The Humans

by Stephen Karam

  DOWNSTAIRS: Brigid cleans up the mess, back and forth between the kitchen, soaking up the liquid and ringing out her kitchen towel in the sink, while Deirdre wheels Momo away from the mess and into the other downstairs room, calming her.

  UPSTAIRS: Richard arrives upstairs, notices Erik staring out the window.

  RICHARD

  You okay?

  ERIK

  Uh, yeah, just worried about the roads. It’s snowing out there . . .

  RICHARD

  (Looking out the window)

  Oh. No, I think someone from a higher floor just emptied their ashtray.

  Richard searches for the paper towels. Erik is glued to the window.

  DOWNSTAIRS: Deirdre has been helping Momo up and onto the couch.

  DEIRDRE

  There we go . . . / there we go . . .

  ERIK

  Hey make sure you get blinds up, will you? You don’t want people looking in on you . . .

  RICHARD

  Yeah, no I’m on it, this week I’ll put some up.

  Richard descends the staircase with the paper towels.

  DEIRDRE

  You feeling good, Mom? . . . now you can rest . . . there you go . . .

  (Seeing Richard clean up the last of the spill)

  Thanks, Rich . . . we got most of it . . .

  RICHARD

  Okay, no problem . . .

  UPSTAIRS: Aimee exits the bathroom, phone in hand. A bit nervous, she make a call. She doesn’t know Erik is in the next room.

  DOWNSTAIRS: Richard heads to the kitchen. Brigid’s back is to us, her hands on the sink counter. She rings out the towel, appears to be de-stressing, taking a moment for herself.

  AIMEE

  (On her cell)

  Hey, hi . . . Happy—I know—Happy Thanksgiving—

  I know, but—

  I know, I know . . .

  BRIGID

  Ahhh . . . [will we make it through dinner?]

  RICHARD

  Can I get you anything?

  AIMEE

  uh-huh . . .

  BRIGID

  Can I get you anything?

  . . . mm-hm . . .

  Richard kisses her, she smiles, he pulls her farther into the kitchen alley . . .

  UPSTAIRS: Aimee continues her phone conversation. In the next room, Erik listens.

  AIMEE

  I know, I know, I just thought the holidays could be an exception . . .

  . . . uh-huh . . . well sorry if—

  I understand, I just wanted to hear your—

  no I get it, I get it . . .

  I’m good, you know?, I’m okay . . . and you’re, are you upstate with the fam, or? . . .

  (Hurt, but not showing it)

  . . . oh . . . good for you . . .

  . . . no, I figured you were seeing someone . . . I saw your pics online—

  no I think it’s good . . . I’ve been dating too . . . so . . .

  yeah, nothing serious, but . . .

  AIMEE

  BRIGID

  . . . yeah, yeah . . .

  (Calling from the kitchen)

  Mom, does Momo need another shake?

  DEIRDRE

  Sure, let’s give it a try . . .

  Brigid disappears into the kitchen alley to get a shake out of the fridge.

  UPSTAIRS: Erik moves in a bit closer, listening to Aimee’s phone conversation.

  AIMEE

  . . . well hey, I’ll let you go, but glad you’re—

  . . . ha, I’ll tell them, ha, they will, they’ll appreciate that . . . so—

  absolutely, and love to your—

  exactly, Happy Thanksgiving and—

  (Hurt, but trying to keep things light)

  —well don’t wish me a Merry Chr—

  we can talk again before Christmas . . .

  DEIRDRE

  AIMEE

  (Laying Momo on the couch)

  . . . uh-huh . . .

  There you go . . . there you go . . .

  . . . yeah . . .

  DEIRDRE

  AIMEE

  Deirdre steps away from Momo

  to tell Brigid to forget the

  . . . uh-huh . . .

  Ensure shake, and catches a

  glimpse of Richard and Brigid

  enjoying a quiet moment—

  . . . uh-huh . . .

  they’re just visible in the kitchen

  alley. They are laughing about

  something. Richard kisses her

  forehead, then slaps her on the

  ass playfully. Richard disappears

  into the alley as she slaps his ass

  back. This stirs something inside

  Deirdre. She retreats back to

  the couch.

  AIMEE

  (Successfully fighting back tears)

  . . . huh, uh-huh . . . well maybe your therapist is right . . .

  . . . mm-hm . . .

  . . . just, the holidays feel . . . wrong, without us at least—[talking] . . .

  —no, I respect that . . .

  . . . yeah . . . well look, love to all your—

  . . . you too . . .

  I will, I’ll tell them . . .

  okay, you too . . . bye . . .

  Aimee hangs up. Erik knocks on the entryway.

  ERIK

  Hey . . .

  Aimee cries, unable to hold it in. Erik holds her.

  AIMEE

  Ugh . . . I miss her . . .

  ERIK

  Hey . . .

  AIMEE

  . . . all the time . . .

  ERIK

  . . . we know . . .

  DOWNSTAIRS: Brigid brings Deirdre and Momo a new Ensure shake with a freshly rinsed straw. But Momo is now half-asleep.

  DEIRDRE

  We’ll try later, she’s gonna sleep for a bit I bet . . .

  Deirdre adjusts Momo’s head, maybe with a memory-foam travel pillow they always take with them. Brigid returns the shake to the kitchen. Richard abandons dinner preparations and emerges from the kitchen alley with a bottle of wine.

  RICHARD

  AIMEE

  (Regarding the wine)

  Gimme a sec . . .

  May I . . .

  DEIRDRE

  Thanks, yeah . . .

  BRIGID

  UPSTAIRS:

  I wish you knew her before

  she got sick, Rich . . .

  Aimee breaks her embrace with

  Erik. She goes to the bathroom

  to get some toilet paper to wipe

  DEIRDRE

  her nose/dry her tears.

  She was something, she refused

  to quit driving, Rich, refused,

  but . . . six years ago?, Erik

  couldn’t bring himself to take

  the keys from her, so he got

  her to take a driver’s exam so

  the decision wouldn’t be on

  him, and part of the test is—

  DEIRDRE

  UPSTAIRS:

  they show her a picture of a

  Erik uses the moment alone

  “yield” sign, but without the

  to wander down the hallway

  word “yield” on it . . . well

  and stretch out his lower back,

  she can’t name it, so she goes

  which is bothering him.

  to the guy: “I dunno know

  what this sign’s called but

  I know what it means.” And

  the poor guy giving the test,

  he’s like: “Well then what

  would you do if you came

  across this sign on the road?”

  And God love her, she cannot

  come up with the answer, but

  enough of her’s still there

  that she goes to him, really

  pissed off: “Trust me, I’d

  He eventually is drawn back

  know what to do if I was

  to the window, inspect
s the

  driving.” So by this point the

  alley. He stares out the window,

  guy’s clearly humoring her,

  rubbing his lower back.

  he says: “Then just tell me

  what you’d do if you were

  driving and pulled up to this

  sign.” And she goes: “I’d see

  what everyone else was doing;

  then I’d do that.”

  Richard smiles.

  BRIGID

  Where’re you at with the whole . . . nursing home discussion? . . .

  DEIRDRE

  Mom’s—as long as Uncle John can watch her weekdays, we’re fine—

  BRIGID

  RICHARD

  I want you guys to [take care

  I love that—oh . . . I was just

  of yourselves]—

  gonna say I love that you and

  Erik both call her “Mom.”

  DEIRDRE

  Well, that’s what she is to me, that’s what’s special about marriage, Rich, real marriage . . . you get two families.

  BRIGID

  (“Give it a rest, Mom . . .”)

  Okay . . .

  RICHARD

  I’m very committed to Brigid.

  UPSTAIRS: Aimee exits the bathroom, spies Erik rubbing his lower back.

  AIMEE

  Hey . . .

  DEIRDRE

  I’m glad, that’s good . . .

  AIMEE

  Big Guy, how’s your back? . . .

  ERIK

  How’s my back?, how’s your back?

  AIMEE

  [That’s a great point, Dad], you doing your exercises?

  ERIK

  DEIRDRE

  Yeah, yeah . . .

  (Refusing a refill of wine)

  No more for me, Rich, I’m good . . .

  DOWNSTAIRS: Momo dozes off on the couch.

  BRIGID

  So it’s okay if she sleeps here?

  ERIK

  (Rubbing Aimee’s back)

  You’ll find someone new . . .

  DEIRDRE

  Oh yeah, the meds she’s on—she gets in three good naps a day / . . . where’s her—do you mind looking for her blanket?

  Deirdre helps adjust Momo on the couch. Brigid goes in search of the blanket.

  ERIK

  I mean it, hey, I’m serious, you’re gonna find someone new—

  AIMEE

  Not with history . . . how can I [find]—Carol knew me with acne . . . she helped me with my law school application . . .

  ERIK

  You’re gonna come outta this stronger, / I promise.

  AIMEE

  Stop, Dad, stop lying to me.

  (Beat)

  Don’t actually stop / keep saying things to me . . .

  ERIK

  Whattya want me to . . . Momo’d . . . when I’d skin my knee or have any kinda setback, Momo’d say . . . “This, too, shall pass,” / and I’d roll my eyes at her, but . . . this’ll pass, it will . . .

  BRIGID

  Here it is . . .

  DEIRDRE

  Thanks . . . there we go . . .

  RICHARD

  AIMEE

  (To Brigid)

  Ugh . . . I need some more . . .

  So turkey’s out . . . I won’t

  bathroom time, I’ll be down,

  carve until we’re all down

  okay?

  here, yeah?

  ERIK

  Yeah . . .

  BRIGID

  (Calling upstairs)

  Dad! Aimee!

  UPSTAIRS: Aimee returns to the bathroom. Erik heads for the stairs.

  DEIRDRE

  (Lovingly setting up Momo on the couch)

  She’s calm now, Rich, but . . . man—when she has a fit, it’s like watching her turn into someone else, you know? . . .

  RICHARD

  Can I help you get her [situated] . . . ?—

  DEIRDRE

  Yeah, just, lift her feet there . . .

  Richard moves her feet into a more comfortable position. Erik is on his way downstairs.

  ERIK

  Get your hands off of my mother, / you bastard!—

  RICHARD

  BRIGID

  Oh my God I was just—

  Dad—stop—

  (To Richard)

  —he’s teasing you . . .

  ERIK

  (Smiling)

  The Lions are up ten.

  BRIGID

  Your sense of humor is terrible.

  DEIRDRE

  Have you guys noticed that everyone’s sense of humor is terrible except for Brigid’s? / How interesting . . .

  ERIK

  RICHARD

  Score one for Mom!

  Amen, yes . . .

  DEIRDRE

  BRIGID

  How’s Aimee?

  Not funny.

  ERIK

  Give her five minutes, she’s okay . . .

  (Deirdre isn’t convinced)

  . . . she’s okay . . .

  DEIRDRE

  I was telling Rich, before we got her on these new meds . . . you coulda put some of her worst outbursts in a horror flick.

  ERIK

  Brigid’s? / I agree . . .

  BRIGID

  Dad!

  Richard finds this joke pretty funny. Brigid laughs too.

  DEIRDRE

  . . . I’m serious, I keep seeing ads for that zombie show on TV . . . it’s awful, but it makes me think of / Mom’s worst [tantrums]—

  ERIK

  Yeah, but we’re doing okay, right? We’re okay . . .

  DEIRDRE

  Yeah, with the help of God, yeah . . .

  (Small beat)

  . . . [I] can’t believe people wanna watch that stuff at night / when there’s—

  BRIGID

  She hates anything with blood or gore—

  DEIRDRE

  —yeah, well there’s enough going on in the real world to give me the creeps, / I don’t need any more . . .

  RICHARD

  That’s like—I bet she’d appreciate—there’s this comic book called Quasar . . . I was obsessed with it as a kid, / it’s about this—

  BRIGID

  You’re still obsessed with / Quasar, he won’t throw them out . . .

  RICHARD

  Yes I am, be quiet—it’s about this species of like half-alien, half-demon-creatures with teeth on their backs—

  BRIGID

  RICHARD

  Oh my God . . . just call

  —but on their planet—

  them monsters—

  RICHARD

  —on their planet, the scary stories they tell each other . . . they’re all about us. The horror stories for the monsters are all about humans. / I love that . . .

  BRIGID

  DEIRDRE

  (Joking, to Erik)

  (To Richard)

  Thank God he’s in grad school.

  Yeah, no it makes sense . . . you should meet my boss . . . no teeth on his back, but man . . .

  BRIGID

  But monsters aren’t scared of us, / so why would—

  RICHARD

  Sure they are, it’s always a man driving a stake through the heart of the vampire—or if you’re a zombie, you eat people but your biggest threat is what?—getting killed by an enterprising human, / right?

  DEIRDRE

  I get it, Rich . . .

  BRIGID

  They’d be more scared by monster-eating-monsters or something, am I right?

  ERIK

  Monsters aren’t real so it’s a weird thing to wanna be right about.

  RICHARD

  DEIRDRE

  That’s probably the soundest argument.

  Yeah, well that’s not what you thought last night . . . you thought that was pretty real . . . there’s sweat on the sheets to prove it . . .

  ERIK

  (Smiling)

  Wow, you can’t let that go,
/ can you?

  DEIRDRE

  Well tell me what you dreamed / and I’ll drop it . . .

  ERIK

  Well you’re assuming I saw something specific when she was just / —it wasn’t like that, okay?

  BRIGID

  Wait wait “she”?—so you do remember something specific / about your dream—

  ERIK

  DEIRDRE

  Oh man, you guys’re relentless . . . . . .

  Erik, have you been dreaming about a supermodel this whole time?—

  Rich, help me out here . . .

  RICHARD

  (Teasing)

  Sorry, man, I tell Brigid my dreams all the time . . .

  BRIGID

  Yes you do, / all of them . . .

  RICHARD

  BRIGID

  —two weeks ago, I dreamt