I Found You

by Erica Marselas

  “Who am I to say no?”

  TEN

  February 10th, 2001

  Cooper

  D esperate to spend some much needed alone time with my girlfriend, I rented a room for us in San Bernardino to celebrate Valentine's day weekend. Vi and I both had to lie to our parents about our whereabouts and frankly, it's getting old. Though I’m sure not many parents would agree to teenagers spending the night alone in a hotel room, regardless if they were happy with their children's relationship.

  But how would I know? My parents never agree with anything I do anyway.

  Violet has been in the bathroom for twenty minutes now. I don’t know what’s she’s doing since she bolted in there as soon as the motel door was unlocked. Okay, I do know what she might be doing. She had promised when we got here she was going to change into my Valentine’s Day gift.

  I can’t wait.

  I’ve been picturing every type of sexy lingerie known to man since we started this adventure. I grab my growing dick knowing my baby would look scorching in anything she wears. Her in only stockings and a garter belt is a personal favorite of mine ingrained forever in my memory.

  “Coop?” she yells, her voice radiating agony. “I need you…”

  I rush to the bathroom and without a second thought I bust open the door.

  My eyes grow wide as I find her sitting on the toilet, hunched over. Laying on the floor at her feet are the panties I know she was wearing earlier, only they’re covered in blood. Lots of blood. Her blood. Everything in me is telling me to freak the fuck out, but Vi needs me. I take a deep breath trying to calm my nervous shaking body.

  “Ace, what’s wrong?”

  “I— I don’t know.” she cries turning her head to me, her cheeks wet from the tears tracking down.

  “What?” I’m at a loss for words at the scene that is unfolding in front of me. Violet is extremely pale. There isn’t a hint of her naturally rosy cheeks. Her strawberry hair is matted to her face from sweat and tears.

  “I was having cramps I thought it was my period, but I’m bleeding…a lot. I don’t ever bleed like this, and it hurts so bad.” She’s rocking back and forth, a never-ending stream of tears continuing to flood her beautiful face.

  I’ve never had a fear of blood—my mom’s a doctor—I’ve seen a lot in my young life. The only difference right now is this is my girlfriend, and I have no idea what to do.

  Somehow my legs figure out they need to move and I kneel next to her. I touch her face, causing her to jump. Her watery eyes meet mine and I brush her hair and tears away, doing my best to comfort her. “What do you need me to do?”

  “Pads. I think I have some extra in my purse. Also, grab me a pair of my least sexy underwear,” she manages to gasp out before she hunches over again.

  “You sure you don’t um...have to, you know...shit?” I question and her head snaps to me, glaring fiery daggers at me.

  “Since when does having to shit cause bleeding? Think before you talk, Coop!” she snaps, and I flinch. Yeah, that was a fucking stupid thing to say, but I’m fucking scared.

  And maybe I’m hoping this isn’t as bad as it seems.

  “You know, it’s embarrassing enough to be like this in front of you, can you not try to be a smart ass?”

  I put my hands up defensively. “Sorry.” I kiss her cheek. “And just so you know, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I love you. It’ll be okay…”

  Three hours later, we find out she isn’t really okay. The cramps and the heavy bleeding are the effects of a miscarriage. They think she was about eight weeks along. The news comes as a shock, and I’m not sure once we’re told we know how to process it all.

  She was pregnant.

  And now she isn’t.

  We lost our baby.

  Brody is the one and only person we trust enough to tell about our loss. We decide there is no way we can tell our parents; they’d use it as ammunition against us later on. And after all this, I’m not sure Vi could survive that.

  Violet goes quiet for weeks, speaking only when she has to. The loss eats her up inside; I can see it in her eyes every time I look at her. She rarely smiles, and is a shadow of her former self. She’s closed herself off, always wanting to stay in and she avoids our friends. She’s lost, blaming herself, no matter how many times I tell her it isn’t her fault. She hadn’t even gotten drunk in the weeks she would’ve been pregnant. If anything, it was like she knew, but even then, it wasn’t enough. I really wish she could see it was out of her control.

  Holding her is the only thing I can do, the only thing she lets me do. I don’t know what to say, but having her in my arms is enough to help me begin to heal, for her to heal. We still have each other. It’s what matters the most to me.

  The only thing is, I never knew I could miss something—someone—so much. It was stripped away from us and sometimes I question if I’m allowed to miss what I never had a chance to know.

  I can’t deny losing the baby hurt like crazy. There is a piece of me missing, the baby was a piece of us.

  Our future.

  A future I don’t think either one of us knew we truly wanted ‘till it slipped from our fingers without warning. A special treasured bond we made together, and he or she was gone in an instant. I feel attached to this baby I never met or got to see.

  The hardest thing about this whole situation is we don’t have anyone to really talk to about it. Brody had to go back to school and talking about it over the phone just doesn't work. If I’m honest, too, these are feelings I don’t know how to put into words. All I know is that it sucks our baby is gone. We’ll never get to hold them or watch them grow.

  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, with this whole thing,” Violet whispers. She’s curled up in a ball on my lap, her arms lazily wrapped around my neck. We’re sitting on a blanket, both of us staring out into the distance at White Park.

  “Yeah?”

  “They say everything happens for a reason, and as hard as it is to admit, I don’t think we would’ve been ready for a baby. I mean, look at us. We’re sixteen, neither of our parents would have helped us, neither one of us is responsible enough, and we don’t have jobs. It wasn’t our time.”

  Her voice is soft, but the regret and hurt in her words shout at me as if they’re coming through a bullhorn. She doesn’t look up at me, but I know she’s on the verge of tears. We’ve already cried so much, and I wish I could stop them for her.

  “Maybe, but you know I would’ve done anything in this world to make it work.” I lift her chin to look at me, and I was right; her eyes are clouded with unshed tears.

  “I know,” she chokes out. I release her chin and kiss her. My lips linger and neither of us move to deepen it. We don’t need to, every kiss means all the same. “You would have been an awesome daddy. It’s just, I keep thinking... and maybe it’s to make myself feel better, I don’t know…” She drifts off and stares back at the sky.

  “Go on,” I urge, knowing she needs to get it out, placing a lingering kiss in her hair.

  “If it happened now, you might not have a chance to be the superstar you want to be. We’d have to get jobs and wouldn’t have time for gigs. Our life would be dirty diapers and sleepless nights, instead of guitars and singing. Dreams might shatter, and we could end up growing to hate each other.” She rambles, but finally looks back at me. “Like I said, there’s a reason and it might not be any of those as to why it happened. But we’re young and it’ll happen one day.”

  “Yes, you’re right. One day…” I echo her words, and pull her back tightly into my arms, kissing every inch of her exposed skin.

  “I love you,” she purrs, as I suck on her ear. We can’t do anything because she’s still healing, but it’s not going to stop me from fooling around to show her I care about her, and love her. I want to hold her in my arms and never let go.

  “I love you too, Ace. Forever. No matter what!”

  July 2nd, 2006

  Cooper
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  L ife has been hectic since the Granting Hopes Ball, sometimes making me wonder which way is up. In two days we leave to go on tour; four months of traveling the states, and afterward we'll take a small break before another three months of overseas dates in Australia, Europe, and Japan.

  Today, my family is throwing a BBQ party for Brody and me. This is the first time in weeks I’ve been able to relax and spend a full day with my wife. Between my rehearsals, putting the finishing touches on the new record, and Violet working with Brody to finish coordinating the rest of the tour, we only see each other at night.

  Brody tells me she’s mastered all the things she has to do. It’s a huge laundry list of responsibilities and every time I see the daily ‘to do list’ I feel as if my head might explode.

  Not only is she going to be an asset to helping Brody on this tour, but she’ll also be with me the entire time. I’m not sure I could survive not seeing her daily, even if it’s only for a little bit.

  Violet and I arrived early and I currently have her wrapped in my arms between my legs on a lounger outside on the patio, enjoying the peace and quiet.

  My gaze falls to the lawn in front of us. There, my cousin, Richie, is cradling his infant daughter, swaying around, and smiling down at her happily.

  I want that.

  Only last week, Ron came over and started asking about when he’d be expecting some grandchildren. We both laughed it off, not giving him an answer. There was no way we would have that conversation in front of her father.

  It is something I want, sooner rather than later. I keep telling myself I’m going to wait until she brings it up, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I really want to start a family with her. I know we’re still young, but ever since the miscarriage I’ve always wondered what life would be like with a child. Fill the hole we’ve been missing. I want to see her round, carrying my child, knowing how beautiful she would look.

  “Ace?” I whisper.

  She turns her head, and our eyes meet. “Yeah, babe?”

  “How would you feel about starting a family?” I blurt out the words quickly thinking they’ll burn me if I don’t push them out fast enough.

  “You mean, like, now?” she asks confused. Sitting up she twists her body so her legs hang over mine, her shoulder now pressed into my chest.

  “Maybe, or maybe when we get back from the tour, or maybe we could start trying on tour.” I push my hand through her hair and she stiffens under my touch. Her teeth sink into her lip and her eyes drop to her lap.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready yet, Cooper. We’re so young and we’ve only been married for a month and half. I mean you're always so crazy busy, traveling, and it would mean I’d be left alone at home, raising a child on my own.”

  “No, I would take a break if I needed to, but we can bring a baby wherever we go. People do it all the time.”

  She nods, but I know I’m not convincing her. Instead, she’s shutting me down. “Could we wait a little bit longer? I just—” her hand twists in her lap, “I’m not ready yet, I want more time with you. We’ve spent so much time apart and I haven’t been on the road yet, to know what it’s like or if we can handle it being together all the time or…”

  “Or what, Vi?” I rake my hands through my hair, trying to control the feelings of disappointment-anger-defeat running through my brain.

  She stands to her feet and wraps her arms around herself. “Or I don’t know,” she whispers and looks out towards the lawn. “What’s so wrong with letting me get used to this new life? You know what being on the road is like, but you haven’t done it with me yet. It changes things. Maybe not in a big way, but it will. Let us adapt first. Please.”

  My heart breaks seeing how much she’s pushing back, but I get where she’s coming from. I don’t know what is making me want a baby so badly lately.

  All I know is that I do.

  I stand from the lounger and encircle her with my arms. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I kiss her head and she cuddles into me. “Can we talk about this after the tour?”

  “Of course.”

  Violet has left my side to go and talk with my grandfather and one of my cousins. I’m heading for the kitchen when my mom stops me.

  “Cooper, could I talk to you for a minute?” She gives me a small smile, her eyes filled with genuine concern. I glance behind me and watch Vi laugh at something my grandfather said. I can give my mother a minute to hear what she has to say.

  One.

  “Yeah, sure.” I follow her into my father’s office and sit down in one of the chairs. I’ve spent many days of my youth in this office, getting yelled at. But when I was really little I would go through all his books that are lined up in the wall and color in them. My father always got so mad, but he keeps the books holding my masterpieces.

  Bet he could get a mint for those on eBay.

  “What’s up?”

  She leans across the desk and moves a red folder closer to her. She sighs dramatically, staring at the folder as if it’s giving her the meaning of life.

  “Is everything alright?” I ask slowly and her eyes pop to mine. She sighs again, giving me another weak smile.

  “I don’t mean to pry, but I overheard your conversation with your wife earlier. About a baby?”

  Great. “Mom, this isn’t something I want to talk to you about.” I stand from my seat and head towards the door. It’s none of her business.

  “Cooper, stop.” I pause for a second, my hand on the doorknob ready to make my escape. I should go, but I’m also curious to know what she has to say. “I wanted to tell you I support your decision to want to have a baby with Violet.”

  I shake my head, trying to clean out my ears because I’m sure I didn't hear her right. “What?”

  “I think it’s great you two want to start a family. You’ll be a great father.”

  “Thanks?” I’m still unsure what is going on.

  “The thing is, I just hate she’s making these decisions about a baby on her own again, without taking what you really want to heart.” My mother sniffs and she wipes away a fallen tear. Her eyes dart to the folder again.

  “What are you talking about?”

  I’m so fucking confused and what the hell is in that folder?

  “I wasn’t going to tell you, but seeing as though she still hasn’t told you, since she’s your wife now, I couldn’t sit idly by and watch her make another decision that impacts the both of you.”

  I run my hands down my face, exasperated. “Tell me what, Mother?”

  “I talked to Amber a few days after the ball. She was upset with her daughter as you know, and figured I had the right to know why she took Violet away.”

  “She took Violet so she could be with her new husband, Mother,” I grit through my teeth. I’ve told her this until I was blue in the face when it all went down. She knows why Vi left.

  “That was part of it, but there’s something else.”

  “Then spill it already,” I snap at her. Stop dancing around and get on with it.

  “It’ll be better to show you.” She picks up the red folder and hands it to me.

  “I rather you tell me,” I growl and flip open the file anyways. From the inside, a picture falls to the ground at my feet. When I pick it up, my eyes grow large as I come face to face with a sonogram. My eyes flit back up to my mothers. “What’s this?”

  “Amber had gotten a call from a clinic where Violet was going to have the abortion done. After she found out, she wanted Violet away from you so she couldn’t make any more mistakes. Think about how fast she left. Overnight, wasn’t it? You had zero warning. Along with the new husband, Violet knew the move was because of the abortion. She was never going to tell you because according to Amber she didn’t want to upset you.”

  “You’re lying. She wouldn’t do this.”

  She wouldn’t. Not after everything we had been through.

  My eyes scan the piece of paper in front of me, the words: women’s clinic,
abortion, seven weeks pregnant, glare at me as if they are bold and highlighted. On the sonogram, it has Violet’s name and the date. The time stamp is two weeks after she left.

  No, she wouldn’t.

  My mom grabs my shoulder. “I didn’t want to believe it either, but it’s there in black and white. I thought maybe she did tell you, but after your conversation today, I knew she didn’t. I'm telling you because if you two are going to start to have kids together you should know why she might not be able to have them or why she might have issues. To me, it sounded like she was going to keep pushing back for as long as she could.”

  “I don’t believe you!” My voice cracks and I shove her hand off me. I don’t want to be touched right now. My heart is racing in a panic as I keep staring at the words, which are starting to blur.

  “I’m sorry Cooper. I—” Her words trail off and she raises my chin to look away from the paper. “Cooper? You should talk to her.” She sounds worried, but she’s the one that just threw this on my lap.

  “She wouldn’t,” I gasp.

  After the miscarriage, why would she even think of doing this? The pain we both felt at the time. How many times did she say we weren’t ready? That it would mess with my career if we had a baby too soon? But she knew I would have done anything for her if she got pregnant again. I wanted a family with her.

  We could’ve stayed together.

  “It’s all there, Cooper. Amber said Violet wasn’t ready to be a mom. The timing was all wrong and she was too young. Maybe it’s the only nice thing she did for you because she didn’t want to tie you down.”

  I wanted to be tied down.

  “She—” Words escape me. There’s a piece of me not wanting to believe this, but the proof is staring me in the face. Now, all I can think is, how could she do this?

  Is this why she’s against trying to have one now? Will she ever want a child with me?

  Pregnant, Abortion, Gone. Are the only words spinning in my head.