This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  “Fate? That’s a whole lot of romantic talk right now.”

  “Yeah, I know you two are having your fun and that you’re still extremely young, but I truly believe that he’s your forever and that you’re his.”

  My chest tightened at her words. They were similar, almost verbatim, to the ones that Shawn and Penelope had once shared with one another.

  “You’re a hopeless romantic, I know, but I don’t think it’s all that serious. I’m going to go get some rest because Lio and I have plans tonight.”

  I stood up with my coffee still in hand, needing to find some type of reprieve from the floodgates Claire’s words had opened.

  “Another party?”

  “Unfortunately, yes.”

  “Enchanted Ever, your ride awaits,” Lio announced as he helped himself into my bedroom and flopped himself onto my bed.

  “Why are you dressed like you’re going to a fifties-themed party? I don’t care what anyone says, fedoras are not cute. I’m not sure if they ever were, if I’m being completely honest.”

  Lio took the hat off and shook out his growing locks. He grew cuter the more I stared at him, the longer I knew him. His hair was thick and naturally styled to perfection. I narrowed my eyes, envying his ability to pull off any look. He was handsome in the classic sense; he never seemed to have to try very hard to get people’s eyes to follow him. I don’t even think he realized the amount of attention he gathered whenever he was, well, anywhere.

  “Oh, did I forget to tell you that the party we’re going to is a Halloween party?” He said casually, spinning his hat over his index finger.

  “You know you did.” I narrowed my eyes and grabbed my brush, throwing it at his chest. “Who the heck is throwing a Halloween party in the middle of September? They’re about a month too early.”

  “Just a few of the boys.”

  “A few of the boys, I’m sure. And let me guess, you’re one of them aren’t you?”

  “Sure am. Mama Emily and Dad are off doing whatever it is she does on the weekend, so the house is free for a party.”

  “I’m not changing, I hope you know that.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly.

  He smirked and moved his position so that he was sitting at the edge of my bed rather than laying on it. “Yeah, I had a feeling you would say that.”

  He reached for my hips and pulled me to stand between his legs. I narrowed my eyes further and ignored the tingling sensation that started where his hands gripped me and spread throughout the rest of my body.

  Lio pulled a pair of leopard-printed headband ears from his jacket pocket and placed them on top of my head.

  “Seriously?” I laughed. “Cat ears?”

  “They’re leopard ears.” He corrected sternly. “And yes, seriously. I don’t want you to feel left out.”

  “That’s something you definitely never have to worry about.”

  He gently squeezed my sides. “Humor me, okay? Besides, you look hotter than a bonfire in the middle of summer.”

  I barked out an unattractive laugh and shook my head. “You’re so ridiculous, but fine, for you I’ll keep the ears on.”

  He stood up, his body towering over mine, and he leaned down so we were eye level. “You still want to hide us from people?”

  “We’ve hardly been hiding, Lio.”

  He gave me a look as if to say, oh really?

  “Do you not realize how often we do public displays of affection?”

  “Yeah, but everyone just assumes that we’re friends with benefits.”

  “Isn’t that what we are?”

  “Is that what you want us to be?”

  I pulled away from him, slightly thrown off by this conversation and where he thought it was going to lead. “Where are you going with this?”

  “You have my heart, Everly Hope Davis, and you always have.” He reached out, gripping my fingers between his. “We have never been just friends with benefits.”

  “I know that, we’ve never really given us a label, but I know we’re more than that, it’s just easier when people ask. But who cares what they think? They aren’t in this friendship, we are.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to get at,” he said, shaking his head in something that looked a lot like frustration mixed in with disappointment. “I don’t just want your friendship; I want you to give me your heart like I’ve given you mine.”

  My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and hide for cover. He wanted more than I was willing to give him—more than I could give him. Lio was my strongest lifeline in this world, and I didn’t want to lose him someday by entertaining whatever it was he was asking of me. He already had my heart, he probably always had, but confessing that to him now would lead to more heartbreak and questions when I needed to let him down again. Lio’s heart was rarely closed off to me but as the silence grew between us, his eyes turned dark and I visibly watched in painful slow motion as he pulled back whatever trust and vulnerability he had shown me since we were born and closed himself off.

  “Lio, you’re my best friend,” I squeezed his hands tightly in mine just as he tried to pull away. “Why the sudden need to make something more out of this? You know that I love you, of course I do. How could I not? But we’re so young, not even eighteen, and I’m not sure what you’re asking of me, but I don’t want to lose you over this—whatever it is.”

  “Nah, you won’t lose me, but I sure as hell don’t want to hear about how jealous you are when I start hooking up with other girls again.”

  I flinched back at the searing tone of his voice. “I never asked you to drop your fan club. You did that all on your own.”

  “Why won’t you be with me?” He pulled his hands from mine to run them through this hair. “I know I sound desperate as shit, but I really don’t understand.”

  “And I don’t expect you to.”

  “Enlighten me then.” He challenged.

  “I can’t,” I said, nearly screaming at him. My heart was pounding against my chest in anger. He was starting to piss me off. “Because I’m not even sure I really understand. All I know is that you’re my best friend, and I love you, but I don’t want us to start a relationship that could potentially ruin our friendship because once it happens we won’t be able to take it back. Why can’t you respect that?”

  “Because I think you’re afraid. Of what?” He let out a bitter, frustrated laugh. “I honestly don’t know, but I feel like you’ve been hiding something from me and it eats at you, I can tell. You get distant, cold, and borderline pessimistic, and those are three words I would never use to describe you, Everly.”

  I swallowed back the lump that had forced itself in the center of my throat. “That’s called being a teenager, Elliot.”

  His eyes narrowed at the use of his full name. I rarely used it and when I did, he almost always had an issue with it.

  “Everly, I’m just trying to understand why you keep pushing me away every time I try to get closer to you.”

  “Pushing you away, Lio? You’re as close as anyone else has ever, or will ever, be. Why isn’t that enough for you? Just because I don’t want to add more to what we already have doesn’t mean I’m going to all of a sudden hold you at arm’s length.” I swiped at an angry tear that had gotten loose. “Why are you pushing me on this?”

  “A few of the guys were making comments about you and I didn’t like it.”

  “We’re in high school, and they’re teenage boys, so of course they’re going to make comments. They were probably trying to get a rise out of you and anyone who is anyone knows that through me is the way to do just that.”

  “I’m never going to stop fighting for your heart, Ever.” He promised, a small smile tugging on his lips. “But I do understand. So, with that last tid bit, I’m going to go out and wait in the car while you finish getting ready.”

  I rolled my eyes, cursing the fact that he could go from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds. Lio was easy and he rarely he
ld a grudge. I knew that he had said what he needed to say and although it had confused and hurt me a bit, at least a weight had lifted from his chest. I knew he wanted more, but I wasn’t ready for more. I just hoped he wouldn’t hold it against me later, like by hooking up with one of his fangirls. Sure, Lio’s heart ran his decisions but when he was hurt he ignored its warnings and acted on impulse, which more often than not lead to either one or both of us being hurt.

  So, the fact that we were going to a party?

  Yeah, I was definitely going to prepare for the worst.

  “Everly, I wasn’t sure you were going to show up,” Jeremy said, throwing his arms around my body for a tight, far-too-close hug for two people who had once shared a night of kisses. “And as a cat no less. Meow for me, would ya?”

  I laughed, pushing him off me. “Bark for me, would ya?”

  He pressed a lingering kiss against my cheek. “I’ve missed your sass, Everly.”

  “I’m sure you have,” I said. My stomach flipped at the tickle of his lips against my skin, but I ignored it—or tried to at least. “Also, according to Lio, I’m a leopard, so maybe I should roar instead?”

  I made a halfhearted attempt at a roaring sound and widened my eyes, laughing at the shocked look on Jeremy’s face.

  “It wasn’t that bad, come on.” I slapped his shoulder, letting my fingers rest against his shirt.

  “Yeah, no, you really were. Please don’t ever do that again.”

  I pouted my lips, my body starting to tingle from the few drinks I had consumed since walking in.

  Lio and I separated the second we both stepped into his house. Thankfully it was his own party, so it wasn’t as awkward walking around by myself since I had done it a million times before. But the drive over, as short as it was, was filled with uncomfortable silence. Any attempt at small talk would have made the tension worse so we both opted to keep quiet, but since that wasn’t something we normally did, a small piece of my heart broke between the time we left my house and walked into his. I wasn’t usually a drinker but a few Halloween-themed cups to fuel my courage were more than welcomed.

  “Everly? You feeling okay?” Jeremy asked, concern filling his amber eyes.

  I nodded, shaking the tension from my body, and smiled at him. “Yeah, just got lost in my thoughts for a moment.”

  “Anything you want to talk about?”

  “No, more like something I want to forget,” I said. My eyes locked onto Lio’s, who stood across the room surrounded by his usual party group—mostly girls—who loved nothing more than when I was out of the picture. Apparently Lio was a different person whenever I wasn’t around. That wasn’t my problem though, it was theirs.

  I stuck my tongue out at him, and he narrowed his eyes in return, glaring at the way Jeremy’s hands still held my body. There was nothing sexual about our position but knowing Lio, no matter how another guy was touching me—especially that guy being Jeremy—any touch would make him angry. I stood up taller and prepared myself to walk over and out of Jeremy’s hands when Lio reached out and pulled Natalie to him, shoving his tongue down her throat.

  Real mature, Lio, I tried to communicate to him with my eyes.

  He smirked and pulled Natalie’s mouth to his again.

  My heart barricaded itself away from his own probing heart. I hardened my soul a bit. He wanted to play? Fine, I would be a willing participant, and I was going to make damn sure that I won this war.

  I turned my focus back to Jeremy and placed my hands over his. He smiled, genuinely happy with my affection toward him.

  A pang of regret shot through my chest at the reminder that I would be using him tonight, that he would just be a pawn in whatever game that Lio and I were about to play. He would be no different than Natalie. But no, they weren’t comparable because Jeremy actually meant something to me, and I liked to believe that Natalie was just someone Lio used to scratch all of his itches.

  I shook those thoughts away again. I needed to stay focused and alert. Suddenly the few drinks I had lost their effect. I was primed and ready for this fight. I was going to thrive in these moments and if I regretted it later then I would deal with it then, but for now I was going to compete.

  Since my heart was locked away, all I had was my head to depend on. My head was smarter and less inclined to hurt, especially with the amount of betrayal that was sure to happen over the course of the party. I was ready, or at least I had convinced myself that I was.

  “Jeremy,” I said quietly over the music, moving my body until it was brushing up against his with a breath of space between us. “I’m sorry for what happened last year.”

  “You mean those sixteen kisses that you most definitely wanted?” He asked with a smirk.

  I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pressed my lips against his cheek, mimicking what he had done shortly before. I skimmed my lips along the length of his skin, and I let myself feel for him what I had abruptly stopped myself from feeling before, on that night a year ago when my heart beat with hope for a future with more than one person, with more than Lio. I deserved happiness, I deserved someone like Jeremy. My reasons for not wanting to expand my relationship with Lio were simple: I didn’t want to lose him when we decided after a few days, weeks, months of dating that we were better off as friends. I hadn’t had a real relationship in this life but even I knew that exploring more with your best guy friend never led anywhere good.

  Jeremy placed his hands on either side of my face and gently pulled me away from his neck. He shook his head and chuckled, a little confused. “What’s going on Everly?”

  “Do you ever wonder what would have happened had I ignored Lio and given you a fighting chance?” I blurted out, realizing what I had just confessed a half a second too late. “Sorry, guess those drinks I had earlier didn’t disappear like I thought they did.”

  “You ended things with me because of Lio?”

  “Yeah, you knew that, I explained the bro code situation to you.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t realize he had more to do with it than you. I assumed it was what you wanted, not what he wanted.”

  “Well,” I said carefully. “It was sort of a mixture of both. He’s my best friend, and he didn’t want me to date his other best friend. It actually makes perfect sense if you think about it.”

  “Then why the sudden change of heart?” He asked accusingly.

  My eyes shot to where Lio stood with his body wrapped around Natalie and I rolled my eyes, letting out a puff of annoyance.

  Jeremy followed my line of sight with his own eyes. “Are you serious Everly? I thought you had more confidence than that.”

  “I do.” I defended. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”

  “Natalie is no competition, and if you think she is then you need a reality check.”

  “I never said she was, but do you ever wonder about that night?” I asked, pressing for information, for honesty to leave his mouth.

  “I used to but after a while I just sort of accepted what it was, ya know? I figured you wouldn’t have dropped me like that unless you agreed with the decision you were making.”

  “I didn’t drop you, that’s a little harsh.”

  “Tell that to my heart,” he said lightly. “I had fun with you, and I was looking forward to more nights like that.”

  “You were?” I asked. My heart rate sped up and my hands tingled. “You never said anything.”

  “I’m not one to beg, Everly.”

  “Maybe you should have.” I whispered, gathering up the courage from wherever necessary to be able to make my next move.

  He opened his mouth to say something but before he could I wrapped my lips around his and when he kissed me back, my body sighed in relief, smiling at the feel of his lips against mine. It was natural, comfortable, and I didn’t want to pull away.

  Jeremy’s hands moved to my back and held me firmly against his body. I smiled against his lips, my heart slowly coming out of hiding the more we lost ourselve
s in the other. Jeremy was a safe choice and right now safe was really all I was willing to handle.

  Lio and I were friends, and sometimes friends dated other people. Well, actually, I was pretty sure that was always how it worked.

  Jeremy pulled back but not before pressing another chaste kiss to my lips. “To answer your question, yes I have thought about what would have happened if you hadn’t ended things before they started.”

  I put a hand against his cheek, and he leaned into my touch. “I want a do over, starting, mmm, right about now.”

  “Yeah?” His lips formed into a full smile. “I was hoping you would come to your senses one day, I just didn’t think it would take you a whole damn year.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up. I giggled and used my hands to keep from falling, gripping his shoulders as he walked through the room.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  “Outside, nothing screams romance like laying under the stars.”

  My body froze on its own accord, and I blinked away the pain building in my chest as another memory-filled dream took control of my thoughts and all of my attention.

  “Look how clear the sky is tonight, Shawn!” I whisper yelled, twirling around the midnight air. “The stars look incredible. Absolutely stunning.”

  His fingers reached out to brush some loose strands of hair out of my face. “You’re absolutely stunning, wife.”

  “Wife?” I squeaked. “I don’t think I’m ever going to tire of you saying that because every time you do, I swear my soul falls in love with yours all over again.”

  “You’re the brightest star in my life, Penny, and I’m so effing grateful that you agreed to spend the rest of your life with a schmuck like me.”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head in agreement. “You really are a schmuck.”