RICHARD
BRIGID
I’m not embarrassed—
—it’s actually great—his
grandmother didn’t want him
spoiled so he doesn’t see any of
the money until he’s forty.
ERIK
(Teasing)
You haven’t reached that milestone yet, Rich?
BRIGID
RICHARD
Ha, ha . . .
(Smiling)
No, not quite, I’m thirty-eight . . .
DEIRDRE
Having to wait until your forties is a—your grandma’s a smart lady, it’s like that—’member that e-mail I forwarded you guys about Andrew Carne—is it Carnegie or Carnegie, / I never remember . . .
RICHARD
ERIK
Pretty sure Carnegie is correct
Carnegie Hall, right? Carnegie
. . . oh, maybe, yeah . . .
Hall . . .
DEIRDRE
I forwarded it, Rich, ’cause it had this great answer to the question: “What makes Americans powerful and influential and wealthy?”
Small beat as they eat.
AIMEE
Trust funds?
DEIRDRE
No . . . not trust funds, / smart-ass . . .
AIMEE
What—too soon? Too soon? . . .
BRIGID
Yes, too soon . . .
DEIRDRE
What makes a person powerful and influential and wealthy is not growing up with power and influence and wealth. That’s what the e-mail said, anyway . . .
(Caught off-guard by her emotions)
. . . the gift of poverty is a . . . it’s not a myth, / it’s a real thing, it can be a blessing . . .
AIMEE
Whoa, Mom, are you okay?
DEIRDRE
Yeah I’m just happy to be with my girls, sorry . . .
They eat. Brigid mouths, “Get a grip . . .” to herself.
Erik cracks open another beer.
ERIK
One thing I learned, Rich—and the older I get I see this—it’s that having too much money—it can be just as bad for you as, you know, not having enough, / you know? Gotta be careful . . .
BRIGID
(Embarrassed)
Dad, why’re you—what are you talking about—
RICHARD
I think I know what you’re saying—do you mean—
ERIK
I’m saying—Dee’s bosses have more money than God and they’re stingy with her on everything, bonuses, vacation days . . . Aimes gets fired ’cause she’s sick—my grandma almost lost her life in a fire ’cause her bosses locked the doors to her factory to keep ’em from taking breaks, coupla blocks from here, so—and this isn’t some scientific notion or something—but, yeah, I do notice that rich people are usually pretty messed up.
BRIGID
AIMEE
[Oh God . . .]
That’s an elegant thesis, Dad.
RICHARD
Well, no, no, it’s a good point, I just don’t think being messed up is necessarily linked to how much money is in your bank account.
BRIGID
ERIK
Of course . . .
Yeah, but it can shift your
priorities in ways that aren’t
good.
RICHARD
We agree on that, yeah, but so can being poor. Right? / Just meaning—
BRIGID
AIMEE
Yes . . .
Everyone’s right, guys . . .
RICHARD
—I actually agree with you, I’m just adding that . . . yes, wealth can ruin people but so can poverty.
DEIRDRE
Well I’d rather be ruined in a Four Seasons somewhere, on a beach, you know? . . . I’ll take wealth for four hundred, Alex . . .
BRIGID
AIMEE
Mom, that doesn’t even make sense . . .
Oh, Mom . . .
RICHARD
. . . well I’m proud that my family went out of their way to ensure—you do get that I’m not able to touch my money until I’m forty, right?
ERIK
Uh-huh, but do you get how that sounds to a man my age?
RICHARD
No I hear you, I hear you . . . / I do . . .
AIMEE
BRIGID
. . . pass the—thanks . . .
We got the veggies from this farmer’s market on Essex . . .
DEIRDRE
They’re delicious . . .
BRIGID
We’re gonna try and keep our fridge stocked with them, start juicing for breakfast.
AIMEE
Cool . . .
RICHARD
You guys liking any of the super-foods?
BRIGID
(To Aimee)
Rich made up a list that I e-mailed to these guys . . .
DEIRDRE
I even, I bought blueberries last week . . . they’re not cheap.
ERIK
You also bought blueberry doughnuts.
DEIRDRE
Yeah, and you had three of them, so don’t / act like you’re better than me please.
ERIK
I did, no, I did.
AIMEE
Sadly, doughnuts are cheaper, too, huh?
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Yeah.
Not cheaper when you consider how much heart disease costs once you’re hospitalized.
They eat.
ERIK
So what, uh, when forty comes along, what happens . . . do you just, do you retire?
AIMEE
BRIGID
Dad . . .
No, he’s studying to become a social worker . . .
RICHARD
Yeah, the main reason I’m not done with school yet is, I’ve been / in and out—
BRIGID
He took time off—
RICHARD
—yeah, because for a while / I was—
BRIGID
You don’t have to tell them . . .
RICHARD
—it’s fine—in my early thirties—I was depressed for a bit, so—I’m fine now, just took me a while to get up and running again, but . . . I’ve been better for years, it’s why I’m comfortable talking about it . . .
ERIK
You take medicine for that?
BRIGID
Dad, that’s rude / to ask—
RICHARD
ERIK
It’s okay.
Sorry, hey, sorry, just . . . in our family we don’t, uh, we don’t have that kinda depression.
AIMEE
Yeah, no we just have a lot of stoic sadness.
They eat.
ERIK
(To Richard)
Well . . . I’m sorry, if—
RICHARD
[It’s fine.]
ERIK
. . . makes you wonder if—the kind of faith we grew up with . . . it’s not perfect but you take for granted what a, a, a kinda natural antidepressant it is . . .
AIMEE
No religion at the table—
DEIRDRE
Hey, my mouth is shut, you know / where I stand . . .
BRIGID
Mom . . . you brought a statue of the Virgin Mary into our house— / how is your mouth shut?
ERIK
All right, okay . . . I didn’t mean to get us . . . I was just saying it’s funny you guys’ll try—you put faith in, in juice-cleansing or / yoga but you won’t try church—
BRIGID
I did one juice-cleanse . . . one . . .
ERIK
DEIRDRE
—you eat chard to feel your
My mouth is shut . . .
best but you still—you said
half your friends are in therapy,
/ you said that so I’m asking—
BRIGID
That’s because—yeah, I was trying to get you to pay for mine—I
still can’t afford it—
ERIK
Well save some of the money you spend on organic juice and pay for it yourself—
BRIGID
Don’t criticize me for caring about my mental health—
AIMEE
Okay . . .
ERIK
Well what about—Rich’s mom is a therapist—why don’t you get it from her?—
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Erik . . .
Yeah, Dad, I’ll get therapy from my mother-in-law, that’s an awesome idea.
Small beat.
DEIRDRE
She’s not your mother-in-law unless you get married—
AIMEE
Mom . . . [don’t] . . .
BRIGID
Looking for work every day, it’s depressing—
ERIK
Well you’ve still got the will to eat super-foods—if you’re so miserable why’re you trying to live forever?
Aimee smiles involuntarily.
BRIGID
Last week—I shouldn’t even tell you—
ERIK
RICHARD
Tell us what?
I don’t think you appreciate
how hard she’s been working . . .
BRIGID
RICHARD
Babe, you don’t have to—
. . . she’s been bartending at
two places while applying for
every possible artist grant or
residency you can think of . . .
Babe—
(To Brigid)
. . . tell them, you’ll feel better . . .
ERIK
BRIGID
Tell us what?
He won’t care . . .
DEIRDRE
RICHARD
Tell us . . .
You’ll feel better . . .
ERIK
Of course I’ll care.
RICHARD
Read it to him, you’ll feel better.
Brigid gets out her phone, searches for something.
RICHARD
This one professor has been writing all of her recommendation letters for all these applications and—
BRIGID
Yeah ’cause there’s only one that I felt close to at school, who actually knew who I was, so . . . I was gonna miss this one deadline so I called his office and . . . his assistant agreed to e-mail the rec letter directly to me . . .
Brigid hands her iPhone to Erik, who reads the PDF of the letter on her phone.
AIMEE
What’s it say?
BRIGID
. . . at least now I know why I’m not even getting interviews for unpaid internships.
ERIK
(Reading)
What’s the big deal?—he didn’t praise you enough?
Pissed, Brigid grabs her phone.
BRIGID
Are you kidding me?
(Reading)
“Brigid is a talented musician and composer; she served as a TA in my music theory class her senior year and many of the students noted how approachable and helpful she was to them in navigating the course. Initially, I must confess, I found Brigid’s compositions almost willfully opposed to specificity and urgency. In her senior year, however, she showed marked improvement. And while her orchestral pieces still do not have the range or originality of her contemporaries, she always displays technical proficiency and great verve.” [What does that even mean?!] “Her hard work and positive attitude have made her an asset to the music department.”
(Eyes watering)
. . . why wouldn’t he respect me enough to say he couldn’t do it?
Richard comforts her.
ERIK
You can always work retail.
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
Don’t / tease her, babe—
Dad—Bridge, he’s a dick for writing this—
RICHARD
ERIK
It’s not easy to bounce back
. . . oh c’mon, hey, Rich don’t
from this kind of thing,
treat me like—she knows
Erik—
I believe in her!—are you so
spoiled you can’t see you’re
crying over something hard
work can fix?—
BRIGID
Everyone whose opinion I value has read this—
ERIK
Your grandma grew up in a two-room cesspool and your tragedy is what—having to figure out how to get a new letter of recommendation? / Sorry if I—
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
It takes years to build relationships with—
She knows all this . . .
ERIK
—you’re lucky to have a passion to pursue, if you don’t care about it enough to push through this setback you should quit and do something else . . .
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
All right . . . we’re sorry,
(To Erik)
Bridge, that guy’s a jerk . . .
Wow, what is up with you today?
UPSTAIRS: The light above the staircase burns out. The only light upstairs now comes from the open bathroom door.
BRIGID
RICHARD
Shit, another bulb’s out . . .
Oh great . . . welcome to New York, guys . . .
DEIRDRE
It’s just a light bulb . . . we’ll live . . .
Brigid goes in search of a spare bulb. Erik follows her.
ERIK
(To Brigid, who is still angry with him)
Hey, hey, I don’t wanna see you bent outta shape over something you can fix. / The Blakes bounce back, that’s what we do.
BRIGID
Thanks . . . . . . uh-huh, yeah . . . . . . thanks, Dad, I don’t really need a lecture now . . . Rich—why didn’t we ask the landlord to replace all the light bulbs before we moved in?
RICHARD
Because that’s a crazy thing to ask for, babe, no one asks for that.
DEIRDRE
ERIK
(Stifiling laughter)
Well, they’re all probably on
Yeah, no one asks for that /
their last legs . . .
. . . and even if you did, it
wouldn’t matter, ’cause . . .
AIMEE
What are you laughing at?
DEIRDRE
. . . she’s burning out the bulbs to get our attention . . .
BRIGID
AIMEE
What?
What—who is?
DEIRDRE
She-With-No-Face . . . / she strikes again!
ERIK
AIMEE
Now you got her started . . .
What’s so funny? What?
BRIGID
Dad sees faceless women in his sleep . . .
DEIRDRE
(Going upstairs, wobbly ghost wail)
. . . woooooooo . . .
RICHARD
Tough crowd, Erik . . .
AIMEE
ERIK
Where are you going, Crazy Lady?
You’re telling me . . .
DEIRDRE
The bathroom . . .
(Using a flashlight)
. . . this is gonna be like spelunking just to go pee . . . woooooo . . .
Now they are all laughing, even Richard.
UPSTAIRS: Deirdre proceeds to the bathroom.
AIMEE
Who is this headless person?
BRIGID
Faceless, she’s got skin covering her eye sockets / and mouth—
AIMEE
ERIK
Ewwwww . . .
All right, ha ha . . .
Brigid, still miffed by Erik’s tough love, goes to the kitchen area.
BRIGID
. . . yeah, and I hope she visits you tonight in your sleep and casts an evil spell / on you—
ERIK
Oh yeah, smart-ass?—
&nb
sp; Erik stops Brigid and bear-hugs her, making her laugh involuntarily.
BRIGID
ERIK
Stop! Dad! Oh now you wanna be compassionate?!
You don’t know how good you have it . . .
Stop! The eyeless sorceress has all my support . . .
RICHARD
Last week I dreamed I fell into an ice-cream cone made of grass and became a baby.
BRIGID
Richard, / are you kidding me with the sharing . . .
RICHARD
What?—I can share it if I want / —I restarted my life . . .
BRIGID
You can, and I love you, / but when you share dreams in front of my family I become a crazy person—
AIMEE
Hey, why don’t—all right, Lover-Of-All, come on, come with me, let’s get rid of some of this . . .
RICHARD
You want help?
AIMEE
No, you’re good, you boys keep talking . . .
They exit into the kitchen talking, carrying some of the food dishes. Richard’s a bit embarrassed.
RICHARD
I got to re-boot my life, it was good . . .
ERIK
I dunno. Doing life twice sounds like the only thing worse than doing it once.
They drink. Audible-but-indecipherable conversation from Aimee and Brigid in the kitchen.
RICHARD
The cone was made out of grass from my backyard . . . ?
ERIK
(Smiling)
Out of / your backyard? . . .
RICHARD
. . . my backyard? . . . like it got twisted into an ice-cream cone? . . . in my head it was so normal . . .
The Humans Page 8