The Thief Who Stole Midnight

by Christiana Miller

  The next member of the family was Tony, Mike's brother. Tony was a perpetually stoned, always-in-a-happy-mood surfer. Before the wedding started, he was talking about how rad it would be if he could get holy water for his bong. Honestly, I don't know if I should even count him, because I'm not sure he even remembers he was there.

  Mike's sister, Laurie, was the most traditional person in the family. She's a lesbian, and she was there with her wife and their three kids. A nice, normal family unit. Although, ironically, they're the ones who scandalized Maddie's family the most. I think this was Taki and Irini's first time getting face-to-face with same-sex marriage. Maddie's family is much more a "don't tell us and we don't have to know" type of family than one who really gets into the nitty-gritty of the bedroom. Unless it's Maddie's bedroom.

  Maddie told me that before she walked down the aisle, Irini sat her down and gave her a long list of what she's never supposed to do in a bedroom, no matter how much the man asks for it. She let her know, in no uncertain terms, that sex is for procreation, not enjoyment. And that divorce is for Americans, not Greeks. If Maddie was determined to do this thing, to marry this outsider, then she would be stuck for life.

  I have to say, I was starting to understand why Maddie was an only child.

  Anyway, back to Mike's family. The last member of Mike's family was his Granny Ruby. Ruby was a born-again Wiccan, and she was there in full regalia. This was one woman who knew how to turn her name into a fashion statement. She was wearing an eye-catching, ruby-colored, sequin-covered gothic gown and matching wine-colored cloak with a spiral-designed rhinestone pattern on the back. And to top it all off, she was blinged-out with triple-spirals, pentacles and Celtic crosses. I practically needed sunglasses to look at her.

  Throughout the reception, my job was to keep Mike's family members as far away as possible from Maddie's more traditional family. And, as far as I can tell, that has remained Mike's continued agenda throughout their marriage.

  Anyway, so there they were, walking along, thinking that the weirdest part of the night was behind them. Ha! Little did they know.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The snow was coming down heavier by the time Mike and Maddie arrived at the old brownstone building that they called home.

  They walked into the foyer and Mike looked at his watch while Maddie dug through her purse for the keys.

  "You said nine, right?" Mike asked.

  Maddie nodded.

  "It's eight now." Mike raised an eyebrow at her and tried his best leer. "We have an hour."

  But Maddie was so focused on finding the keys, she totally missed his implication. "I know. They're going to be here before we know it. Good thing I already vacuumed this morning."

  "No, you're not getting it." He moved closer, took her face in his hands and waggled his eyebrows up and down. "We have an hour. Alone. Together. For the first time in three months."

  Maddie burst out laughing. "We have a party to get ready for..." But her laughter quickly turned to a gasp as he nuzzled her neck.

  "I can be quick," he whispered, his breath tickling her ear.

  She gasped again, as he slid off her coat, his lips moving to an erotic spot on her collarbone, one she had forgotten even existed.

  "How quick?" Maddie asked, her breath coming faster.

  "If ripping your clothes off counts as foreplay, a minute and a half," he said.

  She threw her arms around him, kissing him. "Let's be completely irresponsible and go for ten."

  As they kissed -- more passionately than they had in months -- totally lost in the emotion, their bodies pushed against the door to their condo. But instead of holding firm, the door swung open, dropping them both on the floor.

  "What the hell...?" Maddie turned and looked at the apartment.

  Everything they owned had been trashed. Drawers had been pulled out of cabinets, their contents dumped onto the floor. Half their stuff seemed to be missing. Chairs and tables were overturned. Their apartment had been utterly, completely, nightmarishly ransacked.

  Mike looked around and gulped. "Maddie, tell me you threw a diva-sized temper tantrum when you couldn't zip up your fat jeans."

  "Seriously? My fat jeans? I've just had your baby and you're criticizing my thighs?!" Maddie snapped. "We've been robbed. You really think this is the time to be making fat jokes?"

  "I'm not making jokes, I'm in denial." Mike said, his chin jutting out.

  Maddie sighed. Well, that was true enough. Mike did have a habit of cracking jokes when he got nervous. On the day of their wedding, Maddie didn't know if she was getting married or if she was the straight man in a stand-up routine.

  "What if the burglar is still here?" Maddie asked.

  They cautiously looked around the living room, but they didn't see anyone.

  "What should we do?" Mike asked. "Should we leave?"

  "I don't know. You're the guy," Maddie hissed. "Isn't this supposed to be your forte?"

  "Hello, pacifist here. Remember?" Mike whispered back.

  Maddie sighed. She loved that Mike wasn't a brawler, but there were times when being married to Rambo would be a little more useful.

  "We should call the cops." Maddie said. She flipped open her cell phone, dialed 9-1-1, but before the call went through, the battery died. "Damn it, Mike. You used up my battery taking pictures."

  "If you'd let me upgrade you out of that dinosaur of yours, you'd have plenty of battery," he said.

  "Fine. Why don't you call? Oh, wait a minute. That's right. Your big, new smart phone battery is dead too." Maddie snapped.

  "At least it died taking video," Mike muttered.

  Across the room, Maddie could see the living room phone, laying on its side. She got up and ran for it, but Mike brought her down in a flying tackle. She kicked at his chest, trying to get him off of her.

  "Ow! Stop it!" he said. "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't go running into the apartment like that. What if the burglar's still here? What if he hears you?" He asked, pulling her back. "Ow! Stop kicking me!"

  "I'm calling the cops," Maddie said, stretching to grab the phone. "Get off me."

  Her fingers stretched and she just managed to grab the receiver, before he dragged her as close to the front door as the phone cord could stretch.

  "Fine. Call from here. In case we need to make a run for it," Mike said, panting, using his body to pin her down.

  "I thought you were a pacifist," Maddie grunted, as she elbowed him to try to get more breathing room.

  "I am," Mike said. "But I'm also a protective husband. And right now, I'm protecting you from yourself."

  Maddie raised an eyebrow at that, but she made the call.

  "All circuits are busy now. Please try your call again later," said the automated voice on the other end of the phone line.

  "Well that's not helpful."

  "No wonder crime is so freaking high in Chicago." Maddie said, glaring at the phone.

  As Mike shifted his weight, the receiver accidentally slipped out of her grasp and shot back into the living room, crashing against the media center and cracking the glass-fronted cabinet door.

  Maddie gasped in alarm. Mike quickly pulled her all the way out into the hallway, and the two of them listened intently.

  "That should have gotten the burglar's attention." Maddie whispered. "If he's still here."

  "I don't hear anything," Mike said. "Do you hear anything?"

  Maddie shook her head. "So that means he's probably gone. Right?"

  Mike shrugged his shoulders, uncertain. Then he stuck his head back into the apartment and hollered out. "Hello? Mr. Burglar? If you're still here, give us a sign. We don't want to intrude."

  "But we have a highly trained attack dog with us and we're not afraid to use him!" Maddie yelled from behind Mike.

  Nothing but silence.

  The two of them looked at each other, then back at the apartment.

  "Speaking of our highly trained attack dog, where is he?" Maddi
e asked.

  Mike started whistling, softly. "Apollo, where are you, boy?"

  "Apollo! Come here, boy. Wanna go outside for a walk?" Maddie asked.

  Apollo, a big, red Doberman, wiggled out from his hiding spot under the couch and wagged his tail. Then he ran over to them, whined, and let out a string of farts.

  Maddie coughed and tried to wave away the stink. "Great. He's doing a bang-up job of defending the couch." Maddie choked out, pulling the neck of her sweater up over her mouth and nose.

  Mike started laughing -- until the smell wafted over to him. He made a face and hid his nose behind his hand. "Oh, man, that's just lethal. Jeez, Apollo."

  Apollo looked at them with his big, expressive eyes, and then slunk back under the couch.

  Maddie was just about to go into the apartment, when Mike grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

  "Where are you going?" he hissed.

  "I'm tired of standing in the hall. Besides, I have to use the bathroom."

  "What if the burglar's still in there?!" Mike asked, gesturing with his head.

  "I hope he is," Maddie said. "I'm gonna kick his ass and get our stuff back." She was getting angrier by the minute. "This is the new millennium, buddy. Robbers beware."

  As she tried to move forward, Mike pulled her out of the apartment doorway so hard, he lifted her feet off the floor.

  "Hey! Let go of me!" Maddie said, kicking and flailing.

  "Ow! When did you turn into G.I. Jane?" Mike grunted, moving his legs out of the way and adjusting his arms for a tighter grip.

  "I am not going to let some sleazoid get away with everything we own." Maddie said.

  She elbowed Mike in the solar plexus and he finally dropped her.

  "If you don't do something, I will," Maddie said, holding his gaze in an old-fashioned stare-down.

  Now, you may think by this time, they were both yelling, but they were doing what all married couples with kids have perfected -- fighting in whispers.

  Mike finally hung his head, defeated. "Fine. Never let it be said that I stood by and let the mother of my child defend my home. I'll go in there." He bent down and took off his shoe. "If I'm not back in thirty seconds, I want you to take Apollo and run," he said, brandishing his shoe like a club.

  "That's your plan? You're going to suffocate him with your Dr. Scholl's?" Maddie opened up her over-sized shoulder bag, rooted around and pulled out a giant metal hair spray canister.

  "What is that doing in your purse? Do you know how bad hair spray is for the environment?" Mike said. "The chlorofluorocarbon emissions alone--"

  "Mike, just shut up and take it!"

  "What for?"

  "So you can coif his hair. What do you think, what for? It's a full can. It'll hurt a hell of a lot more than your shoe. Do you have a lighter?"

  "So I can give him a flaming coif? Are you out of your mind? What world do you live in?"

  "I'm just trying to be proactive." Maddie snapped.

  "Proactive? You're turning into Tony Soprano. You really need to cut down on your Netflix watching."

  "Are you going or not?"

  "I'm getting there! Don't rush me." Mike took a deep breath to center himself. Then he stopped and turned to Maddie. "Let's call the cops again."

  "With what phone?" Maddie asked. "The one in the living room or the one in the kitchen? We're still going to need to go into the apartment."

  "You have a point. Think anyone's home upstairs?"

  Maddie climbed the stairs to the neighboring condo unit and pounded on the door. No answer. She came back downstairs and shook her head. "It's New Year's Eve. They're probably at a party."

  Mike took another deep breath. "If I don't come back, promise to show the baby my picture."

  "Every day," Maddie said.

  "And Apollo."

  "He's a dog."

  "I know. But he'll get jealous. I don't want him to feel left out, just because we have a human baby."

  Maddie sighed. As much as she loved Mike, the man was never going to budge from the hallway. "Do you want me to go? I'm sure it'll be fine. With all the noise we've been making, he's probably long gone by now." Maddie said, turning back to the apartment door.

  "Step back, woman." Mike said, stepping in front of her and blocking her way. "There's no need to get pushy. I'll go."

  He paused and looked at the living room.

  "We'll have to go in, sooner or later," Maddie said, nudging him. "We need to get this place cleaned up before my mother gets here."

  "I think we're supposed to leave it as is, so the cops can see it." Mike said.

  "Who are you more afraid of?" Maddie snapped. "The cops or my mother?"

  Brandishing the hairspray can like a club, Mike crept into the apartment. Maddie followed a few steps behind him.

  Slowly, they tiptoed through the living room, Mike with his deadly can of hairspray and Maddie at his back, checking for hidden burglars…

  Empty.

  Then they checked the closet…

  Empty.

  And the bathroom…

  Empty.

  As they were about to go through the kitchen door, there was a loud gurgling noise from the bedroom, followed by a repetitive, staccato spray of sound.

  Mike and Maddie both froze and looked at each other.

  CHAPTER SIX

  "Bedroom," Mike mouthed at Maddie, pointing at the closed bedroom door.

  "No kidding," she whispered back.

  There was another burst of staccato noise, followed by a choking sound, from behind the door.

  "Do you think he's okay?" Mike asked.

  "Are you kidding me?" Maddie said, narrowing her eyes.

  "It sounds like he's choking on something. What if he needs CPR? What if he dies? The cops will never believe us if we tell them we found a burglar in our house and he just happened to be dead."

  "What if he's in there killing someone?" Maddie pointed out.

  Mike looked at her, uncertain.

  "He burgled us," Maddie said, frustrated. "Even if he is choking, I think we're allowed to let him die."

  Mike gave her a look and listened as hard as he could. "I don't think he's killing anyone. I don't hear a struggle or anyone yelling for help," he said. Then he tightened his grip on the can. "Okay, I'm going in."

  Maddie dragged Apollo out from under the couch, just in case, and pulled him close to her. Not that Apollo would actually do anything, but maybe he'd be a psychological impediment to keep the burglar in line. Even if he hadn't been much of one so far.

  In a tight little group, they crept closer to the bedroom...

  Step by step…

  Mike carefully opened the bedroom door and jumped in, can at the ready, just as a powerful roar ripped through the room.

  Mike instinctively stepped back and immediately pitched backwards over Apollo, who was hiding behind his legs.

  "Ow!" He yelled, as he cracked his own head with the hairspray can. "Goddamn dog!"

  "Language," Maddie said, covering the dog's ears with one hand and closing the bedroom door with the other.

  Mike pressed his hand against his forehead, which stung like hell. "I'm bleeding," he said, showing her before wiping his hand off on his jeans.

  "It's shallow. Stop rubbing it and it'll clot up."

  "Gee, thanks for the sympathy. Remind me to call someone else if I'm ever dying." Mike grumbled.

  "I'm sorry, honey. I'm just a little freaked." Maddie said. "Are you okay?"

  "No." Mike looked up at her from the floor, closing and opening each eye. Good. There was only one of her standing there. "My head hurts, there's a burglar ransacking our bedroom with a chainsaw and our condo's been trashed."

  "Actually, the burglar's asleep," Maddie said, glancing up at the closed bedroom door. "That was him snoring."

  "Are you kidding me?" Mike asked.

  She shook her head.

  Mike stood up, clutching his head, and opened the door.

  Sure enough, there
was a medium-built guy, dressed in black and wearing a black ski mask, passed flat out on their bed and snoring loud enough to shake the furniture.

  As Mike walked closer to him, the burglar would get absolutely quiet for a few minutes, then the silence would be broken by a weird choking noise, followed by intense snoring. Then he mumbled and turned on his side. Miraculously, the snoring stopped.

  Mike and Maddie froze, waiting to see if he was going to wake up or not. When he stayed asleep, Mike inched closer. Curled up on his side like that, the burglar seemed kind of harmless. But the stench of booze coming off the guy was intense.

  As Mike gave him a quick pat down, to make sure the guy wasn't carrying a weapon, he noticed that it wasn't like the burglar was exhaling fumes, as much as he smelled like he had washed his clothes in a beer keg and rinsed them in whiskey.

  Apollo didn't agree with Mike's assessment of the guy being harmless. He took one look at the burglar and high-tailed it back to his hiding spot under the couch.

  Maddie frowned. "Some guard dog he turned out to be. Too bad we didn't get a video of his fiendish Dobie behavior. We could have sent it to the insurance adjuster to prove he's not vicious."

  When the insurance company found out Mike and Maddie had bought a Doberman, they tried to cancel their condo insurance. The adjuster finally compromised and agreed to let them pay a higher premium.

  As Mike was thinking that a video of Apollo's passive nature wasn't a bad idea, the burglar rolled onto his back and the snoring started up again. His head was thrown back, mouth wide open under his ski mask. As Mike's attention focused on the burglar, the light of opportunity suddenly broke through the haze in Mike's head. A video!

  "Is this a God-given opportunity or what?!" Mike said. He wasn't prone to chortling, but this time, he chortled. Not only did he chortle, he rubbed his hands together with glee. This was going to be sweet, he thought to himself. This was going to be the best New Year's ever.