Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed
Page 33
Right, now for me hot-water bottle, and a nice hot cup of tea and a cigarette. Then get to bed and read me book. I got nothing to eat, but I’m not bothered now. It’s too late. The miserable aul bastards. You wouldn’t treat a dog the way they carry on with me. Fuck them. They’re only an ignorant bunch of bastards. I managed to get through today. Maybe I will be out of here when I get me first week’s wages. Jaysus! I better find out about that. She never mentioned a word about how much she was going to pay me.
‘Come on, wake up!’ My head shot up from the pillow before I knew what was happening. ‘Out of the bed. Quickly. Move!’ I stared at the red face with the red eyes boring into me, trying to make out what was happening. Then I rubbed me eyes squinting, making out the shape of the aul one roaring at me to get up. ‘It’s ten to seven already. You were supposed to be up and out of that bed by half-past six!’ she roared, throwing her head to me with the rest of her already out the door. ‘UP! NOW! It’s late in the morning and we all have to be out of the house by eight o’clock!’ she roared like a bull, wrapping the aul granddad’s dressing gown tight around her neck from the freezing cold. ‘Get downstairs now and put on the porridge!’ she shouted back from the landing.
oh, Jaysus! Another day in this madhouse! I stretched, trying to get the stiffness out of me bones from the cold and the mattress sinking down in the middle. Then I whipped the two thin blankets back, threw meself out of the bed, diving into me clothes, and made me way down the stairs and into the kitchen.
I switched on the cooker and got a spoon to start stirring the Odlums porridge. She leaves it soaking overnight, so it won’t take too long to cook, she says. The aul one and aul fella like this for their breakfast and they make the big ones eat it, too. They hate it and go mad. Hmm, I wonder! Maybe I will put too much salt in by mistake. I hesitated, thinking about it. No, I don’t want to lose me job! Ah, go on. Fuck it! Just look stupid and play the eejit. I grabbed the packet of salt and dumped in half the packet. Maybe I should put in sugar as well. Yeah, good idea! Why not? It might sweeten them up after they get over the shock of the salt. I put in nearly the whole packet of sugar. I couldn’t stop me hand from pouring. Though I wanted to stop, me body kept going. Then I put the nearly empty packet in the bin.
Right, what’s next? The kettle for the tea. I filled it and put it on the cooker to boil and took down the bowls for the porridge. The aul ones like a boiled egg as well, so the big ones have the same. Right! I grabbed the eggs out of the fridge and put six in a pot. One for me when they’re gone. I learned me lesson after the first night when they wouldn’t feed me any dinner. So now I just help meself.
I set the table and turned off the porridge, all stuck to the end of the pot now. Jaysus! I better serve it quick then dump the pot under the water.
I could hear the roar up the stairs for the bathroom. ‘Come outa there this minute, Sinead! Your father is waiting to get in for a shave!’ I cocked me ear to listen. That’s the aul one!
Right, that’s the kettle boiled. I poured the boiled water into the pot with the eggs and put them on to boil. Then poured a drop of water into the teapot to heat it up. I learned that one from Sister Mercy in the convent. Mind you, it was the hard way after a couple of digs in the snot! I have to learn everything from scratch when it comes to anything other then cleaning. The ma never did anything. No, not even cooking. Anyway, if there was grub to cook, she didn’t know how to bleedin cook it. Pity about the convent, though. I might have learned something about the cooking there, if I hadn’t gotten meself barred straight away the first day I set foot in the kitchen. Right, stick on the grill for the toast.
I put four slices of bread under the grill and switched it on. I better not forget to watch that. Last time it all went up in smoke! The aul one said I was trying to burn the house down.
I could hear doors slamming and the thump of feet hammering down the stairs. ‘Hurry! Jesus, I’m late! Is the breakfast ready?’ The aul one came marching into the kitchen, throwing a dirty eye at me and one at the eggs hopping around like mad in the pot. ‘How long have these been on?’ she roared, grabbing the pot.
‘Not long, I just put them on now.’
‘Hmm, we all like them soft! I keep telling you that!’
‘Mammy, where’s me red polo-neck jumper? Is it washed?’ Sinead roared, rooting through the ironed stuff I’d left sitting there all nice and neat next to the rags still waiting for me to iron.
‘Sit down! Have your breakfast while it’s hot!’ shouted the mammy. ‘Oh, the grill is on fire!’ She whipped the grill tray down, with the toast smoking and turning black, and blew like mad to put out the little fire on one of the slices of bread. ‘Jesus Christ! Them blasted nuns churn out idiots!’ she roared, throwing an evil eye at me. I kept me head down, concentrating on washing out me burned pot with the porridge still stuck to the bottom.
‘Hurry up, everyone, if you want a lift into the city! The traffic is bad this morning,’ the aul fella moaned, rushing in smelling of Lifebuoy soap. That’s what they have in the bathroom. Then he planted himself at the top of the table and grabbed the spoon to start on the porridge. No one else touched theirs. The mammy looked at hers, seeing the bit of rusty colour from the burned bits sitting on top. Then the aul fella took one mighty spoonful, and halfway to his mouth he stopped. ‘Eat up that good food, you lot!’ he shouted, roaring the head off himself. ‘Come on, eat that porridge. It will keep you going for the rest of the day.’ Then he shovelled it into his mouth. I held me breath, waiting, and lowered me head into the sink to examine me pot. ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Jesuschristalmighty! Wha in hell is this?’
‘What? What’s wrong with yeh?’ shouted the mammy, looking at him and staring at his porridge.
‘Who made this?’ he shouted, slamming down the spoon. The mammy tasted it.
‘Aaahhh, it’s pure poison!’ she screamed, with her face turning all colours, and letting her tongue hang out of her mouth, trying to get rid of the porridge still sitting there. ‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS, YOU IMBECILE?’
‘Who, me?’ I said, putting me fist to me chest and pointing me finger at meself. ‘Nothin, missus! I did just as you asked.’
‘YOU DID NO SUCH THING!’
‘Why could yeh not have made the porridge yourself?’ shouted the daddy, with the eyes bulging out of his head and his nostrils flaring, making heavy breathing sounds, the rage killing him at the loss of his porridge.
‘Oh well, that’s it. Nobody can eat that,’ said Sinead, pushing the bowl away and smirking over at me. ‘I’ll just have the egg and a bit of toast. Any toast, Mammy?’
‘No! The fool burned that as well.’
‘You should get somebody in who can cook,’ said the aul fella, lathering margarine on the bread and making short work of the egg.
‘Is there any cheese, Mammy?’ said the young fella. ‘Hey, you! Get some cheese out of the fridge! I’m starving here.’
‘Did you hear him?’ the aul one shouted at me.
‘Who, me?’ I said, standing and staring, not moving meself.
‘Jesus Christ almighty! Do I have to do everything myself?’ she snorted, slamming back her chair and making for the fridge with her back bent and her head trailing the floor ready to land it in the fridge. ‘Here! Does anyone want that?’ she said, slamming a little box of cheese down on the table.
‘I hate cheese,’ moaned Grainne, lifting her shoulders under her neck and wrinkling her nose. ‘I want another egg. Is there any left, Mammy?’
‘How many did you cook?’ the aul one roared at me, then she leapt up and grabbed the pot with the egg left for me. ‘Here! Take that and hurry up! We are going to be late. I’m going to get my bag ready. The rest of you get a move on.’
‘You can all make your own way into the city,’ said the aul fella, looking at his watch and threatening them. Then he pushed back his chair and made out the door.
‘Mammy, what about me jumper?’ the Sinead one roared, blasting the ears off me as I came up behind her to
clear the table. ‘Listen you! Wash my jumper. It’s the red polo-neck. It has to be hand-washed. Don’t dare put it in the machine or it will shrink.’
‘Hey you,’ I said, as she made for the door. ‘I don’t know how to use the washing machine. I think your mother can look after the washing.’
‘Did you just be rude to me?’ she said, not hearing a word I said, just the ‘Hey, you’ bit. With the shock still hitting her, she just stared, waiting for my answer.
‘Rude? What do yeh mean?’
‘Don’t speak to me in that fashion, miss! You better learn your place or Mammy will have you out that door faster then you can think with that little feeble mind of yours!’
‘Nah,’ I said, shouting after her flying out the door. ‘It’s just a misunderstanding between you culchies and us Dubliners!’ She came to a standstill in the hall, listening, letting the words sink in, then came back in slowly.
‘What are you saying to me now?’ she said, cocking her ear to me and her head facing away, trying to make me afraid.
‘No, you culchies and us Dubliners speak differently. It’s not your fault. We know when you come up from the bog. You’re all confused when you hit the city because you’re not used to being around people that make fools of you. But not me! I always feel sorry for you poor culchies!’
‘MAMMY!’ she screamed, looking up at the ceiling. ‘That’s it! You’re gone!’ She took the stairs two at a time, roaring for the mammy. ‘That young one has just given me the most almighty cheek, Mammy! Get rid of her now. She’s worse then the last one. She’s trouble, Mammy. Mark my words, that one is nothing but trouble.’
‘Oh, what are you talking about at this hour of the morning? Get ready for college, if you don’t want to take the bus, Sinead. Leave that young one to me! That’s my place to deal with her. Now get moving, the lot of you.’
‘I’m off!’ shouted the aul fella, coming down the stairs.
‘Just a minute, Pat. I’m coming. Grainne, where are yeh? I am going to cut the legs off you, if you don’t get moving this minute.’
‘But, Mammy, I haven’t finished my homework yet,’ I could hear the young one moan.
‘It’s too late now! I told you yesterday evening you were to start on the homework straight after we get home from school. Every evening I tell you the same thing. But do you listen to a word I say? No, indeed you do not! Now you can just go in and tell Mrs Taylor she has my permission to cane the hands off you.’
‘Will you all come on? I’m giving the final warning!’ shouted the aul fella, coming back into the hall and shouting up the stairs. I heard the stampede of feet down the stairs, making the house rattle and shake. Even the windows shook with the noise across the ceiling, as everyone raced to get down the stairs.
‘Now, listen carefully,’ the aul one said, coming into the kitchen wearing a fawn three-quarter-length coat that wouldn’t button in the middle because she was too fat. ‘I want all that dirty washing over there . . .’ she said, pointing to the corner. I looked to see the big mountain she was talking about. ‘. . . in the washing machine and hanging out to dry on the clothesline this morning. Check to see when they are dry and take them in. There’s lovely drying weather,’ she said, looking out at the watery sun trying to make its way seen in the icy-cold morning. ‘Make all the beds, and you’ll find the hoover under the stairs in the press out there. Hoover all the bedrooms, the landing, the stairs and the sitting room. Clean out the fireplaces in the rooms upstairs and the sitting room. Then set them for this evening. You can start lighting them around four o’clock. The weather is turning even colder today so we need to get the heat going for everyone coming in. Bring down any dirty washing from the bedrooms, and put them with that pile over there and wash them. You can go out to the coal shed for the coal, the tin bucket is in there. When you’ve finished setting the fires, leave the bucket in the shed. You may have to make a few trips up and down. Oh, the bundle of sticks for lighting the fire is in there, too. Now, I have left all the potatoes and a head of cabbage sitting there in that low shelf for you to prepare.’ ‘What? I’m to peel the cabbage and put it in the pot?’
‘Yes,’ she said slowly, watching me. ‘Don’t be such a fool. You cut it up and wash it. Use the big pot. Peel the potatoes and cut them up. I want them mashed for tonight’s dinner. I’ll cook the chops when I get in. Now, have you got all that?’ she said, looking at me.
‘I’m gone!’ roared the aul fella, coming into the hall then out again, banging the door shut after him. We heard the car start up.
‘Wait! oh, that bloody man has no patience,’ she said to the wall as she flew out the door on her brown wedgie high heels.
‘Jaysus! Only a culchie would wear the likes a them,’ I sniffed. Watching her trying to hurry, hoping she would break her neck. I listened, hearing the muffled sound of the aul fella saying, ‘I’m gone! I’m tellin yeh now, I’m gone outa here!’
‘Whist! Stop yer aul carrying on!’ she barked, with the noise of the shouting coming from the rest of them. Then the car door slammed and they were off. The car took off at a great lick, and roared off down the road, making the engine sound like it was screaming for mercy. Then I heard the gears tearing, with the aul fella trying to get up speed. The noise carried until they were halfway out of the estate, then they were gone. Taking the noise and confusion and madness with them. Leaving me with only the peace and quiet behind. I let out me breath in a long sigh, not realising I was forgetting to breathe.
That’s better, I thought, looking around at the filthy mess of the kitchen. Now, what’s first? My breakfast. Feed meself! I’ll have toast, for a start. I looked in the bread bin. Nothing! There’s nothing bloody left! Not even a crust left on the table. Fuck! I opened the fridge, seeing a half-opened packet of margarine. That’s it. Empty! Bare! I looked in the little pot, knowing there would be nothing there either. Grainne got the last egg. Mine! That makes two the little fucker got. No wonder she’s so fat. Jaysus! There isn’t a scrap left to eat. The no-good hungry miserable shower a red-neck bleedin culchies! They left me nothing! Right, that’s it. Tomorrow’s Friday. I get me first week’s wages, then that’s it! I’m taking off out of here as fast as me arse will move me.
I snorted in disgust, not able to get over it. The meanness a them culchies! OK, at least I can have a cup of tea, I thought, eyeing the milk bottle with the drop of milk left sitting in the bottom. I puffed me cigarette, trying to blow out rings. How do they do that? I wondered, trying to amuse meself.
Right, I better get going. Now, where will I start first? Kitchen, bedrooms, washing machine? I hope that thing is easy to work, I thought, throwing me eye over at the washing machine sitting at the end of the worktop. Go on, have a go now. Get the clothes washing then start on the kitchen.
Right! Now, I wonder how you work it, I thought, examining it from top to bottom. Lift off the lid. Ah, there’s the knobs. And you put the clothes in this drum thing. Right, that looks easy enough. This is really the first time in me life I ever got a look at one. I barely ever set foot in the laundry if I could help it. Not unless Sister Eleanor was there. Then we were all herded in on a Monday to help with the pressing of the sheets. Two of us stood at each end, three girls and one nun to supervise us. That was always Sister Eleanor. She would feed the sheets in under the roller, and guide them through the huge mangle, and we would catch them coming out the other end while sister slammed her foot up and down like mad on the long thick running board to get it going. That was great gas! Eleanor would turn all colours from the heat, tearing like mad at the white collar around her neck and dripping with the sweat in her long heavy black habit while the lot of us got covered in steam from the wet sheets. But we didn’t have washing machines like this. Only huge things that I kept well away from. I had enough to be doing with me own work, but I always liked to help Sister Eleanor. Yeah, I would do anything for a bit of attention. Hmm, I was only a kid then. Nowadays I demand me weight in gold! No more paying for a smidgen of at
tention with the sweat off me brow. No, getting attention and a bit of praise won’t put a roof over my head or food in me belly. Yeah, and neither will working in this godforsaken dump! Jaysus, if I stayed here any length of time, I’d end up looking like a skeleton! Right, keep moving.
I rushed over, grabbing up a pile of washing from the corner, and dumped the lot on top of the already full plastic washing basket, carrying the lot over to the machine. Right! I picked up handfuls, dropping them down inside the machine and kept going until it was full. I looked from the machine to the basket. Damn! I still have loads left. It won’t all fit in. She wants it all done in a hurry! Right! I squeezed like mad, pushing and packing them as hard as I could. Then I spotted the red polo-neck belonging to Sinead. I better put that in, too! She wants that in a hurry, otherwise there will be ructions. She will only have a blue fit if I don’t get it washed. I squeezed it in, pushing like mad until it was well down on the inside. I wanted to make sure it got a good wash because the stuff was all piled high on the top, bursting out and now I will have to squeeze the lid down to get it all in.
Jaysus! The bleedin lid won’t close. Now what am I going to do? I stared at it, thinking. Then I had an idea. I got a chair and stood up on it and sat on the lid to make it go down. It still won’t go down. Right! I bounced up and down for all I was worth until I felt a dinge coming in the middle. Fuck! I lifted the lid and gave it a good bang and it popped back into shape again. Grand! At last.
Now, what do you do next? Powder! I need washing powder. Right, I know where that is. Under the sink. Perfect. Omo washing powder. Jaysus! I have to lift the lid again! Hmm, I need to get the powder down in the middle of the wash. Right, here we go again. I dumped out half the clothes and emptied half the packet in. I don’t suppose you use the whole packet. No, I might need that for another wash. Right, got them all in at last. Now twist the knob to get it going. Right, that’s that done. I’m now flying with the washing. What’s next?