Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  ‘Martha! It’s you! Where are yeh goin? Where did yeh come from?’ they roared, their eyes lighting up at the sight of me.

  ‘Jaysus! Where did youse come out of?’ I said, trying to get me breath back with the shock. Then grabbing a hold of them and squeezing the life out of them.

  ‘We’re doin nothin. Just goin fer a ramble,’ they said, lookin me up and down, with the lot of us all getting excited and delighted at seeing each other.

  ‘Where’s the ma? Are youse on yer own?’

  ‘Yeah, we are,’ Teddy said.

  ‘But how did youse do that? How did yeh get into town?’

  ‘We walked!’ Harry said, laughing and looking at Teddy.

  ‘Jaysus!’ I couldn’t take it in. ‘Come on. Come with me. I’m going to buy youse fish and chips. I want to know what you have been up to!’

  ‘Here, get that into you,’ I said, pushing the two plates down in front of them when the waitress landed the three plates of fish and chips on the table.

  ‘Anything else?’ the waitress said, holding up her notebook and pencil.

  ‘Yeah, give me a large pot of tea and two plates of bread and butter.’

  ‘Right, will that be all?’ she said, looking at me.

  ‘Yeah, thanks,’ I said, watching her write down what we had ordered, and putting the bill on the table. I looked at it. Twelve shillings and sixpence! Fuck. That’s a lot! Never mind. It’s worth every penny.

  ‘How did youse two get out of the house?’ I said, looking at them shovelling down the chips and picking up the fish with their two hands, and making short work of it.

  ‘We were supposed teh be gone teh school, Martha,’ Teddy said, nearly choking on his grub.

  ‘Take it easy. Don’t try teh eat it all at the same time,’ I said, looking at them, their faces bursting with the grub. I ate me fish and chips slowly, waiting for them to have their fill before I said another word. ‘Here, take half of that between the two of you,’ I said, dividing up most of me fish and chips, not feeling very hungry. I wanted them to have it. God knows when they will get another feed.

  ‘Are yeh sure yeh don’t want it, Martha?’ Teddy said, his eyes bulging at me plate, wanting it, but not wanting to deprive me.

  ‘Yeah, course I don’t. Go on, eat it up! Do yehs want more bread?’

  ‘Yeah! We do, don’t we, Teddy?’ Harry said, shaking his head with the woolly hat wrapped around it, covering his forehead.

  ‘Why are yeh wearing that hat, Harry?’

  ‘Cos he has sores, Martha! His head is covered in sores!’

  ‘Oh, my God! When did that happen?’

  ‘It’s been like tha fer weeks, Martha. Me ma’s puttin ointment on it. An he has teh keep it covered. Don’t yeh, Harry?’

  ‘Yeah!’ Harry said, shaking his head up and down. Smiling at me.

  Fucking hell! Jaysus Christ almighty, I moaned to meself. That’s fucking sheer neglect. ‘So, come on, tell me. Why are yehs hanging around the town? What are youse doing out on your own?’

  ‘We were supposed teh be at school. But we’re not. We’re mitchin!’ Teddy said, looking at Harry wit a devilment look on his face. Then the two of them grinned at me.

  ‘Yeah, me da doesn’t know or he’d kill us. But we know he won’t find out this time cos he’s gone off drinkin wit the labour money.’

  ‘Yeah, he was drinkin yesterday. An this mornin he grabbed the money left in me ma’s purse, and ran off out the door sayin he was goin for a drink. Me ma went mad an started roarin an screamin. She sent us out after him teh get the money back but we watched him get on the bus an then we took off ourselves! Didn’t we, Harry?’

  ‘Yeah, we did!’ giggled Harry. ‘We walked inta town teh have a look aroun.’

  ‘But what happens when yeh go back home now? Won’t he find out then?’

  ‘No, he’ll be too drunk teh know!’

  ‘Yeah, cos he’ll be flat out on the sofa. So we can sneak back in!’ laughed Harry. ‘Yeah!’

  ‘But member the last time he caught us, Harry?’ Teddy said, with the fear of God coming across his face. Teddy shook his head at me, remembering. ‘He founded out we were mitchin, Martha. So we hid in the field down the road from the house. But he found us when we fell asleep in the night time. An he picked us up be our necks, an dragged us home like tha. Then he thrun us in the bath, an he got a rope an tied it aroun our necks and tied us tegether. Then he wrapped it aroun the tap in the bath and turned on the tap, makin the water pour out, an tried teh drown us! Our tongues were hangin out cos we were chokin and we went all black!’

  ‘Yeah, me ma said our faces turned all black. She was screamin, an we weren’t breathin no more! She stopped him. Yeah! Ony fer tha we woulda been dead. Yeah! We were nearly goners,’ Harry said, shaking his head, his eyes staring out of his skull, with his mind wandering back to that time of hell.

  ‘Oh, Jesus! What am I going to do with youse? He’ll kill you for good this time, if he finds out!’ Me heart was going like the clappers, looking at the two of them sitting there watching me, waiting to see what I could do next for them. ‘Listen, Teddy, Harry. Where’s Charlie?’

  ‘We don’t know! He just keeps runnin off from the house.’

  ‘What? Where is he now?’

  ‘We don’t know! Me da’s givin up lookin fer him. The first few times he ran away me da used teh go out an find him. He was hangin aroun the fields wit the big young ones. An me da bate the hell outa him. But Charlie doesn’t care. He just runs off again when me ma sends him for the messages!’ They laughed. ‘Yeah! Ever since you left, he was gettin inta trouble wit me da. He wanted him teh do all the things tha you did. But me da said he was too stupid. An he wouldn’t do anythin for them. He wouldn’t even go fer the bread up to the convents. So, the first time me da threw him outa the house he thought Charlie would come back. But he didn’t. So Charlie wouldn’t come back ever since. He likes teh stay away, so he does. An me da went mad. Cos he wanted him teh go fer the messages, an look after things the way you did, Martha. Yeah! But Charlie won’t do it. He doesn’t care how much me da kills him cos he knows he can run away. Yeah! So are we, aren’t we, Harry?’

  ‘Yeah, we don’t care neighter,’ Harry said, shaking his head and looking at Teddy. The two of them trying to make themselves brave.

  ‘No, come on. You’re going home. I’m putting the two of youse on the bus. You are too young to be on the streets! Are you listening to me?’

  ‘Yeah,’ they said, the light going out of their eyes. Not wanting to go back home.

  ‘Listen, my little darlings,’ I said, putting me hands across the table and stroking their little cheeks. ‘You have to go home to the ma. She’ll be worried sick looking for youse. The streets are very very dangerous! There’s people walking these streets who would grab hold of you and you’d never be seen again. They would murder you! Did you know that?’

  ‘Yeah!’ they said, the terrible thought just occurring to them now.

  ‘You have to wait another few years before you can live on your own. I’m big. I’m sixteen so I can go where I like now! It seems a long time for you to wait, I had to wait when I was your age. I thought the time would never come, but it did. You need to go to school every day and learn to read and write. Life is hard if you can’t write your name! Have youse learned to write yet?’

  ‘No, but we don’t like school.’

  ‘We can’t read nor write. An the master kills us. Doesn’t he, Harry?’

  ‘Yeah, I get kilt, too,’ Harry said, shaking his head, looking fearful.

  ‘Oh, Jaysus! Learn the letters and you can teach yourselves like I did! Do you know your letters?’

  ‘Yeah, we know the letters, don’t we, Harry?’

  ‘Yeah, we can say all the letters, Martha,’ Harry said, looking more happy.

  ‘Right then, reading is easy! Just spell them together, getting the sound then keep saying it, go around spelling everything you see. Break down the word, get the sound and
soon you will be able to read. That’s how I learned. Now I want you to do that. Are you listening to me? Then school will be easier. Anyway, it gets you away from that aul fella. Right, will you promise me you will go to school?’

  ‘Yeah, we will,’ they said, shaking their heads, meaning it for the moment.

  I paid the bill, looking at me change. Four shillings and sixpence.

  ‘Come on, let’s go and get the bus!’

  ‘Are you comin wit us, Martha?’ they said together, their eyes staring out of their heads with excitement.

  ‘No, what would I be doing going back there? Can you see me living with Jackser?’

  ‘No,’ they laughed, then their faces dropped.

  ‘We miss you, Martha,’ Harry said, with his little face looking very mournful. ‘Me ma is always talkin about all the stuff you used teh get!’

  ‘Yeah, me da really misses the money yeh used teh bring home,’ Teddy said, shaking his head at the memory, thinking about all the loss they had. ‘He’s always talkin about it. Yeah, yeh used teh bring us toys an everythin,’ he said, the pair of them agreeing with each other. Their heads hanging along the ground.

  ‘Ah, come on, you two. Your time will come! Then you will be able to leave and get yourselves a job. Now, isn’t this lovely, the way we met? Did you like your fish and chips, eating in that café? Wasn’t it great?’

  ‘Yeah, we never had anythin like tha before, did we, Harry?’

  ‘No! Tha was great, it was!’

  ‘OK, let’s rush up to Woolworths and buy cornets. Would yehs like that?’

  ‘Yeah! Yeah! Can we do it now, Martha?’

  ‘Course we can. Come on!’

  We headed up Henry Street and went into Woolworths. ‘Give us two ninety-nines,’ I said, handing the girl two shillings and waiting for her to give us two creamy ice creams with two chocolate flakes stuck in the middle. ‘Right, boys. Here you are,’ I said, putting one each in their hands. ‘Come on! Take a bag and put a few sweets in and get yourselves a big bag of pick ’n’ mix each. Look, you can take your pick of all the sweets and put them in the bag. Here’s a shovel. Wait, I’ll do it meself. I’ll get yeh some of all of them, and I want to get a bag each for Dinah and Sally and Agnes. How are they?’ I asked smiling. ‘Are they oK?’

  ‘Yeah, they go teh your old school, Martha!’

  ‘Yeah,’ Harry said, getting all excited.

  ‘Shurrup, Harry! I’m tellin her,’ Teddy said, looking very annoyed at Harry.

  ‘Yeah,’ Harry said, smiling and looking at the ground, disappointed he couldn’t tell me.

  ‘Ah, Teddy! Let Harry tell me one bit then you can tell me the rest.’

  ‘But I want teh tell yeh! I was the first teh start talkin, Martha!’

  ‘Yeah, I’m dying to hear you, but I want to hear Harry first. Go on, Harry. Tell me what you were going to say.’

  ‘Dinah is goin teh yer old schule. An she’s makin her communion next year, so she is. An . . .’

  ‘It’s muy turn teh talk!’ roared Teddy, putting his hand over Harry’s face and mouth.

  ‘Fuck off!’ roared Harry, losing the rag.

  ‘Stop! No fightin or yehs are not gettin any a them sweets!’ I said. ‘Now be nice. Tell me, Teddy, what you were going to say.’ I heard meself getting back to me new voice. Forgetting meself for a minute, going back to me old way of speaking.

  ‘Yeah, she’s gone inta the first class, so she’ll be makin the communion next May. An Sally is in the high babbies an she’s goin teh be goin inta the first class next year. But Agnes won’t be goin teh schule yet cos she’s not big enough yet. An the new babby is a boy! Me da called him Gerry.’

  ‘Ah, is he lovely?’

  ‘Yeah, he has black hair, an me ma’s eyes.’

  ‘Yeah, me ma says they’re her eyes!’ shouted Harry.

  ‘But she’s not able fer him, Martha,’ Teddy said, looking pained in the face at this idea. ‘She’s complainin she’s tired all the time. She keeps him in the bed wit her. An me da goes mad! They’re always fightin an shoutin. We can’t get no sleep wit them at night time. Sure we don’t, Harry?’

  ‘No, they keep roarin an shoutin,’ Harry agreed.

  ‘Then he always goes out on the drinkin! We don’t care, do we, Harry?’

  ‘No, cos then he doesn’t be at home all day!’ Harry said, shaking his head, thinking that was a good thing.

  ‘No! But when he gets back then tha’s when all the killins does start,’ puffed Teddy, lookin shocked at the thought of it.

  ‘Yeah, there does be killins,’ said Harry quietly, shaking his head, thinking about it.

  ‘Bastards!’ I muttered.

  ‘Where are yeh livin, Martha? Mebbe we can come an stay wit you?’

  ‘Can we do tha? Yeah! Yeah! We want teh come teh live wit you, Martha!’

  ‘Jaysus!’ I said, scratching the hat off me head. ‘Believe me, if I could, I would do it this minute! But I have nowhere to take youse. I share a room wit another one, an aul one from the country. She thinks she’s doing me a favour by letting me sleep in the room. No, Teddy, Harry. It breaks me heart to say this. But I can’t take you to live with me. I hardly have anywhere to go. I have to be careful not to lose me job, or then I’m sunk! I’d have nowhere to live.’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ they said, the two of them shaking their heads, understanding what I’m saying, and looking at the ground feeling very miserable.

  We headed out of Woolworths, the pair of them sticking their noses into the white bags and taking out a boiled sweet to suck on. ‘Come on! Let’s go up to Parnell Street for the bus out to Finglas.’

  ‘Oh! Yeh didn’t know, did yeh? We moved outa our old house!’ roared Teddy, getting all excited.

  ‘Yeah, yeah!’ shouted the two of them together.

  ‘We swapped wit a man an he gev us money!’ Teddy explained.

  ‘What? Are you not living in Finglas any more?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, we are,’ they said, shaking their heads up and down, getting outa breath and all excited.

  ‘We only moved down the road,’ puffed Teddy. ‘It’s just a bit far down. But we don’t like it, and me ma an da doesn’t like it. Everyone is very rough! An one day me da got inta a fight wit another man, an me ma tried teh help him an a gang a people jumped on her, an beat her up somethin terrible.’

  Oh sweet Jesus! I could feel me heart drop down into me belly, the shock making me head go light and the colour leaving me face. ‘Was the ma all right?’ I whispered.

  ‘Yeah! It happened before she had the new babby. An she had a go inta the ambulance teh hospidal. Tha’s why we came down teh you! In the convent. Me da said we was teh keep our traps shut and not teh tell you or the nuns. So we kept quiet,’ Teddy said, his voice trailing off into a whisper. The memory of that time hurting him.

  I looked at Harry, his eyes standing out of his head, and his mouth open, listening and remembering. ‘Come on! You’re OK here and now with me,’ I said, pulling the two of them under me arms, one each side of me. ‘Do we still get the bus on Parnell Street?’ I said.

  ‘Yeah! We know the bus teh get. It’s still the same one. We just have teh get off sooner!’

  ‘OK, here we are,’ I said, making for the bus stop. ‘Now, here’s the bag with the three bags of sweets, one each for Dinah and Sally and Agnes. I got a packet of silvermints for the ma because she likes them. They’re in the bag, too. OK? Now, Harry. You carry them. Listen, Teddy, I want you to do something for me. I am going to trust you to do this for me, OK?’ I said, opening me bag and taking out what money I had left. ‘First of all, this is for your bus fare. It’s twopence each. Right?’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ Teddy said, looking at me handing him the fourpence for the bus.

  ‘Here’s two shillings each to spend on yourselves. Now, I want you to give this two pound to me mammy. She needs this to buy food because I bet she hasn’t got a penny left after that bandy aul bastard spent the lot on the fucking drink. So g
ive her this and don’t lose it! Are yeh listening teh me carefully? Here, have yeh got pockets in them short trousers?’

  ‘No, there’s a hole in me trousers, Martha.’

  ‘Fuck, I don’t want you going and losing all this money.’

  ‘Give it teh me, Martha! I promise I’ll take care not teh lose it!’

  ‘OK, here’s what I’ll do. Harry. Give me that bag with the sweets. I’m going to put the money in here. You carry it, Teddy. Make sure you give it to the ma, and don’t let that bastard Jackser get his hands on it, will you!’

  ‘No,’ he said, shaking his head up and down, listening to me very intently.

  ‘Now, will you give me ma that money? You wouldn’t keep it for yourself, would you?’ I asked him, kneeling down and looking into his eyes.

  ‘No, I promise we won’t spend it on ourselves! I cross me heart and hope teh die,’ he said, looking at me, his little face so serious.

  ‘I want the ma to buy you a bit of dinner,’ I said, in a whisper. ‘Especially Dinah and Sally and Agnes. You wouldn’t want them to go hungry after you had a lovely time, would you?’

  ‘No, we will give me ma the money. I promise on me word a honour, Martha.’

  ‘Right, love,’ I sighed, knowing they would.

  I stood up, drawing the two of them close to me, holding them under me arm. Trying to wrap them in me coat, treasuring the minutes we had together, waiting on the bus. With nobody saying a word. We just stood in out of the cold, in the doorway of a house. The three of us, holding onto the warmth of each other, me wishing I could protect them and take care of them meself and they standing hanging onto me, snuggling closer in behind me, trying to shelter from the cold wind blowing up from the Liffey, feeling safe now just for the moment, knowing I would protect them with my life, but soon we will be going our own separate ways. Them back to the hell on earth, and me going back to a job where I was not going to last. Molly’s trying her best to get rid of me. I didn’t suit her ways.

  ‘Here we are,’ I whispered in a sigh, seeing the bus pull into the terminus. ‘Come on, sit on the seat next to the driver.’ I got on the bus with them and put them sitting down where the conductor could see them. ‘Sit there for a minute. Give me the name of the stop where you get off,’ I said.