Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  I crept into the chapel quietly, smelling the incense and smoke from the burning candles, and looked at all the little lights burning around the huge church. It’s lovely and peaceful and warm in here. No harm can ever come to you when you’re in a place like this, I thought, looking around at all the statues and making me way over to the one of the Sacred Heart. I took out me purse and rooted for a penny, putting it in the brass box, and lit a little white candle. I stared at the flickering light, watching it catch, then flare into life. Then I leaned over, putting it with all the other candles burning for people’s intentions. I blessed meself as I knelt down on the soft cushion on the kneeler and looked up at the statue. A lovely red lamp was glowing, giving out a cosy warm heat.

  Dear God! Thank you so much for looking after me. I know I can never go far wrong when you are always there to watch over me. I will try to be good and do my best at everything I do. Please keep me safe and, above all, help me to stay out of trouble. Because you know, Sacred Heart, I can’t afford to lose this job. Thank you for everything you do for me, and please, God, look after me ma and all me sisters and brothers. But especially for Charlie! He’s on his own, too! Thank you, God.

  I lowered me head, closing me eyes, and paused for a minute. Letting the warmth of the Sacred Heart’s little alcove, with the statue looking down at me, and the red lamp glowing, and all the little white candles burning in their brass holders. Making me feel safe and warm and peaceful. I sat on, letting it sink into me.

  I have more to say, God. Today was a very worrying one. I felt a bit lost and lonely wandering up and down, feeling different from all the rest of the people. Especially when it was so cold out. That makes you feel worse. I really wanted someone I could sit down with and have a talk. Tell them all me worries. But I can’t tell me business to anyone. I mean, to people I don’t know. Even though I don’t know many people, just Sister Eleanor, really. Now, you know she doesn’t really know anything about me business. Yeah, she knows we are poor. She saw me little brothers and sisters when they came that time to the convent. But that’s all she knows. She doesn’t know I’m a bastard, and I don’t belong to Jackser! Yeah, thanks, God, for that. I’m very grateful to you for small mercies! Well, that’s a big mercy! Anyway, God, nobody knows nothing about me and I intend it stays that way. So I have to hide all that. You know how shocked people would be if they heard that kind of thing about me. They would run a mile. Definitely they would look down on me. I could even see Sister Eleanor’s face dropping if I told her any of the things that went on with me ma and Jackser.

  They knew I was different in the convent. I wasn’t one a them. They saw me as a street kid. So can you imagine what people would have said if they knew what I really came from? But it still pains me, God, when I’m down and out like today. That’s when it really hits me. Anyway, God, what am I talking about that for? Sure that doesn’t matter any more. So what am I on about? Oh, yeah! What I really mean to say is, all them things about me makes me feel different. No . . . that’s not what I’m trying to say. Look, God, I just felt different. I wanted to have someone for meself. Someone I belonged to, to have somewhere to go. In other words, God, if I could turn up somewhere and knock on the door. Even if they didn’t like me. That would be OK. Because I’d know when they open that door they would have to let me in because I belong to them. That’s my home, God. Not go wandering in the cold looking for somewhere to sit in and get a bit of heat. Hoping to meet someone to pass the time with and have a bit of company and a little chat. So I won’t feel so lonely and take me mind off me worries. You know, about having no job. Worrying about finding another one.

  Sorry, I’m moaning, God. No, I know what I want to say but I can’t work it out. But this is what I want to tell you. I know when everything else is gone, and I’m left with nobody, I’m still not alone in the world. I can always come here and sit with you, and tell you about me worries. You will never let me down. You are always listening to me, because I know you really care about me. You have helped me all through my life in my hours of need. I know even when I walk out of here, you will stay with me. So, God, I need never be afraid as long as I have you. You are the greatest power on this earth. So how could I ever be afraid? No, you love me as I am. I know that because you know everything. So you know what I’m thinking and what I’m really like, who I really am. Yet you still love me. That makes me feel I am somebody. I’m not dirt. Even though I have no home of me own to go to. Or a family I can talk about. You know, dear God, what people are like if they knew what I was really like and what kind of life I’ve had. They would look down on me, think I’m only dirt! But you know I’m not. I will become somebody one day. I will have me own place to go to. Everything will work out in the end. Thanks, God, for listening to me. Goodbye now.

  No, not really goodbye! Sure aren’t you coming with me? I mean, you can be everywhere at the same time! But this is where you live. In the quiet here. The chapel, in this house of prayer. I heard somebody call it that once. It must have been a nun. Yeah, I like that – house of prayer. Holy God’s house. Me ma used to always call it that. I miss her, God, me old ma, the one I had before she met Jackser! That pains me now, God. Just remembering her face back then. Oh, I’m off again. Wanting to cry. No, I’m fine now. I’m all grown up. I don’t really need a mammy any more. I can take care of meself. Yeah, life’s a bowl of cherries! I’m all grown up. Right, I better get moving.

  I gently lifted me head, and took up me suitcase, and made me way quietly out of the church, feeling at peace with meself and the world. Making me feel lovely and warm inside meself. The cold hit me straight away as I stood on the steps buttoning up the top of me coat and took off, heading for the bus. I saw the woman was still sitting there and I paused to look at her. ‘Fer the love a God, daughter, would yeh ever have a few coppers teh get a sup a milk for the babby?’ she implored me, stretching out her hand. I dropped me suitcase and left me handbag down on the ground and took the purse out of me pocket.

  ‘Here, will that do you?’ I said, handing her a shilling.

  ‘Oh, God bless yeh, and may yeh be rewarded in heaven for yer bit a kindness,’ she said, blessing me.

  ‘Can you not get up out of the cold and go home now?’ I asked her, hoping she had made her few bob and could move herself off home and maybe get a few messages and have a bit of heat.

  Ah, I think I will, daughter! Sure there’s no day left in it anyways,’ she said, looking up at the cold clear sky.

  ‘OK, goodbye now,’ I said, grabbing up me suitcase, and took off heading for the bus.

  ‘Fares now, please.’ I heard the conductor rattling his money bag and muttering at people for the money. Where’s me bag? I shot me head down, looking at me suitcase sitting on the floor beside me on the seat. Bag? Where’s me handbag? Me heart leaped. No bag! Oh, Jesus, don’t say I’ve lost it.

  I jumped up, grabbing the suitcase out of the way, putting it in the aisle, looking down on the floor and all round the seat. Nothing. It’s gone. Then it hit me. I left it on the ground when I stopped to give the poor woman the shilling. I had the distinct picture of putting the suitcase down and the handbag. Or where did I put the handbag? On the ground beside the suitcase, I suppose. It will be well gone by now. All me savings, everything I had, was in that bag.

  I sank down in the seat, feeling the colour drain out of me, and slipped me hand into me pocket, taking out me purse. Two shillings and ninepence left. That’s all the money I have left in the whole world to keep me going, I thought. Feeling a terrible weakness draining me. The woman would have picked that up. Now she might have fifteen pounds and the shilling I gave her.

  ‘Fares, please!’ I handed the conductor tuppence and took the ticket. Just as well I’m starting a new job. At least I won’t have to worry about eating and finding somewhere to sleep. Well, so that’s that then! I will just have to start saving all over again. It took me a whole year to save that money. I hardly spent any of me wages. Oh, well! Serves me right
for being so stupid. I’ll be more careful next time.

  I got off the bus and headed into a cul-de-sac with rows of modern houses all looking the same. The houses look like they were built by the Corporation! No, maybe not. These are private houses, but very cheap-looking. I heard that builders were now putting up all new houses for the people getting married. I hear and see mention of these things in the newspaper. But, then again, these are not very new-looking. So Missus Purcell is not really well-off. I thought teachers were well-paid.

  These houses look like the ones me ma and the Jackser fella live in, out in Finglas. I don’t think much of them, judging by the look of the pebble-dashing on the walls. Only maybe these are bigger than the houses out where me ma is. Jaysus, Martha! Yer getting very uppity with your ‘BIG HOUSES’ and ‘SMALL HOUSES’! You haven’t even got a cardboard box to live in, so look who’s talking! Still, you would think that a person who can afford to have someone live-in and do their housework for them would be well-off! Right, where’s number thirty-two?

  I looked from one side of the road to the other. Down further, over there, is seventeen. The even numbers are on this side. Thirty-two! I stopped for a minute, with me jaw hanging down to me belly, gaping at it. Oh, holy Jesus! The state of it. Me eyeballs nearly fell out a the back of me head staring. Seeing the dirty net curtains and the heavy ones were drawn halfway across the side, with the middle hanging down. Nobody has bothered to open them properly and stand up on a chair and fix the one pulled down. Jaysus! Look at the state of the garden. It’s full of holes, with rubbish blown in from the road. The garden looks like it has never seen a blade of grass. Not with all them holes in it, and the few tufts of grass are only weeds. I stared at the sweet wrappers and Tayto crisp bags lying around in the muddy garden. The mud was dragged all along the path. Right up to the front door. Jaysus! It’s plain to see they don’t look after this place.

  I rang the doorbell, seeing the shape of a woman through the foggy glass in the door. I could hear her big culchie voice talking on the telephone. ‘Just a minute, Katie. I hear someone at the door.’ The door was whipped open by a big aul one built like a bus, looking frostbitten in a long, well-worn aul brown overcoat with the buttons missing in the middle. Jaysus! That coat has definitely seen better days. I looked up at her with the big red culchie face and the mop of dyed-brown wiry permed hair that stood up on top of her head. The dye and the perm had grown out, and the grey was showing like mad.

  ‘Yes?’ she huffed, barely moving her lips to get the words out.

  ‘Eh . . .’ I said, hesitating, not liking the look of her.

  ‘What do you want?’ she barked, staring at me with her hungry-looking, muddy-green bloodshot eyes. I watched them narrowing. Taking me in from head to toe, sizing me up. Judging to see if I was what she wanted.

  ‘Are you Missus Purcell?’

  ‘Yes! Who are you? Are you the one the nuns sent me from the convent?’

  ‘Yes, mam, I’m the one,’ I said, acting the fool, annoyed at being insulted.

  ‘Come in,’ she said, whipping her head at me and aiming it down the hall. I stopped beside her, not knowing what she wanted. ‘Wait in there for me!’ she roared, throwing her hand and whipping her head again, pointing me down the hall. I looked, seeing a long narrow hall into what looked like a kitchen. I walked into a big kitchen that looked like two rooms made into one. With a window looking out onto a back garden and a stainless-steel sink underneath, overflowing with dirty dishes. The kitchen smelled of grease and dust and years of cooking. Dirty brown filth was covering the kitchen units, and the worktop was covered with more dirty dishes. A loaf of bread was cut and dumped without being covered on the bread board. I could see a half-bottle of milk turned sour, with lumps floating in it. It was left sitting and forgotten, down in the corner of the worktop. Opened packets of biscuits spilled out around the worktop and a packet of cheese was left sitting, ripped out of the packet and the rest left dumped to the open air, and all sorts of germs.

  Bleedin hell! It’s the fumigation man this aul one needs, not the likes of me, to come in and help her, I thought, throwing me head around the place. Taking in the crumbs and bits of food walked into the dirty brown, well-worn-out lino. Jaysus! The floor is maggoty dirty.

  The doors of the kitchen presses were left hanging open on the wall and the smell of the place would knock you out. The cooker had dirty pots stacked inside each other, and the frying pan was full of dirty brown grease. oh, my God! What have I walked meself into? I thought, looking at the kitchen table covered in dirty plates and dishes from the last night’s dinner. They didn’t even bother to clear the table, never mind do the washing up. Underneath the table was filthy. With bits of carrot and food dropped off the plates and walked into the floor. I could feel meself getting very annoyed and worried. This aul one is off her head. She’s bleedin filthy.

  I could see a packet of open margarine with the knife still plastered in butter thrown beside it, getting butter mashed into the table. I turned around, looking to the left at the rest of the room. An alcove with an ironing board was left standing, with the iron sitting on the floor, and a white shirt still waiting to be ironed. I stared at the yellow plastic laundry basket thrown in the corner, piled high with dirty washing. Some of it was spilling onto the floor. With even more dirty clothes piled in a heap, climbing the wall in the corner.

  That must be the dining area. It looked like it was two separate rooms at one time. But now they were all one. With the walls knocked out in the middle, making it the dining room one side and the kitchen all in one. It looked very bare, with no furniture. Except for the washing and the ironing board and a small dirty battered aul sofa with the springs sinking in the middle. It’s smothered now, with clean washing dumped all over it waiting to be ironed, and the middle has collapsed onto the floor.

  ‘What’s your name?’

  I whirled around, hearing the voice of a child, and stared into the white pasty face of a fat little girl wearing dispensary eye-glasses. Her brown-black hair was thick and wiry like the ma’s. It stood out on her head with no direction. Some bits were nearly cut to the scalp, chopped to nothing. Bloody hell! Someone got loose at that head with a knife and fork. She could be mistaken for a boy, it’s so short.

  ‘Martha. What’s yours?’

  ‘Grainne,’ she said, staring me up and down, then resting herself with her hands behind her back, leaning against the wall. ‘We had a girl called Brigid. Mammy had to get rid of her because Mammy says she was always telling lies!’

  ‘Is that right, now?’ I said, smiling at her.

  ‘You better not tell lies or Mammy will get rid of you, too. And you better not be lazy. Mammy hates girls who are lazy.’

  ‘Well, she won’t have to worry about me. I’m not lazy, and I don’t tell lies.’

  ‘Yes, but that’s what Brigid said, and she told lies and she was shocking lazy. So you better not be lazy!’ Grainne said. Staring me up and down, not believing a word I was telling her.

  Oh, Jaysus! I’m going to go mental in this place. Now I’ve gone and got meself stuck with a load of loonies. And not even a penny in me pocket! God, I want me savings back. How could you let me be so stupid? Me whole life fucking savings! I need them to get outa here. ‘Oh, fuck!’ I snorted again, this time muttering, not caring if the young one heard me. I feel like screaming at you, God! I’m telling you this, it will be a long time before you get any more penny candles outa me. I definitely bleedin mean that. I could have gotten meself inta this mess without you. So if this is your idea of helping me, then FUCK OFF! But if you weren’t helping me, I thought, worried I might be going too far at the idea of cursing God. I started to think about this then got meself all confused and I lost me rag again. Ah, fuck off with yourself, God! I don’t care. I just don’t know anything any more.

  I could feel meself beginning to go mad with the rage. I stopped and took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, thinking, right, it’s a job. I’m still
lucky! But I can’t seem to stop meself feeling the terrible loss of me money. Without that, I’m now trapped here. At the mercy of the lunatics living in this kip!

  I stood in the middle of the floor, waiting on the aul one, feeling me heart sinking, and an empty feeling of being lost inside meself. This place is cold and miserable. There’s no life here, and that aul one looks like she’s one very mean culchie aul cow. She’s definitely going to be looking for trouble. Well, I’ll just have to make the most of it. I’m stuck here until I can find something better. I won’t give her any excuse to get rid of me. I’ll just work hard and keep her satisfied.

  ‘So!’ she said, coming slowly into the room, watching me, and wrapping the coat around her to keep out the cold. Then she folded her arms and slowly let herself drop against the wall, crossing her ankles, and studied me. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Martha Long.’

  ‘What age are you?’

  ‘Sixteen.’

  ‘Hmm!’ she said, studying me, with her eyes narrowing, flicking up and down the length of me. Working out what I’m made of. I stared back, taking her in. She’s an aul one thinking I’m an eejit, just let out of a convent after being reared by nuns and I don’t know me arse from me elbow. She’s definitely going to milk me for all I’m worth. Well, maybe for the short while, missus, I promised meself. Yeah, it’s no wonder the other one left.

  ‘Did the nuns train you?’

  ‘Sorry? Train me in what?’

  ‘Domestic science!’

  ‘Science? Eh, what do you mean?’

  ‘I thought so,’ she said, looking at the young one and shaking her head, with a satisfied look on her face, and a sneer lifting her mouth. ‘Can you clean? Look after a house? Did they teach you to cook?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘What?’ she snapped, wrapping the coat tighter around her. ‘What did they teach you?’