The Thief Who Stole Midnight

by Christiana Miller

Nick quickly took Apollo to the bathroom and locked him in.

  The policewoman holstered her gun.

  The policeman stepped forward. "What's going on with the kitchen? You got another burglar in there?"

  Irini shook her head. "We were just in the kitchen a little while ago. There's nobody in the kitchen."

  Apollo must have given one of his silent but deadly farts, because the smell came under the bathroom door and wafted over the living room, squeezing the oxygen out of the room.

  The policeman gasped. "Oh my God, what is that is that smell? I thought you said he wasn't dead."

  The policewoman slapped the open part of the cuff on Maddie's other wrist and started reading Maddie her rights. "You have the right to remain silent..."

  "Mike!" Maddie wailed. "Do something!"

  Mike made a move towards Maddie and the policeman pulled his gun. "Everyone freeze. Hands where I can see them."

  As Mike put his hands up, the cop shoved him into the wall, twisted Mike's arm behind his back and cuffed him.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Finally, Rio and Nick were able to convince the cops that Maddie and Mike weren't the felons in this equation and maybe they should look at the bedroom. Within minutes, everyone was crammed into the bedroom with the cops, gawking at the sleeping burglar.

  It looked bad for Mike and Maddie. The guy was handcuffed to their bed and there was a pile of clothes and lingerie on him. His mouth and nose were covered in a mask that was hooked up to a machine. And there was an open, mostly-empty bottle of Nyquil next to him.

  "You see?" Maddie said, still outraged. "Not. Dead."

  Maddie's mom was absolutely beside herself, rattling off what sounded like a long string of Greek curses.

  The policewoman looked at Maddie, exasperated. "So, let me get this straight. He robbed you and then what? Came back to take a nap?"

  The policeman cleared his throat and turned to Mike. "Could you give us a list of what's missing, sir?"

  Mike looked confused. "Well, nothing. I mean, he never actually left the apartment, so after we tied him up, we put it all back."

  "So, you're not actually missing anything?" The policewoman said.

  Maddie nodded. "That's right."

  "So you weren't actually robbed?" The policeman continued.

  "I guess... no. Not technically. No." Mike said.

  The policewoman stared at him. "And you called us, because?"

  "To invite you to our party," Maddie snapped. "Why do you think?"

  "Can't you get him on breaking and entering, at least?" Mike said.

  "And can you please take these handcuffs off? You can see he's alive." Maddie said.

  Instead, the policeman took the mask off the burglar and prodded him awake.

  The burglar opened his eyes and yelped. Then he looked around, confused. "What... This isn't my home. What am I doing here?"

  "These people claim you were robbing them," The policeman said, drily.

  The burglar shook his head, still sluggish from sleep. "I wouldn't do that Ossifers. Scout's honor. I would never rob anyone. I thought I was home." He tried to move his arm to make the Scout salute and the handcuff brought him up short. "Hey, what the heck? Who cuffed me?"

  "Are you kidding me? You weren't robbing us? What do you call this?" Mike asked, kicking at a large, empty white sack.

  "A giant laundry bag?" The burglar guessed. "I don't know dude, I've never seen it before."

  "Oh, come on," Maddie snapped. "You don't remember telling us about how you can't hold a real job anymore, so you have to resort to robbing people?"

  "Oh, wait. I do remember something..." He looked at Mike and Maddie and shuddered. "I remember you threatening to shoot me if I didn't stay quiet and then tying me up and forcing me to drink Nyquil. I thought it was a dream. Thank God you're here, officers. These people are crazy. Especially that one," he said, nodding at Maddie. "I want to press charges for... for kidnapping and... false imprisonment and... assault and... emotional blackmail."

  "What?!" Maddie screeched.

  The policewoman rolled her eyes and put her hand on Maddie's shoulder. "Let's all of us go down to the station and sort this out."

  "But he's lying," Maddie said. "Tell them, Mike."

  "Your word against mine, lady. Let a judge decide," the burglar said. "When he hears my story, I'll be vindicated."

  "But we have proof!" Maddie said.

  "No, we don't." Mike said. "Nope. No proof at all. Take us in."

  "What?! Are you crazy?" Maddie shot him a look that any sane person would have thought twice about defying.

  "Nope." Mike said.

  Maddie looked around the bedroom for the camera, but it was nowhere to be seen.

  "Come on, buddy." The policeman said, uncuffing the burglar from the bed, and then pulling the burglar's hands behind his back to re-cuff them. "You can tell us all about it and then sleep it off in the tank."

  The cops walked to the door, the burglar, Mike and Maddie between them.

  "You can't take those two to the station," Irini said. "You heard my daughter. That man's the criminal."

  "If that's true, they'll be out in no time." The policewoman said.

  "But she's a mother. She has to stay here with her daughter," Ruby chimed in.

  "That's true," Rio said, holding Sophie up. "I don't know what to do with babies."

  "Can't you just take my grandson instead?" Ruby said.

  "Hey!" Mike protested.

  "Sorry," said the policewoman. "It doesn't work that way."

  "But it's almost midnight," Taki sputtered. "This is a very special year. Can't you just let them stay here to celebrate midnight?"

  "Sorry, sir," the policeman said.

  "Great. So, just because we took our stuff out of his loot bag, you're letting that criminal steal midnight from us." Maddie said, fuming.

  "Looks that way," the policewoman said, opening the front door.

  "Don't worry. I'll get bail money together and be right behind you," Rio called out as they left, the door shutting behind them.

  "You gotta love this city," Nick said, shaking his head. "Where else would being the victim of a crime get you arrested?"

  Rio turned to the room. "Okay, everyone pony up your wallets. How much do we have?"

  She put Sophie back in her vibrating chair, and they all sat around the coffee table and threw in their cash. Between the six of them, they had about eight hundred dollars.

  "I can go take care of it," Taki said, reaching for the money.

  "No!" Rio said, snatching the cash and stuffing it in her pocket. If Taki and Irini went down to the jail, they'd get Mike and Maddie thrown in the slammer for sure. "It's late and it's really scummy down there. You'll get mugged. I'll go. Besides, someone needs to stay here with the baby."

  "We can take the baby back to the hotel with us, if they want to go to the jail." Granny Ruby offered.

  "Over my dead body," muttered Taki.

  "You all can stay here with the baby. I'll go with Rio," Nick said.

  Rio pulled him aside, so no one else would hear them. "No way. One of us needs to stay here and play referee. We don't want them killing each other or setting the place on fire. Or, worse, stealing the baby."

  "I'd rather take my chances with the criminals," Nick muttered.

  "Yeah, but I called dibs on it first," Rio said.

  Apollo barked from the bathroom, and Nick let him out. He ran into the living room, looking for Mike and Maddie.

  Seth called Apollo over and started petting him.

  "Seth?" Rio asked. "Can you take Apollo out for his walk? I don't know how long it's going to take me to get Mike and Maddie out on bond."

  "It'll be my honor," he said, seriously.

  Rio had to swallow a smile, so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. He was being so serious. It was like he was being handed the crown jewels instead of a pooper-scooper and a leash.

  Taki suddenly noticed the cheering on TV. "Look at that. Th
e apple dropped. It's New Year's. Happy New Year's everybody."

  "What are you talking about, happy?" Irini snapped. "Our daughter's in jail. This is a lousy New Year's."

  "So's my grandson," Ruby said.

  "He's a man. He should be in jail." Irini said. "It's this stupid city. I told them to move out of this city."

  Apollo farted in agreement.

  Rio sighed. "Don't anybody do anything drastic while I'm gone. I'll be back with Mike and Maddie as soon as I can. And please, get that dog out for his walk. There's something nasty going on in his gut."

  Rio walked out of the apartment and crossed her fingers that the grandparents didn't join forces to kidnap and relocate the baby while she was bailing out Sophie's parents.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  "And that's your official statement?" The interrogating officer, Lt. Monroe, asked first Maddie, then Mike, then Rio, trying to shake their stories. But they were all basically in agreement.

  The only oddball in the bunch was the burglar, John Turnag. But the guy not only had a rap sheet, he had a file the size of a dictionary, so his credibility ranked right around the level of cockroaches. At least the others were clean.

  Lt. Monroe walked out of the interrogation room, down the hallway, into the bull pit. The place was in utter chaos, full to bursting with drunk and disorderly revelers. Mixed in with the regular scumbags were hookers, intoxicated partygoers, half-naked fat guys dressed up as Baby New Year, even an out-of-place leprechaun.

  As Lt. Monroe got to his desk, one of the Baby New Years got loose, ran across the room, grabbed an overhanging light and tried to swing on it, like Tarzan. The light fixture pulled out of the ceiling and Baby New Year dropped on Lt. Monroe's desk, sending everything on it flying.

  "What the hell...!" Lt. Monroe jumped up, coffee dripping off his pants from an overturned mug, gun in his hand. "Someone bring me a new clip. I'm going to shoot this pig." He said, glaring at the fat man on his desk.

  Baby New Year howled. "You can't shoot me. I'll sue. I'm gonna sue anyway. I think I broke my back..."

  As he moaned and rubbed his backside, Lt. Monroe put the gun away and cuffed the fat man, muttering, "I hate New Years Eve in this town. Bunch of freaks and lunatics. Someone take this idiot away from me before I forget my oath."

  Another cop came up to take Baby New Year off his hands. "Speaking of lunatics," he said, "What do you want me to do with the Apple Dumpling gang in the interrogation rooms?"

  "Turn 'em loose." Lt. Monroe said. "All except Turnag. Fucker's sound asleep on the table. Wake him up and dump him in a cell."

  By the time Mike, Maddie and Rio got back to the apartment, Maddie's parents were asleep on the couch, Nick was watching TV and giving the baby a bottle, and Granny Ruby and Seth were cuddling on the couch and talking about the honeymoon suite they had booked.

  While Mike was shuddering at the idea of his grandmother having sex, Maddie and Rio corralled everyone. As Rio returned their money, Maddie shooed them out the door, until the only people left were the three of them and Sophie.

  "Well, I'd better go," Rio said. "I don't know how you're going to top this New Year's party next year. You'd better start working on it now."

  Maddie gave her an irritated look but Rio just grinned. Then, blowing kisses at them, she went on her way.

  "Where was the camera? Why didn't you give the cops the footage?" Maddie asked Mike, after she locked the door behind Rio.

  "And have it confiscated as evidence? Or lost and destroyed? No way," Mike said. "I hid the camera on the bookshelves. That footage is our ticket to the big time."

  "Are you kidding me? You would have let us rot in jail, just to keep your footage safe?" Maddie asked, astounded.

  "No," Mike said. "If it had gone that far, I would have turned it over to our attorney. After I told him to make a copy of it."

  "Do you know how long it would have taken to get an attorney over the holidays?" Maddie asked.

  "I did the math," Mike said. "We would have only been in jail a few days, max."

  "A few days!" Maddie looked dumbfounded.

  "Just remember, you love me." Mike said, smiling into her eyes.

  Maddie sighed and looked away.

  "You still love me, right? For better or worse?" Mike asked, his stomach suddenly clenching. For the first time in their life together, he wasn't sure of the answer.

  Maddie sighed again and then finally smiled at him. "Most of the time. But there are moments..."

  "That's not your heart talking. That's low blood sugar," Mike said, relieved. "I know your heart's crazy about me all of the time. But your blood sugar needs food or it gets cranky."

  Maddie burst out laughing. "I could eat," she reluctantly agreed.

  But by the time Mike came back from the kitchen, with a plate of turkey slices and cheese and apple slices, Maddie was sound asleep on the couch.

  Quietly, Mike put a blanket over Maddie, then picked up Sophie from her chair.

  She opened her eyes and looked at him.

  "Hush, little one." Mike said. "Your mom's had a tough night. But you've been a really good girl tonight, haven't you?"

  Mike heated up a bottle for her and burped her. Sophie gurgled with happiness and settled back to sleep on his shoulder.

  The next day, when Maddie woke up, Mike was intently working on his computer.

  "What time is it?" she asked, stretching. Apollo, who had been sleeping on the floor next to her, got up and stretched along with her. "I feel like I've been sleeping for a week."

  "Just about," Mike said. "It's almost two."

  "In the afternoon?! Where's Sophie?" Maddie looked around, panicked.

  "Relax. I fed her. She's napping right now." Mike clicked his computer mouse.

  "Two o'clock. No wonder I'm starving." Maddie said, absent-mindedly petting Apollo's head.

  "I made turkey and cheese sandwiches for lunch. Yours is in the fridge. There's apple slices too. Oh, and my Gran and your Mom both called -- they each invited us to dinner."

  "What did you tell them?"

  "It's food. When have I ever turned down food? I told your Mom we'd be over for dinner at six, and I told my Gran we'd meet them at the Drake at eight for dessert."

  "Wow, they got a room at the Drake? Granny Ruby doesn't do anything halfway, does she?" Maddie said, heading into the kitchen.

  After Maddie had retrieved her sandwich plate, she sat on the couch to eat.

  Would you look at this?" Mike said, his eyes shining with excitement as he stared at his computer. "The Thief Who Stole Midnight is at ten thousand hits and climbing. We're going viral, baby," he said, howling in glee.

  "Did you get any sleep at all? Or have you been up all night editing footage?"

  "I can sleep tomorrow. I wanted to get this done." Mike said. "Holy moley, you should see this hit counter move."

  Maddie rolled her eyes and hid a grin behind her sandwich. "Who would have thought a drunk burglar would bring you so much happiness?"

  "Not drunk," Mike corrected. "Narcoleptic. It's sad, really. Poor man falls asleep at job interviews. Hasn't been able to get work for the last few years. And his unemployment ran out after eighteen months. No wonder he was robbing us. Although personally, I think if he gets rid of the sleep apnea, the narcolepsy will cure itself."

  "Narcolepsy is just another word for lazy and in denial." Maddie said, biting into an apple slice.

  "Not so, Senora." Mike said. "Sleep apnea is the root of all evil. Look it up. It can kill you."

  "Mike, he's a criminal. If he hadn't drunk all of our champagne, he wouldn't have passed out in a stupor."

  "That doesn't make him a bad guy."

  "No, the bag full of loot makes him a bad guy."

  "You should be nicer to the less fortunate. Besides, he wasn't as drunk as he smelled. He said he bumped into a display at a liquor store, all the bottles came crashing down and his clothes got soaked."

  "And you believed him? You are so gullible." Madd
ie frowned. "How do you know so much about him anyway?"

  Mike hesitated. "Sophie and I went to the police station this morning."

  Maddie jumped up from the couch so fast, she knocked the plate on the floor. Apollo made a beeline for the food, practically inhaling the crumbs.

  "What?! Why? Was there something he forgot to steal?" Maddie screeched, pacing the room. "I can't believe you took our daughter to a prison. A prison. Don't ever tell my mother that. She'll call the Department of Children and Family Services and sue us for custody."

  "Police stations are not the same as prisons." Mike said, wincing. "Besides, I needed closure and I didn't want to wake you up. And I thought if anyone needed an APAP machine it was that guy. So I traded your Uncle Evan's machine for his signature. I didn't think you'd mind."

  Maddie thought about it. "Since when are they allowed to have APAP machines in jail?" she grumbled, picking up her plate.

  "Yeah, about that... Since he didn't get away with anything, I dropped the charges."

  "You what?!"

  "He really wants to be a decent guy. He just needs a break. And he promised to stop burgling people. Besides, don't you want to start off the year with a good deed? Get those good karma points flowing?"

  Maddie sighed and shook her head. "You are such a patsy."

  "Maybe," Mike said. "But I'm a patsy with a signed release form, the most downloaded video on YouTube, and the sexiest wife in Chicago."

  Maddie playfully frowned at him. "Only Chicago? What about the Northern suburbs?"

  Mike pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. "How about the entire Midwest?"

  Maddie grinned. "I like that."

  As they kissed, Mike tried to carry Maddie into the bedroom, but it was more difficult than he thought. He staggered under her weight, tripped over a baby toy and they collapsed on the floor.

  Maddie burst out laughing. "My big, strong, man."

  Mike held up the baby toy. "It was sabotage, I tell you. Sophie's determined to be an only child."

  As Mike bent to kiss her again, the baby woke up from her nap, crying for breakfast. Then Apollo started barking and from behind the front door came Nick's voice, "Hey, Mikey! Can I borrow Apollo? Or the baby? There's a hottie in the park and I need a wing man."