Played

by Natasha Stories

  A cheer went up, washing out what he said to me next.

  "Excuse me?" I said.

  "Let me know if that bastard threatens you again," he repeated.

  "Drew, let me handle any threats. I'm not afraid of him, and you've endangered your career enough for me. But, does this mean were friends again?" I dared to smile a little, hoping to make light of it. Happiness flooded me when he smiled back.

  "If you'll have me," he said. "I overreacted." I didn't think he had, it was exactly what I expected. Still, if he was willing to be friends again, I wasn't going to argue. Friends was what I meant. I did not intend to date him again.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Exhausted by the drama, as well as helping Ri to move back into our dorm room, all I could think of was the coming weekend when Spring Break would start. It was too late to invite Ri to go with me, unfortunately. She had already made plans to go to Las Vegas with a few of her friends. It had been too long since I had seen Gracie, and I wouldn't miss going to the ranch for anything.

  March weather in the Rockies was always volatile, but I had a clear weather forecast for Friday night and Saturday. It only remained to decide whether to leave after my last class on Friday, or wait until the next morning. Either way, I was going to miss the next home game. Drew's coach had suspended him for one game, which had taken place on Wednesday in California. Not surprisingly, they lost.

  Ri announced on Thursday that she and her friends would be skipping class on Friday to get a head start on their Spring Break, and, although Drew and I agreed we would be friends again, I wasn't dating him. So, there was no reason to wait, and my decision was to leave for the ranch on Friday.

  When I left campus, I was feeling good about myself. I had done the right thing for Justin, despite my personal feelings about him. I had regained my friendship with Drew, though we weren't dating. Best of all, Ri and I were friends again. As I drove, though, I had time to think about what had happened and why.

  I'd come a long way since arriving on campus as a naïve freshman. I now knew that I had allowed Justin's physical beauty to blind me to the ugliness inside him, even after he allowed me a glimpse of it. Furthermore, I had become someone I wasn't in order to attract him. I had lied by omission to Rihanna about my intentions. By extension, I had lied by omission about my real self to everyone on campus, both those I'd met and those I hadn't. What a terrible person I was!

  Even in my role as a mother, I had failed terribly. I took the easy way, and left my precious daughter for weeks and months in someone else's care so that I could be a carefree student. What kind of a mother was that? The kind who didn't deserve her child, I concluded.

  Somewhere between Evanston and Rock Springs, I convinced myself that I was evil and unworthy of love. Tears blinded me off and on for the rest of the drive. By the time I got to the ranch, it was not only very late at night, but I was an emotional wreck.

  I turned off the ignition and sat in the car, unwilling to face my loved ones in the house, cognizant that I didn't deserve them. Not much ever escaped the notice of one or another of the occupants of the house. I had been sitting in the car for very long before Russ came out to see what the matter was.

  "Come in the house, Janey. Charity is worried about you, and she needs her sleep. The baby has been colicky."

  Here was evidence, again, of my thoughtlessness.

  "I'm sorry, Russ. I'll come in."

  Russ wasn't one to pry, but he could not have failed to notice my distress. He put his hand at my back to guide me into the house, bidding me good night as I walked down the hall to the room I shared with Gracie. I found her in her little bed, a baby monitor on the table next to her. After kissing her forehead, I turned off the baby monitor since I was there, and, dressing in a flannel nightgown against the Wyoming chill, went to bed. If I never woke up, it would be too soon for me.

  ~~~

  Waking to Gracie's delighted squeal of, "Mommy," I forgot my blue mood in the joy of having my daughter in my arms. Since I'd left in the first week of January, it seemed she had grown several inches. She was getting too heavy for me to pick up, in fact. In the midst of my joy, sadness washed over me that I had missed so much of her young life by being away at school.

  I intended to finish the year, but, while I was at home I needed to talk to both Russ and Charity about delaying the rest of my education until Grace was old enough for school, so that I could take her with me. I was no longer willing to miss months of her rapid development, even to pursue the education that would make us independent. Maybe Russ could give me a job of some sort so that I would be earning our keep.

  When I looked at my watch, I jumped out of bed, horrified that we had slept until nearly 10 a.m. Janet would be furious if we came to the kitchen looking for breakfast while she was trying to get lunch ready for so many. I was also eager to see Charity's new baby, a little boy they had named John in honor of Russ's dad. One good thing about having such a big family was that there were always babies to cuddle and love.

  I didn't find Russ or Charity in their room, so I continued to the kitchen, holding Gracie's hand, as she was much too heavy for me to carry through the house now. On the way, Grace entertained me by constant chatter about the new baby and about what she wanted for breakfast. Janet was at the kitchen sink, washing a huge pile of potatoes that would evidently be part of lunch in a couple of hours. She turned to greet me, smiling fondly at Gracie.

  "You guys are way too late for a good breakfast, but how about some cereal?"

  "Cheerios!" Gracie crowed, clapping her chubby little hands.

  "How do we ask?" Janet corrected.

  "Can, may I have some Cheerios please?" Gracie recited. It only strengthened my resolve, knowing that others were teaching my little girl not only how to politely ask for something, but also how to do it grammatically. That was my job. Suppressing my jealousy, I smiled at Janet and said, "Wow, she's growing up too fast, and I'm missing it." Janet smiled kindly, but didn't respond.

  Gracie and I were tipping our bowls to drink the dregs of the milk when Charity walked in, holding her new baby in her arms. When I held mine out, she walked over and placed him in them tenderly. There's nothing sweeter than a sleeping infant. This one had a mass of coppery curls that marked him as Russ’s and Charity's. He was too cute for words.

  "Charity, he's beautiful," I said.

  Gracie held out her arms, evidently expecting a turn at holding the baby. "Want hold baby," she said.

  "No, sweetheart, you're too little," I answered. Her puckered little face told me that we were about to experience an outburst that would wake the baby, so I hurriedly said, "You can hold him if you'll sit in my lap to do it. If that's okay with Aunt Charity."

  "Sure," she said, "she does that all the time."

  "Charity, can I talk to you and Russ after lunch?"

  "Sounds like you have something serious to talk about," she said. "I'll see if Russ is available."

  Since we had a couple of hours to kill, I got Grace and I bathed and dressed, and we went to the barn to see the horses. I found Cody's Uncle Hank there, but no Tyler.

  "Hi, Hank. Where's Tyler today?"

  "You didn't hear? He left right after you, in January, headed for Logan and Utah State."

  I was both delighted and disappointed. Delighted that Tyler had somehow found a way to achieve his dream of going to college, but disappointed that I wouldn't see him.

  "Will he be here for Spring Break?" I asked.

  "I don't think so," Hank replied. "He wrote that he'd be applying for jobs around Logan for the summer. Of course, if he don't find one, he's welcome back here. He'll probly find one, though. He's a good hand; Russ will give him a good reference."

  "Would you give me his address while I'm here, Hank? I'd like to write to him."

  "Sure, girlie, I'll bring it with me to lunch."

  Grace and I spent a little while greeting each of the horses in the barn, though there were fewer than previously. Cody must
have the rest at his place, training them for various rodeo events. Back in the house, I asked Janet if a family meal was planned for tomorrow. I hoped to see all of my sisters while I was here, and it was always so much fun to have them all in the same place at the same time.

  "You betcha, honey. Charity ordered a full-on Easter dinner, since you won't be here that weekend. Not only that, but you and Amber need to help me color Easter eggs tonight, too. Charity wants me to boil up four dozen for the kids."

  "Oh, you never know, I might be here that weekend."

  "Well, I guess we’re going to have two Easters this year then." Even though I never wanted Janet to go out of her way, the thought tickled me. Two Easter egg hunts, two days to dress up the little girls in their spring finery, though tomorrow's weather might be a little cool for an outdoor egg hunt. After all, next to February, March was the snowiest month in Wyoming, and it was still early in March.

  For some reason, that thought made me think of basketball. I guess because of 'March Madness', the round of tournaments that determined the championship among college basketball teams. Unless Utah won its next game on Wednesday, their season was done. I wondered whether Drew would play in this game. Thinking of his career, and the role I'd played in jeopardizing it, dimmed my pleasure in the day until lunchtime.

  Nothing could make a Rocking W Ranch weekend lunch anything less than a pleasant time. In fact, often, it was more like a party. Even though the complement of hands was down to less than a dozen, the camaraderie between Russ, Charity, the hands, Janet, Amber and I never failed to cheer me up. It was noisy, often funny and always meant family.

  After lunch, I became serious again when Charity invited me to join Russ and her in Russ's office. It was time to tell them of my decision to leave school after the end of the semester.

  ~~~

  Russ listened without comment as I listed the reasons why I had decided not to return to school for my sophomore year until Grace was a little older. Charity, however gave a little cry of distress.

  "Honey, you've worked so hard, and you're getting such good marks. We've been through all of this and everyone agreed that it was the best thing for both you and Gracie."

  "I didn't know how much I would miss her," I started to say, but that was a lie. I had always known I would miss her terribly. What I hadn't known was how rapidly she would grow and develop in just a few short weeks at this age.

  "But, you were so anxious to become independent. What happened to that?" Charity asked.

  "I still want that, I want it more than anything, but I'm not sure I can sacrifice three more years of not being with Gracie," I explained. I turned to Russ. "I'm not asking you to just keep supporting us," I said. "I was hoping you could give me a job that I could do here in return for our room and board."

  "I suppose I could," Russ said, before Charity interrupted him.

  "No! Russ, don't make it easy for her to quit. She doesn't want to stay here on the ranch forever, and she needs her college degree to be able to make her way in the world."

  Russ smiled gently at her. "I'm well aware of your feelings on the matter, Kitten. But Janey didn't say she was quitting, only that she wanted to wait until Gracie was older."

  I hastened to forestall an argument between my guardians. "That's right, Charity. I do still want to go to school, I love my classes, but I was having such a good time on campus, I was losing sight of what's important."

  Russ settled the matter. "You do intend to finish out the semester, I take it?" Seeing my nod of assent, he went on. "When the semester is over, come on back to the ranch, and I'll find a job for you. Actually, I could use an administrative assistant. Charity has been helping me with some of the work that in AA would do, but she has the baby now, and between Katy and him, she doesn't need to be working in my businesses. When you get back, I'll train you over the summer. You don't have to make a decision right now about whether to go back or not. Let's take it up late in July or early in August."

  It was more than I could have hoped. Not only would I be earning our keep; I would be training at a skill that I could use to earn money when I did go back. I was sure I could get a scholarship, or a grant, so that Russ wouldn't have to foot the bill.

  "You don't have to work just for room and board, though. I'll pay you a salary as well."

  "No, Russ," I protested. "You've done so much for me already. I couldn't accept a salary in addition."

  Charity gave Russ a quelling look when he opened his mouth to respond. He shut it again and gestured at her, as if to say, 'go ahead, you've got the floor.'

  "Was that all you had to discuss with us?" she asked.

  "Yes, and thank you for not freaking out. I will finish school, I promise."

  "Let's get out of Russ's hair, then," she said. "Come to my room with me, will you? I need to check on little Jack."

  I might have known that I hadn't heard Charity's last word on the subject. What she wanted to ask me was whether my romantic entanglements had anything to do with my decision. I was grateful that she hadn't asked while we were with Russ, because I had to be honest.

  "Frankly, they did, to some extent. But it really is missing out on Gracie's growing up that made my mind up."

  "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

  "I think so, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I'll be here for a week, let me process it a little more and then I promise I'll talk to you about it."

  Charity let it go at that for that day. I knew that a day of reckoning was in my near future, though.

  ~~~

  I managed to put off my heart-to-heart talk with Charity until Friday. That afternoon, she found me just as I had put Grace down for her nap.

  "Come with me," she said, in a tone that brooked no objection. She led me back to her bedroom suite, and closed the door. Little Jack was asleep in his bassinet, so I knew that there would be no raised voices. It was as good a time as any to come clean to Charity.

  "You promised to talk to me," she accused.

  "I did, and I'm sorry that I haven't come to you before. It's just such a freaking mess that I didn't know where to start. So, I guess I'll start at the beginning. I've already told you, haven't I, that I slept with my first semester English professor?" Charity nodded, but her lips thinned as they pressed together in disapproval.

  "I know, you were right and Ri was right when you both told me not to do it. My only excuse was that… Well, I guess I don't have an excuse. I did it. I regretted it later. But, then I did something really wicked. Charity, I'm an evil person."

  Her eyes widened, and she shook her head, but I held my hand up to stop her protest.

  "No, I am. You don't know what I've done. All the time I was seeing Drew, I still had the hots for Justin. At the same time, I was attracted to Drew as well. So, I flirted with him, and did my best to get him to sleep with me. Please, don't interrupt, Charity, if I don't get this out now I may lose my courage. Drew told me several times that he wanted me, but that he needed to remain celibate during the basketball season. I knew that, but even so, when I went to California for Valentine's Day weekend with him, I manipulated him into some sexual behavior."

  "I'm sorry, Janey, I know that you didn't want any interruptions, but I have to ask what you mean by sexual behavior."

  "We didn't actually have sex," I said, "but, only because neither of us had a condom. We got each other off orally."

  "Oral sex is sex," Charity stated. With her matter-of-fact statement came my realization that I had justified myself with a specious argument. Former president Clinton was still satirized for making the same argument.

  "You are right," I admitted. "But that's still not the worst of it. He said that L word, and I freaked out. It just hit me so hard, Charity. All I wanted was a physical release. I didn't want him to love me, and I didn't know what to do. I panicked, and made him leave. Then I wouldn't speak to him for several days."

  "So, you're speaking now? Everything's okay?"

  "No, were still not
at the end of the story. I slept with Justin again." Charity's open-mouthed look of astonishment stabbed me in the heart. Now she knew just how depraved and evil I was. I wouldn't blame her if she told Russ to kick me out and never speak to me again.

  "So, I finally knew I had to confess it to Drew, because he still wanted more from me than I could give him. I thought that would be the end of our friendship, and for a couple of days it was. You have to understand that all of this has happened in the last three weeks. It just wouldn't stop. About a week after I spent the night with Justin, he came to confront me in the Student Union about the rumors that were surfacing, and we got in this big fight, with half of the campus watching. He said some ugly things to me, unfair things. All of a sudden Drew showed up and almost punched him out."

  By now, Charity had placed both hands over her mouth, whether to stop herself from speaking or hide the face she was making, I didn't know. I had only one or two last things to say to her, and then the whole, miserable story would be finished.

  "Drew got suspended from the team for at least two games, away games. I don't know whether he played on Wednesday at home. Justin was suspended for the rest of the semester without pay, and I don't know what will happen when I get back to campus. He threatened me, said I would be sorry if it went that way. So, now you know. I'm an evil, career-busting Jezebel. If it weren't for the fact that it would be wasting Russ's money, I wouldn't go back now. I don't know how I'll hold my head up."

  Charity's breath whooshed out of her, as if she had been holding it for quite a while. "I can see your point," she said. "But, honey, running away will never be the answer." Ironic words from a woman who ran away from Russ because she couldn't face him knowing that she was pregnant only a few weeks after they met. I raised my eyebrows, signaling what I was thinking.