Love My Crazy

by Rachel Medhurst

  “Where you going, girly…?” Tommy said putting his arm around my shoulders. I shrugged him off and slapped his arse…hard.

  “For a smoke.”

  I laughed as he jumped up and down, rubbing his bright red arse cheek.

  “I’ll join you.” Jack followed me as I walked out the building. “He can be such a knob sometimes.” He handed me a cigarette and lighter.

  “Thanks. Yeah, but that’s just him, ain’t it?”

  I sat on a bench. People went in and out, going about their nice day. I bet they had lovely happy homes. I bet their parents paid for them to go there and learn all the stuff they needed so they could grow up and have wonderful adulthoods too. Lucky gits.

  “Yeah I know, it’s just sometimes…I don’t know…” He blew smoke rings. I stayed silent as we watched them fade away.

  “We got to stick with our own, Jack. That’s what we’ve always said, ain’t it?”

  What an effing hypocrite I was. What a bitch. Not two minutes before, I pondered on the immaturity of Tommy and his arse. Now, I preached to Jack cos he said the same thing.

  “You signing up for anything?”

  Jack had a soft heart. He was Tommy’s right hand man. His shadow. His puppet.

  “Nah, I ain’t cut out for anything in there.” I glared at a girl as she eyed up Jack. She rolled her eyes at me so I went to stand up.

  Tommy came out of the building, walked over to her and grabbed her arm.

  “You looking at my boyfriend…?” His face was serious as she ripped her arm out of his grip and ran away.

  “Why’d you do that, man? I could’ve pulled there. You guys are not cool! Why ain’t we allowed to have other friends or even a girlfriend? Ain’t like you and Tiff will have sex with us, is it?” Jack stood, looking down at me.

  Tommy sat down and threw his arm around my shoulder. I left it there. He was no threat when he was sober.

  “Eww, no way, José. No offence, dude, but we’re like family. That’s why I get so peed off when Tommy gets touchy-feely when he’s drunk. It’s like incest.”

  Get in there. I’d shocked them with my words. Jack had his mouth open. The hand that Tommy had been using to tap on my arm went completely still. Slowly, the weight fell away from my shoulder. I had to burst out laughing.

  “You’re sick, woman,” Jack chuckled. It was nice to see Tommy speechless, even if it was just for a moment.

  “You really feel that way, Nat?” Tommy said, his face serious for once in his life.

  “You’re like my brother, man.” I huffed, stood up and walked away. I heard Jack tell Tommy to leave me alone. I was done for today. I carried on, my steps gathering speed as I walked across the car park.

  “Yo, Nat, I can’t be your brother cos I shagged your mum last night!” Tommy shouted at me. I spun around. My face burned and a red haze settled over my sight.

  “Then you should be arrested, cos she’s off her fucking head, so you must have raped her!” I screamed the words at the top of my lungs and then ran.

  My legs carried me as fast as I could run. I had no idea what direction I was going in. Tears joined the red haze and clouded my vision. The only thing that stopped me from going towards Tommy and beating the shit out of his ugly face, was the pity that I’d see when they looked at me.

  My lungs started to burn. I headed towards my rock. No one knew that place. No one knew that I went there by myself to think. I would be safe.

  The pent up energy drained from me. The anger seeped out from the soles of my feet. What a tosspot arsehole. I was sick and tired of that idiot. The words he’d said floated back into my mind and gave me enough anger to spurt me forward again.

  I ducked through the playing field and on towards the trees that lined it. Slipping through the gap, I entered the little wood. It was just a small area of trees, but I always felt calmer as soon as I got under the shade.

  Why the hell had I said that? Why had I told them? It had been a while since my mum had been ill, but last time they’d all been so nice. What’s the point of that? It was life, wasn’t it? I just had to get on with it. I collapsed on my rock, letting the tears come. There was no way to stop the little gits as they burst from me. I couldn’t hold them in.

  What was I going to do? I would have to stay with my mum forever. Dick didn’t know how to tell the difference between a normal person who picked their nose and a mad one who used a knife to do it. Not that my mum did that, but he was so stupid, he wouldn’t know what to look for. Would my life ever change?

  I wiped my face. The feeling that settled in my chest ate away at the organ that insisted on beating. Sometimes I wondered if I’d ever have the guts to make the beating stop. I shook my head. I was too much of a wimp to do something like that. Who would look after mum if I was gone?

  I stood up. It was time to head home. I needed a nice hot bath with a book. Some escapism was called for.

  Chapter Five

  “Did you manage to have a think about what I said?”

  I recognised weirdo’s voice before I even looked up from the magazine. I was on my lunch break at work. Sometimes, I caught up on the latest celeb gossip while I drank a lovely hot chocolate. Mint was my favourite, so I always doubled the shot. I was just debating whether to ignore him, and pretend that I hadn’t heard him, when he grabbed the magazine and pulled it away.

  “Hey, what you doing that for…?”

  He took it over to the bin and shoved it in, never to be seen by my eyes again. I sat with my mouth open, catching flies. Seriously, that’s how shocked I was. What the bloody hell did he think he was playing at? If that had been someone else, I would’ve hit them. But, no…not him. For whatever reason, I let him treat me like an idiot.

  “Your brain needs better stimulation than that crap.” He sat down and picked up my drink.

  “Oh, no, you don’t!” I cried, reaching out and taking it back, being careful not to spill it. He laughed as he leant forward.

  “So?”

  “So, what…?” I drank the rest of my chocolate in one go. The git wasn’t getting the better of me again.

  “You have a choice, Natalie,” he whispered.

  I looked around us. There was no one in hearing distance. Collette was busy making coffee.

  “Look, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be thinking about. Yes, I have a choice. I can choose to get up and walk away from you right now. I can choose to punch you in the face for throwing away my mag and I can choose to…to…”

  “So why don’t you?” He sat back and crossed his arms over his - probably smooth - chest as he watched me. He was wearing jeans and a red hoody. Nice and casual.

  “Cos I can’t be arsed.”

  “Is that why you don’t change anything else?” He raised his eyebrows.

  Tiff would have a field day with his eyebrows. They were bigger than my slugs and twice as dark. Men were supposed to have big eyebrows compared to women, but I wanted to try and make myself feel better.

  What was the boy going on about? I wondered if he stayed at the crisis house with my mother. Maybe they’d concocted a plan. I wouldn’t have a clue what plan they’d come up with, though, cos I wasn’t getting his motive, if I was really bloody honest with myself. And I hardly ever was. Honesty was a harsh reality if you let it in. I prefer to bury it in the ground with a shovel and a cross.

  Where the bloody hell had the boy come from, anyway? What made him think he knew so much about my life?

  “Bugger off, will you?” I smiled nicely at him to try and persuade him that I wasn’t interested in whatever the hell he was going on about.

  He cringed slightly. I don’t think he’d ever seen me smile. He was probably wincing because I didn’t know how to smile, so I’d probably just pulled a strange face at him. Oh well, I didn’t care. The boy was starting to bore my brain out.

  “No. You have a choice to live life the way you want to. You chose to rob a shop,” he whispered the last part of the sentence, which was
a bit of luck, cos my foot would’ve slammed into his shin otherwise.

  “Look…”

  “You choose to work here every day. You choose to be the parent to your mum.” He grabbed my fist and held it tight just as I was about to extend it. “You have the choice to feel sorry for yourself and to believe that the world isn’t fair. You have the choice to think that everyone is out to get you, to push everyone away, and to lay the blame of your shit life on everything else. Everything else, bar you. See, you have a choice.”

  He let go of my hand and stood. I knew my face was red. I could feel my breath coming in deep. A burning sensation started from the top of my head and flushed its way down my whole body. My muscles started to shake.

  That was the moment my mates walked through the door. They laughed and joked as they headed towards the counter. Tiff saw me and waved.

  “Now, have a think about what I’ve said,” the boy said.

  I didn’t even know the bastard’s name. How dare he?

  He didn’t say anything else as he turned and walked out of the shop. The others came over and sat at my table.

  “You okay, Nat? You’re looking a bit peed off.” Jack shoved a slice of cake into his mouth and started chewing.

  “You’re fucking gross,” I snapped, jumping up.

  I was about to storm off when Tommy grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back onto my chair.

  “Oh, no, you don’t. Look, I wanted to say sorry. I didn’t know, did I? If I’d known your mum wasn’t well, I would never have said anything. You know that!” He was sincere, I could hear it.

  My anger melted as he pulled me into his arms and let me rest my head on his shoulder.

  “We’re a family, girl, you know it. There ain’t no need to hide anything from any of us.”

  The others nodded their agreement. I smiled at them. They were right. They were my family, and they’d always been there, through thick and thin. None of us had a normal home life, so we had always tried to support each other. I’d started to forget that for some reason. It was time I fit back into my group.

  “There you go, girl, feel better? We was thinking about going clubbing tonight. What you reckon?” Tommy pushed me away from him and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. Lighting it up, he sneered at Collette as she went to come over.

  “Put it out, man, or I’ll lose my job!”

  “Nah, you won’t. I’d burn the place down if you do,” he said in a loud voice.

  I grabbed it from his fingers and stubbed it out on the plastic table. I glared at him as he went to say something.

  “This is home turf! I need to feed myself, ain’t it?” I pushed past him to go and apologise to my colleague, who was looking a little red on her creamy cheeks.

  “Okay, okay, sorry…” Tommy stood and gestured for everyone else to follow.

  They left, telling me to meet them later. Tommy could be funny but not when it was in my own shop. Usually, I would’ve laughed at his antics, but the words of the cute boy….Cute? Who said that? Not me, no…I meant the words of the weirdo came back to me.

  I didn’t feel sorry for myself, cheeky bugger. Life was shite and unfair. I bet he’d never had a problem in his life. He was lucky. Usually, I saw red and punched the crap out of people who dared to rile me up that way.

  “Why do you hang around with them?” Collette broke into my thoughts as I turned back to the till to serve a customer. Lar-tay…ooo, err, missus. She’d even pronounced it posh and everything. I handed the lady her change and told her that we’d bring it over. I didn’t want her to listen to our conversation. Nosy posh lady.

  “Cos they’re all I got, ain’t it?”

  I didn’t look at her. In fact, I wasn’t sure why I even bothered to answer her in the first place. She was just as nosy as nosy posh face who now watched us from her table. Maybe she fancied me. I was just so god dammed sexy. I laughed to myself. Yeah, alright love. What was going on with my thought patterns?

  “Surely not, you’re a great person. You must have some friends who are nice…” Her words trailed off as I looked at her.

  She must have seen the threat in my eyes, cos she hurried away with the recent order. What was it with peeps criticising my choice of friends today? If I wasn’t careful, I’d see red and fly at whoever spoke to me next. Why didn’t people just leave me the hell alone?

  Chapter Six

  “What the hell are you doing with that?” I shouted at Tommy.

  We were outside the club. We’d just been thrown out for fighting. The lad that Tommy had started on stood in front of us. The bouncers had literally bounced back inside the club as soon as we were out of it.

  I’d just noticed that Tommy had a knife in his hand, and I was shitting bricks. It had been fun to get into a fight inside. I needed to release the pent up anger. The boy had grabbed Tiff’s arse, so he deserved a beating. We hadn’t got very far before we were interrupted by the bouncer brigade. A knife was a-whole-nother level, though. It was dangerous stuff.

  “No one messes with any of us.” Tommy took a step towards the boy.

  Outside, I could see that he was our age. His hair was long and tied back. He was very good looking. That’s obviously why he thought he could just grab our girl. Well, he shouldn’t get away with it, but he didn’t deserve to be shafted.

  “Don’t be stupid, Tommy,” Tiff called.

  She stepped back a few times, almost tripping in her stupidly high heels. Why did girls wear them? You couldn’t walk or run in them, they killed your bloody feet, and all in the name of what? Height…? Bloody idiots.

  “He needs to get what he deserves. He’ll just do it again, otherwise.”

  Tommy took another step. The boy didn’t back down, but his gaze stayed attached to the blade that flashed in the street light.

  “Boy, you’ll go to jail. Don’t do this, man.” Jack tried to keep his voice low. Even his own best boy couldn’t support our leader in his ridiculous quest.

  “Shut the fuck up, will you?” Tommy screamed.

  The stranger threw up his middle finger and turned to run away. Wrong thing to do, stupid twat! Tommy flew into motion. He was the fastest runner I knew. Sometimes, I thought it was a shame that he didn’t get into sport when he’d bothered to go to school. He was really good at it.

  I froze, unable to move. Shit, the kid was going to get it. Tiff screamed. Her high heels clicked on the ground as she ran away.

  I couldn’t find it in myself to believe that Tommy wouldn’t use the knife on him. Two seconds later, my fears were confirmed. Tommy descended on the boy, his arm thrust out. The blade was there one minute and hidden in clothes the next. The grunt followed by the cry that came from the lad made me heave. Oh my effing god, he had just stabbed him.

  Tommy spun around, grabbed Jack who stood nearby, and took off. The boy fell to the ground as soon as my friend released him. I stood motionless as his limbs collapsed.

  “Come on, Nat, get the fuck out of here,” Jack shouted.

  They disappeared down the dark street. Tommy dragged Jack along by his coat. They thought I followed them, but I didn’t. I couldn’t move. He was completely still on the floor. My weirdo’s face flashed in my mind and I shook my head. Shit…I had a choice.

  Taking my phone out, I dialled for an ambulance. Running over to the boy, I turned him gently. I probably shouldn’t have touched him, but I wanted to lay him on my lap. The phone connected. I screamed at them to help, telling them where we were before putting my phone away.

  I had to get out of there before the ambulance came. There was no way I could tell them what went on. Putting my hand on the boy’s chest, I sighed as it rose and fell. Good, he was still breathing. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His face screwed up as he grasped his side. I pushed him gently off my lap and onto the floor.

  “Why did you stay?” he gasped, groaning.

  I got to my feet and looked down at him. Quite a bit of blood had seeped onto his t-shirt. What the bloody hell did I do?
I heard footsteps approaching. Crap, I was out of there.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Taking one last look at him, I turned away. I sprinted as fast as I could, not looking back. He would be okay. I convinced myself that the person the footsteps belonged to would find him and help him until the ambulance came. I couldn’t be there. What would I tell the police? I couldn’t grass on Tommy, but I was absolutely rubbish at lying.

  I didn’t stop running until I got home. I didn’t look behind; I didn’t look to the sides. I just kept going. I was half way down my street when I realised that tears were streaming down my face and my phone was ringing. Putting my hand in my pocket, I pulled out my mobile and keys. Tommy’s name flashed on the screen as I hesitated by the front door. I hit the green answer button at the same time as I put my key in the lock and crept into the house. I didn’t say anything until I had the door completely closed. I could hear Tommy calling my name through the speaker.

  “What…the…fuck…was…that?” I said quietly.

  He went silent as the shock of my words hit his ear.

  “He deserved it,” he said. His voice was low.

  I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. Sinking onto the wooden chair, and leaning my forehead against the cool dining table, I let my breath huff out of my lungs.

  “No he didn’t. How dare you risk taking someone’s life? You have the power to play God now, do you? You decide if someone dies?” I shouted as I lifted my head from the table.

  My hands shook so much, I struggled to keep the phone next to my ear. A slow heat started at my feet and made its way up my body. The vibrations of my muscles got stronger and stronger. My vision was so blurred, I closed my eyes to let the water escape.

  “He’s dead? Shit, I killed him? Seriously…? Oh, fuck, Nat, did the police come? Shit, I’m going to jail!” His voice was rushed.

  That was it. The worry he felt for himself was the last straw. I screamed a huge long sound and flung my phone as hard as I could. It smashed against the cupboard door. Different parts of it exploded, raining down onto the floor. I still screamed. My hands were in the air as I let it all out.