by Nancy Adams
Part of it could have been the timing. The week before had brought tragedy into her life once more, when Rob's mother, who had suffered a severe brain injury years before and was more like a child than an adult, passed away without warning. In the aftermath of his loss, an old flame of Rob's had shown up, and thanks to a number of errors and misunderstandings, and an unfortunate – but innocent – kiss that happened to take place just as Katie Lou entered the room, she had come to believe that Rob had also betrayed her. She had walked away from him, unwilling to even listen to explanations, until she came face-to-face with “the other woman.” She had learned that the kiss she had witnessed was a kiss goodbye, as Rob told his old girlfriend that he was in love with Katie Lou.
Still, there was that part of her that harbored feelings for Darren, as much as she wanted to deny them. When he’d called and asked her to have dinner with him, she had agreed, and had driven all the way to Ozark to meet him at the famous Lambert's Café.
“I haven't been here since I was a kid,” Darren said as they took their seats in a booth. “I think there was a family reunion or something, and we all came here for dinner. Everybody wanted to see the place where they throw the rolls to you.”
Katie grinned. “I was here a couple of times my senior year in high school,” she said. “We had our prom down at Branson, on the big Showboat. It's like one of those old riverboats, and the senior class rented it for prom. When we were planning it, we stopped here a couple of times to eat. I'd never even heard of it, before then.”
Darren was just sitting there looking at her, his eyes wide and his face a strange mixture of happiness and fear. He swallowed once, then picked up the menu. “So, do you remember what's good here?”
“Oh, yes,” she said. “Everything!”
Darren grinned, and started to respond, but a waiter suddenly appeared. He took their drink orders and promised to be back in a moment, so that they could decide what they wanted to eat.
Conversation stuck to dinner choices for a few minutes, with Darren choosing a steak while Katie Lou went for the pot roast. They gave their orders to the waiter, and then they were finally alone.
“Katie Lou, I can't tell you how much it means that you're willing to sit down and talk with me,” Darren said. “Like I told you, I would've understood if you had just told me to get lost.”
Katie smiled softly. “Darren, for the last few weeks, I just about hated your guts. I mean, put yourself in my place; sort of seemed like I must've only been important as long as I could make things look perfect for you. As soon as it looked like I was going to be crippled for the rest of my life, you were gone. What was I supposed to think?”
Darren was nodding his head. “I know, I know,” he said. “And I can't blame you, not a bit. I blame myself and the stupidity that made me think being important was better than being happy. All I kept hearing about was how every great politician in history has had to make sacrifices, and that the last thing in the world I would ever want would be a sympathy vote. It all seemed to make sense, when I was looking at it from their point of view, but the longer I was without you—the more I knew I had made a mistake.”
Katie just looked at him for a long moment. Then she slowly shook her head. “Darren, I am actually pretty shocked at myself for agreeing to be here tonight. There's this part of me in the back of my head that is screaming at me to run, to get as far away from you as I possibly can, but then there's this other part that remembers the good times. That part wants to be sure of whether there's any hope or not for us, because if there's not, then I need to move on. I just don't want to make any more mistakes.”
“Katie, I…”
“Hold on, I'm not done. I just said I don't want to make any mistakes, but that includes making a mistake by taking you back. Darren, I was lying in a hospital bed and had just been given some of the worst news of my life, that I might never walk again, and you, you sonofabitch, you called me on the phone to tell me that things weren't going to work out because of your political ambitions! We'd been dating for over two years, we'd been engaged for more than a year, you told me over and over how much you loved me, but then—Darren, when you love someone, you don't run out on them at their lowest moment! You want me to believe you still care about me, but look at what I have to deal with! You ran out on me, right when I needed you the most! How can I ever trust you again?”
She ran out of things to say and her voice trailed off, but Darren only sat there and looked at her. She saw that there were tears brimming over from his eyes, and then realized that she had tears running down her own cheeks. “Well? Aren't you going to say anything?”
“I honestly don't know what to say. I have to admit that you're right; there's no way I can deny it. I did exactly what you said I did: I ran out on you. I can blame my dad and the political committee all I want to, but the truth is that I made the choice to walk away.” He reached up and ran a hand over his face, as if trying to wipe away the pain that was showing in it. “I've tried to think of some way that I can describe to you how I have felt since I made that decision, and the only thing I can come up with is this. I want you to imagine that you're out riding around with some friends, and they stop at a little store in the middle of nowhere. You all go inside, and that's when you find out that your friends are there to rob the place. One of them hands you a gun, and while you don't want anything to do with the robbery, you instinctively want to protect your friends. Can you imagine that?”
Katie's eyes were narrowed, but she nodded. “Yeah, I can.”
Darren nodded back. “Okay, then all of a sudden, you see some guy come out of the back room of the store, and he's got a shotgun in his hand. He's aimed it right at the head of your best friend, and nobody sees him but you. If you yell out, it may startle him and he'll pull the trigger, so the only thing you can do, without even thinking clearly, is pull the trigger on your own gun. You shoot the guy and you kill him, and then everybody runs out of the store in a panic. You go out to the middle of nowhere and everybody agrees to keep it all secret, so that no one will ever find out what you did. The trouble with that is that no matter how you try, you can't forget! You made a choice, and you have to live with the consequences, no matter what they are. If you could go back and do it all over again, you'd make a different choice, and you know you would, but there isn't any way to undo what's already been done.” He sat there and just stared at her for a long minute. “That's how I felt. I felt like I had just killed someone, I had done something unforgivable, something that would destroy my life forever, because I didn't think it through. I knew that if I could go back and do it again, I would stand by you no matter what, I would be in the hospital room twenty-four hours a day, and every time you had to go take a test, or have some kind of therapy, I would be right there with you. Without you, nothing else seemed to matter anymore. I couldn't concentrate on my career, I couldn't concentrate on my political ambitions, nothing. I went to St. Louis to take the new job, spent a week there, and told them I couldn't handle it. I quit and came home.”
Katie Lou blinked, her eyes wide. “You quit the firm? Darren, that was the best job you could ever hope to get at this point, why would you do that?”
“Because it wasn't supposed to be just for me. I was taking that job so that we would have the money to live the way I want us to live, and without you, none of it mattered anymore. My dad is letting me work back in his firm, for now, until I can find something else.” He grinned, but it was hollow. “I can tell you he isn't happy with me. If he knew we were here together, right now, he'd be ripping me a new one.”
Katie Lou chuckled. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure my dad wouldn't be too happy about it, either. He'd probably tell me you were sucking up to try to get the money back.”
“I don't care about that money,” Darren said, waving a hand in dismissal. “Frankly, if I had been your attorney, I would have advised you to hold out for more. You would've gotten it.”
They sat in silence for a few moments,
and then Katie Lou looked him in the eye. "Darren, do you really believe there's any sense in us trying again? I'll be honest, and I don't know if I can get over the hurt. When you called, it hit me that I still have some feelings for you, and of course I still remember the good times, but that doesn't change the fact that you hurt me very badly. Even if you did it a moment of weakness, even if it was a mistake, how am I to believe that something like it won't happen again? How can I be sure of that?”
“I don't know how to answer that,” Darren said. “The only thing I can tell you is this: that if you give me another chance, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I never, ever hurt you again.”
Their food appeared then, and they both dug in and began to eat. The little talking they did was about how wonderful the food was, and even most of that was done with moans of delight. There are only so many ways to say that something tastes wonderful, after all.
When they were finished eating, and their plates had been taken away, each of them chose a coffee for dessert as they sat there and continued to discuss the possibilities—or lack thereof—of their future together.
“A part of me can't believe that you're even here,” Darren said. “That's the part of me that knows I don't deserve a second chance, and I have to keep shouting it down. I have to keep hoping and praying that you’ll give me one, anyway. If I lose that hope, I don't know what will keep me going.”
Katie shot him a glare. “Okay, let's get one thing straight,” she said, her voice cold and stern. “Whatever happens, you brought this on yourself. You're not going to make me feel guilty; that's not going to happen. If you start that, 'if we can't try again, I'll kill myself,' crap, I'll get up and walk away. One thing I'm not going to put up with is any kind of emotional blackmail, do you understand that?”
“I didn't mean it that way,” Darren said, his voice almost a whisper. “All I’m trying to say is that I haven't made any plans past this moment. I've got everything invested in this chance to ask you to try again.”
Katie looked him in the eye, but said nothing for a few moments. When she finally did speak, it was softly.
“Darren, you should know that there's someone else I've been thinking about. When I say thinking about, I mean that he and I—well, we like each other, a lot. You just happened to call at a moment when I was feeling really down, or we probably wouldn't be sitting here.”
Darren swallowed. “Is it—is it really serious, between you and this guy?”
“Were the feelings serious? I have to say they were, yes, but if you're trying to ask if I've slept with him, the answer is no. We haven't gotten to that point, but if I said I hadn't thought about it, I'd be lying.”
Darren shrugged, and Katie could tell that it was painful for him. “Look, no matter what, I can't blame you for any of this. If there's someone else you want more, then I can only hold myself responsible.”
“At the moment, I'm not sure what I want, Darren. I was in love with you, and that isn't something you just throw away lightly. I can't just flip a switch and turn off those feelings, but at the same time, I can't flip a switch and turn off the feelings that have been building between me and—someone else. Do I want us to try again? Part of me would say yes, but the other part would say no, no, that I should run away screaming. Do I want to move forward with this other relationship? Again, part of me does, but another part says I should make sure that I'm ready to move on before I try to do so. Does any of that make sense?”
“Yes, of course it does. Katie Lou, if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you are one of the most honest and loving people I have ever known. All I can do is hope and pray that when you make a final choice on this, that it will be for us. That we can get past what happened, and build a life together. I meant what I said—I would much rather be with you and work in some rinky-dink law firm than be President of the United States without you. I don't think my political ambitions were ever all that important to you, anyway, am I right?”
Katie Lou grinned. “Well, I always wondered how I’d fit in, trying to rub elbows with all those politicians' wives. That just didn't seem like me, you know what I mean?”
“You would have done great. You have such a natural charm and grace and poise about you, it wouldn't have been long before they would all have been looking to you to set the standard for what a politician's wife should be.”
Katie Lou rolled her eyes. “Okay, I'm already here, you don't have to flatter me. Darren, remember, you're the one who went to the big-city law school. Me, I'm just a small-town girl, and that's all I'm ever really going to be. And just so you know, I'm about to open my own counseling practice. I got the degree, and I decided to specialize in counseling people with disabilities. I think what's happened has given me a perspective that will help me to empathize, to know what they're feeling. I think that will make me better at what I do.”
Darren smiled. “I think that's a wonderful idea, and I mean that sincerely. You've always had a knack for knowing how to make people feel better, even before you got your degree. I think it's a wonderful idea to put that talent to work helping people in the same circumstances that you were in.”
“Well, I'm glad you approve, but that wasn't why I told you about it. I'm planning to open my practice in Maxwell, so no matter what happens between us, I'm not planning to leave here. That doesn't mean I wouldn't, I guess, just that I'm starting to structure my life, and I'm structuring it right here in this part of Missouri.”
Darren shrugged again, but this time he had a smile on his face. “Hey, I could always open a private practice, myself. Or maybe, if I tried, I could get one of the firms in Maxwell to take me on.”
“I'm sure you could,” Katie Lou said. “Darren, I think you can do anything you set your mind to. That's never been anything I worried about. The only question in my mind is whether you would be content to just stay here in the local area. I'm pretty sure I can be, because I don't have any grand ambitions. I'm not worried about trying to be something special, I just want to be who I am. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does, honey,” Darren said. “One of the things that I've always loved about you is that, despite the fact that you're one of the most intelligent people I've ever known, you're also one of the most simplistic people. You don't look for ways to use people, the way most people do. You look for ways to help them, ways to show them that you care. You don't have to be famous, or live in a mansion somewhere in order to do that. You just have to have a heart. And Katie Lou, if there's one thing that can be said for you, it's that you have the biggest heart I've ever known.”
Katie Lou allowed herself a smile, accepting the praise that he was lavishing onto her. She knew that he was right; the one thing she always wanted to do was help others, and there was something deep inside of her that was certain she had finally found her calling. Her decision to use both her education and her experience to counsel others who were going through physical handicaps had been so right that it hadn't required any serious thought at all. She simply knew that it was the right choice to make, and so she followed her heart on the matter.
“But that didn't answer my question. Could you really be content, staying here in the Ozarks? Handling divorce cases and real estate deals? The occasional criminal defense?”
There was a brief moment of hesitation that crossed Darren's face, but then he broke into a big smile. “Katie Lou, I can be content anywhere if I'm with you. That much I know, now. I know it because I've been so miserable for this time that I've been without you, because I couldn't even manage to go on living without you. I used to think that I'd be successful when I won my first Senate seat, or maybe ran for governor, but I've had to rethink my definition of success. I can't be successful anywhere if I'm not happy and satisfied on a personal level, and in order to have that, I need to be with you.”
Katie Lou just stared at him for a few seconds. “And what happens if I say no, Darren? What happens if I just can't go backward?”
“If you decide you don't want to try again, I'm just going to leave you alone. I'm not going to stalk you, I'm not going to pester you, I'm not going to keep calling and begging—that's really not my way. But the thing is, I don't want us to go backward, I want us to move forward. I want us to accept the fact that I messed up, and just move on from it. Katie, you're the most important thing in life to me. I mean that, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But if I can't be just as important to you, if I ruined our relationship so much that you can't feel the same way about me, then there's no one for me to blame but myself. If you don't want to try again, I'll understand, and I'll leave you be.”
Katie looked into her coffee cup, as if she might find an answer there, but it didn't float to the surface. “Well, I'm certain I'm not going to make a decision right here and now. I got to think about this, and maybe we need to sit and talk some more, I don't know. The only thing I can say right now is that I'm not dismissing it as a possibility. I'm not making any promises, but I'm not saying no, either.”
Darren smiled. “Hey, I can't ask for more than that, not right now. Katie, I really just want you to know how sorry I am for how stupid I've been. I look in the mirror, and I cannot believe that the man I see there is the same stupid sonofabitch who was willing to choose a political career over the woman who was more important to him than anything else in the world.”
Katie didn't say anything for a moment, but then she smiled softly. “Okay, I've got to admit this has felt kind of nice. We been sitting here talking, hashing things over the way we always used to do. Maybe there is hope, but I'm still not ready to say anything for sure. I'm gonna head for home, and think about all this for a day or two. Let's talk again in a couple of days. I'll call you. Just remember, Darren, I won't go through this again. If we decide to move forward, then I expect one hundred percent commitment from you.”