would let me loose with Ollie! Fuck that bleeding dog! I’m never daring to go past that gate again!

  I kept running, hearing the car come up behind me, and slowed down to get a look, ready to run back in the other direction. The car slowed down, and the baldy-headed aul fella started turning the handle on the window like mad, desperate to give me an earful. Then swung his head out, shouting, ‘You bloody mad young horror! I shall find out where you live, and complain vigorously to your parents. How dare they let you loose on the unsuspecting drivers! Stand still when I am speaking to you!’ he screamed, going purple in the face, really losing the rag altogether.

  ‘Sorry, I’m in an awful hurry,’ I mumbled, taking off again, knowing I was right. He would hang onta me, causing ructions. He’s not the sort to let things go. That kind of aul fella would hang you for looking crooked at him. I can see he has nothing else to do with his time! Jaysus! I don’t like the sort of people living around here! Many’s the time in the city centre I raced out under a car and all they do is curse you out of it. Threatening to knock the head offa ye if they get their hands on ye.

  ‘Right, Baldy! Catch me if you can!’ I muttered. Turning right and flying up the hill, along the narrow road with the high walls, wrapping around huge houses hidden away in their own grounds. I looked back ready to stop and dare him. Then I could duck back, going in the opposite direction again, giving him no chance to turn the car around because the road was too narrow.

  ‘No sign of him,’ I muttered, staring down the hill into the distance. Hearing only the quiet of the trees rustling in the breeze behind the high walls. I felt the wind going out of me. Pity! I was beginning to enjoy meself. The thought of driving him mad when he couldn’t get his hands on me. Ah, well! I took in a big sigh, dropping me shoulders, and let out a big breath, feeling better now me heart had stopped threatening to burst, and felt plenty of fresh air in me lungs after that run.

  Right! Next time keep your eyes peeled for trouble. There’s plenty of guard dogs round these parts. They must have plenty to rob and want to make sure no one gets their hands on their ill- gotten gains! I heard once, no one gets rich unless they first had to crawl on the backs of some poor unfortunates to get it. The poor are too honest, and they share the last penny in their pockets with you. Well! You certainly never become filthy rich unless ye came by it robbing someone. Hmm! Takes one robber to know another! I sniffed, looking up at the big mansions sitting on top of the hill. I was only in the half-penny place when I was doing me robbing. Yeah, well! One day I’m going to live in a big house like these, and I’ll get there through hard work. No more robbing for me! I thought, straightening me shoulders and moving up the hill, feeling light as air, with not a care in the world.

  I neared the school gates, see
ing the mothers coming out holding little boys’ hands and carrying their school bags. I started to hurry, wanting to get to Ollie. I rushed in the big gates and slowed down to get me bearings. The school was massive! It looked like a lovely old castle. With big arched brown doors and narrow long windows that went down to the ground. I could see a long winding avenue. With green lawns and trees around the high walls. Mothers were standing around talking to each other, while the boys went mad, chasing and pulling hell out of each other.

  I passed two aul ones nattering away, one interrupting the other. Neither one was listening. The pair of them screaming at each other until one said, ‘Stop, Simone! You just have to hear this.’

  ‘Do tell!’ gasped the other one. Thinking what she was going to say next, all the time shaking her head up and down while the other one yacked away for all she was worth in your woman’s face. I could tell she wasn’t listening. Her eyes kept blinking, with her neck leaning forward, ready to spring in, getting her turn when the other one paused for a breath.

  One very glamorous woman was wearing a fur coat with black high heels, and a big black fur hat to match. I stopped to stare. Them high heels don’t go with that fur hat, I thought. She should be wearing boots. Like she was really dressed for the snow that’s not coming. I moved on slowly, earwigging and gaping with me mouth open. She was screaming in a high-pitched voice to another one with blonde hair curling around her fawn cashmere coat. ‘My dear, he came crawling back on all fours with a huge bouquet of flowers clutched in one arm, and an enormous bottle of Miss Dior perfume in the other! And a box of After Eight mints gripped under his arm, grovelling! He was then positively drooling when he saw me standing there, in my long chic transparent night ensemble, giving him one of my “you may look but you are certainly not having me for dessert” looks! I rasped demurely, then swanned off in a sultry pout after polishing off half a bottle of Dom Bénédictine all on my poor ownsome.’ Then she threw back her head, giving a piercing laugh.

  The other one screamed her head off, neighing like a horse. Saying, ‘Oh, Miranda! You really are terrible! Poor man. It must have cost him a small fortune!’ The Fur Hat spluttered, dropping her head, bending herself in half, trying to get a breath with all the laughing.

  I could smell the perfume as I slid past, not looking where I was going, and knocked against the handbag hanging off her arm. Suddenly, she noticed me and whipped her arm into the air, looking to see if it was still there, giving me a withering look. Then she slid her eyes sideways, taking me in from head to toe. Looking from me green coat that had seen better days, down to me bokety shoes that someone left behind when they were in a hurry to get loose from the convent. Now I was getting the wear outa them. She turned away, closing her eyes, and started whispering to the other aul one, the pair of them looking in my direction and saying something about me. Then your woman sniffed, and turned away from me like she had a bad smell under her nose and muttered something to the other one, and the two of them roared laughing.

  I could feel me belly getting hot, with the rise coming up in me. I stared, boring holes in them. The cheek a her! Giving me dirty looks. I wonder who she thinks she is? Then I heard meself saying, ‘Is that animal dead, missus? Or does it just smell like that? And while I’m asking, do you put all that face paint on with a trowel? You would need more then that, missus, to hide your hatchet face,’ I said. Looking very sorrowful that someone could smell that bad and look so ugly. All the time pointing at her fur coat, then nodding me head slowly at her face.

  ‘What? Did you say something?’ she snapped, knowing full well what I just said.

  ‘Ah! Don’t worry about it. We all have our afflictions. Look at your woman standing beside you. That poor aul one is mutton dressed as lamb. Tut, tut! What aul ones will do to try and look young.’ Then I lifted me head into the air, twitching me nose like I just got a bad smell and marched off, trying to wobble me arse like Marilyn Monroe does in her films. Hearing them take in sharp breaths and mutter like mad, the pair of them going into shock. I could hear them agreeing like mad I was an insolent little bitch.

  Jaysus! That one has so much paint and powder on her face, I wonder does her husband get an awful fright when he sees her without it? Fur coat an no knickers! They probably live on bread and margarine to afford this place. Real ladies don’t carry on like that lot. They’re all done up like a dog’s dinner. I bet she looks like a dying aul hag first thing in the morning, after all her eating and drinking and getting up to no good. Huh! They really fancy themselves no end, the people living around here.

  I sniffed, feeling better at having me say on what I thought about them. Yeah! That put them aul ones in their place, the annoyance at their insults vanishing outa me. Right, to hell with them! Now, where’s little Ollie?

  I spotted a teacher with books in her arms, standing with her ankles crossed and a pained look on her face. She was listening to a mother who was gabbing away like she was desperate. With her mouth working up and down, rattling her head like she was chewing on something. And all the time trying to hold onta the hand of a little fella hopping his hand up and down in the mammy’s and doing a tug of war trying to escape. No, I won’t bother asking her. That mother looks like she would eat the head offa me if I interrupted her in the middle of moiderin the poor aul teacher.

  I wonder where Ollie is? I know what he looks like. I saw him in the photograph, and the mammy told the teacher Miss Prune to expect me.

  I heard shouting coming from me right and saw three little fellas tearing lumps outa each other. ‘Give it back!’ screamed a little fella with shiny brown floppy hair as a young fella grabbed his school cap off his head with one hand, and with the other grabbed a hold of his school tie, trying to strangle him. The second young fella managed to tear the school bag away from the brown-haired little fella after tugging at it like mad. The little blackguard ended up flat on his arse when the little fella suddenly let go. He was now being dragged along the wet grass, desperately trying to grab hold of his tie to stop the life getting choked out of him. The fella with the hat then grabbed up the poor kid’s blazer thrown on the grass and ran, waving it around his head, laughing and squealing like a hyena.

  ‘I’m going straight to Miss Prune and tell her what you’ve done, Georgie Hillsop, and you too, Sebastian Fryer,’ the little floppy-haired boy shouted, getting to his feet. Then it hit me. That’s Ollie. Poor Ollie! Them little beggars!

  ‘Hey! Cut that out!’ I flew over, grabbing the hat and blazer off the little bully, and reached over to the other fella for the school bag, seeing the leather strap broken and the little demon wouldn’t let it go.

  ‘That’s my bag! Give it back,’ screamed Ollie, nearly losing his mind, red in the face, his eyes burning with rage, and tears.

  ‘Let it go,’ I said quietly, prising the fingers of the fair-haired, curly-headed little fella with the face of an angel, and the big blue spiteful eyes daring me to get the bag off him. ‘Let it go,’ I said again quietly, staring hard into his overfed white face with the knowing look in his baby-blue eyes that said, ‘Nothing in this life will ever be refused to me.’

  ‘How dare you touch me!’ he screamed. ‘I shall tell on you at once! My father will have you up before the bench. He is a High Court judge! You will go to prison!’

  ‘Yes!’ screamed the other fella. ‘Tell Miss Prune, Sebastian! Let’s go and tell her at once.’

  ‘No, you don’t,’ I said, grabbing hold of the two of them. ‘Now! You pair. Listen to me,’ I said quietly, bending down and looking hard into each of their faces. They stood stock still, staring at me in shock, as I held them clamped together, side by side, staring daggers into their eyes. ‘I am going to come to this school in the morning and tell all the boys you are both cowards! Do you know what that means?’ They shook their heads in shock. ‘No! You don’t,’ I said. ‘Well, it means you are not real boys! You are not brave. You are two sissies. Do you know what that means?’ They shook their heads up and down. Their e
yes locked on mine. ‘Now, if the big boys hear you are both sissies! Cowards! Not brave! What do you think they will say? They will laugh at you, and shout every time they see you, “There go the two little cowards. They are bullies. They have to pick on other little boys who have no friends to protect them!” Do you think that might happen?’ I said, looking very shocked. ‘And, what’s worse . . .’ I took in a deep breath, ‘All the other boys in the class will laugh and call you names because you bully other little boys! So, do you want me to come here in the morning and tell all the mammies and the other boys in the school what you were doing to Oliver? I will, you know!’ I said quietly. They shook their heads up and down, and side to side, not knowing what was happening, and trying to take everything in at once. ‘Do you want that to happen?’ I whispered, looking very sad.

  ‘No!’ the blue-eyed little angel with the demon gone out of his eyes whispered. Now gone into complete shock. Nothing had ever happened to him like this before. No one had ever chastised him. Poor cocky little fella. If something went wrong, he wouldn’t be able to manage. I can see no one has ever threatened him in all his born days. Now he had the fear of God in him.

  ‘So, if you don’t want me to tell, what do you think you can do to make up to poor Oliver for tormenting him?’ I asked.

  ‘We are sorry,’ the pair of them whispered.

  ‘Hmm! I don’t know if that’s enough,’ I said, shaking me head. ‘What about if you all become friends? You make Oliver your best friend as well, then you’ll be three best friends and you can become heroes! Do you know why?’

  ‘No!’ the other fella said, moving closer, wanting to hear more.

  ‘Well, if someone else tries to hurt Oliver, you will be able to rescue him. You can become his protector. Like Ivanhoe! Did you ever see him on the television?’

  ‘Yeah! Yes, we did!’ they shouted, getting all excited.

  ‘Right, so which one of you is going to be Ivanhoe?’