This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  “My friends would never post about my private life on social media because it’s just that—private.”

  “I already apologized and made him take it down, what else do you want me to do?”

  “Did you see the things that people were saying about me? I had no idea you were such a womanizer before I came along.”

  He sighed, and his body visibly relaxed. “Exactly. Before you, Penny, before I knew there was even going to be a you.”

  I swiped angrily at a tear that had escaped. “I know that, okay? Logically, I know, but it still hurt, Shawn. A whole freaking lot.”

  His arms wrapped around me, and he held my head against his chest. “I love you, Penny. There hasn’t been anyone since you and there never will be. You’re it for me. I’m in deep and even if you wanted to, you wouldn’t be able to get rid of me.”

  “Fine,” I whispered. “I love you, too.”

  “Merry Christmas Eve, Everly.”

  “Thanks, Claire.” I returned her smile and adjusted my dress. “Are you sure we have to go to Emily’s Christmas party?”

  “Of course, Sweetheart. We’ve been going since you were a little girl.” She looked at me with concern-filled eyes. “Does this have anything to do with Lio?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t really want to get into it, but I also had no one to talk to about it. She was the closest person to me in this life, and in Penelope’s, if the memories were any indication.

  “A little. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but he and I haven’t exactly been as buddy-buddy as we were before he left,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Besides, he has Taylor now, so what does he need me for?”

  “Ever, you don’t actually believe that do you?” She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me an encouraging squeeze. “It’s Christmas Eve, so I’ll tell you what, when you’re ready we can talk about it, and if you want to leave this thing early, we will. I just think you need to try.”

  I swallowed back a burn in my throat and gave her a close-lipped smile.

  “Ever, I’m going to let you in on a little survival secret.”

  “What’s that?”

  “If you run and hide from the things that hurt you, you won’t survive when you’re forced to face them head on.”

  I let her words sink into my core, and I absorbed them, repeating them over in my head.

  She had a point, a really good point.

  If I continued to hide from Lio, how would I get through more family functions where I was forced to be near him. I was upset now, sure, but I knew that five years from now—heck, even less than that—that he and I would be back to where we started and none of this would matter, not as much as it did then.

  “Okay.” I was determined. “Let’s go to this thing, shall we?”

  “We shall,” she said, smiling. “You look beautiful, Everly. I swear your light shines brighter every day.”

  How Emily knew so many people was a mystery to me. I wasn’t the most social; I liked my alone time and willingly isolated myself from the outside world. It was too much for me to try to set down too many roots in this life, especially when admittedly I was still unsure of my future here and whether or not it was something stable.

  People mingled throughout the room, laughing, chatting, smiling, and genuinely having a good time. There were Christmas decorations strewn in and on every surface of the living room and the Christmas tree stood tall in its own corner, drawing my attention like some sort of beacon. The star on top glowed bright, and I immediately reached for the small piece of gold that hung from my neck.

  I missed him, of course I did, but you didn’t lie to your best friend, not unless you had something to hide, something you didn’t trust them with.

  “Claire, Everly, I’m so glad you’re here,” Emily said, excitement clear all over her red face.

  “You’re flushed.” I observed, laughing lightly. “Did you already get into the wine?”

  “You know I did, it’s my weakness, but don’t tell Elliot or his dad because they would probably try to cut me off,” she said, giggling into her hands.

  Claire shook her head, biting back her own laughter. “What do you say you show me where that wine is?”

  “Oh yes, of course, I know how much you love it too.”

  They turned to leave, and I turned my attention back toward the tree. I politely smiled at the other guests—some I recognized, others I didn’t—and walked across the room until I was standing as close as I could in front of the glowing lights and ornaments. My eyes slowly trailed up the tree until they latched onto the star again.

  For me, stars signified hope. They represented something bigger than me, than everyone in this room, and made it easier to breathe in the possibility of tomorrow.

  I needed to believe. Otherwise what was the point of all of this? Why was I thrown into this life while being forced to relive the memories from my past one? And the question that kept me up most nights: Why was I thrown into the same life I left but as an entirely new person?

  I didn’t understand it, no matter how hard I tried. I mean, how could I? I had no answers and no one to get them from.

  I was stuck and it might not have seemed like much, but I really was trying to make the most of it—whatever this was.

  “I should have known I would find you here.”

  At the sound of his voice, I dropped my hand from the necklace like I had been burned and continued staring up at the star.

  All this time and that’s what he chose to lead with? Typical.

  “You look beautiful tonight, Ever.” He stood closer to me, so close that his breath fanned against the side of my neck as he spoke.

  I grunted in response and ignored the way my heart sped up at his compliment. Sweet nothings weren’t going to automatically grant him forgiveness. For months he had lied to me.

  You’ve been lying to him for eighteen years, the tiny, rational—sometimes irrational—voice inside my head said.

  That wasn’t the same. My secret was one that no one else would understand. I knew I would get side eyes and judgmental whispers.

  I had no choice but to keep this to myself. It was one of the only sure ways I knew how to survive as Everly.

  “I debated coming home or not,” he said quietly. “I tried getting out of it, but my parents wanted me home for a few days.”

  I turned and narrowed my eyes at him. He couldn’t be serious.

  “I know you’re upset with me, and I didn’t want to piss you off even more by being here, so I promised myself I would leave you alone.”

  He looked visibly pained to be confessing that to me. I ignored my hearts urge to apologize and stared blankly at him.

  “Yet here you are.” My tone was tight and annoyed, a complete contradiction to the fear and hurt I was feeling.

  His shoulders dropped, and his eyes widened a fraction. He looked relieved that I had finally said anything to him at all, mindless of the irritation I was throwing his way.

  “I think I’ve proven lately that keeping promises to myself isn’t one of my strong suits,” he said, shaking his head. He reached for me, but I took a step back and raised a confused eyebrow at him. “I promised myself I would never hurt you, and that’s exactly what I did the first chance I got.”

  “You said you were happy, I can’t really be angry with you about that now, can I?”

  “Then why the cold shoulder?”

  “Because you lied,” said angrily. “For months you kept this from me, and while I was waiting for you to return to me you were falling in love with someone else.”

  He visibly flinched. “It isn’t like that—”

  “Isn’t it?” I accused. “Why else would you keep something like this from me? If someone had asked me before where I felt the most safe and protected, I would have told them that I felt most safe and protected with you, Lio, but that’s not true anymore. I’m not even sure it ever was.”

  “Oh, come on, Ever. Don’t discredit our whole friendship over some
girl.”

  “I’m sure she’s not just some girl, otherwise you would have at least mentioned her.”

  “I didn’t exactly lie. Sure, I didn’t verbally say anything to you, but she posts shit about me all the time. I know you can see tagged photos and all that crap. Why are you acting like I intentionally hid this?”

  “Because you did.” I raised my voice, and my stomach twisted in on itself. “I don’t live online like most other people do. And I shouldn’t have to stalk social media as a way to know what my best friend has been up to. You’re grasping at straws right now, Lio, and I’m not going to stand here while you throw more bull my way.”

  His eyes watered, and I looked over his shoulder. A pretty, petite blond in a red, strapless dress was walking over to us—to him.

  I briefly closed my eyes, more hurt taking root in my heart. “You said it wasn’t like that, but it sure seems like it is.”

  Before he could question what I was saying, Taylor, Lio’s whoever, laced her arm through his and gave me a genuine, toothy smile.

  I briefly smiled back and looked back at Lio, whose face looked conflicted. His eyebrows pulled together, and he looked like he was about to say something. But I didn’t want to hear it. I threw a quick glance at Taylor before focusing my attention back on Lio.

  “Have a nice night, you two. I’ve suddenly got somewhere else to be,” I murmured as I walked past them.

  I sent Claire a quick text, letting her know I was heading home. It was a short walk, but I realized I didn’t want to spend the night before Christmas alone and called the one person I knew would answer, even though we hadn’t spoken since graduation day.

  “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” I asked as soon as it stopped ringing. “Want to meet me somewhere?”

  “A cemetery, Everly. Really?”

  I turned toward the voice, a well-practiced smile ready on my face, and stood up from the tree I was leaning against. “Afraid of a few headstones?”

  “Yeah, more like a few hundred.” He mumbled before throwing his arms around me in the type of hug I’m sure would have made any other girl melt.

  He pulled away from me. “You look good, Jeremy. I’m sure you’ve got all the girls chasing you.”

  He laughed. “None that I want. Besides, I like being the chaser not the chased.”

  “Ah, I see, so you’re a man who enjoys the chase.” I jokingly tsked. “Good to know.”

  “I like a good challenge as much as the next person, Ever, especially one like you.”

  “Me? A challenge?” I smirked at him and shook my head in mock denial. “Never.”

  I reached forward and tugged his body against mine as I leaned further into the tree. Jeremy smiled and used his arms to hold himself away from me.

  “What are you doing Ever?” He asked, wary of my intentions. As he should be. They weren’t pure. Far from it, actually.

  “Politely asking for my Christmas present,” I said softly. I placed my hands on either side of his face and gently pulled his lips toward mine. “Please?”

  “What did you ask for this year?” He asked, his breath fanning against my face. My eyes fluttered closed for a brief moment before opening up again and staring into his eyes.

  “Tonight I asked for you,” I whispered before pressing my mouth firmly against his.

  His hands moved down toward my hips, gripping my body and pulling it flush against his. His lips moved urgently against mine, and I kissed him back just as fiercely. My body tingled from something I didn’t want to admit to myself, and I got lost in his touch. His fingers moved further down and played with the hem of my dress, grazing my skin.

  “What did you ask for this year?” I whispered against his lips.

  “Tonight I asked for you,” he said, repeating my own words back to me.

  “Good answer,” I said before pulling his lips back to mine.

  Jeremy had always been a good time, a physical connection that made forgetting easy.

  I shut my heart off, ignoring its pleas and gave into my body’s needs instead. I wanted to forget about Lio and Taylor and about the way he had betrayed our friendship.

  Was I being irrational? Maybe.

  Did I care? Wholeheartedly.

  So why was I pushing Lio away? Well, pride is a fickle thing sometimes.

  Jeremy was the perfect regret, one that made it easy for my head and heart to shut off. My body was front and center, ready and willing to fulfill the line of physical need that Jeremy and I had never crossed before. It was a line Lio and I had rarely crossed too. I know it meant more, that Lio gave me his heart in place of his body, but even his heart felt out of reach, and Jeremy was closer than he had been in a really long time.

  “I need this.” I groaned against him.

  “Me too.”

  His lips moved to my neck and his hands traveled up my dress. Tonight was about feeling and the way his body moved against mine made me feel a lot. I felt it all.

  I would worry about the consequences tomorrow, but for now, a regret had never come so easy.

  “Penny, it’s Christmas morning!” Lala jumped on my bed and squealed with excitement. She was practically bursting.

  “Merry Christmas, Lala.” I pressed a kiss against her head.

  “Merry Christmas, Penny.” She clapped her hands and ran toward the door. “Are you coming down? Mom and dad are waiting on you.”

  “You bet I am, and the first one there gets to open presents first so you better hurry.”

  “You’re on!”

  I smiled at the sound of her laughter and heavy footsteps as she ran to the living room.

  “Claire, be careful, you’ll break something.” My dad chided.

  I shook my head and laughed. They were too much sometimes, but they were mine, and I never wanted that to go away.

  “Penelope, are you coming? Your sister’s about to explode if she doesn’t open a present soon!” My mom yelled for me.

  “Coming!”

  I woke up with a smile. That’s right. A real. Freaking. Smile. And a genuine one at that.

  As reluctant as I was to admit it, I had centered my world around Lio for so long that my emotions were determined based on where he was at in life versus where I was. I hadn’t realized the truth in that until now. Maybe I was just in denial. I didn’t like the idea of one person being responsible for my happiness when I should have been in charge of my own. And starting now I would be.

  I had also realized that whenever I was with Jeremy, Lio almost ceased to exist. No other guy had been able to do that. Even after the first time I had sex, the first person I thought of—well, the only person I thought of, even during, was Lio, and that isn’t the way things are supposed to be.

  I stretched out my limbs, the ache in my muscles a reminder of what Jeremy and I had done the night before.

  I closed my eyes, tracing the parts of my skin that his own hands had touched. A giggle escape and my eyes flew open. I wasn’t a giggler, but I was giddy, almost high on life. He had been a good distraction.

  “Maybe you need more nights like that,” I whispered to myself.

  Imagine what two, three, five, or months of nights would do, my inner vixen chimed in.

  I shook my head.

  No.

  It was one night, one I wouldn’t be repeating anytime soon.

  Not with him anyway.

  I couldn’t, could I?

  No. Definitely not.

  Well, maybe.

  Ugh.

  “Everly, it’s Christmas!” Claire announced as she skipped into my room.

  I sat up on my bed and eyed the small neatly wrapped square box in her hands.

  “What do you have there?” I asked half suspicious and half excited, mostly excited though.

  “Elliot gave this to me to give to you after you ran off last night.” She sounded concerned.

  I waved her off. “It was nothing. I just needed some air.”

  “You didn’t get home until after two,
Ever. Where were you?”

  She wasn’t asking to pry, she was asking because she was worried, which is why I chose to be honest with her.

  I sighed. “I was with Jeremy. After my argument or whatever with Lio, I needed a distraction, and I knew Jeremy was home for the holiday, so I gave him a call. I was safe, I promise.”

  “Is this the same Jeremy who used to hang out with Elliot almost as much as you did?”

  “Yeah,” I said sheepishly. “They were good friends, but then Jeremy and I started to have a...thing, and Lio didn’t like that, so I broke things off with him.”

  “But you went back to him last night?” She asked, trying to keep up. I couldn’t blame her. I could barely keep up with my own nonexistent love life.

  “Yeah,” I said, remembering the way his body molded with mine, almost like he was meant to be there. A shiver ran down my spine. “It was sort of spur of the moment. We’ve always had really good chemistry and whenever I call, he always shows up. It’s selfish, but I have fun with him.”

  “So, you use him when he’s convenient for you?” She questioned.

  Claire wasn’t judging me, she was just asking, and I couldn’t fault her for that. I would want to know what my daughter was up to in the middle of the night too.

  “It sounds horrible, I know, but I’m not the only one getting something out of it.” I paused. “Well, that sounds horrible too, but I really don’t know what I’m doing.”

  “That’s okay.” She reached out and gave my hand an encouraging squeeze. “That’s what life's all about, learning along the way.”

  I soaked in her words.

  Life is about learning along the way.

  I was learning how to live twice, but I remembered so little about Penelope that this life really was a true second chance, a rare do over. One that I needed to stop taking for granted.

  I had this speech with myself a million times a day, but the longer I lived this life the more I meant it, the more determined I was to make it a reality. I wanted to love this life, and it wasn’t too late for that to happen.

  I was learning along the way. Like Claire basically said, we all were.