Excalibur

by Colin Thompson

  ‘Are they go to steal this handle on the inside of the door?’ said Scraper, ‘or the one on the outside.’

  ‘Both.’

  ‘Can I have an assistant then?’

  ‘No, just leave the door half-open so you can watch both handles at once,’ said the Princess.

  Brat and Princess Floridian climbed onto Bloat’s back and followed Fissure out of the window. They flew down through the dark night towards the lake where the two fires twinkled like a pair of eyes.

  ‘Which one’s got the sword?’ Princess Floridian shouted.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Fissure called back.

  He hovered in the air until Bloat caught up with him.

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ said the Princess.

  ‘No one knows,’ said the young vampire, ‘but there’s only two to choose from. If it’s not one, it’ll be the other.’

  He landed by the nearest fire while the Princess told Bloat to land on the other island fifty metres away. The islands were identical down to the last blade of grass so there was no way of knowing which one held the true Excalibur.

  ‘This has all been too easy,’ she said. ‘I think it could be a trap.’

  Naturally, as soon as the flowers had been spotted, Sir Lancelot had hidden soldiers on the two islands. They now emerged from the darkness and threw a large net over the arrivals, making it impossible for the young dragon to fly off.

  ‘So this is the right island then,’ said Princess Floridian.

  ‘Not necessarily,’ said Sir Lancelot, stepping forward and drawing his sword. ‘The young vampire was telling the truth when he said no one knows which of the twin islands holds the true Excalibur.’

  ‘Are you the great Sir Lancelot?’ said Princess Floridian.

  ‘I am indeed.’

  ‘Oh praise be,’ said the Princess, falling off Bloat’s back in a faint. ‘Good knight, I have been grossly mistreated, kidnapped and dragged away from my beloved father by this evil boy and his dragon. If you will slay them and rescue me, I am sure my father will reward you handsomely and, dare I say it, give you my hand in marriage.’

  ‘Is that so, my lady?’

  ‘It is indeed, oh great and noble knight.’

  Princess Floridian grabbed a handful of mud and, turning away, rubbed it into her hair and all over her face.

  ‘Can you not see, my lord, how I have been maltreated?’ the Princess continued. ‘I have been thrown in mud and covered in dragon’s spit and had nasty pointy bits of grass poked up my pert yet dainty nose.’

  ‘Well, well,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘We can’t have your legendary beauty all muddy and bespoiled, can we?’

  He beckoned two soldiers who pulled Princess Floridian out from the net and threw her in the lake. The soldiers were seasoned campaigners. They had travelled the world serving the great Sir Lancelot on his quests, crusades and adventures. They had seen it all and they had heard it all. Yet that night they learned seventeen new swear words that outdid the greatest obscenities they had ever heard. The words were made all the more shocking as they came from the mouth of a Princess so beautiful that one would hardly imagine butter melting there.

  But in Princess Floridian’s mouth butter would not merely melt, it would turn rancid, boil and froth and be spat out as scalding acid.

  ‘You think, my child, that you and your little friends were unobserved?’ said Merlin, emerging from the shadows. ‘We have seen your every move.’

  ‘You will all die, you vile [insert seventeen of your favourite disgusting swearwords here] scum!’ the Princess screamed. ‘When I claim Excalibur I will shred you into human coleslaw.’

  ‘Claim? Claim?’ said Merlin. ‘You think you are the rightful owner of the enchanted sword?’

  ‘Of course I am, moron. Do you think my kidnapping and all that which has brought me here was just an accident?’

  ‘No, no accident,’ said the wizard. ‘More of a series of clumsy, stupid mistakes.’

  ‘I will prove it,’ sneered the Princess. ‘I will pull the sword from the stone.’

  ‘Well, yes indeed,’ said Merlin. ‘That would prove it beyond doubt.’

  Before she could climb out of the lake, there was an enormous commotion behind her. The water thrashed about in a wild frenzy, bringing whatever was causing the thrashing closer and closer until it was barely thirty feet away.

  ‘The Great Olm has decided your fate, my dear,’ said Merlin.

  Sir Lancelot and the two soldiers ran towards the water’s edge. Merlin held up his hands to stop them. Lightning sprang from his fingertips and shot up into the clouds. A look of sheer terror came into Princess Floridian’s eyes. The screaming, angry she-devil was transformed back into a little girl. Brat and Bloat struggled to get out of the net, but only succeeded in tangling themselves up more. Bloat’s fire-breathing was rubbish at the best of times and not only that, the net was made of asbestos which is fireproof. Brat was not fireproof and got a few nasty burns.

  ‘Do not enter the water,’ said Merlin to Sir Lancelot. ‘The Enchanted Lake has spoken and must not be questioned.’

  ‘I didn’t know the lake was enchanted,’ said Morgan le Fey.

  ‘Oh yes, my lady. It overflows with enchantosity,’ said the wizard. ‘The very water itself is alive.’

  ‘Actually, it isn’t,’ he whispered, ‘I’m just screwing around with the Princess’s mind.’

  ‘But won’t the olms get her?’

  ‘I think you will see that it is not an olm that approaches,’ said Merlin. ‘Olms are terrified of midsummer’s eve and stay hidden in the depths until it has passed.’

  He was right. The splashing got closer and more chaotic and a huge blunt head emerged from the water.

  ‘I will save you, my lady,’ it shouted.

  It was Scraper.

  He picked up the Princess and waded ashore.

  ‘DROP IT!’ Merlin shouted.

  The wet, scared, but still angry and defiant Princess Floridian fell on the grass, muttering and cursing.

  ‘Right, your highness, there is the stone. There is the mighty sword which may or may not be Excalibur,’ said Merlin. ‘Claim your birthright.’

  ‘You will so regret this, you stupid old fool,’ sneered Princess Floridian.

  She got to her feet, walked over the sword and, taking the hilt in both hands, pulled as hard as she could.

  Nothing happened.

  ‘It seems to be stuck,’ she said. ‘It’s probably gone rusty with sitting here so long.’

  ‘It is rust-proof, my lady,’ said Merlin, ‘made of the finest stainless steel.’

  ‘Well, it’s stuck,’ said the Princess, going red in the face.

  ‘I think that proves that you are not the chosen one,’ said Sir Lancelot.

  ‘Don’t be stupid, of course I am. I need an unguent to free the blade. I need a vial of Ye WD42.’51

  ‘It will make no difference, my lady.’

  Scraper took hold of the great sword’s hilt and pulled with all his might.

  Slowly the great sword lift ed into the air.

  The trouble was, so did the huge rock it was trapped in. Scraper held it above his head and was about to speak when his arms gave way and the three-ton rock flattened him and his beloved bucket. His mouth, still open wide, did not utter a sound on account of him being overcome with dead.

  Princess Floridian stood rooted to the spot. The rock had missed her by inches. She reached out and touched the hilt of the sword, but it didn’t move.

  ‘That went well, I thought,’ said Merlin, unable to hide a grin.

  ‘One more test,’ he added. ‘Fetch the evil boy. Let him try. If he is the true King, the sword will come free, and if this is the true sword we shall fall at his feet. If it does come free and it is not the true sword we will not fall at his feet. Instead we will clear up the bits.’

  Brat was hauled out of the net and led to the sword. He had heard rumours that pulling the fake Excalibur would lead the puller to a
fate worse than death52 and was scared.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ he said.

  ‘But I thought you said you were the one true King of Camelot,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘Pull Excalibur from the stone and prove it. Succeed and we shall acknowledge you as our supreme leader, knowing that you were right all along.’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ he said. ‘I’ve decided I don’t want to be King anymore.’

  ‘So you would rather go back to the kitchens, would you?’

  ‘I, er…’

  ‘I am sure the Cook would be delighted to see you,’ Morgan le Fey laughed.

  ‘No, but, I mean, I…’ said Brat and he fell on his knees.

  ‘You’re pathetic,’ sneered Princess Floridian.

  She grabbed the scruff of the boy’s neck, hauled him to his feet and wrapped his arms round the sword.

  ‘Pull, you little scumbag.’

  Brat tried to push, but the Princess, who was stronger than he was, wrapped her hands over his and pulled.

  The Princess thought she could feel the sword begin to move. It was the slightest tremor, but there definitely was something. She pulled harder and the movement grew stronger, but it was not the sword leaving the stone. It was the ground beneath their feet.

  The Princess let go of Brat’s hands and leapt back.

  The ground opened and swallowed Brat. Revolting noises came from the hole, along with smoke and a terrible smell of burnt rags and sulphur.

  Obviously this was not the true Excalibur.

  The ground shook again and what can only be described as a really sticky phlegm-filled cough came out of the centre of the earth, followed by a slightly toasted small boy.

  Then the ground closed again.

  ‘Way to go, Mother Nature,’ said Morgan le Fey.

  Brat, who was naked apart from a thin coating of soot, lay curled up in the grass smoking53 and whimpering.

  ‘Well, well, the fearless warrior who will take over the world has returned from the very centre of the earth,’ said Morgan le Fey, rolling him over with her foot.

  Everyone except Princess Floridian fell about laughing. Brat’s humiliation was complete. The Princess helped him to his feet. It wasn’t that she felt sorry for him or even liked him, but the two of them were seen by everyone as two parts of the same pathetic rebellion, so his defeat reflected on her too. Though, being the selfish, resourceful girl she was, she was sure she would be able to turn the situation to her advantage.

  Meanwhile, on the other island, King Arthur and the rest of the soldiers waited for news. No one knew what might happen if someone pulled out the wrong sword. There were all the rumours, of course, hundreds of them. The most popular were:

  • Nothing.

  • Whoever was holding the sword would be turned into:

  A plate of pickled herrings.

  An incomplete collection of Belgian postage stamps.54

  Tartan socks.55

  A small jellyfish wearing ballet shoes.

  A chimney.

  Four metres of pink taffeta.

  • The entire world would tip up a bit which, considering everyone thought the world was flat in those days, would mean most of the seas would fall off. There would be a lot of fish to eat for a while, but all the whales would be floating around in space and might come crashing to earth at any time.56

  • Tears before bedtime.

  • Something else.

  • Tears during and after bedtime too.

  • It’s not my turn to do the washing up.57

  The young King stared at the sword in the stone and it was all he could do to stop himself grabbing hold of it. His fingers twitched. The anticipation was killing him. He began to walk over to the stone.

  ‘Sire, I know what you are thinking,’ said Lancebit, Sir Lancelot’s second in command, 58 placing himself between Arthur and the maybe sword. ‘I would be tempted too, but please, sire, I beg of you, do not touch the sword until we get news. If you never own the true sword, you will still be the greatest King Camelot has ever had.’

  He ordered his men to form a circle around the rock, though everyone knew that if the King did decide to go for the sword, no one would dare stop him.

  ‘We do not have long to wait, sire,’ said the general. ‘I think I hear a boat approaching from the other island.’

  ‘I thought this was the other island,’ said King Arthur.

  ‘Yes, but only if you are on the other island, sire. To us this is the island and the other island is the other island.’

  ‘Right.’

  The boat arrived, bringing everyone from the island that was not the one King Arthur was on.

  ‘This is the true stone,’ said Merlin. ‘Your majesty, your destiny awaits you. You may claim Excalibur.’

  One of the soldiers, who always carried a drum for special occasions, beat out a great drum roll as the young King, who no one doubted was the actual one and only true King of Avalon,59 approached the sword.

  He grasped the hilt in his light hands and pulled.

  The crowd waited in silence and then…

  Nothing happened.

  ‘Just kidding,’ Arthur laughed and the sword slid free. ‘Phew,’ said everyone.

  They breathed a huge collective sigh of relief followed by a great cheer.

  Then everyone fell silent and looked at the King.

  It is at moments like these that the whole world is filled with love and forgiveness. Brat, seeing his opportunity to save his skin, fell at the King’s feet.

  ‘Oh sire,’ he whined, ‘I have been a vain and selfish boy. I have caused disarray and unhappiness, but now I see the error of my ways and wish to serve you.’

  King Arthur, full of wisdom and nobility way beyond his young years, looked down at the pathetic figure grovelling before him. The boy, still naked apart from his coating of soot and a pink sock Princess Floridian had given him, reminded Arthur of how he himself had looked not so many weeks before when he had been a kitchen boy and Brat had been the King. Now the wretched child was barely distinguishable from the mud in which he slithered around.60

  ‘I will devote the rest of my life to your great majestiness and stand at your side ready to vanquish anyone who should threaten you,’ Brat snivelled.

  Then everyone fell even more silent and looked at the King some more.

  Arthur lowered Excalibur to the ground and looked down at Brat. An extremely regal light came into his wonderful blue eyes.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ he said. ‘Take him back to the kitchens.’

  Everyone breathed a second collective sigh of relief followed by a great cheer.

  ‘Oh, and this time,’ King Arthur continued, ‘put some leg irons on him.’

  Then it was Princess Floridian’s turn to grovel.

  ‘Oh great and wise King,’ she began, ‘your decision shows the true wonderfulosity of your cleverness and wisefulness. I thank you for punishing my kidnapper, the evil boy who snatched me away from the arms of my beloved father and forced me into a life of highwaypersonness and not washing. My great and wonderful father, who loves me more than life itself, will reward you with great rewardy stuff. He will probably give you my hand in marriage too and happy would I be were he to do so, to be the wife of such a wise and handsome living god.’

  King Kasterwheel, who had been standing in the shadows since arriving on the island, now came forward. His daughter had no idea he knew she had killed her mother so his reaction was totally not what she had been expecting.

  ‘Actually, I will not pay any reward to get you back,’ said King Kasterwheel. ‘Though I’d be only too happy to reward my young friend King Arthur if he will keep you here. I’m sure the leg irons he gave the nasty little boy will not be the only pair in Camelot. And as for marriage, I will indeed give you to be someone’s bride, but only on one condition.’

  ‘Oh father, anything to regain your love,’ Princess Floridian lied. ‘What is the condition? Just tell me and I will agree.’

  ‘Agre
eing has nothing to do with it. You have no choice in the matter,’ said King Kasterwheel. ‘The condition is that you are going to become the bride of your ally, the vile kitchen boy. Of course, neither of you are old enough to get married yet, so I suggest you are both sent to the castle kitchens to scrub the floors until you are.’

  ‘Mrs Floridian Brat,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘What a lovely name.’

  ‘Indeed,’ said King Kasterwheel. ‘And I hereby disinherit you and take back your title of Princess. You may keep your pink socks.’

  ‘Oh father,’ Princess Floridian cried. ‘I see it now. You are merely playing with my emotions to tease me. Obviously you are not serious.’

  ‘Why do you say that, daughter?’ said the King.

  ‘The idea of making me, a royal Princess of the purest regal-type blood, marry a lowly peasant, is obviously a joke. No loving father would ever dream of such a thing.’

  ‘Well, you see the thing is,’ said King Kasterwheel, ‘I am not a loving father. I am an old fool who has been taken in by his nasty daughter for far too long. I know what you did to your mother. The old clown confessed it all before he died. So yes, you are right, I would never dream of such a thing for I am not dreaming. I am wide awake. You are henceforth betrothed to the kitchen boy and may he beat you every day and dress you in cabbage leaves and give you fifteen nasty, whining little children with terrible skin conditions and noses that will never stop running.’

  There was a slight pause followed by a great cheer. Justice had been done in a just and fitting way.

  Or had it?

  Merlin wondered about the wisdom of joining the two evil beings together, especially having them live in Camelot itself.

  It could end in tears, he thought. The joining together with chains is good. The joining together in marriage, maybe not so great.

  As everyone got back into the two boats to go back to the castle, a single pathetic voice drift ed across the water.

  ‘Hello,’ it cried. ‘Is there anyone there?’

  ‘Did you hear something?’ said Morgan le Fey as they rowed away.

  ‘Do you mean a weak little voice saying, “Hello, is there anyone there?”’ said King Arthur.