Ugenia Lavender Home Alone

by Geri Halliwell

  ‘Ooh, Ugenia, I’m not so sure about this. It looks a little bit scary,’ said Rudy as they watched Bronte and Trevor disappear through the black doors into the dark tunnel ahead of them.

  ‘Don’t worry, come on . . . you’ve got to be a daredevil!’ said Ugenia. ‘Besides, you’re not alone. I’m with you!’

  Their car began to glide on its rails towards the large black doors. They were just about to enter the tunnel when something made Ugenia turn round.

  The red dwarf was climbing into the carriage behind them, giving Ugenia a nasty glare.

  ‘Something red and nasty is following me!’ cried Ugenia. ‘Mystical Marge was right.’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ said Rudy, who was gripping Ugenia.

  ‘I don’t know exactly, but that red dwarf behind us is nasty,’ said Ugenia.

  Ugenia and Rudy rolled into the blackness to the sound of wails and screams. They approached a headless body followed by a wailing ghoul.

  Ugenia could hear the car behind them with the red dwarf in it. She stared at the body that had lost its head then suddenly, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave . . .

  ‘Ingenious! We must lose the dwarf!’

  With no time to lose, Ugenia jumped out of the car, dragging Rudy with her. They leaped over the tracks, down the side of the tunnel and into the darkness.

  One minute later, the red dwarf chugged past in his car. Ugenia held her breath as she and Rudy hid behind a large glowing cauldron.

  ‘Phew, he didn’t see us, Rudy,’ whispered Ugenia.

  Rudy and Ugenia stood very still. It was very dark and quiet . . . no other cars came through.

  Then, out of the shadows, a dark figure came towards them. Rudy began to tremble, so did Ugenia. ‘It’s the red dwarf . . . he’s coming to get us!’

  But suddenly a tall man in a black T-shirt and jeans shone a flashlight at them.

  ‘What are you doing getting out of a car?’ he yelled. ‘That’s not allowed!’ He grabbed Rudy and Ugenia by the arm and escorted them both straight out of the tunnel and back into the bright lights of the fairground.

  Bronte and Trevor were waiting for them, smiling.

  ‘What happened to you?’ asked Bronte. ‘Your car came out empty!’

  ‘We had a nasty red dwarf following us,’ said Ugenia.

  ‘Hmm, well he’s not here now,’ said Bronte.

  ‘Come on then, Ugenia,’ said Crazy Trevor. ‘I reckon it’s time to go on your Death Wish.’ He grinned.

  So they climbed down from the ghost train, turned the corner and manoeuvred through the crowds till there in front of them was the gigantic, humongous Death Wish.

  It was a yellow and black metal crane, which was twice as tall as the Dinosaur Museum where Ugenia’s dad worked. The whole ride had only four seats with seriously high backs – like they were going to be launched into space.

  Ugenia stared at the iron monstrosity and began to feel a little bit nervous. It looked so big and high. ‘Erm, I’m not so sure,’ she said.

  ‘Come on, you’re the daredevil,’ said Crazy Trevor. ‘Let’s go!’

  ‘Erm, you go first,’ squirmed Ugenia, who began to think about Mystical Marge’s Death Wish warning.

  ‘Ah, you’re not being a chicken, are you?’ said Rudy ‘After what you’ve dragged me through?’

  ‘Ugenia, you’re the brave one!’ said Bronte.

  Ugenia hesitated, but before she had any time to protest, she found herself following her three best friends on to the launch pad.

  Ugenia and Rudy sat on the two black chairs on one side, and Crazy Trevor and Bronte sat on the other two. A serious-looking man came over and belted them all in, then he pulled down a very heavy contraption which locked them in tightly so they couldn’t move a muscle.

  The Death Wish gave a hiss and began to slowly pull back the chairs, elevating them higher and higher, preparing for the pendulum to take its first swing.

  Ugenia was so high in the sky she felt like she could lick the stars. As she looked down at her feet, which wiggled above the tiny fair below, she felt a tidal wave of fear sweep over her. Ugenia held her breath and began to sweat as the chair rotated and she was now dangling upside down. Suddenly Ugenia could see the whole world from another point of view. She began to regret how much she had wanted to go on the Death Wish ride. She wished she had never laid eyes on that stupid breakfast cereal Wheatie Oatie Flakos.

  Ugenia’s heart began to beat faster and faster in anticipation as she waited for the metal crane’s pendulum to take its first swing, then suddenly she noticed a flash of red down by the controls below. It was the red dwarf, glaring up at Ugenia.

  ‘It’s the nasty red dwarf,’ Ugenia hissed. ‘He’s come to get me! Beware of the Death Wish – that’s what Mystical Marge said! I want to get off!’ Ugenia shouted, not feeling like such a daredevil after all.

  But before Ugenia had any more time to panic, the Death Wish creaked and pulled back a final couple of centimetres and then suddenly released and zoomed Ugenia upside down through the air.

  ‘I’m going to die!’ screamed Ugenia.

  ‘This is fabulous,’ cried Rudy.

  ‘I hate this Death Wish!’ shrieked Ugenia.

  ‘I love it,’ said Bronte.

  Ugenia closed her eyes. It felt like she was going a million miles an hour as she sped through the night sky, heading down towards the floor. Her face began to fatten in the wind and her head felt like it would explode as the crane then swung all the way to the other side like a speeding pendulum clock. It then jolted and repeated the same motion backwards.

  Ugenia began to feel faint as all the blood rushed to her face. She wished this horrendous experience could be over. The Death Wish took its final bow and they were returned to the launch pad.

  Ugenia sighed as the heavy metal contraption released and she jumped out of her seat, feeling a rush of relief, excitement and horror all at once.

  ‘He was trying to kill me – he was fiddling with the controls!’ cried Ugenia, pointing at the red dwarf.

  Crazy Trevor, Rudy, and Bronte huddled around Ugenia as the glaring red dwarf approached the launch pad and walked towards Ugenia.

  ‘You stay away from me,’ Ugenia cried. ‘Mystical Marge warned me about you! You’re the something red and nasty that’s following me!’

  The dwarf’s expression broke out into a smile as he reached into his pocket. ‘Ah, she was right!’ said the dwarf. ‘I was following you – to hand you back the plastic purse you dropped in the tent. It is red and a bit nasty, but it’s got money in it.’

  Ugenia stared at the dwarf, dumbfounded.

  ‘I thought you were nasty,’ said Ugenia, feeling a bit embarrassed. ‘You hissed at me earlier.’

  ‘I was just clearing my throat,’ laughed the dwarf. ‘It’s the fairground dust – being so short it goes up my nose!’

  ‘Oh! Ah! Well then, that explains it. It’s very kind of you to return my horrid purse! Thank you,’ Ugenia said gratefully and, with a wave of relief, she took back her almost-nearly-winner red plastic purse.

  Ugenia, Crazy Trevor, Rudy and Bronte said their goodbyes to the not-so-nasty red dwarf and decided it was time to go back to Kevin and Terry at the tent.

  ‘Get up to much mischief?’ said Kevin as they pushed back the entrance flap.

  ‘Us?’ said Trevor. ‘Course not. We just went on the teacup ride.’

  Ugenia, Crazy Trevor, Bronte, Rudy and Kevin then walked out of the front entrance of Lunar Park, got back in the rusty white van and happily went home.

  The next day there was a knock at Ugenia’s front door. It was Rudy’s father, Ranjid Patel, with a large cardboard parcel.

  ‘Hello, Ranjid,’ said Ugenia’s mum.

  ‘Hello, Pandora. I have a message from Rudy for Ugenia to say thank you for his VIP soaking on the Evolution Log Ride at Lunar Park,’ he said, handing over a large cardboard parcel.

  Ugenia opened it and stared
at twenty boxes of Wheatie Oatie Flakos taped up with Sellotape . . .

  ‘Hmm, my favourite, thanks, Mr Patel,’ smiled Ugenia politely.

  Ugenia woke up on Friday morning to the sound of her mother, Pandora, yelling up the stairs.

  ‘Ugenia Lavender! Hurry up! I’m going to be late for work!’

  ‘All right, all right, I’m coming!’ yelled Ugenia, leaping out of bed and dashing to the bathroom. She threw on her clothes and manically packed her luminous yellow rucksack.

  Ugenia’s mum was giving Ugenia a lift to school and taking her dad, Professor Edward Lavender, to the Dinosaur Museum. Pandora was doing a new entertainment slot at nine o’clock, which meant she only had forty-five minutes to drop them off and get to the studio on time, and she wanted to make a good impression.

  ‘Hurry, Ugenia, I can’t be late,’ called Pandora, busy polishing her most precious porcelain ancient-tribal-statue headpiece. ‘It’s live TV and I have a new boss, so I need everything to go smoothly. And tidy your room – it’s a pigsty!’

  ‘All right, all right!’ groaned Ugenia. She ran into the dining room and quickly grabbed her science project from the table, which made Pandora’s most precious porcelain ancient-tribal-statue headpiece wobble.

  ‘Ugenia, be careful, for goodness sake, try to be a bit more responsible!’ shrieked Pandora. ‘That was a special present from your father from his trip to Kathmandu.’ Ugenia rushed out of the front door to find her dad already sitting calmly in the front seat of their beige Mini. She squeezed herself in the back and then fastened her seat belt. Pandora, who was wearing her brand-new cream suit, dashed to the car and started the engine.

  ‘I’ve forgotten my salad-cream sandwiches! One second,’ said Edward Lavender, hopping out of the car and running into the house.

  ‘EEEEdwaaard! I’m going to be late,’ screeched Pandora.

  ‘Calm down, woman, it won’t take a minute,’ said Professor Lavender.

  Three very long minutes later, Edward was back in the Mini and the Lavenders were on their way to take Ugenia to school.

  But as they pulled out of Cromer Road, there were huge roadworks causing heavy traffic.

  ‘I’m going to be late!’ shrieked Pandora as the Mini crawled along like a miserable snail, stuck between a monstrous dustbin lorry and a twenty-four-hour, bargain-budget, bulk-buyers’ supersized-supermarket large lorry.

  Pandora huffed in frustration. Ugenia giggled at her mum.

  ‘Ugenia, it’s not easy being me,’ snapped Pandora. ‘Just you wait until you’re a grown-up with lots of responsibilities.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, I can’t wait,’ groaned Ugenia.

  Ugenia decided the best thing to do was to embrace the delay and have light refreshments with a flask of tarberry juice.

  ‘Glass anyone?’ said Ugenia, offering her mother a plastic cup just as Pandora gave an almighty sneeze, sending the tarberry juice flying all over her beautiful cream suit.

  ‘For goodness sake!’ wailed Pandora. ‘Look what you’ve done, you silly girl.’

  ‘But it was an accident!’ cried Ugenia. ‘I was only trying to be helpful.’

  ‘Edward, do something!’ shouted Pandora as she tried to wipe herself down and drive at the same time.

  ‘Just pay attention to the road!’ grunted Edward.

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do, it’s all your fault – if you hadn’t made us late!’ snapped Pandora.

  ‘Well, maybe we should have left earlier!’ barked Edward.

  ‘Well, maybe if I didn’t have so much to do!’ griped Pandora.

  ‘Well, maybe you should both stop arguing!’ shouted Ugenia, just as the gigantic dustbin lorry in front of them squealed to a halt.

  Quickly Pandora slammed on her brakes. The car skidded forward and was followed by a loud crunch as the supermarket lorry slammed into them.

  Frantically Pandora tried to control the spinning steering wheel as their Mini hurtled forward and flew straight into the back of the dustbin lorry, which had just been filled with all the Cromer Road weekly rubbish.

  ‘Aaaaaaah,’ yelled Pandora as she was flung forward and headbutted the steering wheel.

  ‘Aaaaaaoooooooooh!’ screamed Professor Lavender as he bumped his nose on the dashboard.

  ‘Ugenia, are you OK? Ugenia?’ said Mum and Dad in unison. But before Ugenia had time to answer, mountains of stinky, pongy rubbish spilt on to the Mini. Pandora, Edward and Ugenia screamed in horror as they were engulfed with mouldy carrots and cabbage.

  Suddenly Ugenia’s ears were drowned with the sound of sirens, and an ambulance, a fire engine and a police car swiftly arrived on the scene.

  ‘Don’t move a muscle,’ said a paramedic.

  ‘I’ll get you out,’ said a fireman.

  ‘Can I see your licence?’ said a policeman.

  Speedily a fireman in a yellow rubber suit began cutting the Mini, which now looked like a very squashed prawn mayonnaise sandwich, in half to release the Lavenders.

  Edward, Pandora and Ugenia were lifted on to stretchers and carried into the back of a gleaming white ambulance which sparkled with importance. The paramedics began examining the Lavenders and talking very complicated words into their walkie-talkie radios.

  ‘Have a doctor on standby,’ said one paramedic.

  Ne-Nah, Ne-Nah, Wooo woo-oh wooh, whirled the ambulance, as if to say, ‘Get out of the way, you idiots, we have an emergency!’

  The ambulance sped the Lavenders down Boxmore Hill, past the twenty-four-hour, bargain-budget, bulk-buyers’ supersized supermarket into the town centre, past the Dinosaur Museum and straight to the general hospital’s Accident and Emergency Department.

  A few minutes later, the Lavenders were lying on trolleys and whizzing down the hospital corridors into an examination room. Three pristine white beds and a very handsome doctor were waiting for them. It was Doctor Clooney, who had been at the same college as Pandora when she was a student.

  ‘Hello, Pandora,’ said Doctor Clooney, beginning to examine her gently. ‘Well, it looks as though you could have a broken nose, a splintered shoulder and a possible fractured arm.’

  ‘Is that serious?’ whimpered Pandora, trying to be brave.

  ‘Yes, moderately serious. I need to get you X-rayed to check,’ said Doctor Clooney.

  ‘OK,’ said Pandora obediently. Doctor Clooney then gave Professor Edward Lavender a prod and a poke.

  ‘Ouch,’ yelled Professor Lavender.

  ‘Well, it looks like you could have a fractured jaw, a broken rib, a broken wrist, a broken leg and a minor fracture to your skull with concussion,’ announced Doctor Clooney.

  ‘Really?’ said the Professor. ‘Is that serious?’

  ‘Yes, very serious, so I’m sending you straight into surgery.’

  ‘Er, excuse me! What about me? Shouldn’t I have gone first?’ interrupted Ugenia as her parents were wheeled off down the corridor. ‘I’m the child here – they’re the grown-ups.’ She huffed, feeling a bit left out of all the attention that her parents were getting.

  ‘Ah, little lady! The paramedics warned me what was wrong with you,’ said Doctor Clooney. ‘That’s why I left the best till last. Let’s have a look at you.’ And very smoothly and efficiently, Doctor Clooney began to examine Ugenia. ‘Just as I thought,’ he said finally.

  ‘What’s wrong with me? Will I live? Is it serious?’ squirmed Ugenia, who began thrashing around on her bed.

  ‘No, not exactly,’ laughed Doctor Clooney, ‘unless you consider a bruised little finger life-threatening!’

  ‘INJUSTICE! Is that it?’ huffed Ugenia, who was very disappointed with her diagnosis. ‘That’s so unfair. Why is it the grown-ups always get the good stuff?’

  ‘What do you mean? You’re a very lucky young lady!’ frowned Doctor Clooney, applying a plaster to her little finger. Now, let’s see how your parents are doing.’

  And so Ugenia followed Doctor Clooney down a corridor and into the main hospital to find her mum and
dad. There they were, in a ward, wrapped in casts and bandages, looking extremely bruised and miserable. They both lay on their beds and groaned.

  ‘Ooh, I feel awful,’ whimpered Pandora.

  ‘Ooh, I feel terrible,’ moaned Edward.

  ‘Well, it looks like we shall have to keep you both in under observation,’ said Doctor Clooney. ‘You will need plenty of rest and relaxation without any worrying.’

  ‘Ugenia, we’ve just phoned Uncle Harry and he has offered to take care of you until we get home,’ smiled Dad through his bandages. ‘He’ll be there when you get back.’

  ‘And my old friend Doctor Clooney has kindly offered to take you back to Cromer Road,’ said Pandora. ‘You will be OK, won’t you?’ she finished, passing Ugenia the front doorkey.

  ‘Sure, I’ll be fine,’ smiled Ugenia, thinking that at last this was her chance to be a grown-up.

  ‘Are you sure?’ said her mum anxiously.

  ‘Mum, I’ll be totally cool, don’t worry! Trust me, I’m nine! I can look after myself!’ announced Ugenia.

  ‘Well, tell Uncle Harry that there’s money in the kitchen drawer and to ring me on my mobile if there are any problems,’ said her mum.

  And so Doctor Clooney drove Ugenia past the twenty-four-hour, bargain-budget, bulk-buyers’ supersized supermarket and up Boxmore Hill until finally they stopped outside 13 Cromer Road.

  ‘Now, Ugenia Lavender, your parents need to rest without any stress, so please be on your best behaviour for Uncle Harry,’ said Doctor Clooney. ‘You need to be a grown up young lady.’

  ‘Yeah, all right! My Uncle Harry will take care of me anyway,’ huffed Ugenia as she slammed the car door and put her new grown-up house key in the lock. ‘That Clooney needs to get out more,’ she muttered to herself.