The Humans
Page 7
What? / What’s wrong?
Hey you okay?
DEIRDRE
It was a rat or something . . . oh God . . . where did it go? / Did you see it?
Brigid shines her flashlight on the floor. Erik and Richard arrive upstairs.
ERIK
AIMEE
What’s wrong you okay? /
Oh my God I absolutely saw
What happened?
that what was that?!?
BRIGID
RICHARD
Okay don’t scream—American
Okay, okay, I’ll get it . . .
cockroaches are huge . . . I’m
sure it was just a cockroach—
DEIRDRE
I have nothing to stand on . . . someone give me something to stand on . . .
BRIGID
It was an American cockroach, they’re huge / okay?—don’t get so upset—
AIMEE
Ewwwww . . .
DEIRDRE
A cockroach the size of a mouse is upsetting!
DOWNSTAIRS: Momo wakes up, stumbles off the couch, slowly plods to the kitchen . . .
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
Ahhhh, I can’t be up here
Shouldn’t we kill it?
right now . . . no, Mom,
c’mon . . .
BRIGID
RICHARD
I’m not killing it . . .
(Laughing)
I’ll get it if it comes back . . .
DEIRDRE
(Laughing)
Don’t laugh at me . . .
UPSTAIRS: The cockroach-melee winds down. Erik heads back downstairs.
ERIK
BRIGID
(To Richard)
Okay, okay . . . everyone retreat
You gotta caulk. If you let
. . . it’s just a cockroach . . .
me caulk and put down some
boric acid . . .
RICHARD
DEIRDRE
I hear you, Erik, I will . . .
Jesus, Mary and Joseph . . .
okay, everyone down for dinner,
sorry for the bug scare . . .
Erik descends the stairs and doesn’t see Momo.
ERIK
Mom . . . Mom . . . ?
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
I should have included insect
(To Brigid)
traps in the care-package—
I had roaches in my first
Philly apartment . . .
ERIK
Hey where’s . . . Dee, where’s Mom? . . .
Erik checks outside the basement door; no sign of Momo.
ERIK
DEIRDRE
. . . help me look for her!
Well where could she—you
Just look!
want me to look under the
couch where the hell could
she be?!
A crash of a few empty pots and pans, maybe some knocked dishes, sounds from the kitchen alley. Erik disappears into the kitchen alley. Momo mumbles under the following scene as everyone tries to recover and Erik helps her back to the couch.
ERIK
MOMO
(Offstage)
(Offstage)
. . . Mom . . . / Jesus Christ . . .
. . . nairywheres do we blag
werstrus, doll sezzer big
sussten back . . . sezz it
hairidoll . . . er hairin sildern
fernal garn ackening ery or
loddinsezz . . .
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
Is she okay?
What? Is she hurt?
ERIK
BRIGID
(Offstage)
What happened? Is she okay?
. . . Jesus Christ . . . yeah,
God . . .
Erik returns, guiding Momo back to her wheelchair. Deirdre helps. Momo is fine.
ERIK
. . . yeah, she’s okay, she almost burnt herself on the stove, God . . .
DEIRDRE
You were more scared than she was, you okay? / You’re okay, Mom . . .
ERIK
Yeah, I shouldn’t have left her . . .
AIMEE
She’s okay / . . . I’ll clean up in here . . .
BRIGID
ERIK
You okay, Big Guy?
I know, I know . . . yeah, I’m all right . . .
DEIRDRE
RICHARD
Why don’t we give her her
I’ll take care of the kitchen . . .
other pill before we eat . . .
BRIGID
It’s just some pots and pans, Dad, no worries . . .
Deirdre helps Erik with Momo. Erik gives her a pill.
RICHARD
We definitely owe you guys for that care-package, clearly we needed it.
ERIK
Yeah, you did, and cell-phone flashlights don’t last long in a blackout. You gotta be prepared . . .
ERIK
AIMEE
. . . and I still don’t get how
Cut them a break, Dad—
you can live here after—
(To Aimee)
—or that it hasn’t sent you
back to church— / don’t you
think surviving that day means
something?
AIMEE
Because for me it doesn’t carry special—hey I’m telling you what I think, I think it means the two of us were in New York on a terrible morning. / That’s all . . .
ERIK
That’s it?
AIMEE
BRIGID
Yes, Dad, that’s it.
Yeah, me too—I’m not scared of coincidences—
DEIRDRE
Me too, they’re not scary if you believe in some kinda God, / God doesn’t make mistakes . . .
BRIGID
That, yeah, that wasn’t my point, Sneaky—
AIMEE
All right, Momo’s okay, yeah? / . . . that’s what matters . . .
DEIRDRE
ERIK
Thank God, yes . . .
Yeah, man, you gave me a scare, Mom, / you really did . . .
Erik kisses Momo.
BRIGID
So, should—should we bring her wheelchair to the table for dinner?
DEIRDRE
No, no she’ll be sleeping soon . . .
BRIGID
Does the medicine make her sleep?—should you be—
ERIK
It just calms her down—we can bring her to the table, / see how she feels—
BRIGID
Yeah, don’t knock her out / just because—
DEIRDRE
Hey, if you want to come home more and help control her tantrums then you can judge the way we care for her.
BRIGID
I’m not trying to judge you I just want—can’t you hire someone / to help with—?
DEIRDRE
It’d cost a hundred bucks a night to hire someone to watch her, a hundred bucks to make sure she doesn’t / fall and get hurt—
ERIK
Hey . . . okay—
DEIRDRE
No, she needs to think before she opens her mouth.
BRIGID
Sorry.
Erik attends to Momo. Brigid focuses her energy in the kitchen.
AIMEE
BRIGID
(Half-volume, to Deirdre)
Do we need anything else, Rich?
Let’s all just . . . [calm down] . . .
RICHARD
. . . God bless us, everyone . . .
No we’re good, babe . . . you okay?
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Yeah, yeah . . .
Yeah . . . how’s the turkey?
RICHARD
It’s great—will everybody eat dark meat? / Or just—
AIMEE
We’ll eat it all, Rich, / just send it our way . . .
&nbs
p; ERIK
(This is a funny question)
Will we eat dark meat?
DEIRDRE
Yeah but—I will, Rich, I’m just . . . oh man, I’m just . . . I’m back on Weight Watchers / and man . . .
AIMEE
That’s great, Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
. . . thanks, yeah . . . it’s tough, one baby ice-cream cone takes up half my points for the day . . . same for a junior cheeseburger at Wendy’s, it’s tough staying on track.
BRIGID
Especially if you eat a bucket of ranch dip before dinner.
AIMEE
[Don’t say stuff like that . . .]
Richard returns from the kitchen area, sets down final side dishes. He isn’t aware of how wounded Deirdre is at this moment. Erik is also unaware as he arrives at the table. Momo is awake but doesn’t seem very alert.
DEIRDRE
(To Brigid)
I’m, uh, not being careful with points today, / not on holidays . . .
RICHARD
. . . this is the last side dish, yeah? Think we’re good to go— / are we ready . . . ?
AIMEE
Uh-huh . . . / let’s eat . . .
ERIK
(Sitting down, gesturing for them to hold hands)
Okay . . . hands . . .
They bow their heads, hold hands for grace, a little less unified than before. Richard doesn’t know the grace but participates in the hand-holding.
ERIK
Bless us oh Lord . . .
ERIK, AIMEE, BRIGID, DEIRDRE AND MOMO
. . . and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, amen.
They have all noticed that Momo joined in. They smile, thrilled.
ERIK
Did you / hear that?
BRIGID
AIMEE
Momo, I’m so glad you’re here!
Amazing . . .
ERIK
Is it crazy if we do it again? Just / one more time . . .
They all ad-lib “no” . . .
AIMEE
. . . no, go for it.
ERIK
(Smiling, holding their hands again)
Bless us oh Lord . . .
Momo joins in again.
ERIK, AIMEE, BRIGID, DEIRDRE AND MOMO
. . . and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, amen.
This time they all spontaneously clap, Momo does too. They laugh at their impulse to applaud an old woman for saying grace.
ERIK
Mom, you remember Aimee and Brigid, these are your granddaughters . . .
Momo picks up the serving spoon in the sweet potatoes and is about to take a bite—Erik catches her in time, removes the serving spoon from her hand . . .
AIMEE
BRIGID
Don’t put the spotlight on her . . .
We’re happy you’re here, Momes. Guys, dig in, don’t wait . . .
They start to eat, pass the food around the table.
ERIK
Wow, all looks great.
Everyone ad-libs agreement.
DEIRDRE
This looks good, what’s this . . .
BRIGID
It’s a rainbow chard salad, it’s packed with nutrients . . . everything else is familiar, I think . . .
DEIRDRE
You guys did a great job . . .
RICHARD
ERIK
Thanks.
Awesome.
Beat. They eat.
MOMO
Dig a hole shower.
They all laugh at the randomness of the remark.
ERIK
This is definitely not one of your better days, Mom . . . oh man, we, uh . . . we’ll all be there some day, right? . . . / We love you so much, Mom . . .
AIMEE
RICHARD
Yes we will be . . .
Dig in, everybody, please . . .
They eat.
DEIRDRE
This turkey is so moist, / good job guys . . .
ERIK
Mm-hmm . . .
MOMO
Shower in holes.
They all stifle laughter, acknowledge the remark; it’s funny, but also a little upsetting.
They eat.
Aimee starts laughing.
ERIK
What?
AIMEE
Momo’s Christmas toast . . .
They all start laughing. Richard doesn’t know what this inside joke is.
BRIGID
On Christmas, Momo—she always delivers a traditional Irish toast, it’s ancient, right?
ERIK
It’s ancient and it’s beautiful, but one year Aimee’s mind was in the gutter—
AIMEE
I was twelve!
BRIGID
And ever since, the blessing sounds kinda dirty to us—
DEIRDRE
ERIK
Not to us . . .
To you guys it sounds dirty . . .
RICHARD
What’s the blessing?
AIMEE
“May the Virgin and her Child lift your latch on Christmas night.”
Some wine dribbles out of Richard’s mouth; he wasn’t expecting to find it that funny.
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
Not you too, Rich . . .
I know, right?! They don’t get it . . .
ERIK
We get it we just don’t agree . . .
DEIRDRE
. . . I first thought latch-lifting was a kinda sexual position . . .
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
Ewww, Mom . . .
. . . I’m serious, thought maybe
it was like scissoring, or /
something—
AIMEE
Mom! / Eeewwww . . . you
I’m never telling you anything
must never say The word
again, we’re not discussing this
scissoring again . . .
at the table . . .
RICHARD
I’m steering clear of this conversation . . .
ERIK
(To Richard)
It’s real meaning is beautiful—it’s old Irish custom to leave the door unbolted and a candle in the window for Mary on her way to Bethlehem.
AIMEE
Well, it’s premature, but . . . in honor of you, Momo . . .
(A toast, struggling not to laugh)
May the Virgin and her Child lift all of your latches . . .
They all ad-lib “cheers,” “amen,” “here here,” etc. . . . Erik lovingly disapproves of Aimee’s joke, notices Momo’s a bit dazed, her neck is not at a comfortable angle.
ERIK
Okay, this isn’t gonna [work]—she’s gonna be dozing off soon, / lemme get her settled—
DEIRDRE
Want me to—
ERIK
—no I got it, I got it . . . keep eating guys . . .
Erik wheels Momo back to the couch, gets her settled there.
DEIRDRE
Where’s your family, Rich? They upset we stole you away?
RICHARD
Oh, they’re good, thanks. My dad’s in L.A. and my mom’s on the Cape now.
DEIRDRE
What cape?
BRIGID
Cape Horn, Mom—you know he’s from / Massachusetts—
AIMEE
Hey, hey . . . it’s not a dumb / question . . .
BRIGID
Cape Cod, sorry . . . I’m sorry.
Small beat.
DEIRDRE
What’s your mom do, Rich?
RICHARD
She’s a therapist . . . / she works from home . . . yeah . . .
DEIRDRE
Oh wow, that’s great . . . do you guys have any Thanksgiving traditions?
RICHARD
Uh, some, yeah, we usually start our morning off volunteering at this soup kitch
en about thirty minutes from our house, so . . .
DEIRDRE
That’s beautiful, I volunteer with the Bhutanese now, / every week they have—
BRIGID
Mom, we know.
RICHARD
AIMEE
No, I’m interested . . .
(To Brigid)
[Why are you being such a bitch?]
DEIRDRE
They uh, the Bhutanese, the level of poverty, guys, is just . . . [unimaginable] . . .
They eat. Erik returns to the table after getting Momo settled.
ERIK
(To Richard)
You balancing a job with all your studies . . . or just racking up the college loans?
RICHARD
Ha, I’ve gone the loan route but I plan on paying them off as soon as possible . . .
BRIGID
His grandmother—he’s getting a small trust when he turns forty—can I tell them?
RICHARD
You want to know if you can tell them after you tell them? / Seriously?
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
Like a trust fund?
Pass the . . . / yeah, thanks . . .
BRIGID
Sorry—babe, sorry, don’t be embarrassed . . .