SSM01 - School Lunch is Murder

by Zelenka, Cheryl

  “Helicopter parents…they are such a challenge!”

  “What? What about helicopter parents? We aren’t talking about Kathy Crispman, yet.”

  “Yet? What about our head cook?” Sadie decided she needed to seek Kathy out after all the students were served lunch. She was curious about the “holistic” remedy she had mentioned for hot flashes. At this point, any suggestion would be welcome. She was sick and tired of her lighthouse impression.

  “Okay, I don’t have much on Ms. Crispman. I just know her brother owns a large custodial business and is worth millions. He lives up in Portland and never married. Kathy had a big falling out with Mr. Crispman nearly four years ago, but he has remained close to her son, your Dustin Ferril. And since he has no kids of his own, rumor has it Dustin will inherit the custodial business when he passes away. Mr. Crispman is in very poor health, due to advanced ALS. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis which is also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.”

  “First of all, Dora, get this straight. Dustin Ferril is not my Dustin Ferril. He belongs to Fort Follyfield. And, amiga, I know how devastating ALS is and wouldn’t wish that disease on anyone.”

  Dora threw her hands up in the air; glad Sadie couldn’t see her irritation. Sometimes her friend was a bit too defensive.

  “Second, you are investigating Kathy…and I assume Dustin too…because they have a relative with a lot of money? Tell me, how does that information play into the death of our poor Miss Quiche.” She looked around for Edith. She spotted her close by. She seemed to be listening to her conversation with Dora while slowly putting books into a freestanding bookcase that rotated.

  “Sadie, whenever money is in a pot, something is brewing. It may have nothing to do with Penny’s death, but I’ve been trained to investigate everything, and I have questions for those two that have yet to be answered.”

  Sadie checked the clock. Recess would be over in 10 minutes and she still had to run to the ladies room. Thankfully, her two parent volunteers went outside with their kids, so she had the library to herself. Well, except for Edith. “Dora, I had another dream last night. Miss Quiche pointed at Dustin Ferril. That big engagement ring was still on her right finger.”

  She heard a growl escape from Edith, who then quickly walked out the library door. Taking note of her reaction, Sadie went on, “I also spoke with Lilly after our morning staff meeting. We’re grabbing a quiet dinner at the Laughing Clam tonight. I’m hoping to mend our broken relationship. I can’t believe she is on your suspect list!” Glancing at the clock, there were now only eight minutes before she’d have to pick the kids up from recess.

  “Sister-Friend, you do have some weird and intense dreams!” Dora was as close as any blood sister and Sadie smiled at her endearment.

  “Oh, you don’t know the half of it. I still have a salad chasing me!” Dora chuckled and continued her report by sharing some details about Mr. Blahart.

  “I’ve noticed nobody calls Mr. Blahart by his first name. Not even Principal Pardon. Do you even know his first name?”

  “Umm, ha, no…I don’t! He always introduces himself as Mr. Blahart and refers to himself in the first person. You know, ‘Mr. Blahart is hungry. I guess he better grab some lunch.’ Weird, right?”

  “Well, let’s say highly unusual for a man in his early 30s. Just so you know, his name is Thomas but his mom still calls him Tommy.”

  “Mr. Blahart dated Penny Quiche for two months. They met at the YMCA over the summer. They both enjoyed swimming laps and relaxing in the hot tub after their swim. I’ve got witnesses confirming that some very friendly moments of affection took place in that hot tub.”

  Public displays of affection, like holding hands or a quick kiss were sweet in Sadie’s eyes. But a hot and heavy make-out session in the YMCA Jacuzzi was creepy. Teachers were expected to be above reproach. They were pillars in society and everyone presumed they had the best moral character. They were role models in a community, especially in a small city like Rogue Valley. A lot of parents and students from Fort Follyfield belonged to the YMCA. Sadie wondered if any of them had witnessed the shenanigans of these two teachers.

  “I know you have to pick your kids up in just a few minutes, so I’ll tell you about Lilly when school lets out for the day. I have an officer checking on a few things concerning her possible motive in this case. Hopefully, I can clear up some facts by this afternoon and take her off my suspect list. I hate investigating friends. Anyway, let me finish with Mr. Blahart, I mean Tommy. Ha! Tommy Blahart. Boy, what a name! I bet he was teased a lot while growing up.”

  Sadie could tell her friend was a bit slaphappy, probably due to sleep deprivation. Dora had an incredible work ethic and Sadie predicted she was up most of last night working on the investigation.

  “Well, Tommy Blahart—Haha!”

  “Come on Dora, hold it together!”

  “Um yes, Sorry! I think I need a fourth cup of coffee. I have to shake off my giggles. Anyway, according to his mom, he was crushed when Penny returned his engagement ring and called things off. He was furious she threw him over for a custodian. Apparently he considered himself a better catch because of his Master’s degree. Men, it isn’t just about education, money, and power with us ladies, right?”

  “Absolutely!” Sadie imagined giving Dora a high five.

  “But if she returned his ring, whose ring was she wearing when she was murdered? Is it possible that after only a month of dating, Dustin Ferril proposed?”

  Dora acknowledged her friend’s logic. “Good question! At least we know Mr. Blahart didn’t kill her to get his ring back! Remember, Hart’s gave him a full refund.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. Hey, here’s another thought. Do men kill with poison? I mean, I thought I read somewhere that poison was a woman’s means of ridding themselves of an undesirable.”

  Dora was delighted with Sadie’s amateur sleuthing skills and knowledge.

  “Well, yes. Poison is more of a lady’s weapon, although females use guns and knives more often. Men commit so many more murders than women, 90% more, that statistically more poisonings are done by men, simply because a significantly larger number of men murder. But the stats do show women killers are seven times as likely to use poison as men. So, at this point, we can’t rule out male suspects, even though poison is more of a woman’s sport.”

  “Wow, I’m impressed, Dora. You really know your stuff!”

  “Only now you’re figuring this out?” Sadie heard some giggling on the other end.

  “Ha! Well, I admit I can be a bit slow at times. Blame it on my perimenopause. Some victims of this malady say it causes brain death. Anyway, instead of calling me after school, could you come over to my house tonight? My dinner with Lilly should be finished by 5:30 and I’ll be home by 6:00. If I get to the house any later than six, Bosco Bill tries to chew my leg off. Does 6:15 work for you? Things are so busy here and I am a bit distracted with the kiddos. I want to hear all the details you dig up on Lilly. I sure hope she isn’t on your suspect list for very long.”

  “Me too. I know you like her, Sadie. I do too. Tonight will work for me. I’ll have another conversation with Mr. Blahart and see if he’s still mad about the breakup. It happened over a month ago, so maybe he’s moved on and has some information that can clear him from my suspect list. I’ll tell him to visit the police station after school, and let Principal Pardon in on why Tommy should be excused right after school is dismissed.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Please don’t call Mr. Blahart, Tommy. He won’t like it.”

  “Exactamente! I’m gonna use his first name on purpose to see if I can get a rise out of him. I need to know if he has a loose fuse.”

  The two friends hung up. Sadie had one minute to run to the restroom before the whistle blew signaling recess was over.

  CHAPTER NINE: Mrs. Quibble Shares Some Gossip

  The rest of the morning flew by. Sadie was having a great time, even though the number of students was a bit overwhelming. One li
ttle girl came over for a hug and said her sister had been in Sadie’s class four years ago. “She tells everybody you are still her favorite teacher of all time!”

  Sadie smiled, “Thank you, dear. Be sure you tell your sissy I said hi!”

  The child nodded her head then sweetly skipped back to her station to finish her activity.

  At lunch, Sadie went to see if Ms. Crispman was free. She was dying to know the holistic medicine she had hinted about that morning. She found Kathy in the freezer putting away leftover chicken nuggets and hamburger meat.

  “Ms. Crispman, is there really a holistic remedy that can provide relief from these bloomin’ hot flashes? Lately, my dreaded lava flows have increased in frequency and they always seem to erupt at the most inopportune times!”

  Ms. Crispman appeared to smile, but it was hard to be sure. She was blunt and direct in her manner. “Listen, Ms. Sunshine, I’ve lived through those lava flows myself and I know how uncomfortable they are! That’s why I started growing Black Cohosh in my home garden, among other things. In fact, I just divided my rhizomes. That was a huge job. My back ached for a day and a half from all the bending over I did.” She reached for her lower back as if phantom pains were present.

  “I guess the funeral’s tomorrow, but why not stop by my house the day after? I’ll send you home with several rhizomes for your garden. It’ll take three years before they’re mature enough to harvest and use. The roots are the plant part that provides relief and healing. But you know what they say, good things are worth waiting for, right?”

  “What a generous offer! I’d love to visit your garden and I’ll gladly accept your rhizome gift. You know, I also enjoy growing unusual plants in my back yard and holistic recipes have recently become a new interest of mine. I’d like to add healing plants to my garden beds this spring.”

  Sadie’s last comment got Kathy’s full attention. Looking up from her apron she boasted, “Really? Well, I’m a holistic doctor! My garden is full of healing plants, and then some that could poison a two-timin’ no-good, double-dealing, wife-beatin’ dog of a man. But um, I won’t bore you with that part of my story.”

  Sadie swallowed hard, glad she wasn’t Kathy’s ex-husband. Hoping to get more information on this self-proclaimed holistic physician, she smiled and said, “So you went to school and become a holistic doctor? That’s wonderful!”

  “Well, I don’t have an actual certificate or license signed by the state of Oregon, so I guess I should say I’m a healer. Yes, I’m a holistic healer. Do you know what a college education costs these days? I’m self-educated.

  I made a Boo-Boo salve for Miss Wisp. She has an eczema problem. I got tired of hearing her yap about the condition during staff meetings. I mix Echinacea root, Yarrow, and Rosemary leaves in that recipe.”

  Sadie could see where her son had picked up his negative attitude and bad habit of complaining. “Have you treated any other staff members at Fort Follyfield?”

  Sure, let’s see…I gave Mrs. Quibble a calming tea for her son. He’s a nervous Nellie! Or should I say, Ned? I really don’t know how she puts up with such a whiney and high-strung child. Anyway, the tea I prescribed for her son is made from passionflowers. I have another anxiety recipe that uses St. John’s Wort, and a really potent remedy that calls for just a dash of hemlock.”

  Sadie’s ears were pricked at the mention of hemlock, but she kept her composure and didn’t comment. Ms. Crispman was certainly passionate about her holistic remedies and quite knowledgeable about their healing effects. They both agreed Sadie would drive out to her place the day after Penny’s funeral, sometime after 4 pm.

  She then walked over to the playground to pick up her students. They still had a busy afternoon of centers to finish and she wanted to end the day with a read aloud book. She was thinking either some poems by Shel Silverstein or a funny book like The Day the Crayons Quit.

  As soon as the recess whistle blew, her students ran into line. It was good to see their bright smiling faces. The students eagerly went back to the center activities and continued their good behavior, remaining focused on their work. By the end of the day, Sadie was confident she had learned the first names of the entire third-grade class at Fort Follyfied.

  While leading her students to the buses, Mrs. Quibble stepped up and joined her at the head of the line. It was obvious she wanted a private word with her, so Sadie quickly got her students in the proper bus lines and motioned Suzie to join her as she walked back to the library.

  “Suzie, I wanted to thank you for once again volunteering as our PTA President. I know it’s a challenging job, but you’ve done so much for Fort Follyfield! The fundraisers, like the jog-a-thon, really help to keep our school library up to date with the newest publications. I also know the teachers appreciate the check they receive from the PTA so they can purchase materials for special art projects.”

  Glowing with pride, Suzie gushed, “Well, I do like feeling useful. My son, Jude, means the world to me and I want him to have the very best education. That’s why I’m actually pleased he’ll have a different teacher for the rest of the year. No hope that it could be you by any chance? I do acknowledge the early demise of Miss Quiche is tragic, but in my opinion, she was simply hopeless as an educator. I could have done a better job teaching her third-grade class.”

  Not wanting to get caught up in school gossip or feed a negative and critical attitude, Sadie decided to squelch any possible rumor Mrs. Quibble was trying to start. There was no way she was coming out of retirement and taking over for poor Miss Quiche. Bosco Bill and Willow Cake would have none of that, and neither would she! Gold beach was still calling out to her and she was determined to take that week-long vacation, soaking up the beauty of the isolated coastline.

  “Suzie, I am very happily retired. I only came back as a long-term sub to do my friend Mandy Golden a favor. I prefer volunteering, but I may consider subbing a few days out of the year, just to keep my teaching license up to date. Aside from that, I keep busy with personal interests such as gardening, family, travel, and other hobbies. There are many outstanding educators seeking employment right now and I’m sure Jude will be thrilled with his sub tomorrow, and the new teacher hired to replace Miss Quiche.”

  Mrs. Quibble was not so easily put off. She followed Sadie into the library where she was packing up things and returning them to Mandy’s classroom. Edith Wisp was in the hallway with Dustin Ferril and Kathy Crispman as she moved her purse and some folders back into Mandy’s room.

  Now that looks like a melding of minds! I wonder what they’re up to and who’s the topic of their conversation. She was startled when all three suddenly looked over in her direction. It didn’t take much intuition to figure out that she was the topic. Dustin made a move to clean Mr. Blahart’s classroom, but when both ladies slipped in behind him she knew very little would get done that afternoon as far as cleaning.

  Meanwhile, Suzie Quibble had silently followed her into Mandy’s room. Sensing Sadie’s reluctance to chat, she pulled out a juicy piece of gossip hoping to gain her confidence and favor. She really didn’t know Sadie at all.

  “Ms. Sunshine, I’ve been meaning to speak with you privately about a bit of information that is highly sensitive. I tried to tell Principal Pardon about it this morning, but he cut me off and told me I’d have to make an appointment if he was to give it the proper attention it required. I just don’t have the time to wait for him to make time for me. Why, I think I may have a clue to who murdered Miss Quiche!”

  “Hmm, that would be helpful, Mrs. Quibble. Maybe you should share it with the police? Officer Flores is a smart lady and I’m sure she will know what to do with your information.”

  Dazed for only a second by Sadie’s complete lack of interest in gossip, Suzie ignored her suggestion to consult the police and continued. “Yesterday was chaos! Of all the days to get my hair done! My husband not only dropped Jude off for school that morning but turned around just an hour later to pick him back up when the
y closed the school.”

  Making a mental note of Mrs. Quibble’s absence from school yesterday, Sadie checked her watch. She had an hour before she needed to meet Lilly Pierce at the Laughing Clam. She sighed and decided the best way to get rid of Mrs. Quibble was to let her quibble.

  “Good grief, waiting for the 5 o’clock news to shed light on the whole school closure situation was completely frustrating. You would think the School District had a plan of action in place to keep parents better informed when situations like this arise.

  “Do you know the school answering machine was switched on and nobody answered the phone or returned calls yesterday? Honestly!” Mrs. Quibble took a breath and tried to compose herself. She took in Sadie’s stance, looking for any sign she was the slightest bit empathetic toward the inconvenience she had endured the day before. Seeing none, she continued.

  “Anywho, when I heard about Jude’s teacher dying, dying mind you, I immediately suspected foul play. You see, Miss Quiche was a very healthy woman, a vegetarian. She was also a long distance runner. I’d often see her running the school track after the buses left for the day. Did you know she was dating our custodian, Mr. Ferril? Well, here’s the thing, up until five weeks ago Mr. Ferril was Edith’s beau. They tried to hide their romance, but very little escapes my notice. I’m very observant! I saw them having dinner in Medford at McGraths Fish House. My family loves that place and apparently, they do too. Miss Wisp confided in me just a week ago that she was pregnant. She’s never had any romance in her life, so there’s no question Dustin is the baby’s father.”

  Sadie glanced up and asked, “So you think Edith or, maybe, Dustin killed Miss Quiche?”

  “Not Dustin, silly…Edith! Dustin doesn’t have the brains or the gumption to commit murder.”

  “Mrs. Quibble, be careful about spreading accusations you can’t prove!”

  Taking on a firm voice, Mrs. Quibble proceeded. “Look, Ms. Sunshine, Edith has a book in her office filled with holistic remedies and other information. When I looked inside the book, I noticed several pages were earmarked and handwritten notations were by many of the recipes. It had a white cover. You see, my son’s been anxious lately and I wanted to find a holistic tea to help him relax. He’s had a difficult time falling asleep. Second grade was so stressful for the dear. I noticed a long list of poisonous plants and suggestions on how to safely extract them from home gardens. Hemlock, Doll’s Eye, and Monkshood were on the list! They can all grow in Southern Oregon, I checked. Google is a wonderful tool.”