Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  ‘Go on outa tha, yeh cheeky little cow. Women would give their eye teeth teh get their hands on me. Ask the wife, she couldn’t wait teh get me down the aisle,’ he said, shaking his shoulders, and wriggling his neck. Looking like he believed every word of what he’d just said.

  ‘There yeh go! The poor woman was desperate,’ I roared over. ‘By the time she got around to making up her mind, you were the only thing left sitting on the shelf!’

  ‘Ah, now, I was saving meself for you! But the poor woman threatened teh throw herself in the Liffey if I didn’t make an honest woman a her.’

  I roared laughing, watching the size of him, standing there wriggling himself, bouncing up and down on his toes, trying to make himself look bigger, and stretching his eyeballs, doing everything he could to make himself good-looking. Jaysus! He’s a gas character, I thought, standing at the bus stop, waiting on the bus. Enjoying meself no end.

  OK, here we go. Drumcondra. I walked past shops looking for Aladdin’s Den. Luxury clothes shop for ladies’ wear. Ah, here we are. I stood looking in the window at a dummy standing naked, waiting for something to be put on it. I stared down at big corsets, and long pink knickers, and long petticoats to go underneath the frocks. Gawd! They’re very hickey. I put me head in the door, seeing a long wooden counter with a brass surround. Shelves of wooden boxes had jumpers and nylons sticking out. Jaysus! Luxury? Sure, they’re only for aul grannies! I took me head out again, not wanting to be seen. And moved off, wanting to find out the time.

  Next door was a toy shop with the name Aladdin’s Cave. Jaysus! She must own that, too. I wonder where she got the name from? Maybe she made her money in them far-off foreign parts. Where they go around in turbans hanging off their heads, and fancy slippers with the toes looking up at you. Like Sinbad! No, he was a sailor man. That’s what the song said anyway, when I was a child.

  I looked down at me patent black shoes, seeing the lovely shine. Yeah! The Pond’s Cold Cream did wonders for polishing them, it brought up a lovely shine. I put on me black wool gloves I bought, to go with me Bonnie and Clyde hat the reverend mother bought me when I was leaving the convent. Now I look very respectable altogether. If she doesn’t give me the job looking like this, then she can stick it up her arse. She won’t get any better then me. Right, it must be time to go in. I straightened me shoulders and headed back to the shop.

  ‘Hello, I have an appointment to see Missus Aladdin.’

  ‘Who? Missus—’

  ‘Oh, sorry!’ I whipped me piece of paper out of me pocket and looked at it again. ‘Missus Murphy, the owner,’ I smiled.

  ‘Oh, yes!’ A grey-faced aul one with glasses sitting on her nose, and the bit of thin grey hair wrapped behind her head tied in a bun. You could see her scalp, where she should have had hair. ‘It’s just to the side of the shop. Push in the door, and knock on the first door on your left. When you get to the landing.’

  ‘Right! Thanks very much,’ I said, making for the door after the shop. I pushed in the hall door, sending it flying against the wall, and held me breath. I hope she didn’t hear that. She’ll say I’m wrecking the place before I even get in the door. I walked up the narrow stairs, breathing in years of dust. The carpet had seen better days and looked like nobody had swept it for years. This one still has her communion money, I said to meself. I bet she’s very mean with the money.

  I knocked on a brown wooden door with a spyhole in the middle, and moved away, not wanting her to see me before I got a chance to see her. ‘Come in!’ I turned the handle, walking into a room covered in cardboard boxes, looking around for Missus Murphy. ‘Are you the girl come for the interview for the shop assistant?’ I looked to see where the voice was coming from. ‘Come in. Sit down.’ Then I spotted her buried behind a big desk. ‘Shut the door,’ she said, standing up and pointing to the door I left open.

  I gaped at her. Jaysus! The size of her. She must weigh a ton. A little woman with a big red fat face, and a flat nose with little beady eyes was studying me, as I took her in. She was breathing hard. Making snuffling sounds. Jaysus! Her chest and arse and belly are massive. And her legs look like two tree trunks grown together. I dropped me eyes down to her ankles and they fell in rolls of fat, folding themselves down into a pair of old men’s slippers.

  ‘Sit down. Take the weight off your feet.’

  ‘Thanks very much,’ I said, sitting meself down on a dusty old chair, after moving a load of magazines off it.

  ‘Now, the shop is the next street up from here,’ she said, getting down to business straight away. ‘You have to work shift hours. That means you get up and be in the shop for seven a.m. For the newspaper deliveries. You work from seven to three one day. Then you start at three in the afternoon the next day, and finish at eleven at night. Then you are on again at seven a.m. for the early morning shift. We get the airport traffic, so that’s why we stay open late. It’s right on the route to the airport, so we get a lot of business from that end.’ She smiled, showing a mouthful of gums, with tiny black teeth.

  I stared. Some of them are rotten. Gawd! She’s ugly. Just as well she has the money. I looked to see if she really had a wedding ring on her finger. No! I knew it. She’s calling herself missus in case anyone tries to rob her business. ‘I’ll get me husband onta yeh!’ she can roar. Because men take no notice of women. You have to have a man. But she’s right there! I’d do the same.

  I blinked, leaning forward to catch up with what she was saying. ‘There’s a flat goes with the job. The wages is three pounds ten shillings a week. Naturally, you are paid on the Friday. The first week you work a back week. That means you don’t get paid that week. But you get it back when you are leaving the job. Is that understood?’

  ‘Yes, mam.’ I shook me head, taking everything in.

  ‘Now, you pay one pound ten shillings rent, and ten shillings a week for the electricity bill. That means you get one pound ten shillings into your hand after the deductions.’

  ‘So I really only get thirty bob a week wages! Is that it?’

  She stared at me, her beady little eyes disappearing, the way she narrowed them. I could see her thinking, reading me from head to toe. I dropped me face, relaxing it, and keeping me mouth closed, and me eyes steady with me hands sitting limply across each other in me lap, closing meself down and giving nothing away. I just waited quietly for her to make her judgement. I didn’t want to let her think I might be trouble, by questioning everything. No, I want this job.

  She took in a big breath, saying, ‘No, you are forgetting you have to pay rent, and the electricity doesn’t pay itself. So, in fact, you are getting it cheap. Now, do you want the job?’

  ‘Yes! Yes, please. I’ll take it!’

  ‘When can you start? I want someone straight away.’

  I thought about this. Clare and Greg will be home on Sunday. Monday! ‘Will Monday be all right?’

  ‘Yes. But can you get here on Sunday night? I want you to start on the Monday early morning shift. Molly will show you the ropes. You can work the shift with her. Then take over in the afternoon. Then Paddy, that’s my manager, he runs the bookies for me. He has the keys to the shops and will lock up and check the takings. You are going to have to learn how to do that. Because he just double-checks. But I’ll get him to help you, or maybe Molly. By the way, are you any good with figures? I hope you can count.’

  ‘No problem, mam!’ I breezed out. Shaking me head like I was born counting.

  ‘Good. Because you will be responsible for any deficits in the till at the end of your shift.’

  ‘Oh! Do you mean if I’m short of money when we count it up, I have to pay out of me own pocket?’

  ‘Of course! I’m not running a charity for fools!’

  ‘No,’ I said slowly, thinking no wonder she has her money made.

  This fucking aul one would sell the clothes off her granny’s back if there was any money in it. Hmm!

  ‘So, just to be sure I understand everything, I work a shift,
then start late the next day. Is that right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, if I work two shifts on Monday, I will be getting the time off for that. Isn’t that right?’

  She stared at me, thinking, looking shocked. This idea hadn’t even hit her. ‘Eh, I don’t think so. Because we will have to give you training.’

  ‘At that rate of going, mam, you can have someone stay with me on my shift to give me all the training I need. But by the sounds of it, I should pick it up fast.’

  ‘But then I would have to pay Molly to work an extra shift!’ she said, the shock at losing money really hitting her now.

  ‘Well, her or me. I am a very hard worker and I pick things up quickly. But, like you said, mam, my life is not given over to working for charity either.’

  ‘Right, well, anyway, let me think,’ she said, sounding like she was caught out at her own game. ‘Hmm!’ she said, thinking, trying to work out how she could milk me. ‘Right so,’ she said, scratching her head. ‘I’ll ask Molly to keep an eye on you working your shift on the Monday morning, she’ll probably be hanging around anyway. The flat is just above the shop. Yes, I’ll do that. She’s very obliging that way.’

  Good, I thought. She can milk the obliging Molly, and more fool her. I’ve learned me lesson well, after working for them bleeding nuns, milking every last ounce of obliging I had in me bones.

  ‘Here is the address. The house is next door to the shop. That’s where the flats are.’ Then she handed me a piece of paper, saying, ‘Right! That’s it then.’

  I stood up, saying, ‘Thank you very much, Missus Murphy. I’m delighted with the job.’

  ‘Good. I’m glad to hear you say that. I hope you settle in well. It’s a good job, you know?’

  ‘Yes. Indeed it is, Missus Murphy. Well, thanks again.’ Then I was out the door and down the stairs, flying down the road, jumping through the air with the excitement. Working in a shop! Off at three o’clock. Sleep in late in the mornings. I won’t have to get up early, only every other morning, and it’s close to the city centre. Oh, thank you, God, for looking after me. I’m so happy, and the best of all was, she did all the talking. I didn’t have to give her any information about meself, so I didn’t have to say I’d just come out of the convent, and watch her counting up all the dollar signs spinning through her head at the thought she was going to get a right eejit she could milk for all its worth. Someone who was just let loose after being locked up for years, and knew nothing about the world and its ways. No, now I’ll be able to keep quiet about that, and just say I worked in a shop. That’s when I move the next step up the ladder, to do whatever job that’s going to be. Probably office work next. I’ll save me money, and pay for the night school to get the training. I tore off, heading into town, not waiting for a bus. I can’t wait to get back and tell the little granny. I have a job.

  I woke up seeing the light coming in through the curtains. It’s Sunday! I don’t have to get up early. Great! I stretched and yawned, giving a little shiver, feeling the heat of the blankets, and snuggled down again, to go for a bit of a snooze, laughing under me breath at the luxury of it all. Then me eyes opened slowly again. Sunday! I’m leaving today. Clare and Greg will be back. Jaysus! I better get up quick and get meself going. I have to pack.

  I dived out of the bed and into me clothes, opening the door and heading down for me breakfast. I could smell a lovely fry coming from the kitchen, and hear laughing and voices. I leapt into the kitchen, landing me eyes on Clare sitting at the table with Timmy on her knee, helping to eat the sausages off her plate. ‘Look who’s here!’ Greg roared, standing there large as life with his hands on his hips, wearing his dressing gown and brown leather slippers. Laughing at the sight of me face at clapping eyes on them.

  ‘Clare! You’re back!’ I shouted, rushing in and standing beside her at the table, staring at her, still trying to take in the sight of her. ‘How was your holiday?’ I laughed, getting all excited. Looking from her with the lovely golden face and her hair snow white. Then whipping me eyes over to Greg, looking brown as a berry, with his brown curls gone a goldie colour.

  ‘Great,’ he laughed. ‘It was a second honeymoon! Isn’t that right, darling?’ he laughed over to Clare, who was smiling, looking at him, closing her eyes like she was very tired but regretting it was all over.

  ‘Oh, it was marvellous. We had a wonderful time, Martha. How did you and Mother get on with the children? Was everything all right?’ she said, putting a bit of rasher in her mouth, and buttering a slice of toast. Timmy sat on her lap, watching the rasher going into her mouth, and wringing his hands, having them at the ready. I could see he was biding his time, getting ready to grab it.

  ‘Watch that last sausage, Clare!’ I laughed. ‘You’re about to see it vanish.’

  ‘Oh, I was looking forward to this. But most of it has already found its way down his little tum-tum,’ she laughed, squeezing his belly, making him fart, and squeal laughing.

  I peeled me eyes back to Clare, saying, ‘Oh, everything was fine. We had no problems whatsoever. Do you know, Clare, I think your mother is great. She’s a real dote!’

  Greg threw back his head and screamed laughing. ‘Greg! Behave yourself!’ Clare snorted, getting annoyed with him making a joke of her mother.

  ‘Ah, no! Seriously, though. I told you they would get on like a house on fire. The elderly and the young always do,’ he said. Shaking his head up and down, trying to look serious, and looking very contrite at Clare, then at me, and back to see how Clare was taking it. Hoping he had made peace with her.

  She gave him a look from the corner of her eye to see if he meant it. Then she smiled at me, saying, ‘I’m delighted to hear that, Martha. It eased my mind knowing my mother had you to help. She was delighted with being left with the children, but she’s not getting any younger. Well, everything seems to have been fine without me!’ she said. Looking around the kitchen then laughing down at Timmy, wrestling with a whole sausage. He was trying to chew the lot at once, but he couldn’t get his teeth around the size of it. Clare pulled it out of his mouth, and gave him a piece, leaving the rest sitting on the plate. He swallowed the lot without chewing, and grabbed the rest, jamming it in his mouth. Then started to choke, and pulled the lot out of his throat again, making a sick-looking face, and stared at it in disgust. Then he flung it on the plate, jamming his two little hands under his arms, shivering his face, his whole little body rattling. Like he had just eaten something horrible. I roared laughing, looking at the carry on of him.

  ‘That’s put him off sausages for a while,’ I said.

  ‘You must be joking,’ Clare said. ‘Some people eat to live. Others live to eat. Especially this little glutton here,’ she said, shaking him and giving him a smacking kiss on his head.

  ‘So! Here we are. Back to the grindstone,’ Greg said, scratching his head like mad, then stopping, with his head bent to the floor, looking like he was thinking. ‘Oh, by the way, Clare, I better check the diary for this week! I think that conference is coming up on Thursday.’ Then he was out of the kitchen, flying up the stairs, heading into their bedroom.

  ‘Clare, I’m leaving this afternoon, after lunch. I got meself a new job,’ I said, watching her eyes open wide with her mouth dropping, staring at me in shock. ‘Yeah! I got a new job working in a shop! I have to start early in the morning. So they want me to arrive there this evening. I get a flat with the job.’

  ‘You are leaving today!’ she said, dropping her head on the word ‘today’. Trying to take it in. ‘Gracious! I didn’t expect you to leave so soon. I know we said five weeks but . . . I suppose you are right. Where is the shop?’

  ‘Drumcondra, Clare. It’s not too far from the city centre.’

  ‘Well, I certainly am going to miss you. The boys really did take a shine to you. Especially Ollie! He really will miss you,’ she said, thinking about this. ‘Right, I better get moving and get the dinner started. You don’t want to arrive late!’ she laug
hed, looking at me with meaning, her mouth shut, then letting it drop, and her eyebrows hitting the ceiling. I roared laughing, remembering how I arrived in the middle of the night, waking the whole house up.

  ‘No,’ I said, shaking me head. ‘Definitely not that. I won’t be making that mistake again.’

  ‘Come on then. Let’s get moving. You start the washing up, while I take this little scruffpot up and change him.’

  T he bus stopped and started, letting people on and off, slowly making its way out of O’Connell Street.

  ‘Jesus Christ almighty, that’s a terrible dirty aul night! Yeh’d be blown clean offa yer feet, if yeh hadn’t a pick on yeh!’ I heard an aul one roar, huffing and puffing, talking to everyone and no one as she hauled herself along the bus, holding onto the back of the seats with one hand, and shaking her wet umbrella with the other. Sending sparks of rainwater flying in all directions. I moved away from the window, shuffling meself fast down the seat, not wanting to make any room for her. Then I lifted me head again, looking up to see a big fat aul one with a dripping-wet face, stripping a soaking-wet scarf off her head. I could see by the way she was looking at me, she was intent on planting herself down beside me.

  Jaysus! She’s standing there waiting for me to move in. I could hear her heavy breathing in me ear, and feel the hot breath on me neck. She hesitated at my seat, not sure what she was going to do. I whipped me head over to the window, pretending to stare out. Not seeing anything through the dark glass with the condensation running down. I gave it a wipe with me hand, pretending to be busy. I could see her reflection standing there with her mouth open, waiting for me to move.

  ‘Eh, you! Would yeh not move up and make room for me?’ she roared. ‘Hey! I’m speaking to yeh!’ she moaned, poking me on the shoulder.